What is perfection?

I can’t believe how fast and drastic life can take a twist and a turn. I can’t believe the friends I have, the music I’ve listened to, the books that are a part of my being and the new philosophy of life that I not only believe in but apply. I am deleting and throwing away the waste and leaving all the good and what’s pure. The feeling has finally set me free. Most people won’t understand and they’re not supposed to. If they did, you’re doing something wrong. If only they knew what this life tastes like, the world I live in wouldn’t have enough space.

I can’t help ridding myself of the useless. The feeling of knowing what to do, how to be or who to do it with and really not care about the rest is perfection. Of course there is no such thing as perfection. Funnily enough, only by accepting the imperfections can you really get closer to what is called perfect.

The events and experiences have become truly enjoyable because of this push and pull between caring but letting go. I don’t know how I got here but I simply feel enlightened and I know I was meant for greatness. It might be a blessing and a curse, but when you feel you’ve been given a gift, you have to know how lucky you are to be able to see through your eyes and try to make this world if only a little better. Time is an illusion and it’s been on my side all along. Perfection finds you when you’re doing what you love and after you’ve rid yourself of all the programs that have been lodged in your subconscious.

Another beautiful part of the puzzle of perfection is knowing that we can’t know it all and we cannot figure it all out; not today and probably not ever.

But it is

He left and he keeps leaving. Yes, it’s a different guy but it feels the same. It hurt and it feels as though it shouldn’t have happened, but it did. They should all care more, but they don’t. I should get as much as I give, but I don’t. I got the gig and then I lost it, once and again. Today was one of those days. A day where one more thing is taken, gone. It isn’t as bad as it seems, I’m just allowing myself to suffer. Here I am crying and it doesn’t really make it better; it just makes me feel worse. It’s fine to feel whatever I feel but I am utterly tired of sadness. Sadness has the lowest vibration and it brings me down. But sometimes there it is, trying to pull me down. Its pull shouldn’t be so strong, but it is.

I want to scream. I want to rid myself of the negative emotions, the drama. It’s important to remember how it’s not as hard as it feels. I feel everything. I touch the walls when I walk; I feel the air I breathe in and out. I look into people’s eyes and I can feel them. I look up all the time, the clouds almost always smile at me, and the rain likes me too. Being able to feel the way I do is a privilege, one I do not take it for granted. The plants soothe my soul with their green kindness; not to mention when my heart’s desire touches my skin or my fragile heart, you could kill me then and there. The emotional overload takes a hold of reason. That’s why I have the hardest time letting go; I feel the song that I sing, the person walking beside me. I cannot succeed at being indifferent because it all matters to me. It feels this hard because the intensity the emotions hold is beyond almost anyone’s imagination. It shouldn’t be as much, but it is.

It shouldn’t be this hard, but it is. It shouldn’t be such a constant struggle, but it is. Or is it? As long as we go on with or without the emotion overload, we can make it, we can live. Yes, it is this hard sometimes and what matters most is whether we carry on or not. It does feel this hard sometimes but so what? Giving up seems absurd and unreasonable. The longer I take getting up, the harder it will get. It is what it is and what you decide to do in spite of any obstacle will make or break you. It’s your choice and no one else’s.

Gorgeous gray

I am still not getting everything I want. And yet, I have it all. I still haven’t found you. And yet, I feel whole. I do not know what will happen or where I’ll end up. And yet, I am happy where I am…wouldn’t change a thing.

Why not find an excuse for being happy? It almost seems, as though we’re not allowed to be free unless we have figured everything out. I have learned something about myself, I will never really figure it all out and that’s exactly how it’s supposed to be. Desire will always persist and exist but I won’t be a prisoner to its temptation. I will learn to live with the angels and devils inside me and learn to play with them all.

There will be struggle but because of it, there will be bliss. There will be darkness, but the light will become much more beautiful because of it. Why resist anything? Let’s embrace it instead.

Today is one of those days where the black and white have decided to become gray and be better because of it. Today is all we have and accepting what we can and can’t control will taste so sweet we won’t believe its taste.

I was never a big fan of the gray but in the end it is all about balance. It’s about letting go but fighting for what is right; a combination of learning from the past and building a wonderful future while enjoying the present. This shade of gray is gorgeous. Today I celebrate it all and feel grateful for this one life I have been given.

Stick together

I have been selfish in the past, sometimes I still am. Today is my one-year anniversary of living in a beautiful, well-preserved Spanish Baroque influenced city in the Central America. All I can feel is gratitude. It has given me the opportunity to come back to life. It might not be perfect, but it’s magical and full of opportunities.

I have fallen in love, fallen in lust, gotten jobs, had my heart horribly broken, lost weight, enjoyed the company of authentic friends, taught, celebrated, laughed and cried. It has been fantastic and yet challenging. But I have learned to live life. I have learned to be happy with what I have. I have found the way to do what feels right and almost completely let go of everything else. I have understood how to care but not suffer.

And I have come to understand that if you can’t do it for yourself, you should do it for another. Do it to help them out someday. Do it so that they don’t give up in whatever odd path they find themselves in. You have no idea how much it’ll mean. I sometimes wonder what went wrong and if I could have done something differently but then I remember there’s nothing to regret and that I’m never really alone. We’re all in this together. I get a feeling that someone is going through the exact same situation and then I share and feel better.

Without directly knowing how, I know the struggle and the fight will be well worth it. I’m grateful for what I’ve lived through, for the wonderful people I’ve met and the sights and sounds that have pulled me back here another year.

Because of it, I am inspired to keep writing, to keep believing and know that whatever is meant to be, will be. I believe that more than ever. It’s hard to let go, but whatever is yours, no one else can have. So, when it comes to choosing passion; do it for you and do it for another. This living thing makes more sense if we stick together. The consequence of that choice for me has been peace. And peace is the greatest thing I’ve ever experienced. If you know you’re not alone, you’ll realize there’s nothing to worry about and that there’s nothing to lose.

Pushed into me

Mr. V was the first I decided to let in. He became very good at making me feel inadequate. He had a heavy baggage of his own. Misunderstanding played a part in whatever relationship we almost had. Lack of experience was also very good at making it all wither.

Mr. C was the second one that wasn’t really available. I’m good at choosing the unavailable types. He was way nicer but still equally able to indirectly hurt. He was better looking and sweeter. Still never really there or willing to make it work.

Mr. B was the one that hurt the most. He was the one and only that seemed to want to be it. He let me be myself. He encouraged me to be better and seemed to want to stick around. It turns out a lot of what he said wasn’t true. I still have a hard time forgetting everything he never said.

The others are only pieces of men, mostly boys actually; there’s a huge difference. They also left a mark. Some of them were very straightforward. Others were very good at trying to play me.

The opposite sex altogether has been intense, crazy, misunderstood, annoying, passionate, indifferent and almost any adjective you could think of. I’m done trying to define them as good or bad. It has been what it has been and I have been officially pushed into me. The time has come for me to embrace myself. Trying to figure them out or make it work is possible but exhausting.

I still find myself not being me whenever I like him and I hate that. I want to stop that. I think enough has happened that I know better than that. At first, against my will, I had to embrace being on my own. I had to tell myself it didn’t matter. But it does matter and it always will.

Now I’ve been pushed into me. And because I love what I have found, I smile. It has to be an odd combination of having enough experiences, feeling comfortable enough with who you’ve become and a balance between caring but letting go. Believe me, I know how complicated it sounds but it isn’t that much. It just is. You have to enjoy your own company and if you genuinely do, anybody who has to be in your life, will be. Holding on is a dirty little habit, but if you can somehow break it, you’ll be free. Freedom is worth fighting for.

I have been pushed around enough to fall into myself and I’m OK with that. The imperfections are incredibly obvious but beautiful. Going out without expectations seems like the greatest success. And believe me, I care. I do still care but I just cannot hold on anymore. If he leaves, that’s fine…I can get through it. If he stays, that’s great. I just have to be content with where I am, with who I’ve become and with what is. The rest is just too much for me to handle, it’s not even my business.

Pouring

It started to rain about a month ago. The water came unexpectedly; it was supposed to be summer. Because sunshine was expected, the water wasn’t welcome. At the beginning I tried my best not to get wet. I’d take an umbrella wherever I went, afraid the water would catch me. Then, by accident, I got my feet wet and to my own amazement, it wasn’t the end of the world, it even felt nice. Why was I so afraid to get wet? If rain is what is happening, why not embrace it? Every day I’d wake up in the morning and listen to the rain, the first impulse was to resist it. By the end of the day I’d make nice with the rain. For a few days I found myself forgetting my umbrella and hats and just got a little wet. I’d get back and smile knowing that I had just danced in the rain.

After trying my best to embrace the soft and tender rain for a while, yesterday it poured. I instantly felt blue; I didn’t know it could even rain that hard. I thought that if I’d become friends with the constant rain that had been coming down for a while it would eventually get sunny again. It didn’t, it poured. I talked to an angel and she said: “There’s nothing wrong with rain, embrace it, it will be alright.” Amazing how it wasn’t even an issue. It poured after it had been raining for a while. So what? What is happening is what is supposed to happen. The pouring rain has its own beauty within each and every drop. Water shouldn’t be feared. It helps you appreciate the sun.

Where I am, it was raining, now it’s pouring but the sun is there. The sun shines even when we can’t see it. The clouds try to cover it up but it never ceases to exist. This is an important fact to remember. And even in the midst of the pouring rain that clouds my 20/20 vision; I want to stay, I want to fight. I know that running away won’t make it better. I know that being scared by the pouring rain won’t fix anything; it won’t make the sun come out any sooner. The sun will shine when it’s supposed to and my job is to embrace every storm.

It’s pouring and I can either accept that I’ll get wet or suffer by trying to change that which wasn’t created to be changed.

Because they told you

“Wealth is worth fighting for above all. The more success you can prove, the better. If he knows more, he must be better. This country is inadequate. He made me feel inferior without my consent. He left when I wanted him to stay, it must have been because I wasn’t good enough. She’s younger and more beautiful, that’s why he chose her. If you’re not working yourself to death, you’re not doing enough. Your dreams are too big for them to materialize.”

Why do we believe this? Why do we crave what isn’t really there? Why is what we have never enough? Why are there so many requirements to merely become adequate? Why is our inner dialogue so dysfunctional at times? Why don’t we follow our bliss when it should be the easiest decision of our lives?

It’s not because it’s true, it’s because they told you. ‘They’ can be society, family, friends, your programmed self, a higher power or even nature. But before you adopt a belief, make sure it’s the right one. Make sure you question it before you let it in. We mustn’t be reckless with what we choose to believe. You were created with the ability to reason and it’s your right to use it. I know many of the things I believe in aren’t true and I am trying my hardest to rid myself of them. I want to strip myself of what I know isn’t true but just there because it was whispered into my subconscious mind. Just because they told you does not mean it’s true, it does not mean it’s right, and it certainly does not mean it should stay there forever.

Liberate yourself from what you were told but know isn’t true, isn’t right. Then, and only then, you can actually start the living.

Faces & places

I’m in a place where travellers pass through constantly. Some are here for days, others for months, very few for years. “The more places you see, the better understanding you can have of the world” a traveller once told me. I completely respect this. Not everybody is lucky enough to travel the world for a year so I cannot say I truly know what if feels like. But from the experiences I’ve had, for me it’s been more about the faces. The places can make an immense difference, but the faces can change your life. I remember the faces of all the friends I’ve made, what they’ve told me, and the mark they have left in my life. Yes, we might have been sitting by the bay or chilling at home, hanging out by the beach or maybe even in beautiful San Francisco. But if it all became a blur and I couldn’t remember where we were, I’d remember the expressions they had when they were sad or when they smiled at me…I froze those frames and hold them with me.

So, for me, as important and wonderful as I think traveling is, the people you get to meet no matter where you are or go is what matters most. We’re all in this together and we all have different driving forces, but this is mine.

The faces have given me comfort when I’ve felt lonely. Our passion for places have made us meet too. But that moment when you feel you can actually connect to another is what has driven me to think this life is worthy. Not moving from place to place can be quite difficult, specially when you have a restless soul, but I want my difficulties to be someone’s relief. I feel I have had moments where I haven’t been able to do everything I wanted to do but this happens and all I know for sure is that whatever pain I go through, it will help others get through.

I want to be a face that helps others, a face that can smile at life no matter where I happen to be. I want to be the kind of face that would stop moving when I find another face that I think is worth sticking around for. The places have given me treasures, but struggle has made me. Sometimes leaving is easier than staying. For now, I have to stay and I know the faces I find will help me through the restlessness. I know that my mind can take me anywhere. I know that my decisions and how I use my brain can help me go anywhere. But if what is right is to stay then I’ll stay. You get to a point in your life where you cannot decide what you want, but what is right. Even when what is right makes absolutely no sense. It doesn’t make sense to stay but it’s what is right and that’s all I know for sure.

The places decorate the scene but the faces make it.