I am crashing 

I’m stuck in a pattern. Has this ever happened to you? You realize the same thing happens once and again. What am I suppose to learn universe? Please tell me and I’ll read up. I’m lost. I must confess I’m lazy. I don’t believe in doing anything for money. I refuse to sell my soul. I thought energy was the most important currency; it is. But money’s power cripples in and leaves me speechless. 

I’m falling down without a sign of a parachute. It’s not that bad. I enjoy the wind and the words that pop into my head while I fall. There are things that keep me from crashing into the ground. 

I am crashing and falling down but I’m wishing and hoping to create the tools to make a hole in the ground that will take me to Wonderland through the rabbit hole. I don’t want to crawl up the building that leads to the boring office, I wanna find my way to Wonderland. Please show me the way universe; please shed the yellow light. I need it. 

I am crashing down but maybe it’s just what’s suppose to happen; at least that’s what I need to believe. Go on gravity, bring it. I won’t fight you, I’ll come crashing and it’ll be epic.

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Beating through 

So many things bring us down. So many things kick us down. Yes. Life gets tiring and I have always let it beat me. It finds an excuse not to work hard. 

I’m trying to slowly and steadily take care of myself. It all starts there. Your skin, your body, your fuel, your teeth, your ideas. Simple things that are diamonds! We should take care of our diamonds because they are our instrument. 

The guy hurt you; a parent disappointed you; your friends betrayed you, you put yourself down. And suddenly, that’s enough to not care and give up. Terrible. That shouldn’t be and I can finally see it clearly. 

It’s time. Work out even if you’re tired. Wash your face even if you wanna go to bed. Eat healthy even if you’re craving those fries. It’s not worth it! Instant gratification is not worth it. It doesn’t make you happy in the end. I learned that the hard way. I’ve experienced it.

As I’m writing this, I realize how hard it is. And yes, it is really really hard. That’s why we don’t do it. Discipline takes work and energy but the payoff is huge. 

So yes, I’m utterly beat but I’m willing to finally push through and take myself to the limit. I’m willing to write more just for the sake of writing. I’m willing; are you?

Written in the stars

It was a wondrous day. She woke up and something happened.

It was a normal day. She woke up and nothing happened.

What fills our days with wonder? We do.

I have a wondrous mother. She wakes up and smiles. She’s been through thick and thin and still decides to look at the good. She’s a good witch.

I’m a combination between a good and bad witch. I have a bundle of emotions inside of me battling on a daily basis. My biggest enemy is inaction. I know I’m meant to be doing something great and I’m still a bit stuck. It’s OK. This is my magic. My magic is expressing myself; even if only one person reads, that’s my magic. I also sing. I also paint. I have colors and shapes trying to make their way out of my being. I apologize to those things for not having more time and discipline to let them out. I’m sorry I haven’t had more people listen. I swear I will keep trying if it kills me.

I am an artist. Saying that is hard. Who decided what you are? I guess it’s just what you want to do even if they don’t pay you. No one pays me to do this and here I am.

I have potions that make me be understanding and I am. I feel what the person next to me feels. I always have a sense that I’m in the wrong song but I sorta keep calm and carry on. There’s no room for everyone to be someone in this world but there is room for me because, once again, I am here. We are human beings; not human doings. When did we forget that? I always forget and if I’m not doing anything I feel guilty. Enjoying and living and pushing through is sometimes enough.

It’s either written in the stars or it’s not. You either do something or do nothing. You write your story on a daily basis and you decide what you do with it. I certainly want to do much more with it and all I truly want deep inside is to make my mom proud.

Follow your star and if you haven’t found it yet, write it.

Daydreams

I woke up and decided that today I’ll skydive. I get there and there are some skydiver friends. I decide to be brave and just do it. The guys are really nice and supportive. I do some cool stuff up in the air and everyone, including myself, is impressed.

The next day I’m at Burning Man and I’m super fit and have the perfect weird clothes I’m suppose to parade around. Fashion is life. I walk around and I’m friends with all. There is peace and joy in my heart. 

The next day I decide I want to sing. I gather a group of people and I sing. A local radio station owner hears me and asks if I’d like to be on one of his shows; I gladly accept. 

I’m a painter and I start to put my work out there. My paintings get sold fairly easily and I am over the moon and cannot believe this is happening to me!

In my free time I enjoy taking photos. I go out with my semi professional camera and take mesmerizing pictures. Some of them make it into cool websites and people really love them; I do too. 

The next day I decide it’s time. I’m going to publish my book and it’s gonna help so many people that the word gets out and Ellen Degeneres finds out about it and invites me to her show. I’m psyched but mostly extremely happy to be making a difference through my art. 

I daydream these stories daily. I wish and I hope and reality still does not compare. I do paint, I do have a book, I do take photos with my semi professional camera and I do sing. But why can’t I put myself out there? I don’t know. 

Daydreams keep me alive and I long for the day when my daydreams and real life become one. I swear my heart is in the right place and I will continue to improve my energy so that I attract opportunities to shine and do what I was put here to do: art.

Beauty and the beast

She was lovely but secretly broken. He seemed lovely but was secretly a beast. 

We go around living and these brains of ours make choices for us. Choices based on our past and how it was all dealt with back then. What are we supposed to do with that? I guess we should tame the beast inside us as much as we can. 

His beast is easy to recognize; hers is a bit more hidden  because I she a flower growing up that taught her to take care of that inner wilderness. A flower that’d tell her how pretty she was even though others would say otherwise. The flower believed she’d bloom into something mesmerizing, something beautiful. 

He never had a flower. The beast was raised by wolves and didn’t know how to go about it. 

They grow up and meet. They both have beasts that fight. Their character coexists and now and then you can smell the flower’s scent trying to spread joy. There is passion and there is much love to be had.

Will the beasts be tamed or will they run wild? That is what everyone wants to know what there’s a beauty and a beast.

What we wish for

We’re a generation of control freaks. We think we know what we want. We work relentlessly until we get it and sometimes it’s not what we thought it would be. It’s great to have a goal but when that goal involves someone, all bets are off.

I was ready, you weren’t. You’re ready, I’m not. It’s off and there’s no way to truly control emotions. It’s up, it’s down. It comes, it goes.

I recently watched 13 Reasons Why and it shocked me to my very core. Not only the sad reality of what could be happening in schools, but how  hard it is to get along, to respect each other and love each other. Why? I don’t know. I was bullied and thought life would get much easier once I got out of high school. It did and it didn’t. I didn’t have a bully telling me my inadequacies, I became my own bully. I’m slowly and steadily trying to become kinder, not to do that. It’s hard to do after losing friends, feeling lonely and not truly finding a path.

After all, he has been the only romantic interest that has truly taken a chance on me. I’m here and you’re there and you want me there but in a way where I forget about myself more than I know how. Should I go? Should I stay? That is the question. I’m terrified of loneliness. I’m terrified of rejection. I’m in my 30’s and I have the same fears I had in high school. Maybe that’s why that show shocked me as much as it did.

I don’t know what to wish for anymore. I guess the best path is to take it day by day trying to choose self love and peace. And if things fall apart, they were supposed to. And if they don’t, they weren’t supposed to.

One thing I do know for sure: this life was given to us to be lived. Even if it’s painful and hard, we never give up. And if we feel like we utterly failed ourselves and others; we get up and try again until we get it right. And I’m gonna keep wishing and hoping even when I feel like I can’t. I refuse to believe there’s no happy ending. There has to be. There will be. I believe. I know.