The girl in the coffee shop

I sit by myself constantly. Whenever I see someone else be me, I can recognize the red balloon.

The red balloon is mine for an instant then it belongs to a different girl. I sent it to her and she gladly accepted it.

As soon as she sees me, she smiles. The red is familiar and we’re in each other’s shoes. The red flats expand and contract to fit our feet perfectly. She’s who I am and is doing what she’s supposed to. She’s as close to me as anyone could be.

I easily forget how connected we were born to be. Invisibly linked.

Lovely books remind me how, in fact, we are all one. I cannot judge without taking myself down with my very strong opinion.

I sit here by myself and know that someone somewhere is doing the exact same thing, feeling exactly how I’m feeling and then it’s not even possible to feel lonely.

Right now I am the girl with the red balloon, and tomorrow I can be the girl with all the people around her, celebrating her being.

It’s funny how this life thing was created to function.

I keep my glass full of water and smile at August as it gave me a life changing book, a job opportunity and endless amounts of unexpected blessings. It also kept away people no longer meant to be in my life.

Let there be light for the girl with the beautifully healed scars that sits by herself. As she smiles, she’s reminded how lovely she was born to be and how lucky she is because she gets to be a girl.

Yes, she knows she’s the girl in the coffee shop with the red balloon and wouldn’t have it any other way.

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No news

I never understood why I never liked the news. The obvious answer was always because it’s too negative but I secretly always felt embarrassed how much I avoided finding out what was happening around the world.

I guess it’s also how I feel about education in this third world country of mine. It’s what’s expected of me but feels so wrong. I couldn’t help but avoid it altogether.

Yes, I know how horrible it sounds but I swear I must have a point hidden somewhere in this post.

I want to be empathetic and know, but what should I be in the know of? People question those who have had the opportunity to learn and say no but never question those who say yes without even knowing what they’re saying yes to.

This might just be me trying to justify mistakes from the past. But I might be on to something here. I can feel it coming.

I will go back to college as soon as my classes add value to what I’ve already been able to amount myself to be all on my own. Well, with my amazing mother’s help.

I still refuse to read the news and am still probably pretty ignorant to those in the know.

But I recently came across a fascinating book that says we must be aware of what we learn, since unlearning is much harder. The reason why so many meditate is to forget what should have never entered.

I might not know a lot but I am grateful for what I’ve chosen not to know.

I can honestly say it’s what has kept my childish ways intact and my perspective quite naïve and transparent. I love it and wouldn’t change what I so carefully never knew.

Punch the smoke

The demons are out to get me. I can feel them chasing me through my thoughts. I try to punch away the bloody smoke and I semi succeed. The closer I get to what I desire dearly, the thicker the smoke. It’s out to get me. It wants me to stop whatever it is I’m doing. It wants me to stop believing in what I know is true. I know who sent it too. The bloody one knows how to catch you. If your weakness is a mountain you cannot seem to climb, a mountain is what will present itself as soon as you start to have an idea of what you want.

The smoke is elusive and tries to escape me because it knows what uncertainty does to me. Having no proof of the smoke makes it that much harder to punch. And yet, here I am…trying to punch away the blood, which I cannot grasp.

I see a man’s face, a familiar face and he stands beneath the smoke. He tells me how this smoky vision might be as good as it gets. The evidence doesn’t help my case but maybe all he needs is to put on his glasses, he has needed them always. Maybe he forgot about his glasses, or maybe he didn’t. I don’t know.

The never-ending friend stands on the other side of the smoke. He told me he understood and now I can only hear his voice and all he can sum up to say is everything he thinks is wrong with me.

The demons hide behind whatever they choose to. They are sent especially when you have made up your mind who to be and how to see. And if your vision seems to be remotely different from almost everybody, brace yourself. I haven’t made my peace with how this whole thing works but all I can do is recognize it and try to live through, with and in spite of it.

I do know that there are those moments of clarity where the smoke gives me enough space to breathe in peace. Those moments are beautiful and the very confusing smoke leaves me alone, it almost disappears completely.

I can’t really see the happy ending today because the smoke it trying to catch me but I am punching it away with all the strength in my heart. But in spite of my lack of vision, I do have those pretty instincts that soothe that restless soul of mine. Oh, and an angel…there’s always an angel flying around in my head.

Goodbye

When it’s meant to be, it really isn’t a goodbye. It’s an aching of the soul that longs never to part. When the love is real, it’s more than just a hug; it’s a crack in the heart.

You never truly get over it; you learn to live with it. You don’t say goodbye but simply cope with not being physically close for bits at a time.

Different pieces of the same puzzle are splattered throughout a map. We long to be close long time and the longevity of the wait has taken a bit of its toll, but never enough not to know that the time will come. You can’t stop what’s on its way.

This is an ode to you and me. But mostly an ode to the love. The harder the goodbye, the greater the love. The deeper the tears, the more beautiful the connection.

Our bodies must part but our souls never can. That’s precisely the reason why the parting is hard to do; our souls know better than we do.

And so today; after a tear sheds down my cheek, a smile inevitably follows. I can’t help but be joyful not just for the moments we get to have together but mainly for this love we’ve created and have become a glorious part of.

I love you, I miss you already and I will see you soon. With all the love in my heart we part. Never in spirit, never for too long.

A knock

The aching flawed can’t live with or without themselves. They aim to hurt. They cannot bear your smile. They don’t know how to love, especially those who were born to love. They cannot give what they’ve never known. They don’t know any better.

When asked why I won’t take a chance on him, I wonder whether he’ll give or take from me. I never asked myself this before. I used to let almost anyone willing in this world of mine. I would open the door to almost anyone who knocked. I’d even be flattered by the attention.

Unaware of the ability to filter more efficiently, I found myself surrounded by some who can’t give me what I need. And even if nobody knocks for a while, I can be a much more reliable source than the aching ones. I enjoy not being bothered by the knocking of those who have nothing to offer.

Perfection has never been expected but support always has.

The door is open and many are leaving. My joy has proven to be too much for some to handle.

Be blue and many will want to join the pity club and play cards with the victims. Be merry and many will drop out, one by one. I was born to be happy; I have finally realized this. And now I can see it’s a bit much for some surrounding souls. And if that’s the case, I haven’t much to give them anyway. Let life transpire and the ones unwilling to give will leave. And then there’s space in your place for those who not only knock for the right reasons but also know when to stay and when to leave.

And that’s a knock that is worth the wait.

Pretty little stories

As lonely as it can get without another body, I’d take your story before I’d take you. You can become instantly unnecessary as soon as I become my own. I can see myself from the outside and it suddenly becomes easier, impressionably livable.

Your flaws are held against you. They make you cause pain. Your actions are sadly obvious. Completely unaware of what you’ve done. Yes, you can hurt but you don’t necessarily leave a mark. Whatever you had to say wasn’t worth including in the story because it wasn’t epic enough.

I can live without you but I can’t live without me. I can breathe underwater but I can’t take you with me. You don’t know what it takes to swim in the depths. The mermaids wait for no one and are willing to show themselves only to those who believe. They can guide you towards a world only a few get to see.

As uneasy as the others say I should feel, I’d never stay; not for long, not at all. You are now powerless against me. The more words I learn, the less I need yours. The more I understand, the less I need to.

Your presence is no longer required. Your chapter in the book was in the middle. It existed but is no longer necessary to write, to create. I must continue to swim and explore the story I can feel and touch with my imagination.

There is a story to tell. This one will only welcome those secure enough to contribute to the storyline. We get caught in reality too often; we forget why the stories are more important than us…they don’t age; maybe only in wisdom but never in time.

There is a story to tell and nobody matters more than the plot. It’s unique and it’s timeless.

We might age but what we get to tell remains for those who stay. We needn’t forget our responsibility to say, that which shouldn’t be forgotten. The mundane is easily taken into account when it only fills the gaps from one picture to the next. The moments worth capturing are the stories that will remain not only in our subconscious but in whichever form we choose to express our pretty little stories.

I feel you

I keep moving just in time for you to miss me. I finally arrive just to find you’ve left. But I can feel your energy and my presence has been acknowledged even after you’re gone.

Because you’re grand, I have to make space for your presence here in my head. Some will have to leave for you to fit in.

Many have unexpectedly walked out. I like to think it’s because my soul told them to do so. My body will miss parts of them but I must trust that which I can feel but cannot always touch.

You’ve taken longer than usual getting here, you never have been punctual; one of the many things I love to hate about you. I’ve strayed from the path whenever something shiny distracts me. Our bodies are aging but our souls are growing.

I can feel the joy only life can provide.

I do not need anyone to survive. I stand alone in the jungle but am no longer afraid. All I need, I have. Never to forget the creatures and the one beautiful angel sent from the clouds to guide me thorough.

I can feel you and you become me. I vibrate light and you smile because you can feel it, me.

I will remove myself from any obstacle that won’t let me see far enough to feel you. I will arrive to you and I will make your walking in as clear as the water I so much enjoy from the river; constantly moving. You will become the easiest decision I have ever made.

I will heal myself from the wars I’ve fought just in time for you to meet me halfway. What I’ve walked alone is as important as anything I could walk with you. Time ceases to exist when you focus on abundance, love and peace.

I can tap into you and the feeling is as beautiful as anything my vision could possibly grasp.

Shush

Secrets come in any form and size. Sometimes they’re necessary, sometimes they’re weapons. The worst kinds are the ones that are kept against your will and only willing to hurt. Secrets do not have to be bad, but the wrongful utilization of their power is what makes them sharp as knives.

He held a secret against me. A secret I never even knew existed was tarnishing a bond I thought was unbreakable. She talked and told him something I never even knew was there.

But the power of a secret isn’t sometimes the secret itself but whether we decide to keep the secret or make it lose its power by facing it with the light of truth. I personally try not to have too many secrets. I try to let communication win. But this dear person always decides to keep from me that which only can be healed in the light of words.

I cannot guess your secrets. I cannot cure your demons. All I can do is face that which is out in the open and up for grabs. My life has taken a twist and whist I took that turn, I decided drama and pain would no longer rule my moments. You remain where you decide to be.

I am not the judge of anyone, only of myself and I choose the light. I choose to speak when I feel it can be handled, I cannot choose to be lonely any longer. I cannot choose you.

Remain silent if it makes you happy; speak up if it makes you happy. But if your silence doesn’t play nice with my voice, we can no longer coexist. I love you and I hope my silence is as loud as my unique voice; screaming from within.

A lovely love letter

Dear you:

Today is a day to celebrate you. Today is a day where the person who keeps all the secrets of love, spreads her love another year. It’s a day in time that is paused so that all the living stops and stares at all the greatness that is you. I’ve always considered myself to be objective. And yes, you are in my life and I do know you very well, but I also know people and I know life and you are that one soul; A soul amongst a million others that was born to shine brighter than light itself.

I love you not only because of who you are but also because of what you do. I love how flawlessly happy you are. I admire your sense of selflessness and forgiveness.

Yesterday you were there. You knew me before I existed and I chose you because my soul craved the unconditional love only you could provide. As soon as I started to breathe, you were there and you smiled. You smiled because you knew it was meant to be, it was endless.

Today is where you were born to be. Your ability to be present is that of the enlightened ones. Here we are again and still as happy and strong as ever. Nothing has to change for our love to continue to bloom and grow. Today is a day in time where we stand and stare at the lessons and the memories. Thank you for continuing your long line legacy of love.

Tomorrow is less known, but equally wonderful. The picture I can see of myself always has you in it, no matter what I do or where I go. The images of love are as predictable as the love that inevitably unfolds before us. The messages you carry are as inspiring as life itself can be. You are the positive in any negative. You are the smile in the midst of the madness. You are here and I am grateful to be here with you.

Thank you for existing and proving that some things are meant to last and continue eternally. You’re the loveliest form of love I have ever known and I could never settle for less than what you’ve taught me to deserve. Have the loveliest day, with the loveliest things and all the lovely people that love you. I love you.

Me