Not for a second

Your best friend is getting married and you wonder if you´d trade places. The perfect looking woman actually gets the guy you never knew you always wanted. The grinning fool strolls around the streets and you wonder if ignorance truly is bliss. So many go about their day and you wonder if you would have it easier if you were them. Or as Tori said: “Years go by, will I still be waiting for somebody else to understand?” That´s exactly what it feels like; you feel as though it´s a struggle; being different, living differently, not having everything work out exactly as you had planned. What if you had chosen differently? What if you had been just a little bit more like the rest?

I´ve always felt proud to be unlike the rest but then there are days like today where my heart feels as though it´s in chains. Yes, I love being abnormal, but normal days seem to be abundant and constantly present. And as unique as I claim to be, there are certain normal things I deeply desire. They annoy me, I wish I could want nothing but what I have. These very normal desires get in the way of love. I start to compare my life to others; it starts to hurt in my heart. The loneliness piles up inside until I must burst into tears out of necessity. Dreams remain on the shelf and I wonder what I´m doing with my life. Living it I guess. I truly am trying to do what is right but sometimes what is right really hurts. Pain should not be feared I suppose.

And then there´s Tori and Neil and all those souls that have made it and not only that but they´ve inspired others with their art and voices. Nothing is better to me than that. If becoming one of those dreamers means feeling lonely, suffering, struggling and fighting at times, well I am ready and willing. What the dreamers have done for me is unlike anything I´ve ever felt. The beauty and the brightness I get to see on the other side is bliss. That bliss makes the pain worth it. On days like today I needed that reminder.

At the end of the day I ask myself one simple question. Would I trade my life with those whose life “makes more sense?” Would I want to be them? Would I return this very unconventional life that I´ve chosen for myself for one that fits perfectly inside a box and make it easier on myself? Not for a second. Not now, not ever. Because in the end, it might hurt but not being myself is suicide and life is too valuable to waste.

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The mountain

Neil Gaiman is inspiring. I recently saw a speech he gave at a University. One of the many tips he gives is to ask yourself whether you´re going towards or away from the mountain. The mountain is what you want to accomplish, your calling. I, myself recently discovered what that was. Ever since, life seems different. Let´s just say that the view of the mountain in the distance changed the perspective of what is beside me.

If it was hard to settle before, it´s become impossible now. The mountain´s strength is so enchanting, I cannot waste a minute getting stuck in the mud or even worse, walking away from it. Even if the distractions are money or responsibilities. It is mind boggling how people, events and even we get in the way of our evergreen mountains. I believe many never get to see the mountain because the fog is too thick to get rid of. But some of us get to see the mountain in the distance and it is as clear as water. It is as real as the paper and pen I use to write this.

Neil could not have put it better. Any career choice you´re faced with, ask yourself if it´ll take you closer or further away from the mountain. I recently quit a job that was taking me away from the mountain. I might quit my other job if it will take me further away from it as well. I am no longer afraid to walk towards the mountain. I know I will find my way even when I cannot see the way. If you do what you do well, keep your eyes on the mountain and not give up, you will reach that mountain. Do not let distractions get in the way. Do not let struggles stop you for too long. You will fall and you will get back up again. You will find others on their way to their mountain and you´ll recognize each other. Find your mountain and walk towards it with conviction, doing what you do best: what you love. It’s meant to be. It is not easy but it is the only way to fulfillment. Thank you for the tip Neil.

Unwilling

It’s incredible the mess I can get in when I do something that’s wrong for me. I know it can be the greatest asset but the hurting inevitably happens. Anything can be fixed, it’s simply tiring. I try to commit to what I know in my heart is not for me and it blows up in my face. People get hurt, relationships broken. They don’t understand why you can’t stay, why you can’t give more…sometimes I don’t understand either.

But deep inside, I just can’t. I’ve never been gook at pretending and that’s what doing what is wrong feels like. I know that if I keep pushing, it’ll break. I’ve learned the lesson the hard way. And another lesson to lear is not to commit unless it feels right. Trust yourself, don’t doubt. When I doubt, I fail. When I trust what feels right, I succeed. True every single time. You can’t ever really succeed when you push what was never meant to be.

Yes, the hurting happens but it is nothing compared to the damage that could come from staying. This is why I respect commitment, I almost fear it. Not because I don’t believe in if or think it’s wrong, but because you have to be sure of what you’re committing to. I know this time around how wrong my decision was, and I did it anyhow. Another mistake for the books I guess.

What I now know is that I’m in a place in my life where I am no longer willing to try just anything. I need to do what I love and nothing else. And the same goes for guys. If I truly believe someone is worth committing to, I’m in. Otherwise, why bother? I know who I am, what I like and what I want. Anything less than that is no longer an option. I am utterly unwilling to go against my true nature. I couldn’t even if I wanted to.

Daydreaming

I am a professional daydreamer. It all started when I was about 15 years old. I can almost daydream about anything. I can see myself accomplishing a million things, about getting married, about finding true love, about shutting people up, about proving people wrong, I picture myself down the line and and living the dream. My mind goes nuts because I see myself doing so many things; desire drives my soul to daydream constantly. When I was younger, I could only dream of being a performer. I still dream about singing but at least the daydreams have matured with me.

Daydreaming can get excruciating at times, but it’s by far much better to dream and enjoy as though it happened than to never picture it in your head. I will inevitably keep dreaming because that is what I do. The heart wants what it wants, my soul craves the vision in my head.

Our thoughts can truly take us to wherever we long to be. If daydreaming were a sport, I’d be a heck of an athlete. I love to dream about a million things, never one. Guys play an important role. None of them have been up to par in the “reality” world. Their actions in my head are so much better. As hard as I try, I cannot seem to rid myself of the dream. I see many settle and it is simply unacceptable to me. What I can see when I dream seems so real, I cannot let it go. I do not expect life to be a perfect dream, but I do expect it to make me feel ridiculously happy.

I dream of being a performer, of publishing my books, of meeting the love of my life and having him be everything I expected him to be. Sometimes if you can dream it, you can do it. I also dream the little things. Will the cute guy from work look at me? In my dreams, I get absolutely everything I want. I guess in the end what I truly want is what is right for me. Sometimes we desire so many things, it can get confusion. I still daydream absurdity now and then, but I know  now how the dreams I want coming true are those that are meant for me. I no longer crave everything, I crave happiness. And because of it, the possibility of my dreams coming true increases. The daydreaming might seem crazy, but sometimes the escape shows us a glimpse of heaven. It is a window to the possibility of what dreams can become.

Mother like mine

A mother is a woman whose love is bigger than herself. I am not a mother myself but I have a mother that has set the bar extremely high. Her love has inspired me to be better, to be greater. A mother like mine teaches by example. A mother like mine defies logic. Growing up, I thought having a mother like mine was normal. I thought everybody’s mom was their best friend. It turns out I was unfortunately wrong. I do know several great mothers and a mother such as the one I was blessed with, makes you want to be the best woman you can possibly be.

Obstacles have led my mother to be a fighter and because of it, I know what she is capable of. You see, one can never know how great one will be until put to the test. Well, my mother has been put to the test and completely aced the score.

I believe not everyone is blessed to have a mother like mine but anyone can be a wonderful parent. We have to break free of what we’re told we’re supposed to be and create the greatest bond that has ever existed. My mom threw the handbook out the window and trusted her instincts instead. What did that give her? Unconditional love from both her kids. Parents that demand love do not seem to get it. Parents that give love without expecting anything in return seem to get their investment back with an interest.

A mother like mine inspires me not only on Mother’s Day but every single day of my life. She is the definition of love and inspires all the hope and faith in existence. It sounds unreal but I know for a fact what this love feels like. The love my mother has given me and my brother is eternal. Today, once again, I honor her. I honor her not only for the amazing woman she is but because of what she stands for. She is strength, courage, wisdom, example, peace and all that is good in life. And I am not talking about perfection here, I am talking about what’s real love. It’s so simple and yet so powerful. A mother like mine is worth mentioning, worth honoring; today and always.

Life happens

Life happens and my first instinct is to run away. I won’t run away too fast or for too long though. It just never ceases to amaze me how fear tries to crawl inside of me only to leave me paralyzed. I am finally getting an opportunity to be everything I want to be. It is the beginning of a beautiful phase of life and I’m getting in my own way.

I need to get out of the way and let life happen. I have to stop resisting what is meant to be, because otherwise I’m really screwed. I know I’ll pull through and I will succeed. I know because I believe it as a fact. After years of not believing in myself enough, I’m done. But old habits die hard and I just want to get unstuck. I want to tell everyone who’s stuck, including myself, to snap out of it! We get so used to complaining about things not being the way they’re supposed to and then when it all starts to make sense, fear gets in the way! No way, I won’t have it.

Life was created for it to be lived and enjoyed. It was created for it to happen…not to hide or to be crippled by fear. It’s ok to step back before jumping, so long as you jump. That’s where I am. I am about to jump and I’m just making sure I’m ready. The fact of life is that it doesn’t wait for you. It’s fast, unpredictable and unstoppable.

Life as we know it has changed. Right now for me, for the better. So if anything holds the possibility of beauty and love and risk…let’s take it. Do not let life slip away. Life happens and we should be right in the middle of it when it does. I do believe some are doers and others are watchers. I also love watching life, but for me, there’s nothing like the thrill of doing it. There’s nothing like being the leading character of your own movie. It’s easier to watch but it’s braver to do. I want to do. I want to live, not watch others do the living hoping it’ll be my turn someday. Life is happening and we decide whether or not it happens to us.

The fear or the faith?

I utterly hate fear. It can trick me into believing something I’m not. It whispers into my ear what I cannot do. It tries to trip me and make me fall into a hole of inadequacy. I’m looking at it right in the face and I do not want to listen to it or let it in. I am ready to explore the unknown and tired of buying the whole crap that I’m too old or that it’s too late. Even if there’s something I want to do but feel that I can’t, I’ll just mock the fear in the face and act as if I can do it and then be done with it. Having been born in a hole where darkness makes most of the people blind to see, I’m ready to open my eyes and see the colors that only light could create. The fear never feels right. The fear closes your eyes and closes your mind to the possibility of the beauty.

The fear can only be overshadowed by the faith. The faith is what needs to be shed on our fears. I feel as though little by little the fear disappears. It intends to come back and haunt us but if we remember the faith and its powers, we should not fear. The waking up is the hardest part. The fear knows about our forgetfulness and tries to catch our mind as soon as we wake up. That’s why it’s important to have a phrase when you wake up to make the fear go away. Then you remember and it calms down and you know the fear is unreal…it’s a figment of our imagination.

I utterly love faith. It gives you a reason to wake up in the morning and have something to look forward to. It whispers words of wisdom and encouragement. It tries to remind you how absolutely anything is possible and to never give up. It supports you in following your dreams and your heart’s desire. Even if the odds are against you, the faith knows you can do it. The faith is the light…darkness isn’t even an option for the faith. The faith is the one and only thing that is real and worth listening to. The faith should always win the battle against the fear. And because life is a decision, I know the faith already won; now and always.