Say yes

She came, she conquered, she inspired. She believed in something and it became more than what she could have ever imagined. She worked hard and found something she loved. Sometimes the smallest things can inspire you to do more and be more. This is exactly what I want to do. I still haven’t found it. But day by day I feel closer to finding what it is I’m supposed to be doing. I must fight and push through and believe that it can and will happen.

Things are looking up and fear has tried to cripple in but I won’t let it. I want to say yes. Yes to life. Yes to love. Yes to finding and doing what I am passionate about. I will start with one single step and I’ll try to kick my own ass. I’m already getting fit, eating healthy and that in itself is a step in the right direction. I’m 32 and many times think it’s too late but that’s a complete waste of time. Whatever time I have left is time I have to get moving and become one of those kick as chicks I so much admire.

My life is anything but a straight line and it’s not figured out but that’s OK. So long as I keep going and believe that it can still happen it will, then it will. You have to be inside of life for it to find you. Inspiration has to find you working. Sophia Amoruso is a true inspiration. What I love about her story is that struggle shows up and she kicks its ass and moves on. I admire that beyond words. I will become a #GIRLBOSS if it kills me. Coming soon…

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Hurt

Just when things finally get good, it comes crashing down. Why? Why? Why?

It doesn’t matter why. The important thing is what we do with what was broken when everything fell apart. Why do we hurt each other? To protect ourselves. People who hurt the hardest are the ones that are hurting the most. But why do we have to endure their childhood pain? That’s not fair. 

But here I am; in love with an emotionally hurt human and I’m hurt and I don’t know what to do. How much should we forgive? How much is normal? There is a lot of good but when the pain comes out to rear its ugly head, it’s a monster. And I’ve always been terrified of monsters. I usually ran away from them as fast as I could when I was little. It’s not as easy as an adult. This adulting is hard. I’m way too old to be dealing with the issues I deal with. But hey! Here I am. Still figuring out what to do with my life, in my thirties and hanging out with the emotionally damaged. Who knows? Maybe I’m one too. But I really try not to be.

I’m hurt, in pain, in silence and know nothing except that I must move forward even though I don’t know where forward is. I guess you’re suppose to carry on even when you’re blindfolded, otherwise life goes on without you. It has before, believe me I know. The bleeding will eventually stop. It always does.

But for now, keep cool, wipe away the tears and carry on anyway you can.

Fall to fly

She came. She left. It was made and undone.

There are no rules, there are no cages but she’s not free.

Freedom is subjective.

Are we free when we cannot liberate ourselves?

Shall we try to fly when we’ve forgotten about our wings? 

Yes. We must fall and rise or we will never learn. Stubborn souls need to be obedient, need a guide.

I’ve ran around in circles with my freedom. I must obey yellow. I must connect.

Fly and fall. Learn. Grow. Be.

Choose the words you think, choose the words you say. Be more in control and it will truly set you free.

Fly little bird, fly. Even if you fall.

I don’t know much, except what I’ve felt. I’ve decided based on emotion and when I cannot remember why, I regret it. But when I do remember and I have a glimpse of clarity, I smile. 

I smile because I’ve gotten to chase happiness. And now I must be reminded that it’s sleeping inside me. Sleeping beauty must wake up and smell the roses. She must live and fly and fall and keep trying until one lucky day the wings will come out and she’ll fly. 

I have fallen but I must remember to keep jumping and fall until I finally fly. Because if I stop jumping, how could I ever fly? 

Blurry 

It’s a day she can’t remember. She remembered taking a break but had no clue as to how long she’d been resting. 

She had to get up and fight the good fight. What was the fight again? What am I fighting for? She forgot. She had a short term memory problem and that didn’t allow her to plan much. 
Just get up! She heard a voice. It was blurry and confusing. She felt a bit older and more tired. Is it worth it? Can I do this? It’s still blurry. Her vision has been compromised. 

And still, she carries on slowly. She doesn’t know what else to do except survive. Is that enough? Is surviving good enough? She’s forgotten how but she will carry on.

And she hopes and prays that the vision becomes clear and precise because she’s been lost for a while and it’s time. It’s definitely time.