Bleeding

I broke my heart by accident a week and a half ago and it won’t stop bleeding. You broke your heart a week and a half ago and it seems to have healed nicely. Joni knew about this when she said only women bleed, this is true. Men bleed but it doesn’t linger. I will never know what it feels like for a man, but I know what it feels like for a girl. I am bleeding and I have forgotten how to help my wounds heal. I forget and think that a scar is forming itself and then I open it up and it bleeds. He seems to have scared completely and utter frustration takes over my wound, making it deeper.

I wish being a woman wasn’t so hard sometimes. We feel more passionately, we’re sensitive to everything. I wish men understood this. I wish they knew how it feels to really bleed. I wish they could bleed a little bit longer, not heal so easily. I will never understand why there’s such a huge gap in between us. I will never know the coping mechanisms we come up with to heal our wounds and stop the incessant bleeding. I wish I could make it stop, I don’t like blood. I wish I could make it stop the way you have. I wish it didn’t hurt as bad to be alone here, bleeding.

Now you’re not only gone but your broken heart has made a full recovery. Now I’m not only here, but I’m bleeding and I do not know how to make it stop. But as painful as it is, I know it will stop, it has to stop. I simply have moments of complete desperation where I want to burst outside of my skin. I feel as though I’ve bled quite enough in this lifetime and I don’t know how much more red I can take. The dark of red cannot last forever, the heart will love again because its design calls for it. It’s easy to forget how this too shall pass. It’s easy to get desperate when you want to make the blood go away without a single trace. But even as painful as it is to see your power of making the wounds disappear, I wouldn’t want that. If I don’t bleed, it means I’m cold; it means I’ve truly lost the passion, the hope.

I’m bleeding and you show no signs of pain, but at least I can still feel; at least I know I’m alive.

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The cracks

My heart feels a little broken. Everything and especially everyone seems broken. I walk down the street, I look around and I wonder about every single person I see. Do they have a broken heart? Have they ever experienced this? Are the cracks still fresh or have they been able to repair themselves? Do they feel the cracks inside their soul as strongly as I do? I don´t know but I wonder…

The cracks are a part of life and yet, if we´re willing to live, we should be willing to live with the cracks. Someone that you love has left you, someone that you love is gone, someone that you love has passed away. They all leave a crack in our fragile hearts. But the truth is that even if the cracks are long and deep, our hearts don´t break. We simply have to endure the wounds. If they´re fresh, you feel as though it will actually break because of the pain; but it doesn´t.

We´re all walking hearts with cracks; my heart has cracks from all sorts of goodbyes. It has cracks from the past of when I had to leave places I wasn´t ready to leave. It has a long and constant crack from not being able to see my beloved brother. The worst cracks are those that are deep and meaningful. I have recently acquired a new crack, one deep enough to forget about how fragile a heart is.

I walk around in circles and I cannot seem to let go of those around me. Where are their cracks? How did they learn how to live with their broken wounds? Were they able to love again after the pain? I hope so. So long as hope never dies, I´ll take as many cracks as my bleeding heart can take. It´s funny how easily we can let someone in without allowing ourselves to remember they can easily leave a crack. Love gives hope to us all, so much so, we forget about the pain; if only for an instant.

I wish everybody would wear their cracks like tattoos; it would make me feel better. The cracks would remind me how I´m not alone and how we´ve all been there. I don´t know why but when it comes to a broken heart, it feels lonely. I know I´m not. Friends and family never disappoint, but the cracks can only heal in time. A heart can glue itself back together only with patience.

The cracks hurt and I wonder where they are, where everyone hides them. I wish I could see what their pain looks like and help each other through.

Yours and mine

You want to make the world better. I want to create an escape. You´re studying to understand and change the world. I´m studying to recreate what already exists. We shared our passion and as different as they are, we agreed on what matters to us both. Life is too short not to take the time to do what we hold dear. We both want a career in concert going. But just a little bit more than seeing others perform, I´d love to perform myself. I´d love to sing to you. My voice longs for a microphone. Your hands long for a helpless soul. Different targets, same concept. I cannot seem to get my mind off of you. You are running inside my head and playing around with my thoughts as if it were your personal playground. I complain not, I simply do not know how to cope with a strange creature inside my head.

I know now I´m in your head too and that gave me a joy I didn´t even know I craved. Like sugar, my craving for you wanting me was stronger than I cared to admit. Your words held an unknown power; my expectations were exceeded by simply holding nothing against you. You were a pleasant surprise. I never knew that what you had to offer was what I precisely needed. We played our cards right, we took it as far as anyone in our place could. We never said anything we would regret, no lines were crossed.

Your heart met mine and they became instant friends. We weren´t careless, we were careful. Your presence put everyone else at easy; especially me. Your unawareness never interrupted the object of my affection. My loving demeanor was as obvious as I wanted it to be and as easily expressed as it should have been. Your absence interrupts the sequence of my day. My willingness to present myself as I am was finally understood by the opposite sex. Your honey covered blue eyes filtered by the glasses framing your face are frozen. My long black hair was messy as always and getting in the way of what´s logical.

How I felt when in your presence is what will never be forgotten. How you felt when around me is what I hope you´ll always remember.

Funny & Sad

I wish you could feel the way I feel. But you cannot feel because the pain caused from before was as real as the love itself. I hurt a man like you and maybe this is its consequence. I truly never meant to break his heart, I just couldn´t love him. Now, someone like you cannot give me his heart back. It´s funny and sad.

Life is a joke, he said. I guess it is, but when my heart is the punch line, it´s harder to laugh. I´m not sure I love him yet, but I´m sure I could have fallen in love with time. I might not love you, but I love us. I love how emotions such as jealously, control, anger and disappointed didn´t even show their ugly heads. I love how fast it could happen and how comfortable it felt.

It´s funny how long it takes to find someone you could see yourself with. It´s sad that we´re not here anymore, we´re miles apart. The closer the world gets, the harder the bonds become. It´s funny how this all happened so flawlessly and sad that I don´t know what you´re doing or what you´re thinking at this very moment. I hope I´m in your head, even if only for a little while; you´re in my mind right now and not many get to play inside my head. You´re running around, playing with my ideas and making me smile and cry simultaneously.

You had a steady hand and I got used to it. You´re not perfect but neither am I. You made me really happy and then your absence made me sad. You gave me more than I expected and for that I´m forever grateful. I don´t know when the joke will end, but I´m still hoping for it to be good enough for me to laugh.

I wish you could feel the way I feel. But you can´t, not right now and I completely understand because I feel the same way. It´s funny and it´s sad.

Infinite

All the moments in between can seem endless. But there’s that one moment that can actually fill your heart. Someone was truly kind to me today, without a hidden agenda. Genuinely nice and willing to help me out just because he could. It’s funny how this happened whilst I read “The Perks of being a wallflower.” This book is filled with authentic heartfelt moments that have made me laugh, cry, wonder and feel. I’ve always said how for me, the best form of expression is the real kind. The kind that you feel could happen to you. Even in a fantasy, the emotions, the metaphors and its creative form feels completely real to me. The moments in art exist in my head and are as real to me as anything else in life.

I love to be in between worlds and live the moments each one of them holds. And it’s the moments that leave you breathless that matter, just as the book says, “And in that moment I swear we were infinite.”

That’s exactly what it is. That is why we crave those moments. That is why we crave love. Love makes us feel wanted, taken care of, infinite…

Infinite because those moments actually feel as though time ceases to exist. Age doesn’t matter, it never really should. Nothing is worth worrying about because if these moments exist and we’re one of the lucky ones that get to live them, we truly are infinite.

Give me passion

It´s my birthday today. I cannot believe how much has happened in a year. Life has a way of twisting and turning and at this very moment it has left me in a joyful place; a place full of light and beauty. A place where time stops and enjoyment begins. I find myself in the company of authentic souls searching for love with a whole lotta love to give; a place where hope floats above our heads protecting our dreams. I feel blessed, fortunate, fulfilled. I walked out today with a blue dress and a red ribbon around my waist and I realized I had dreamed about that very moment. I had pictured myself walking the streets of Antigua, wearing a cute dress, with the possibility of love in my head, listening to Tori and smiling because I was home. A dream came true today and on my birthday. I feel as though I finally have a life I´m not only proud of but immensely grateful for. The struggle´s lessons smile because they knew all along how wonderful my life is meant to be. And there are still loose ends but I´ve learned how to embrace them knowing they´ll find their way.

I have received fabulous gifts. I have roses, a wax heart, the company of great friends, wine, a house I´m in love with and great music. But if anyone asks me what I´d like for my birthday this year or any year, it would be passion. I´d ask them to please feel passionately. To love passionately, to do what they do passionately and simply sense their surroundings passionately. As if it were the very last moment of their lives. I´d ask every single person to look around and breathe it in passionately. I have never seen as much passion in my life as I have in Argentina. Ever since, I have not been the same. It made me discover how passionate I am and how much passion means to me. There´s a wonderful Argentinean film called “El Secreto de Sus Ojos” and one of the characters passionately explains how people can change absolutely everything about themselves, except one thing; their passion. That speech took my breath away. Everything burns deeper, but sensing passionately is worth the pain. I´m passionate about life, writing, music, singing, connecting with people, making others smile, authenticity and love. Love is what drives it all. While lukewarm love sits disappointed, passionate love creates art, it makes the world change the living easier.

Today I am grateful for the difference a year can make and how time slowly heals. I´m grateful for the struggles and every single event in my life that has led me to this moment in time. Life is happening and people are coming in to give me messages of love. Their smiles, their words, their expressions are here in my head forever. So, if you are going to give me a gift, give me passion. Don´t be afraid to live passionately; once you know how it feels, you´ll know there´s no other way to live.

Gone

I know now why so many want this. It´s a moment and you´re gone; he smiles, looks at you and has his actions speak louder than words and that´s it…that´s all it takes for you to be gone with no plans of returning any time soon. It´s only happened to me once before. I was overwhelmed by the emotion; I ruined it before it even started. You start to tell yourself to take it easy and it feels as though it is the most impossible task at hand. All you want to do is be with this person that makes your life feel so much better than it ever has been and you don´t know how to make that happen. How could this be? Our hearts are so fragile and yet, as soon as someone comes along, we´re simply willing to give them our very delicate hearts? That is insane. I cannot believe how fast it can happen. Without a warning, you´re going about your day thinking that someday it´ll come along, not knowing that someday could actually be today.

And then there´s life; when you´ve lived your life and you´ve gotten hurt…all the ghosts from the past show up in my head and they start to scream thoughts of fear. A fear I so desperately want to get rid of but that has evidence showing how holding on is the easiest way towards the end. Fear will never be a friend but caution can be. I´m grateful for what I´ve learned, specially from the mistakes. They have become old friends whispering words of wisdom into my subconscious and I´ve found it to be quite helpful. I still do not want to listen though. The heart will want to jump out of my chest into his heart and stay there. The heart wants to speak its mind and be fearless. All it wants is love and it won´t take no for an answer. The heart will take it as far as it possibly can until it gets what it wants or it breaks. My heart has no lukewarm intentions; it´s all or nothing.

While all of this is happening, my mind tries to be the guard of the heart and insists upon taking it slow. But as I know, the heart´s strength is overpowering and almost uncontrollable. My mind has grown stronger. It has learned how painful heartache is and has become wiser.

I met him and I smiled because I knew. He smiled because he knew, I hope. It felt right, it was easy, and it fit. This time, unlike the last, he cared enough for me to notice. The details of his actions warmed my heart and I was gone. What kills me is his head. What is inside his head at this very moment? What was inside his head on that very moment when we looked at each other? I don´t know. And when a heart is on the line, especially mine; not knowing actually makes it skip a beat.

Knowing you are capable of giving your heart to someone without knowing if he wants it is excruciating. I saw him and I was gone, completely gone in an instant. I am gone and I do not know what will happen. Heartbreak is the ultimate fear in these matters. I´m gone and all I can do is have faith that the past will stop repeating itself and I could actually have it all. But being gone is an ache I had missed. It´s a beautiful reminder that I´m alive and that anything is possible in this crazy life.