One I can call my own

I’ve seen many trees. Apple trees, pineapple trees, avocado trees, paper trees, green trees, created trees, shape shifting trees. They all have a special kind of energy. They all welcome me in for a second, sometimes a minute. Except the dark tree; the dark tree is withering and used to be an old friend, it no longer likes me in its shadows. Why? Because I like the light.

After leaving the darkness, I had to start over. Many trees have been cut down. When I think I finally found stability in a tree and its branches, I find it wasn’t so and I must move on and start all over again. Will it ever end? It doesn’t matter. Wondering about these things makes me sad and there is no point to that. All you can do is move forward and keep walking the path, whatever that may be.

Just because others have found trees, doesn’t mean I should too. Just because others are different, doesn’t mean it’ll last. Just because the darkness used to be home doesn’t mean it’ll be that way forever. It gets confusing. I’m just looking for a tree that will shape me, love me. I’m just looking for a tree that colors me and fills me with all the good things its leaves and height has to offer.

I don’t want to wander under the sun for much longer. I don’t want to feel lost. I want to choose the path that leads me to the perfect tree that also happens to be next to an enchanting lake. That way, I can have my cake and eat it too. I want a strong tree that doesn’t make me question a thing, one where all the pretty flowers bloom around it and I can be wild and free.

Is that too much to ask?

The more I think I see a tree in the distance, the less it’s an actual tree. It’s just a man made structure that seems interesting but isn’t real. It no longer hurts, it just gets tiring at times. Being under the sun won’t kill you but it’ll certainly dehydrate you and eventually make you hallucinate. It is what it is. There’s no point in going against it. Fight the fight.

I do have an angel, 20 bucks and a mind of my own and some old cookies in my pocket. I hope it’s enough to get me there. I hope it carries me through. Also, the fairies are with me. I can feel words and almost wake up anywhere my soul longs to be. Sometimes I can’t find a comfortable place to rest. Nothing feels better than a tree but that’s OK. The longer it takes, the more I’ll appreciate it.

Give me beauty. Give me love. Give me peace and give me trust. I never want to lose myself. Give me passion and give me just a little bit more. A place I can call my own, a tree to rest my soul in. A tree that will grow faster than I can. One that understands and one that will never lead me astray. One I can call my own.

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Pouring

It started to rain about a month ago. The water came unexpectedly; it was supposed to be summer. Because sunshine was expected, the water wasn’t welcome. At the beginning I tried my best not to get wet. I’d take an umbrella wherever I went, afraid the water would catch me. Then, by accident, I got my feet wet and to my own amazement, it wasn’t the end of the world, it even felt nice. Why was I so afraid to get wet? If rain is what is happening, why not embrace it? Every day I’d wake up in the morning and listen to the rain, the first impulse was to resist it. By the end of the day I’d make nice with the rain. For a few days I found myself forgetting my umbrella and hats and just got a little wet. I’d get back and smile knowing that I had just danced in the rain.

After trying my best to embrace the soft and tender rain for a while, yesterday it poured. I instantly felt blue; I didn’t know it could even rain that hard. I thought that if I’d become friends with the constant rain that had been coming down for a while it would eventually get sunny again. It didn’t, it poured. I talked to an angel and she said: “There’s nothing wrong with rain, embrace it, it will be alright.” Amazing how it wasn’t even an issue. It poured after it had been raining for a while. So what? What is happening is what is supposed to happen. The pouring rain has its own beauty within each and every drop. Water shouldn’t be feared. It helps you appreciate the sun.

Where I am, it was raining, now it’s pouring but the sun is there. The sun shines even when we can’t see it. The clouds try to cover it up but it never ceases to exist. This is an important fact to remember. And even in the midst of the pouring rain that clouds my 20/20 vision; I want to stay, I want to fight. I know that running away won’t make it better. I know that being scared by the pouring rain won’t fix anything; it won’t make the sun come out any sooner. The sun will shine when it’s supposed to and my job is to embrace every storm.

It’s pouring and I can either accept that I’ll get wet or suffer by trying to change that which wasn’t created to be changed.

Out of the woods

Not only am I out of the woods but the wounds have finally healed. The fire that almost consumed me left deep scars, but they even make me smile now. Being lost in the woods makes you forget what safe and peaceful feel like. When you’re trying to survive, everything is different. The trees are a threat, the people walking around seem mean, the sky is covered by monsters that won’t allow you to see the light. I wasn’t quite sure if I was out yet but today I am. Today I can listen to the music again. I can dance. Today I can believe that someone else can come along. Today you no longer represent pain, but healed pain. I’m not gonna say I’ve forgotten, but I can say I’ve learned to live with it.

The love was as deep as the wood’s endlessness. For a minute there, I wasn’t sure I’d make it out. And then, against all odds, here I rise again. Life is this. Life is making your way through the woods, the water, the wind, the obstacles, taking a ride from kind strangers that smile, the people you meet throughout your journey, the creatures you cannot seem to describe and the love that never allows you to completely give up, even when you want to.

Today I want to thank you for having the courage to understand. I want to thank you for reading and never giving up. Today I’m out of the woods and you might be in the middle of them, but that’s why we’re not doing this alone, we can’t. We’re here together to help each other know that there’s someone out there that has been there and can understand. The woods are scary, dark and even beautiful when the tears will allow you to open your eyes and see. The woods inevitably force you to appreciate surviving. Even when you run into those souls that don’t even know what the woods look like, it makes you wonder if they’re better off. But they can’t be. They don’t get to hear the music or dance the way we do.

Today I’m dancing and I’m even singing. I’m celebrating being out of the woods and seeing the beautiful never-ending sky again. The sky that contains the sun with its rays showering us with faith. The sky that holds the beauty of clouds and their soft touch.

Being out of the woods is a wonderful reminder of how hopeful life can be and how important it is not to waste time when you’re in the middle of the maddening woods with self pity and playing cards with The Victim. The Victim will offer you food and try to make you think that you have a right to feel sorry for yourself, don’t fall into the trap. Say no to The Victim and continue fighting for your life. The sky and the other fighting souls will be grateful that you didn’t give up on us. We all need each other and giving up should never be an option. Today I’m out and the glow feels wonderful.