The beauty of light

I have always had the light on me but I just couldn’t seem to find that ray that I knew would be so special. How did I know that there could be a perfect ray of light? I knew because light is so beautiful that when I saw it I would simply know that with its virtues and faults it would simply be perfect for me and I would want that light to shine on me for as long as possible. Of course, you know how the sun can be. Sometimes it decides to show and sometimes it doesn’t…. never will it be our place to choose when it should or shouldn’t shine, simply enjoy the light when it spreads upon you. It’s exactly the same way with life. I wish I could tell you that this ray of light will always be as beautiful and bright as you see it now…but this isn’t so. The important thing to remember is that no matter how cloudy the sky might get, the sun is constant and it is always there; just because you can’t see it, doesn’t mean that it’s not there or that it won’t come out again.

You may have other shiny spirits cross your path but you’ll know right away if this is it for you or not. How can you know if your light is shining strong enough for another to find your source? Easy, if you choose according to what is right and not what makes sense, then you’ll be on your way. The more you trust these creatures called instincts and intuitive energy, the more often you will see this beautiful light. I can actually say that I have come across this kind of beauty for a while now. Some I could tell right away and others it took me a while, but it was right on the spot. These souls have been a source of energy, enlightenment, joy, peace and inspiration. Some I know, some I admire, some I miss and some I enjoy. It doesn’t matter how it may happen but when it does you simply know that there is a power stronger than all of us and you just want to be an instrument to communicate this source of endless power.

I met a restless soul a few days ago and we crossed paths briefly yesterday and today. Oddly enough it finally showed itself in the form of a man; it has been a rare occurrence because it usually has appeared as potential clients, friends and family, but never like this. This has brought a newfound faith because some days I was holding on to nothing as much as I could. I didn’t know why but I just kept my head up and refused to let the past cripple on my shoulder and stop me from trusting. Now I know that this hope came through and that there are interested parties out there. Is anything going to happen? That’s something that I can’t say and doesn’t matter whatsoever. You may think I’m crazy, but that’s a good thing. Insanity keeps you sane sometimes and oddly enough I can say that the direction this follows is irrelevant because all I needed to know was that it’s there and whatever needs to happen will. Of course if I am going to be human for a second I would have to say that all I want to do is talk for hours, share books, music, art, love; kiss passionately, stop time, enjoy each other in every single way and never hold on too hard that it will ruin it all. The only thing constant in life is change and I know that we both understand this and it simply takes it to another level of perfection. How did I get here? I wonder…it took experiences, authenticity, letting go and being. That’s why I have to say that there’s no other way to live or love. Most people may not get it or may run far away but that’s good because their opening a space for the people that actually deserve to be in your life. I am never going to say that I deserve something or someone…I’m just finding my reflection on the other side and I love what I see. If these are the men that are attracted to me then I must be something…ha-ha. Stupid ego getting in the way of my inspiration; it is ok though; I’ll just pass it by and not give it the attention it wants and doesn’t deserve.

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Full disclosure

I started writing this in September and finished it today. It amazed me how different I felt then…so here’s a combination of who I was and who I am…

She’s strange and lovely. She’s also lonely. She has finally figured out how to be, until she forgets but then remembers. She finally knows what matters most and how sadly many don’t. She has become her own source to attract what she’s always wanted.

She pushes people enough to know who’s worth keeping close. In spite of the imperfections she’s had to live with, she finally feels as perfect as perfect can be.

She usually wears black and keeps her hair long. She knows how precious her voice is, unless she remains silent. No matter how far she gets, she knows how valuable perspective can be.

‘You intimidate me’ is the phrase she repeatedly hears. ‘I can’t give you what you want’ is another one. At first she wondered why, now she knows why and secretly loves it. If they can’t take it, the problem is theirs not hers.

She can be complicated, blunt, uninterested and a bit much but worth having around.

Most don’t want to hear the truth, it hurts. Most don’t understand. Living a lie can be much easier. She couldn’t ignore her voice and how loud it can get. As painful as it can be, she must remain true to herself.

All she could really do was try. All she could do was show herself as transparently as she knew how to be. That’s how she was wired.

She’s tall and smiles as soon as her soul shines, which is gladly often.

She knew the time had come for her to love her skin, every inch of it. She had put together a collage of images and finally could see the picture of who she had become. She loved allowing life to happen to her.

She smiles and knows there’s no one better to be but herself. She cries and knows how much easier it would be to leave but still decides to stay. She tried and keeps trying.

There isn’t much

I haven’t much to say but must speak. I am silent here standing by myself and I feel responsible. I feel I must keep calm and carry on. There have been obstacles and monsters…they didn’t kill me, so I must continue. I thought the monsters were my friends and I was wrong.

Today there isn’t much and that means a whole lot. Today I’m letting go of what is beyond my control.

It is as important to let go as it is to act. It is as crucial to be silent as it is to speak up.

There isn’t much but I’m doing this for someone beside myself. I no longer want to be selfish but selfless. Old habits die hard and letting go of myself will be complicated. I want to be better and know I can do it all; so can you.

Even when there isn’t much to do or say; move forward, start over and don’t look back. Know you’re not here to question but to live the unknown. Stop asking yourself why and simply think how.

There isn’t much left and yet here I am, giving you whatever is left of me. I trust you will take care of my soul better than I ever could. I love you and I trust you.

Fight the fight

I have endured more than I thought I could. I can feel it all over my body…the rejection, the pain, the crossing of the lines, the not knowing why it happened. I can feel your hurt not once, but twice. You became a monster and I became a fighter. You finally left and I finally won. I wish I didn’t express myself as much as I do, but it pours out me as easily as the air I’m forced to exhale. The ones on the other side seem to repeat themselves. Their height shifts but their personality is exactly the same. Their age goes up and down but I remain the same and on the other side of the river. Their egos are throwing rocks at me when all I want is for them to join my madness. It’s not just them, it’s me. I fight because there’s a force. A force I cannot name and I cannot define but one I can feel. It has led me astray more than once and yet, I always trust it.

I fear what I write; I fear who will like this and who will hate it. I fear those who won’t read it and those who have made me write it. I fear your judgment and what the consequence of my words will be. I fear you’ll think I’m weak or that you’ll be intimidated by my strength. And in spite of the fear, I carry on. I admire those who can remain silent because they seem to get what they want and seem to avoid pain…two things I deeply desire. And yet, here I go again…holding my soul out to the world hoping it has what it takes to take it.

I’m peculiar. I cannot live with anyone and I do not want to. I am not understanding or tolerant except when it’s truly necessary. I have made crazy decisions and they have followed me around like a loyal homeless puppy that won’t go. I know I can make it on my own and am ready for the challenge.

I’m grateful. I get to live alone; I get to explore the darkness and the light. I get to write and I get to sing. I get to embrace the good and become better because of the bad. I truly try to be real. I know I’m misunderstood and taken for granted often. The scars run deep and it scares most people away. But here I am, stripping myself and showing you who I am. Here I am, finally independent and breathing. I must collect the thoughts that heal and let go of the pain. I must move on and know that the path ahead is one full of trees and beautiful creatures all hoping for me not only to make it through but to do it alive.

I have fought and will always fight for what I believe to be true. I might still get hurt and still fall, but I will keep going until the day I die. And if my fight makes this living situation even a tiny bit easier for someone else, I will consider it a victory. Being how I am might be scary and even lonely, but it’s a wonderful filter. Those who stay are worth keeping and those who leave are worth losing. It makes it easier to know. Because to fight the fight you need the right ones by your side. And sometimes you will be all you have and if that’s so, you’ll be all you need.

Scissors

It’s that time again. The time when I’ve, once again, dug a hole. It’s not as dim as it could be but I am here again. Why do I insist on this? Maybe it’s by chance or by choice. My thoughts have become more my friends…but I just don’t want to be here. It has always and will always take time to get out. What’s tricky is how much easier it is to keep digging than it is to start climbing. The difference in its efforts is massively distant. And yet, I do know how important it is to make the right choice and climb. The scissors that are in my hand and made for cutting will have to serve no dysfunctional purpose.

As expected, when down here, things haven’t turned out very well. I lost all the pictures I had. I lost the images that I thought I had so tightly held on to. But I do have the memories and can always take more pictures. I do not want to hold on to what was lost. As human as it might be, it truly is pointless. It’s so pointless, that wallowing almost shouldn’t even be allowed. But it is and we do. I cry for the pictures I lost and will never see again.

If only I would have tried harder or taken better care of them. If only. But the scissors I hold in my hand are present. Will I use them to hurt or to build? I love flaws. I love how imperfect life can be. Even when it all seems amazing, I try to look for the imperfections. Why? Because I love things that are real and perfection seems utterly and unbearably fake. So I will try to not hurt. I will not make things bleed. I will try to not expect. I will try my best, even if it kills me.

I will try to not give up even when the signs can be quite dark. I will start all over again if it’s what I’m supposed to do. So much sand has slipped through my fingers once more and that’s fine. I will get a hold of the situation again and it might all be lost again as well. That’s life. But I do know what I want to be close to and far from. People can be lovely but they can be dangerous. I am stopping the full on trust. I am trying to become as much of my own source of happiness as I can.

I still do not know how it will unfold but I hope it’s worth writing about and worth inspiring. Even now, I know how unexpected this all is and yet, I want to expect it. I want to long for nothing but what is…as if I had planned it. I want expectations to drive me and not be the end of me. I want to compare myself to no one and nothing. I want youth to be a part of my personality and have it not be related to age. We’ll see how strong my will is but I am going to bet on myself a whole deal because if I don’t, who will?