Nothing is something

I don’t know well enough to know. I don’t know anything anymore. After a never ending succession of events happening one after the other and getting them all mixed up in in my head, it’s gotten confusing. You’d think that things get easier, but that’s not always the case. You become more peaceful, more mature, and if you’re lucky maybe even wiser. But I guess easy isn’t always our desire. After carefully evaluating all the collections I’ve acquired throughout the years, it’s a fact that easier hasn’t been my favorite color in the crayon box. Sometimes it was on purpose, other times it wasn’t. Now I’m here and there’s a situation that’s nothing that could easily turn into something.

There’s a he involved and he is as complex and intertwined into himself as I am. Chaos? We will see. Should it be a nothing left as a nothing? Of course not. Will he leave it as a nothing? Time will tell.

There’s not much to do but ignore the ignorant voice in my head saying dreadful things and simply listen to the trapped butterflies. He seems broken but kind. He seems interested but distant. His actions speak louder than words.

He was sent from a different galaxy. The fact that I understand his brain could either be taken as a wonderful casualty or a horrible disaster. All I know is that he makes me laugh and keeps it interesting. That’s enough to let the nothing twist and turn into whatever it’s supposed to. All I have to do is get out of the way, which is extremely difficult for me.

Nothing is something when what use to bother you doesn’t as much; when you look forward to tomorrow even if it’s just an average day. It doesn’t have to be perfect, it simply has to be real.

Let anything and everything become something. Just let it. It’s a risk you’ll regret not taking. I didn’t even want to write about it thinking it would be giving it too much attention. This heart of mine is always screaming for attention. That’s OK. I only get to experience this life through being me and I should embrace that. Let life be, let life happen, let life smile when you least expect it. Let life show you a star after weeks of the cloudiest skies. I never want to forget how it all works. I don’t have it all figured out but I do feel happier than I have in a very long time. It’s probably the yellowed winged angel looking out for me closely from the heavenly sky.

Don’t be afraid and let it be something. It’s not about what it means to anybody else but you. Enjoy it.

Yellow

After the mourning has passed, the colors seem to have faded and they’re splattered all over the world. But on an excessively bright day, in a very tiny town in the middle of nowhere, all I can see is yellow. Her favorite color was yellow. It hurts to mention her still because the wound is trying to scab but I must. I must because I don’t want to forget. I don’t want to forget the feeling of her presence. Her perfect hair, how she did her makeup and how when she saw me, there was only love. No matter what we did, she’d say that family was born forgiven. Last night I dreamt with her. She was alive and I was in shock. And I asked her what was happening and she said: “Sweetheart, I’m never going to die.”

I’m sure she’s kissing the lilies as she’s waking up. She looks around and whenever she wants to see yellow, it’s there; the perfect shade of yellow. Her youth is back and her high heels on. Her hair is yellow and her glasses gone. She’s surrounded by gold and the very few flaws she had here, gone. She’d like to talk to us and she will. Oh how she will.

It’s been cloudy here. I’ve been looking for stars but can’t find them. I’m excited for November. That was her month and that’s when all the stars decide to shine the brightest. This November I’ll be like a kid waiting to find the brightest star and not only talk to her but have her show me the way. The way to love,  the way to passion, the way to live.

Out of all the things she created on this Earth, one was the greatest: an angel with pink wings. This pink angel flies around helping others, expecting the best to happen. Many try to shoot her down because they do not like what they cannot understand, but they don’t succeed because they cannot really see her or her wings. She moves faster than light. You can’t kill what you can’t see. Only two people look up and can actually see her. And when they do, they’re mesmerized.

Yellow had to fight for her unique existence. Pink has to fight for hers. I probably will have to fight for mine, I already do. I can look at these three lives from the past present and future, I know their worth. And if fighting for survival means at least touching and saving one life, it’s worth it. I’ll do it.

Yesterday, the only color I could see was yellow. Today, it’s yellow and pink. I hope tomorrow purple will show up and then slowly all the colors of the rainbow will be back. It’s a slow process but it’s not about the speed, it’s about the beauty we’re able to capture in each and every moment. I’m capturing this one. It can be bright, it can be dark. But it certainly has an endless amount of love.

Can’t stop what’s coming

Life ends. It always does. We cannot suffer because of this. We can be sad and then move on. We can cry, but then dry our tears. We can wear yellow, we can wear black. We can do whatever feels right. Those that live will judge. Those that part will be silent but never absent.

 Whatever you are doing, going through, feeling or wherever you may be; you have the power to dream. That means you can do anything. Know that your dreams are valid and worth this counted life.

 I have to believe in myself as much as my mother believes in me and as much as her mother believed in her. And so it goes. I hope I get to have a daughter. Only so that she knows what it’s like to be loved by a mother, a real mother.

 What I do know is that I’m reaching a point in my life where I’m done not believing in myself. I’m done caring about people that don’t matter and I’m done not loving being different. I am ready to love being an artist. I am ready to be as crazy as I can be. I am ready for love and I am ready to learn new things. I am ready to make my dreams come true. Taking your dreams and flying them to the sky can be a challenge. But now I’ll have an angel that always listens, one with beautiful purple hair. When on your way to the sky, you may encounter big birds, airplanes, storms and even aliens; but never stop. I don’t care if you are old, young or even stupid. There are angels that will help you when you cannot fly solo. Just the fact that you have dreams worth taking to the sky, makes you be ahead of almost everyone else. I don’t want to be a hypocrite and must admit that I haven’t protected my dreams as much as I should have but NOW I am ready to TAKE TO THE SKY.

 Even when the guards are calling my name and want to take me back to prison, I will break free.

 Today is a darker day and that’s why I wanted to talk about flying. Why do we see things the way they tell us we should? Purple got a bit darker today but that doesn’t mean that the light isn’t there; it always will be. When will we understand that it is not about what we see but about what we feel? The best you could ever do to anyone you love or that loves you is fight for your dreams, for what you know is right. I don’t know why this is so crucial but it just is. We have to keep it going for those that are coming.

 We can’t stop what’s coming, we can’t stop what is on it’s way. Don’t fear the end. Fear a life not well lived. Today is a day to celebrate a life well lived. One that gives us courage to live fully. Today she gives up her wings so that I can have mine. I’m eternally grateful and will never take the power for granted.