The thought of you

The thought of you is haunting. It crawls in and it won’t let go of me. The memories last because they’re deep. The feeling has a name but I haven’t found it yet. The thought changes its form and it always takes your place. The thought of you smiles at me and knows. It knows what I’m feeling and how deep it goes. It had waited to find me because my heart had to grow big enough to feel you. Logic tries to deny me the pleasure of going in; today I won’t let it.

Passion grows and it shape shifts into trees and moments and experiences that never seem to end. I’m underwater and I’m up in the air. I’m here and I’m there and I’m everywhere and all I can see and think is you. I close my eyes and the thought is felt by the touch of your hand and that very unique smile on your face you have when you see me. It reminds me how much you love me even when you’re not close enough to hold me. It whispers lullabies that sound sweet and soft. It sometimes screams and makes me feel alive. The thought of you also reminds me of the challenges and it kindly tells me that love isn’t the absence of hardship but the growth it inevitably brings. I smile knowing that the path is lived tighter and closer than before because of them. I found the thought of you in my head and it was chasing me. You sometimes take a hold of me and I let you because it feels amazing and inspiring. Your eyes are leaves. As a child I always wanted a leaf because it is perfect and beautiful and sheds green and light wherever it happens to be; your eyes do the same for me. They shed green and light and give me hope even when hopelessness is trying to bring me down.

The thought of you reminds me who I was and who I am. It reminds me how deep down inside I knew all along what was real and what wasn’t. I thought I was insane for wanting more and wanting it as soon as humanly possible. It turns out the thought of you was real way before I met you. Having faith felt impossible at times because having you was necessary; and even though you were very close, we were worlds apart. The difficulties and mistakes from the past had to be lived and made in order to be able to finally see you. I probably passed by you a thousand times but I just couldn’t see you. You say I’m the invisible woman because you weren’t ready to see me. I couldn’t see you either. Now I see you, I feel you and I think you. Now you’re here.

The future is always unknown but the present is given and is meant to be enjoyed and acknowledged. The thought of you today needed to be felt. The thought of you keeps going and loves the red and the raw and the passion. The thought of you makes me smile and makes me want to be completely and absolutely me. It teaches me about compassion and growth and it reminds me how love should be. It isn’t perfect, it’s magical.

Advertisements

In love

I’m in love. Just like that, it happened. Most of my posts were about this alluring energy that always escaped me. And then suddenly, just like the sun obviously rises every day, I was in love; madly so. How? I do not know. It just did. I hate to sound so generic but that’s exactly what it felt like.

His green eyes never looked so real; his smile never so white. It wasn’t at all what they tell you it is. It’s deeper. I won’t say better or worse because those adjectives should never be used to describe humans. It’s simply deeper, more complex.

The colors of the rainbow finally seem to make sense. You no longer question why red is on the outside, you’re fine because it simply is. Even when chaos surrounds, you want to smile. Life feels lighter and the days brighter. You can simply sit next to each other and have nothing bother you. I’m a recovering over-thinker and I never thought this could be so. I never thought I could just let it be.

Hearts aren’t as generic as you once thought they were. They are actually precious gems that must be protected at all costs and cherished constantly. You’re no longer reckless with what you say because there is a creature in your life that cares that actually listens to everything you say and how you say it. You no longer think that life is simply about the waiting. The waiting is indeed the hardest part about the living and in a blink of an eye, it becomes forgotten and almost nonexistent as soon as someone walks in the door and never lets you go.

You unexpectedly and slowly change. You remind yourself of the promises you made to yourself when you were single and honor them but always leaving room for change. If not, how could it bloom? It couldn’t. You think you’re tough until someone cuts you open and makes you face the softest sides of yourself. The sides you were trying to hide from because you were afraid of what you might find; only to find they were precisely the parts of yourself you needed to see the most.

Kisses become a regular part of your routine. Happiness becomes much more obvious and flowers seem to bloom in a much more natural way than they did before; they turn to the sun naturally.

You know and you remember who you used to be but you simply become a more beautiful version of yourself, you bloom. You feel understood, held and warm.

I’m in love. Just like that, it happened.

Pretty little stories

As lonely as it can get without another body, I’d take your story before I’d take you. You can become instantly unnecessary as soon as I become my own. I can see myself from the outside and it suddenly becomes easier, impressionably livable.

Your flaws are held against you. They make you cause pain. Your actions are sadly obvious. Completely unaware of what you’ve done. Yes, you can hurt but you don’t necessarily leave a mark. Whatever you had to say wasn’t worth including in the story because it wasn’t epic enough.

I can live without you but I can’t live without me. I can breathe underwater but I can’t take you with me. You don’t know what it takes to swim in the depths. The mermaids wait for no one and are willing to show themselves only to those who believe. They can guide you towards a world only a few get to see.

As uneasy as the others say I should feel, I’d never stay; not for long, not at all. You are now powerless against me. The more words I learn, the less I need yours. The more I understand, the less I need to.

Your presence is no longer required. Your chapter in the book was in the middle. It existed but is no longer necessary to write, to create. I must continue to swim and explore the story I can feel and touch with my imagination.

There is a story to tell. This one will only welcome those secure enough to contribute to the storyline. We get caught in reality too often; we forget why the stories are more important than us…they don’t age; maybe only in wisdom but never in time.

There is a story to tell and nobody matters more than the plot. It’s unique and it’s timeless.

We might age but what we get to tell remains for those who stay. We needn’t forget our responsibility to say, that which shouldn’t be forgotten. The mundane is easily taken into account when it only fills the gaps from one picture to the next. The moments worth capturing are the stories that will remain not only in our subconscious but in whichever form we choose to express our pretty little stories.

Changing faces

You fell in love with a face and cannot forget the eyes with which he saw you, the mouth with which you were deeply kissed. You cannot get over the hair you stroked whenever you desired to do so, the smile containing the perfectly aligned teeth. You cannot get over that face. But now I realize how faces change. We hold on to faces but it’s not right. We do not fall in love with the face; we fall in love with the soul. It takes a while to forget the face and maybe we never really do. But then another face comes along and you’re able to love it even more so. It’s because the soul moved into another face. For now, it’s the black hair and brown eyes I cling to, it used to be blonde and blue eyes. And maybe soon enough it’ll be brown and grey eyes. The faces change and that’s why we should not hold on to them. They’re as constant as change itself. We just have to wait and the waiting is the hardest.

We hold on to faces because the soul hasn’t found its way into another one yet, a face we feel is worth loving. But don’t worry if you have to let go, it’s just a face. As you can see, there are many. Similar souls are harder to come by but they do come by, especially if you believe it. Whilst I write this, I remind myself. Let go of the changing faces. If this face isn’t here, let it go. If this face isn’t right, let it go, you cannot go against what is.

Yes, the moments are hard to let go of because it is one single face that is stuck in our mind. We cannot even conceive of the notion that there will be another. But just remember it’s not the face, it’s the soul and soon enough it’ll inhabit a different body, a different face. So don’t worry about the face, it’ll change and the next one might just be that right soul that will stay and that should make your beautiful face smile.

You

Words are heavy but actions are worth the weight of silver. Words are uttered into the wind and difficult to catch. Words crave to create gold but I’ve always been fond of the silver lining. Words are deceiving depending on how much meaning they contain within their letters. They lose meaning when actions reflect their opposite. Words have the power to make promises but only actions hold the key to keep them.

Actions are underrated and taken for granted. Actions reflect truth, always. Why would it matter whether you say I love you if what you do is what shines most. Actions remain floating in my subconscious and I replay the scenes over and over again. Actions have the power to remain as long as we crave for them to stay, even forever. Actions become infinite and that’s when it all becomes worthwhile.

The light wants you to stay but the darkness fears you won’t. I don’t want red to be blue without you but instead have a constant green that never vanishes. I want you to remain but more importantly, for you to desire to stay wherever my restless heart desires to be.

I asked what you wanted and you said: “you.”

You asked what I wanted and I said: “you.”

Desire should control its urges. I do not want more than what I have. I want you to fly but more importantly, I want you to be free. I want you near, but more importantly I want your happiness. I crave for this to last but even more so for it to be real.

I asked what you wanted and you said: “you.”

You asked what I wanted and I said: “you.”

You have shown me how to place more importance in the actions than in words. You have shown me what love should be like. You want me as much as I want you. You inspire me not to change. You proved me wrong when I doubted your existence. You walked in and gave me no choice but to jump into the volcano. As scary as it was, you made it inevitable. Your words sweeten the days and your actions paint the sky the color of joy.

I asked what you wanted and you said: “you.”

You asked what I wanted and I said: “you.”

Out of the woods

Not only am I out of the woods but the wounds have finally healed. The fire that almost consumed me left deep scars, but they even make me smile now. Being lost in the woods makes you forget what safe and peaceful feel like. When you’re trying to survive, everything is different. The trees are a threat, the people walking around seem mean, the sky is covered by monsters that won’t allow you to see the light. I wasn’t quite sure if I was out yet but today I am. Today I can listen to the music again. I can dance. Today I can believe that someone else can come along. Today you no longer represent pain, but healed pain. I’m not gonna say I’ve forgotten, but I can say I’ve learned to live with it.

The love was as deep as the wood’s endlessness. For a minute there, I wasn’t sure I’d make it out. And then, against all odds, here I rise again. Life is this. Life is making your way through the woods, the water, the wind, the obstacles, taking a ride from kind strangers that smile, the people you meet throughout your journey, the creatures you cannot seem to describe and the love that never allows you to completely give up, even when you want to.

Today I want to thank you for having the courage to understand. I want to thank you for reading and never giving up. Today I’m out of the woods and you might be in the middle of them, but that’s why we’re not doing this alone, we can’t. We’re here together to help each other know that there’s someone out there that has been there and can understand. The woods are scary, dark and even beautiful when the tears will allow you to open your eyes and see. The woods inevitably force you to appreciate surviving. Even when you run into those souls that don’t even know what the woods look like, it makes you wonder if they’re better off. But they can’t be. They don’t get to hear the music or dance the way we do.

Today I’m dancing and I’m even singing. I’m celebrating being out of the woods and seeing the beautiful never-ending sky again. The sky that contains the sun with its rays showering us with faith. The sky that holds the beauty of clouds and their soft touch.

Being out of the woods is a wonderful reminder of how hopeful life can be and how important it is not to waste time when you’re in the middle of the maddening woods with self pity and playing cards with The Victim. The Victim will offer you food and try to make you think that you have a right to feel sorry for yourself, don’t fall into the trap. Say no to The Victim and continue fighting for your life. The sky and the other fighting souls will be grateful that you didn’t give up on us. We all need each other and giving up should never be an option. Today I’m out and the glow feels wonderful.

Never have I ever

Never have I ever loved you. Never have I ever known you. I don’t know you and yet your existence is present. Never have I felt you, except when you’ve touched my mind. Here, in my head I have loved you. Here, in my head you are as real as the air I would kill to breathe when I miss you. In my head you’re only perfect for me and no one else is meant to have you. Your intentions are as real as the water my existence depends on. Whatever you do, I love. Whatever you decide to say, I embrace.

You have worn different masks with the faces of men. Some have been blonde, others have had black hair and they all seem to have sincere eyes and that’s why I think they are you…but unfortunately they are not. They are not you, you would never cause that kind of pain. You would never leave after having met me. You would know better than they have. You would never care about my mistakes or my insecurities. I would hold you and love you because it would be as natural as the seasons that pass taking trees as a sacrifice of life. Oh the sacrifices we must make in order to live, always and forever.

Never have I ever wanted time more than I do now. I want enough time to be with the one I have never known. Time to become friends with your dreams and make room for them in my heart as though they were mine. I want to breathe your first and last thought of every single day you get to live on Earth. Never have I ever felt as hopeful and hopeless as when you are in my head. Just because you haven’t materialized, doesn’t mean you never will.

I wish for your fears to vanish and for you to be brave enough to step into my reality. It is a complex and colorful reality but one I’m sure you will love. Never have you ever truly existed except in my head and my heart. The impostors have pretended to be you and I have been fooled…but I know I will easily recognize you sooner rather than later and then I will know you were not only real but better than I could have ever imagined you to be. Thank you for existing in my dreams and reminding me of how important it is to hold on to what we feel is real even if we haven’t seen it…yet.

Smiles lost

Some days are blue, others are full of sunshine. I used to be enraptured by the blue and it would trap me for days. I used to stay blue and no other color could get me out of that state. After leaving the blue state, I realized how unfortunate it is. It happening sometimes feels inevitable but it lasting isn’t. We decide how deep into the blue we go. We decide how much the color lasts and how intense it shines. Today I was brainstorming on why the blue shouldn’t last and it finally hit me. The longer the blue remains, the more smiles are lost forever. Smiles should never be compromised. Smiles are too contagious to pass by. I love how we can act as if everything is ok and it instantly makes us feel better. I love how something as simple as smiling boosts our mood. We simply seem to forget to smile.

Smiles are lost when we stop rooting for ourselves. Smiles are lost when we decide not to believe. Yes, it will be better someday but most importantly we must realize how good it is at this very moment. A few months ago, I could only dream of living in a place where I could feel free and walk, and now that I can do that, I feel I’m creating conflict where conflict was never meant to be. Unexpected events will happen, especially when the unconventional was chosen; but that doesn’t mean we should crumble with discouragement when faced with an obstacle. Anything I can do to feel better I should do. Anything that will get me closer to the life of my dreams is worth fighting for. I have a tendency of playing the victim card too often and complaining is my weapon of choice. Today in this very special day in August I choose to let go and live now. I choose to walk away from the blue because it has nothing productive to offer.

Sometimes life isn’t what we expect it to be but that doesn’t make it bad. We think we should control but the opportunity to learn how to let go of control is much greater than control itself. We over thinkers think we should feel every single emotion over and over again when that can be completely destructive. Whatever keeps us from smiling is never a good idea. Anything that forces us to lose smiles will never be worthy of our time or attention. Not exercising, over eating, partying excessively, avoiding responsibility, thinking too much, controlling are all things I do to avoid true happiness. For an instant they might give me instant gratification but deep inside it just hurts me. Why? Because that’s running away from life and running away from life make smiles go away for a very long time. And the longer we lose our authentic smiles, the harder they are to get back.  I love living life and I’ve learned from experience that running away will never make it better. Protect your smiles by not getting lost in the blue. The sun will always shine if we choose to remember that even in the cloudy days it’s there hiding behind the clouds but always keeping us warm and that should always make us smile.

Gone

I know now why so many want this. It´s a moment and you´re gone; he smiles, looks at you and has his actions speak louder than words and that´s it…that´s all it takes for you to be gone with no plans of returning any time soon. It´s only happened to me once before. I was overwhelmed by the emotion; I ruined it before it even started. You start to tell yourself to take it easy and it feels as though it is the most impossible task at hand. All you want to do is be with this person that makes your life feel so much better than it ever has been and you don´t know how to make that happen. How could this be? Our hearts are so fragile and yet, as soon as someone comes along, we´re simply willing to give them our very delicate hearts? That is insane. I cannot believe how fast it can happen. Without a warning, you´re going about your day thinking that someday it´ll come along, not knowing that someday could actually be today.

And then there´s life; when you´ve lived your life and you´ve gotten hurt…all the ghosts from the past show up in my head and they start to scream thoughts of fear. A fear I so desperately want to get rid of but that has evidence showing how holding on is the easiest way towards the end. Fear will never be a friend but caution can be. I´m grateful for what I´ve learned, specially from the mistakes. They have become old friends whispering words of wisdom into my subconscious and I´ve found it to be quite helpful. I still do not want to listen though. The heart will want to jump out of my chest into his heart and stay there. The heart wants to speak its mind and be fearless. All it wants is love and it won´t take no for an answer. The heart will take it as far as it possibly can until it gets what it wants or it breaks. My heart has no lukewarm intentions; it´s all or nothing.

While all of this is happening, my mind tries to be the guard of the heart and insists upon taking it slow. But as I know, the heart´s strength is overpowering and almost uncontrollable. My mind has grown stronger. It has learned how painful heartache is and has become wiser.

I met him and I smiled because I knew. He smiled because he knew, I hope. It felt right, it was easy, and it fit. This time, unlike the last, he cared enough for me to notice. The details of his actions warmed my heart and I was gone. What kills me is his head. What is inside his head at this very moment? What was inside his head on that very moment when we looked at each other? I don´t know. And when a heart is on the line, especially mine; not knowing actually makes it skip a beat.

Knowing you are capable of giving your heart to someone without knowing if he wants it is excruciating. I saw him and I was gone, completely gone in an instant. I am gone and I do not know what will happen. Heartbreak is the ultimate fear in these matters. I´m gone and all I can do is have faith that the past will stop repeating itself and I could actually have it all. But being gone is an ache I had missed. It´s a beautiful reminder that I´m alive and that anything is possible in this crazy life.

The fear or the faith?

I utterly hate fear. It can trick me into believing something I’m not. It whispers into my ear what I cannot do. It tries to trip me and make me fall into a hole of inadequacy. I’m looking at it right in the face and I do not want to listen to it or let it in. I am ready to explore the unknown and tired of buying the whole crap that I’m too old or that it’s too late. Even if there’s something I want to do but feel that I can’t, I’ll just mock the fear in the face and act as if I can do it and then be done with it. Having been born in a hole where darkness makes most of the people blind to see, I’m ready to open my eyes and see the colors that only light could create. The fear never feels right. The fear closes your eyes and closes your mind to the possibility of the beauty.

The fear can only be overshadowed by the faith. The faith is what needs to be shed on our fears. I feel as though little by little the fear disappears. It intends to come back and haunt us but if we remember the faith and its powers, we should not fear. The waking up is the hardest part. The fear knows about our forgetfulness and tries to catch our mind as soon as we wake up. That’s why it’s important to have a phrase when you wake up to make the fear go away. Then you remember and it calms down and you know the fear is unreal…it’s a figment of our imagination.

I utterly love faith. It gives you a reason to wake up in the morning and have something to look forward to. It whispers words of wisdom and encouragement. It tries to remind you how absolutely anything is possible and to never give up. It supports you in following your dreams and your heart’s desire. Even if the odds are against you, the faith knows you can do it. The faith is the light…darkness isn’t even an option for the faith. The faith is the one and only thing that is real and worth listening to. The faith should always win the battle against the fear. And because life is a decision, I know the faith already won; now and always.