Here & there

In that world I am queen. I was born with a gift and everything has been given to me. In that world they all want me and nothing seems that complicated.

In this world I am nothing, nobody. Here I only see what is around me…blinded by confusion. I don’t know what to be or how to be it.

In that world I own everything. I am the hero of the story, the wise one. I am young but somehow found a way to know how to dress and be. I am flawlessly fit and beautiful.

In this world it took me years to feel comfortable in my own skin. Here, I had to lose a ton of weight to feel adequate. In this world I feel invisible at times. The boys cannot seem to stay.

In that world, the prince is easily recognized by the white horse he rides in. Music seems to start playing as soon as we see each other for the first time.

In this world expectations have been broken more often than not, dreams change as constantly as people’s minds. It seems to be ordinary and mundane.

In that world it isn’t as perfect as I thought it would be but interesting and never boring. The colors and the rainbows surround me more often and I feel inside the glow.

In this world I feel as though I’m standing outside. I do have some sort of strength and never feel alone. Mistakes seem as easy to fall into as love.

I’m here and I’m there. But because this world is easier to touch, I get caught up in it. I mustn’t forget where the soul flourishes, where it breathes. I have to be here and I have learned to stop resisting what is. But I should as easily accept my soul’s desire to visit the other side.

The fantasy is as real to me as reality. I cannot seem to find a clear way home but all I can do is try. And when this world doesn’t seem to make sense I must visit the other one and find strength in knowing that it might never make sense but it is a beautiful mess and it’s mine.

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A glimpse

In between the pain and the loneliness, hope rears its head. Almost all of the time, the loss is felt except when the clouds part and there’s a tiny hole in the sky that whispers into your subconscious: “You’ll be alright, you will be loved.”

It should never be just about this, it isn’t. Life is so much more than romance. Why then do we let it steal away our days? It’s the power of the emotions. When someone makes you feel wanted, you feel as though you’re enough, even though you have always been enough, always. But it’s the reminder, the whisper of love, of joy. That’s what calms our soul.

When we lose what we never knew we always wanted, we become blind. We cannot seem to see what’s around us. I look at myself in the mirror and it’s a blur, I cannot distinguish one day from the next. And whilst I try to focus my vision on what I’m trying to be, there it is…the unexpected clarity. It unfortunately lasts only a mere minute. But for those 60 seconds, I can see, I can feel again. In that precious moment, there’s a beautiful glimpse of floating hope that wipes off my tears.

It doesn’t last, but it’s there. As soon as I lose my 20/20 vision once more, I start to use touch to get by. Loved ones hold my hand and help me through, reassuring me that clarity is coming. I smile because I believe them, even if I cannot seem to see it, even if the darkness won’t let me see, I believe them. I lose my patience when I remember how wonderful it feels to see all the colors of the rainbow. But then I breathe deeply knowing they’ll come back someday.

It’s that one glimpse that reminded me today that pain wasn’t built to last forever, just for a moment in time. Altogether, only for a glimpse.

Where am I?

I wake up again, lost. This time I’m older but not necessarily wiser. I’m faced with the same decision. Should I stay or should I go? Will I ever figure it out? The different shades of grey seem to make the gap between black and white grow further apart. Little did I know about this living situation when I was younger.

The dilemma is not knowing. Should I try to fit into the box in order to maybe someday fly or should I take a trip on a rocket ship where the sea is the sky? The fantasy lures me in but it has also betrayed me in the past. Or should I put out the fire of being free and make my life grow inside the box?

If I came up to myself, what would I tell me to do? Important question that should be answered. I think I’d tell myself, first of all, to relax. Nothing should be worth betting my peace. No matter what I decide, I must know that my future is full of happiness and fulfillment. I don’t see myself fitting the profile but I do see myself feeling free and stable. I’m always caught between these two world and which one wins is still yet to be seen.

I wake up again, I’m not home. I feel restless and lose my breath as I remember where I am…which is nowhere. The walls close in on me and with every passing minute I push them away, I have survived another day.

Whatever world wins, I’ll be the hero of the story…I’ll be the one that gets the happy endings and beginnings against all odds.

I wake up again, I feel lonely and lost; but that doesn’t mean someday somehow I won’t find my way.

cooling

This my favorite song. It is a combination between reality and fantasy. The definition of how the world is and how we see it is a contrast. The melody’s sadness is powerful but makes perfect sense. It talks about endings and beginnings. Cooling’s emotions are clear. Tori wrote it after a horrible heartbreak and I can relate.

It makes me cry because it has a way of conveying the message that this too shall pass. But it’s not as simple as that. When you’re in love and don’t really want to fall out of love, having the love pass is a mourning, a horrible loss. I feel as though a death just happened, the death of love. And because there’s nobody else like him, the mourning has to happen for me to ever be able to open my eyes again and fall in love again.

The reminder is clear, it’ll pass…but it takes a while. It’s that while where all the crying and coping happens. When we seem to forget how wonderful life is and what really matters. It makes you want to give up and sleep for the exact amount of time it’ll take to get over someone. I don’t want to wake up to life one moment sooner than that. But I can’t. Life happens with or without me and I have to know that without me it won’t be as great.

“Faster than I can, this is cooling.”

Don’t let it

It’s not that hard, only as much as we allow it to get. It’s not that big, but just how close it actually is and how our focus is. It’s not a tragedy, it could even be a comedy instead. It’s an obstacle until we figure out the solution. It hurts, but it shouldn’t last.

I am currently still in a heartbroken state, might lose my job, gained a little weight and am dreading going back to a routine that is threatening to kill me. Everything reminds me of him and my mind tries to pull my dress up and mock me. I have to face my own demons, the hardest ones. It’s absolutely and utterly overwhelming until I decide it won’t be.

I must remember that it’s never really about what is happening but how you deal with it what makes a difference. I was about to break into tears because I thought I had the right to play the victim card until I decided I wouldn’t. Anytime the urge to complain or be the victim shows up, don’t let it. Whenever you think your life isn’t good enough, stop. Yes, it’s good to have goals and strive for a better life, but even more important than that is to protect our happiness. We should protect our happiness and peace as we do our loved ones.

I want to be happy with what I have no matter what. Why? Because I do not know how much time I have. If my life ends tomorrow, I want to be someone who didn’t let misery settle in. Someone who knew what it was all really about. Someone who enjoyed each and every moment and not taking it for granted. Someone who tried hard but most importantly lived passionately. And when the urge to get sad or give up sneaks up on you, smile at it, mock it, be better than it. You are better than that.

Today is the first day of a brand new year and I am determined to be happy, peaceful, accomplished, loved, loving, brave, strong and surrounded by those who matter most. And if any emotion, human or monster tries to bring you down, don’t let it. Just don’t. You have a choice, never forget that.