Daydreams

I woke up and decided that today I’ll skydive. I get there and there are some skydiver friends. I decide to be brave and just do it. The guys are really nice and supportive. I do some cool stuff up in the air and everyone, including myself, is impressed.

The next day I’m at Burning Man and I’m super fit and have the perfect weird clothes I’m suppose to parade around. Fashion is life. I walk around and I’m friends with all. There is peace and joy in my heart. 

The next day I decide I want to sing. I gather a group of people and I sing. A local radio station owner hears me and asks if I’d like to be on one of his shows; I gladly accept. 

I’m a painter and I start to put my work out there. My paintings get sold fairly easily and I am over the moon and cannot believe this is happening to me!

In my free time I enjoy taking photos. I go out with my semi professional camera and take mesmerizing pictures. Some of them make it into cool websites and people really love them; I do too. 

The next day I decide it’s time. I’m going to publish my book and it’s gonna help so many people that the word gets out and Ellen Degeneres finds out about it and invites me to her show. I’m psyched but mostly extremely happy to be making a difference through my art. 

I daydream these stories daily. I wish and I hope and reality still does not compare. I do paint, I do have a book, I do take photos with my semi professional camera and I do sing. But why can’t I put myself out there? I don’t know. 

Daydreams keep me alive and I long for the day when my daydreams and real life become one. I swear my heart is in the right place and I will continue to improve my energy so that I attract opportunities to shine and do what I was put here to do: art.

The thought of you

The thought of you is haunting. It crawls in and it won’t let go of me. The memories last because they’re deep. The feeling has a name but I haven’t found it yet. The thought changes its form and it always takes your place. The thought of you smiles at me and knows. It knows what I’m feeling and how deep it goes. It had waited to find me because my heart had to grow big enough to feel you. Logic tries to deny me the pleasure of going in; today I won’t let it.

Passion grows and it shape shifts into trees and moments and experiences that never seem to end. I’m underwater and I’m up in the air. I’m here and I’m there and I’m everywhere and all I can see and think is you. I close my eyes and the thought is felt by the touch of your hand and that very unique smile on your face you have when you see me. It reminds me how much you love me even when you’re not close enough to hold me. It whispers lullabies that sound sweet and soft. It sometimes screams and makes me feel alive. The thought of you also reminds me of the challenges and it kindly tells me that love isn’t the absence of hardship but the growth it inevitably brings. I smile knowing that the path is lived tighter and closer than before because of them. I found the thought of you in my head and it was chasing me. You sometimes take a hold of me and I let you because it feels amazing and inspiring. Your eyes are leaves. As a child I always wanted a leaf because it is perfect and beautiful and sheds green and light wherever it happens to be; your eyes do the same for me. They shed green and light and give me hope even when hopelessness is trying to bring me down.

The thought of you reminds me who I was and who I am. It reminds me how deep down inside I knew all along what was real and what wasn’t. I thought I was insane for wanting more and wanting it as soon as humanly possible. It turns out the thought of you was real way before I met you. Having faith felt impossible at times because having you was necessary; and even though you were very close, we were worlds apart. The difficulties and mistakes from the past had to be lived and made in order to be able to finally see you. I probably passed by you a thousand times but I just couldn’t see you. You say I’m the invisible woman because you weren’t ready to see me. I couldn’t see you either. Now I see you, I feel you and I think you. Now you’re here.

The future is always unknown but the present is given and is meant to be enjoyed and acknowledged. The thought of you today needed to be felt. The thought of you keeps going and loves the red and the raw and the passion. The thought of you makes me smile and makes me want to be completely and absolutely me. It teaches me about compassion and growth and it reminds me how love should be. It isn’t perfect, it’s magical.

Into the green

She closes her eyes, opens them and finds herself surrounded by life. The flowers bloom, she forgets some of their names but remembers their scent perfectly. She takes off her red lovely shoes for an instant to connect with the grass. The lilies tell her their secrets and she rejoices in their wisdom.

The violets wake her up with kisses and she smiles in solitude. The trees grow taller and stronger. They remind her of the power hidden within. She picks some apples, pineapples and papayas, willingly swallows them piece by piece and it makes her skin glow. The colors of the fruit remind her of a dress she wore when she was back in the city. She then takes a swim in the river. The rocks have a very specific message and even though they’re hard on her, it’s all tough love. There’s nothing in nature that doesn’t possess love. The soil keeps her grounded and reminds her of humility.

Later on, she eats some zucchinis and spinach for lunch and the green makes her grow a wee bit taller. After so much communication, she gets an urge to follow a path. She follows her instincts and finds a beautiful one in the woods. She isn’t sure where it leads to but she trusts it, she’s unafraid. Birds accompany her with a song and fly above watching over her.

Suddenly, there’s a tiny and cozy little cabin. The path had been uphill but not hard enough for her to stop. She walks in and there are flowers on the table. The walls are old but not abandoned. The scent is strong but soothing. No one seems to be home; she oddly knew it was her own. She takes off her shoes once more and opens the window.

In solitude she remained and found a closet full of vintage dresses she used to wear. All full of color and one white one. She put on the white one and went out for one last walk before it would get dark.

The path on the other side was downhill. It led to a lake. Once again, close to the water she could clearly see the fish and how in harmony they swam, never questioning a thing. The dandelions convinced her to sing and so she did. She sang a soothing lullaby in the midst of the green and she smiled. It might have seemed as though she hadn’t accomplished much but she did. She got to see the flowers bloom, the trees grow, the birds sing, the fish swim and a tiny home become hers and fit her just right.

Will someone show up soon? She doesn’t know. But she does know how blissful this tiny corner of the world makes her and that’s all she could truly ask for. She’s grateful for everything and more.

E goes to bed and cannot wait to discover more flowers, more colors and shapes she hasn’t yet figured out. The stars tuck her in. She can’t wait to keep learning, to explore and simply live. In the midst of madness it’s incredibly easy to forget to live and acknowledge how that in itself is a privilege.

Heaven on my tongue

I don’t think I’ve ever been closer to Heaven than I am now. The clouds are fluffy and soft. It’s quite nice up here. The best thing about it is that it’s not what I thought it would be; it’s better. The puzzle is coming together. I used to feel like it was the hardest thing to be different. It ended up saving me from myself and the monsters that weren’t even there; they were a lie. Staying true to my being has been the greatest gift I’ve been given. I didn’t always hold up my end of the bargain, but I am now.

I sometimes teach and there is nothing more rewarding than having students tell you that you have made a difference in their lives, that you have helped them. Listening to words of gratitude, love and appreciation is inexplicable.

Creating smiles is a wonderful endeavor. It makes me realize that making a difference in this world, whether it’s with a melody, a flower, deep words, designs, colors or by sharing a lesson; is what I really want to do with my life. It’s what we should all do to some extent. I have been privileged with a knowledge that is beyond me and I know that there’s a reason for that. Knowing what I’ve seen has allowed me to brighten up someone’s day sometimes. A simple gesture, the right attitude or a good sense of humor can turn things around and people show their appreciation. And once you reach this point in your life and realize that the secret to happiness is inside, there isn’t much more to it. It’s a daily choice and once you start honoring the light, you know that there’s no other way to be. Everything simply starts fitting and things that used to cause worry, now have vanished.

I am well aware of what I want to do but the big difference now is that the here and now is the source of the joy. Being present can truly change you, but it does take time to understand this. Patience wasn’t always my friend. Because when I say time, I don’t mean the time that everyone seems to be obsessed about; I mean meditation, reading, breathing, silence, creating and making the right choices. Everything is upside down & once you make your peace with that and open your eyes, your life reaches new standards and the chains are cut loose. Your heart is free. The authenticity and spirit in you are out, open and ready to play.

In my time during the living, it has been a compilation of experiences, angels, difficulties, books, lessons, mistakes, trying and inspiration of all kinds. You are pushed to the limit of Hell and in return, you choose Heaven. If I wouldn’t have gone through Hell, how would I have recognized Heaven? The Great Divorce is a wonderful book to read about this. Take the parts that make sense and make something pretty. Listen to what I have to say or don’t. Make your own choices and don’t apologize for them. Sometimes some people will be hurt by your mere existence and that’s not your fault, it’s theirs. Live fully even when the glass is half full. I don’t know much but I know how it feels and that is a miracle in itself.

Happiness found

She wasn’t like anybody else. She did not give up on finding love in life and then she found it. Right then and there, she talked to him and knew. His honey colored glance sweetened her moments from then on. For once she didn’t feel uneasy and found a piece of happiness hidden in his soul. It wasn’t what she thought it would be, it was closer to what she never knew she always wanted.

His dream was to open a place where people could come and be themselves. He wanted to create a space for everybody to escape reality and enjoy whatever world their minds would take them to. He wanted something small but grand. He never knew that creating such a place would be as rewarding as it turned out to be.

She wanted a baby. Not because she was told she should have one but because deep from within she knew she was born to be a mother. As soon as her one and only baby was put in her arms, she was made. She trusted the voice from within that told her how caring and loving she could be to take care of another.

We’re told it’s supposed to be a specific career or pattern that’ll take us there. We’re told to find another person to guide us through the path for eventual bliss. I do crave love but then I refocus my vision from what’s lacking to other lovely events that bring joy and smiles. What if that’s it? What if it has nothing to do with what is bringing us happiness but just the fact that it’s shining and spilling into our lives? I get exhausted when I think about him. I start to sink when I cannot seem to have that which I crave but cannot touch.

And then, without a warning, there’s the flower that blooms, the little girl with the red balloon walking down the street that cannot control her excitement. There’s the kind stranger helping me get through the very narrow path. There are many colorful happenings that make life rich. I find happiness hidden in the most uncommon places and I know that the more I acknowledge its existence, the more it’ll reproduce itself throughout my waking time.

What if happiness changes? What if today it’s a place for me but a person for you? All he wanted was a simple smile from the girl that gets coffee from his corky Café. Today she smiled at him and he could have made a short film out of that story. What if we stop and stare at the details that flavor our days?

I have finally found you and because I’ve made this discovery, I will continue to appreciate that which can only be admired. We must unlearn the behavioral patters that try to distract us from the most precious finding which is one of the most simple but complex concepts; happiness.

Escapee

It’s happening. This is real. Life is finally unfolding. By unfolding I do not mean it’s perfect, I mean it makes more sense. I’m getting to sing, to write, to photograph and witness people at their best. They are still human and flawed but that will never really change. I used to be in prison. Life was more about doing what I was told; I lived through it without being aware of what was actually happening. Now I am out and responsible for every single one of my minutes. The beauty in this freedom is indescribable but interestingly enough, a huge responsibility. Because I did not know of such freedom and bliss, I have overeaten, overslept, over partied and over everything. What would you do if you’ve just been released from prison? After a few months of such liberation, I’m searching for the perfect balance.

Because I am in love with my newfound freedom, I find myself going through the pictures in my head of what I have been able to witness after having escaped those closing walls from my past. I had no idea what I was missing out on. What is unfolding before me, tastes sweet and precious. Living it once just won’t do. I can spend hours going back to the moments I so much enjoy, the faces I get to meet. I cannot seem to get enough of this living life to the fullest situation; it’s intoxicating. The fear of having to go back to prison makes it dangerous and exciting. But even if the fear is strong, the urge to fly overpowers it. Playing it safe is the greatest risk after all.

Now I must find a way to enjoy but also be responsible, let go of the idea that I must figure it all out. I must learn moderation. Now that I am out, I realize the many programs that were forced on me in prison. I can honestly say I didn’t know how to think or be, only what I was told I should do. The only one good thing that I did learn was discipline. Because there was so much time to waste in there, to you had to be organized with your time in order to survive, you had to be in shape.

If you’re not out of your prison yet and feel locked in, get out. If you’re out, find your own bliss. No one person is the same from the other. Let’s run away and let’s breathe. Let’s live wildly and healthy. I do believe it’s possible to have it all. The happier you can become with yourself, the happier the people that walk into your life will be, the better the lessons will taste. If you resist the lessons, the more they will come back. The more you wallow about the past, the less you’ll live today.

I am moving towards trying to find the balance that I know will feed my soul. So long as I forgive myself for not having tried harder to escape, I’ll be able to build from it instead of holding it against me. I know that time was wasted but all I have is now. All I can do is learn, move on and soar.
Much of my time is spent simply enjoying the freedom. Those who were born free easily take it for granted and I know I never will. The prison is unforgettable but maybe, just maybe, it gave me one of the greatest gifts: the ability to appreciate true freedom. And that’s something I know not everyone gets to experience.

What is perfection?

I can’t believe how fast and drastic life can take a twist and a turn. I can’t believe the friends I have, the music I’ve listened to, the books that are a part of my being and the new philosophy of life that I not only believe in but apply. I am deleting and throwing away the waste and leaving all the good and what’s pure. The feeling has finally set me free. Most people won’t understand and they’re not supposed to. If they did, you’re doing something wrong. If only they knew what this life tastes like, the world I live in wouldn’t have enough space.

I can’t help ridding myself of the useless. The feeling of knowing what to do, how to be or who to do it with and really not care about the rest is perfection. Of course there is no such thing as perfection. Funnily enough, only by accepting the imperfections can you really get closer to what is called perfect.

The events and experiences have become truly enjoyable because of this push and pull between caring but letting go. I don’t know how I got here but I simply feel enlightened and I know I was meant for greatness. It might be a blessing and a curse, but when you feel you’ve been given a gift, you have to know how lucky you are to be able to see through your eyes and try to make this world if only a little better. Time is an illusion and it’s been on my side all along. Perfection finds you when you’re doing what you love and after you’ve rid yourself of all the programs that have been lodged in your subconscious.

Another beautiful part of the puzzle of perfection is knowing that we can’t know it all and we cannot figure it all out; not today and probably not ever.

Gorgeous gray

I am still not getting everything I want. And yet, I have it all. I still haven’t found you. And yet, I feel whole. I do not know what will happen or where I’ll end up. And yet, I am happy where I am…wouldn’t change a thing.

Why not find an excuse for being happy? It almost seems, as though we’re not allowed to be free unless we have figured everything out. I have learned something about myself, I will never really figure it all out and that’s exactly how it’s supposed to be. Desire will always persist and exist but I won’t be a prisoner to its temptation. I will learn to live with the angels and devils inside me and learn to play with them all.

There will be struggle but because of it, there will be bliss. There will be darkness, but the light will become much more beautiful because of it. Why resist anything? Let’s embrace it instead.

Today is one of those days where the black and white have decided to become gray and be better because of it. Today is all we have and accepting what we can and can’t control will taste so sweet we won’t believe its taste.

I was never a big fan of the gray but in the end it is all about balance. It’s about letting go but fighting for what is right; a combination of learning from the past and building a wonderful future while enjoying the present. This shade of gray is gorgeous. Today I celebrate it all and feel grateful for this one life I have been given.

100 Days

It’s been one hundred days that I’ve been able to share. Without knowing who would read, I shared. This is a good reflection of life. Sometimes we create without knowing who will listen, who will come, who will care. I’m at a point in my life where I simply need to create. I do not know how it will unfold, but I must do it. I must take this untraveled road. The unconventional path seems to find me wherever I go. It has caused pain, but it has caused great joy. Most people my age seem to have figured it out somehow but that’s fine. I am me and I do feel there’s something I have to say, that I have a purpose in this world.

Thank you for existing. Thank you for reading. If it wasn’t for people like you, life wouldn’t be as colorful. I love living in a time where I can communicate with anyone, anywhere. Yes, I do believe technology has separated us all but on days like today, it brings me closer. I feel closer to helping, even if it’s only one soul.

Success means different things to different people. The most successful human being I know is my mother. She is dressed in happiness, no matter what. It’s easy to get swept away by anything that is not sheer joy. But then I look at her and realize there isn’t that much more. Yes, there seems to be a lot to accomplish, a lot to hold, but there isn’t much to be but happy. If we find a way to be happy no matter what is happening, I believe a life is saved.

I crave love, my soul weeps for it at times (as I’m sure you can tell from my many posts). But in spite of all the wanting, being happy gets me closer to my heart’s desires somehow. I believe it shouldn’t be that hard. It isn’t. But first we must strip ourselves from all the wrongful thinking we’ve been taught by society, people and experiences. We have to believe and know that happiness wasn’t created to be pursued, but to be had. Words are easier but actions follow. And if you feel like you can’t, just act as if and soon enough it’ll be a habit and you might have just saved your own life. I know that’s what I want. And that’s why I love it here. I not only get to share, but also discover what’s been inside all along: a beautiful and unique voice that has a lot to say. Thank you for breaking the silence, thank you for reading.