This is the end

Hold your breath and count to 10…

What happens at 11? Why didn’t they tell us about 11. You give up and it’s over but then it’s not. You’re in a hole under the ocean, it’s the end except it was just not. 

When will I get tired of my own bullshit? When will enough be enough? How long will I wait to live the life I’ve always wanted?! 

I don’t know. I don’t know how much I can take of this mediocrity. Wake up! Wake up! Wake up! Do something! 

I don’t know what to do. My terrible habits are trying to kill me. My disregard for the future has finally appeared itself in the future and I don’t see much of what I wanted. I didn’t work hard, I didn’t stick to anything. Now I’m lost and with a feeling of doom. 

I’m really hoping this will have a happy ending but I’m sensing it’d be too far fetched. 

This is the end. Hold your breath and count to 10. Then count to 11 and picture yourself doing yoga. If you don’t have a happy place in reality, go to a happy place in whatever world you can create. I’m struggling with it. 

My imagination is shut because I’m feeling hopeless. My dreams seem to have vanished and my talent mostly goes unnoticed. I dream but I don’t do. I dream but I don’t do! As I don’t do, I age.

It’s here, the end. I feel like I have enough reasons to give up and yet! Life finds a way to keep me going. My mom, my nephew, Martin, love sometimes but not me. I’m gaining weight and having the hardest time loving me; but I’m working on it. 

I hope to return on a happier day when it’s not the end.

The fighting

Fighting has become something people are good at. One wins the other loses. Or so they think. But who wins really? We fight, we get exhausted and then we feel horrible. The true winner is the one that does not engage; not even when there’s enough reason to, not even when we think we should. 
Don’t get me wrong, you’ll never let anyone disrespect you. But the best moment for that is after the anger, after anything has or hasn’t happened. Just after, later. 
Don’t engage. Let it be. Let it go. 
You’d think I’m only talking about fighting with your couple, with a friend or even an enemy. I’m also talking about yourself. Stop fighting with yourself. You’re the one you attack the hardest. “You’re not good enough.” “You’ve made too many mistakes.” “You can’t do it.” These are just a few of the many horrible things you tell yourself. Stop. The lower self will attack you and you must learn not to engage and be kinder. Be more loving. I know you think you’ve fallen behind in life but even if you have, that’s not good enough reason to be tough. As I’ve said before, there’s never a good reason to fight, to attack, to hurt. 
Feel the emotions, let them move you towards something positive and then LET THEM GO.
It’s a hard task to embark on. It’s hard because we’ve grown used to fighting and winning. Win and enjoy your glory but don’t drag your emotions through the gutter. The less you fight, the more enlightened you’ll feel. The more enlightened, the better the life. 
A woman hates you and wants to fight. What do you do? You don’t do anything. You don’t ask for any favors, you pretend she doesn’t even exist. Why? Because this will protect your peace. And your peace is a treasure that you should protect at all costs. 
Don’t engage. Let it be. Let it go.

The imperfection

You’re stuck in traffic. Life sucks. It’s all very hard except it isn’t. We make it suck. It’s all relative. When you’re born privileged you feel entitled to things to be perfect. They aren’t and never will be. 
The lesson here is to chill when it isn’t perfect. You’re terrible at this. You want to know why everything happens the way it does. You can’t know. You might never know. Not until you’re perfect. I love you but we both know you’re not perfect. Not until you get here.
So in the midst of madness and insecurity; what to do? Dance. Smile. Listen to music. Say positive affirmations. There’s never NOTHING to do. 
Even in desperate times, there’s something to be done. People think it’s hopeless. It’s not. 
You didn’t get the raise at work you know you deserved? Well, you can whine and cry but it’s not gonna change a thing. Instead carry on with the job and focus on the very little good it has. And let it motivate you to find something better. If it feels like the wrong job it’s because it is. WAKE UP! You’re better than that. 
I know you lack confidence so keep working on that. Keep working on yourself, your art. The dark path doesn’t have to be an ugly one. Embrace the mess. It makes for a better story. 
Love always,