What you lose

She was the greatest thing that had ever happened to him. She believed in him when no one else did. He had never been loved, not even by his parents. She saw him and thought he was worth saving; unfortunately she was wrong. She was love, he was hate. As much as she wanted to save him, he came undone and that is that. They got married, they had two kids who were hers and never his. And then, after endless days of indifference…he lost her. The hate buried deep inside his heart weighed down the love that had never been given to him early on. The love any child craves was lost forever.

I guess you lose what was never meant to be yours. He never deserved her. He did try to hurt her when he found out how loving she could be. He tried to hurt his own kids as well. But in the end he only ended up hurting himself and lost the greatest joy in life: love. Sometimes we can’t believe what we lost but then if you take a step back at what was lost, you realize it had to happen. He had to live in hate without taking anyone with him. He was not worthy of unconditional love. He couldn’t even recognize it when it was right in front of him. What he lost says a lot about who he was. He ended up alone without love.

So when someone or something in your life has been taken or lost, stop and think if it’s truly negative or simply what was meant to be. What you lose says a lot about who you are. Those that stay in the relationship because they don’t want to lose the other. Those that have a job they hate but stay because they’re afraid to step outside the box. Or those that remain silent because they are afraid others will lose respect for them. They might not have lost what they so carefully protected but what they have lost is themselves, the love, the joy and pretty much life itself. What you lose speaks loudly about who you are. The willingness to lose what is wrong is worthy of my respect. Tori says: “I’m not sure who’s fooling who here, as I’m watching your decay.” Those that seem to have it all and have lost nothing seem “complete” but they decay by not staying true to what is right. The greatest sadness is that they don’t even know it. And they end up losing the greatest pleasure human beings are given: living life. Be proud of who you are and if you’re not, it’s never too late to start over and do things right. And to do that, you’ll lose everything that is not worth having in the first place. Then and only then will you enjoy the living.

Advertisements

Emotional cutter

I first heard this expression on Sex and the City. Yes, I am a big fan. The men, the friendships, the fashion and the issues women go through. Who wouldn’t love Carrie Bradshaw? She’s real, sweet, and absolutely lovable. I have the entire series and the first movie; the second movie shouldn’t have been made. Anyhow, this expression is from the movie. Carrie had been left in the altar and utterly heartbroken once again by Mr. Big. Oh this guy made her suffer; but what could she do? He was the love of her life. Carrie had been featured on Vogue magazine as a bride, wearing the most beautiful designer dresses that have ever existed. After the heartbreaking event, on Valentine’s Day, Carrie opens the magazine to read the article once more. Miranda asks her; “why would you, of all days, read the article today?” “I’m an emotional cutter.” Carrie says. I’ll never forget it.

Endless times I’ve been an emotional cutter. Facebook is many times my weapon of choice. I swear Facebook and I have a love and hate relationship. It allows me to know what my friends around the world are up to, but they also allow me to see how an ex-boyfriend so easily moved on and never even cared about me. I emotionally cut myself by looking and wondering and thinking of what could have been. I emotionally cut my veins when I ask myself whether I could or should have done something differently. I do the same thing with all the careers I started but never finished. I also cut myself  when I compare myself to others. I cut myself when I wish I could be in a place from my past that doesn’t exist in my present. I swear I feel as though some of the happiness I felt in the past maybe wasn’t even real; it was a dream. I dreamed when I was sleeping. I’m not quite sure sometimes.

I know it’s good to have dreams and want something better, but I cannot cut myself everyday thinking of the mistakes I’ve made and what they’ve cost me. I cannot cut myself thinking of the love that hasn’t knocked on my door because of something I said or didn’t say. Was I pretty enough or should I have done something better to get him? I cannot keep wondering how to be better or whether or not I should have done something differently…I just can’t! Because the feelings that arise after I emotionally cut myself are worse than the hurting itself. Let’s start today by treating ourselves as lovely as possible. Let’s start by admitting our regrets and mistakes and be fine with them. Absolutely every single experience teaches. Every single mistake helps us.  At least I know now how desperately I want to stop being an emotional cutter. And sometimes it’s OK to mourn but do not let it last. You’re too amazing to get hurt. Protect your soul, even from yourself.

The storm

Everything seems to fall into place after a storm. Why didn’t it end before? It wasn’t the right time. I am completely on my way and the wisdom found after losing sight of the shore is unexpectedly reassuring. “You cannot discover new oceans unless you have the courage to lose sight of the shore.” I lost sight of the shore and encountered the storm of my life. After staying inside the storm that was not right for me, I can finally see the shore and safety is once more a part of my life. What I discovered was scary but enlightening nontheless.

I had to go through the storm to find the shore again. If we never sail, then how will we know how to cherish what we have? Struggles are a blessing. Loneliness is a gift. When you make it back home after the stormy waves, you’re grateful to have loved ones and you know you can never take solid ground for granted ever again. I know I was brave because I was willing to not just go into the storm but I endured it for a long time. Now all I want to do is live life to the fullest. I do feel tired from all the swimming against the current and protecting my dreams. But I did not die, I survived and I am better for it.

I can finally see the shore. My feet aren’t quite yet on solid ground, but the comfort of knowing it’s right in front of me is the peace I strived for. I’m not in a rush, for the happiness I feel while I’m swimming towards the stable ground is completely safe and comforting. You see, once I get to the shore, I have to explore and find new things that will be great but will take up a lot of my attention and energy. For now I’m getting prepared for whatever God sends my way. But I’m also going to do what I want to do and then do what I have to do. It’s all about enjoying the now. Nothing’s going to keep me from floating. Especially now that I know I’ve survived. I’m grateful that the craziness is over. Life will always be crazy, but being where I am makes me realize how dramatic youth can be. In the future, there will be struggles; but every day I live, I learn and realize how I’ve become quite fond of growing older. Everyone adores youth, but youth carries with it drama, insecurities and the unknown; things I can do without.

For a while, when in the storm, I would dream and wouldn’t want to wake up because the dream was so much more beautiful than the tiring storm. But, after the struggle,  I am forever in debt to the dreams because they kindly whispered into my soul how the storm would pass and how I would walk my beautiful path once more. The storm I endured blinded me from seeing the shore but it could never stop me from dreaming. And here I am, almost completely on solid ground and safe, and especially grateful. It’s amazing how different it all looks after surviving the struggle. The storm has passed and the calm feels like Heaven. And I must say; it’s so much better than never leaving the shore. Even with all the pain and struggle, living is always the right choice…with or without the storm that nearly killed my soul.

Done

“It’s done. We’re done.” When you don’t choose life, life chooses for you. And if life is nice, it will be done sooner rather than later. Stay in tune with your instincts and you’ll know what is right. The longer you wait, the worse it’ll get. You see, there’s the living and the dying amongst us all. The living still know what is right; the dying know what is convenient. We are all born alive but then as we get older, we get to choose. Will I live life alive or dead? Put a dead soul with a living one and it’ll try to kill it. If you’re alive, everything will fall apart when it’s wrong; the fairies are with you and it’s their job to get you out of anything that is trying to kill your soul. Life is protected.

I was brave and I went through Hell. But as Winston Churchill said: “If you’re going through Hell, keep going.” I kept going indeed but the loveliness of life took me out right before my soul would be lost. I was saved from the demons. Now I have an opportunity to start anew. Now I am here, right where I’ve wanted to be for the longest time. Difficulties are a part of life but Hell shouldn’t last. I do think we have to go through Hell sometimes because of the lessons found down there in the darkness and the heat. But when it’s time, get out. And if you can’t, you needn’t worry; if you’re still amongst the living…life, the fairies, God, the universe will get you out.

I love opportunities to actually put into practice everything I believe in. This is an opportunity. Or as Dr. Tom from Being Erica would quote: “In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity.” Albert Einstein. I am in the middle of it all and I love it. It’s easy to be brave when you’re playing it safe. It’s the greatest to be brave when you do not know what is going to happen. And if you don’t have the opportunity to be brave but feel deep inside you should be; make the change. I’ve been on both sides now. Playing it safe is risky business; you’re putting your life on the line and that’s reckless.

“It’s done. We’re done.” Beautiful words they are. They’re screaming loudly about an ending. But a soothing whisper softly tells you about what is about to begin…a life. Whenever you start over you’re getting a new life; what so many want and pray for every single day. Tori says it well “We’ll see how brave you are…” Show them how brave you are but most importantly show yourself how brave you are. All the writers, artists and dreamers that I call heroes have said it and done it before and now it’s my turn to follow and pay a tribute to my own soul. I survived Hell and I am better for it. So let’s all save a life, our own. Let’s follow our dreams and get up after falling as many times as we have to. And I hope for you what F. Scott Fitzgerald hopes which is “for you to live a life you’re proud of. And if you find that you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.” I truly do hope you are strong enough because there’s too much to lose if you don’t preserve a life; your soul.

The empty chair

The prom complex started around prom. Every single party that I have gone to alone where I would have much rather gone with somebody has become a pattern in my life. I watch shows or movies about prom or any other event where everyone has somebody to go with and it’s as if somebody punched me in the stomach reminding me how I was never the girl who got the guy. This all sounds shallow but I’m convinced it is not. If it were shallow, I wouldn’t feel it deep inside. The culture I grew up in was never kind to me regarding dating. Guys are shorter and less interesting to me and I appear to have some sort of super power where they are simply not interested in me or if they are, they do not show it. Then I moved to a developed country when I was a teenager and guys started to notice me and I actually realized that I was pretty to boys. But then sadly I am always back to square one and in a place where guys do not seem to notice me or don’t have the courage to ask me out.

I have never wanted to be popular because I saw what the popular crowd looked like or more importantly what they had in their heads and I swear the role I played as a child as the Queen of Hearts made me want to see their heads roll. Simply observe those in certain groups and their behavior and immediately after that, ask yourself if you truly want to belong with people like that. It became clear to me that not belonging was a compliment. I am fully aware of how I am one of the lucky ones and most of the time I am fond of my looks. But I am after all human. Going unseen is something that does not suit my personality.

Anger and sadness take a front stand in the long list of emotions through my existence when all of this crosses my mind. I’ve never had a date for prom or for a wedding or any other important event for that matter. Because I run away from weakness and want to inspire others to do so too, I show up at these events wearing a smile and the best attitude that’s hiding under my sleeve. But sometimes I wonder when is enough, enough? I guess it’s not up to me to say.

When I feel like it’s not in my hands, I try to let go of it and trust that it’ll come when it’s supposed to. I do not ask for everything to change right away; all I ask for is a sign that it can and will. If this is what God wants for me, I am willing to accept that. But so long as I do not lose hope, I’m OK. I know it is right for me because of the level of desire I feel from within. I’ll try to get passed the sadness left in my soul from the loneliness. I’ll try not to ask myself ‘why not me?” I’ll try to know that the empty chair beside me that has been empty for so long is simply waiting for someone with a life as unconventional and colorful as mine to take a seat. Until then, I look at the empty chair and try not to lose faith that in an instant it can all change; even if an instant feels like a lifetime. And in spite of loneliness and whispers of judgment, let that chair remain empty until you feel it’s someone worth sitting with. Never give in and let just anyone sit beside you. So when someone amazing sits with you, you’ll smile knowing you’re not a settler but brave and true.

Born to be

I finally know. I can feel deep inside what I was born to be. Some know when they are kids; some find out when they’re adults. Then there are the tragic ones that never know. I have found myself being somewhat of a target. Yesterday I was someone else’s frustration. If you find yourself under unfair mistreat, remember it has nothing to do with you. It can get quite complicated. The frustration that accompanies not knowing what you were born to be is unbearable. Or worse, knowing what you were born to be and ignoring the screaming voice is pure torture. I have sadly met those who either don’t know or know but ignore what they were put on Earth for. They obviously do not know whether you know or not; but they do know their very own frustration; they have to live with it. Realizing this sad reality made me feel grateful.

My life is not perfect; it’s quite challenging at times. My life is not where I’d like it to be but I do know. I not only know now who I was born to be, I know the way to be. This is the definition of living. I’m far from perfection but I do not ignore the voice. I haven’t taken it so far that my soul has started to wither. Yes, we can find ourselves being victims of frustration and misery; but so long as we are not the bitter ones, we’re blessed. If someone you do not respect or admire mistreats you, it’s a compliment. If the miserable kind looks down on you, it should lift you up. Twisted, I know…but I believe this to be true. The way they treat you has nothing to do with you; it has everything to do with them. What is inside them is what they can give. You can try to help but sometimes they don’t even know what has happened. A life lived on autopilot; a life that passed them by without knowing the meaning of life.

Know what you were born to be and if you haven’t found it, keep looking. And if you are fortunate enough to know what your purpose is, fight for it, defend it and protect it until the day you die. And when the ignorant ones that do not know or the cowards who choose not to listen to the enunciating voice try to take their ugliness out on you; ignore it and feel sad for them. If only they knew how wonderful it is on this side. They can have anything they want; what they need will never show up unless they wake up and swim against the current towards discovering how to breathe the air, how to walk the path and find where life lives. Then they will not only join the living but know what they were born to be and that’s the point of it all. That’s the only reason life was given to us in the first place; to live it.

Soothing green

I’m mesmerized. I’m back on the same day. Every single day feels just like the other. But I have met these lovely creatures worth writing about. Just for the sake of the story line: I am currently not where I want to be. After living in a place that I loved, I expected to at least do something I love but the opposite happened. It’s ok…I got over it. Now I’ve made new friends here…the trees. The loveliest part about this experience is the trees. In the midst of imbalance, insanity and dysfunction, trees are the saving light throughout the merging days. Their height, posture and color are some features I can easily relate to.

If trees could talk, their language would be peaceful. If they could have a message to send, I’d be comfort. They accept the weather whichever way it is and don’t question their own existence. All they do is stand strong. All they do is move with the wind, get wet with the rain and exude different shades of green. I remember when I was a little girl I would organize my crayons and if the green would be missing, it looked hopeless. So as hopeless as here feels, it’s very difficult to lose all faith when you’re given the gift of green by these lovely creatures called trees.

So when you’re going through a rough patch, look around for anything that makes you smile. Have it be a tree or a wonderful cup of coffee. A great friend of mine once told me: “start a grateful journal and each day write something you’re grateful for…that helps you get through rough times.” Well today I’m grateful for trees. They’re leafy, green, tall and beautiful. They don’t hide from the sun or the storms. They remain standing, unafraid and always smile back with a shining soothing nature.

I don’t like…

To be kept waiting, noise, manipulative people, awkward moments in elevators, investing time in something I don’t believe in, hypocrites, feeling overweight, hurting myself with food, not accepting things as they are, bad temper, my habit to complain, not staying in touch with art, regret, competing, comparison, odd numbers, romance that hides from me, corporate monsters, insignificance, fighting, insecurities, not finishing what I start, not singing, disrespect, creepy dreams, overthinking, dishonesty, abuse of any kind, judgment, falseness, imbalance, conformity, fear, my own laziness, crazy expectations, control, anxiety, stress, discouragement and oppression.

I’ve always been a supporter of focusing on what you love. But sometimes what you hate is an indicator of what is unacceptable. What you don’t like tells you what you must protect. I recently read a chapter in my book entitled ‘Hate well’ and I was surprised. To my amazement I discovered the truth. Be clear on what you don’t like and do not let others do that to you. I always thought I knew all too well what I did not like; now I see how it’s surrounded me by people who not only know it but respect it completely. Stop others from doing to you what you know is wrong and they’ll gradually be gone. Then once you get rid of what you do not like, you’ll have enough room for what you hold dear. What don’t you like? What lines should not be crossed? Believe you me; it’s good to know.

Necessary addiction

I have a terrible addiction. It tastes like heaven and gives me instant comfort. It changes its form and size. Flavor is what makes it attractive. This necessary addiction found me through genes and lack of will. Its ally is emotional imbalance and it finds a way to crawl back into my life when I least expect it. Drastic change does not help me cope with it. This necessary addiction is one I will have to live with for the rest of my life. Being an all or nothing kind of girl makes it that much harder to deal with. Being an extremist, feeds the addiction I so desperately want to get rid of.

Yes, food. Food is my necessary addiction. It has never gotten horribly out of control but neither has it ever gotten terribly under control. If I did not hold fashion so close to my heart, I might have given up on it already. If I didn’t value my health as much as I do, I’d be long gone by now. But I never give up because I truly do not wish to do so. But what I do want to give up on, is the up and down roller coaster I cannot seem to get off from. When will it stop? I am tired. I know it’s nobody’s fault but my own but why can’t it be easier than this? I’ve gone through immense change lately; but why does my weight have to suffer? Why is it put on the line when I know how hard it is to be here? I don’t know.

I wish I had a metabolism where I could eat whatever I’d like. I wish I could love the way I look no matter what. I wish I didn’t have to worry about the whole dilemma. I wish I had an addiction I could get rid of and not need for survival. But that is just wishful thinking. That is not me. I have to find a way to live with my addiction and control it instead of the other way around. Will it ever end? I don’t know. But I know life can be wonderful and I believe that this has a solution. Very few things in life don’t have a solution and this isn’t one of them. I think everybody is different with varied necessities when it comes to nutrition. I am still searching for what works for me. But I guess on a day like today, all I can do is keep my head up and remind myself not to give up. I know my addiction is a necessity and I cannot get rid of it altogether but maybe I can learn to live with it. If you can’t beat it, control it.

Under his shadow

I love him. I can honestly say I look up to him. So much so, I sometimes feel insecure when I’m around him. But I also always give him my opinion. We usually laugh and sometimes fight. He is, to me, extremely successful. In the blink of an eye he made very logical and strategic decisions that he knew would lead him where he wanted to get. So whilst I traveled around searching for my heart, he was investing time in his future. And now I sometimes feel he has what I’ve always wanted. He’s studied his way to his dreams and found true happiness. I wandered my way towards nowhere and got lost. It feels as though he’s walking towards the light and I sit in his shadow. I have not been persistent or decisive regarding my future and now I just want to claim one for my own? Yes. And I will. It’s never the end; it’s always a new beginning. We tend to give up without starting again.

She keeps saying how she knows I was born to shine; I wish I could see what she sees. I wish I could love me as much as she does. Maybe someday I will. Maybe I will make the right decisions to get to my very own destiny. What does get to me is how, if I make more logical decisions, I’ll be proving the conservatives right. But not really; being right or wrong gradually has become insignificant to me. Doing what feels right, on the other hand, is indispensable.

Yes, I’ve walked under his ‘perfect looking, smile-fixing, popular, charismatic, top of his class, successful, responsible’ shadow. But I know someday we’ll both get to walk towards the light and be successful in our own way. I know that the time under his shadow has helped me learn how to step into the light. I know someday, somehow I’ll have it all on the inside and on the outside and live under nobody’s shadow.

And when I create a shadow of my own, I’ll let everyone know there is no need to hide under anybody else’s shadow because each and every one of us has a unique light that we have to let shine on its own. Yes, being under his shadow has been hard but the lessons always follow hardship. I am ready to walk on my own and follow my colorful, unconventional varied path. Shadows might not be the best place to be under but those whose shadow we step under are an inspiration. They are someone to look up to and strive to be like. I do love him and I do look up to him. But now I’m ready to step out of his shadow and create one of my own.