But it is

He left and he keeps leaving. Yes, it’s a different guy but it feels the same. It hurt and it feels as though it shouldn’t have happened, but it did. They should all care more, but they don’t. I should get as much as I give, but I don’t. I got the gig and then I lost it, once and again. Today was one of those days. A day where one more thing is taken, gone. It isn’t as bad as it seems, I’m just allowing myself to suffer. Here I am crying and it doesn’t really make it better; it just makes me feel worse. It’s fine to feel whatever I feel but I am utterly tired of sadness. Sadness has the lowest vibration and it brings me down. But sometimes there it is, trying to pull me down. Its pull shouldn’t be so strong, but it is.

I want to scream. I want to rid myself of the negative emotions, the drama. It’s important to remember how it’s not as hard as it feels. I feel everything. I touch the walls when I walk; I feel the air I breathe in and out. I look into people’s eyes and I can feel them. I look up all the time, the clouds almost always smile at me, and the rain likes me too. Being able to feel the way I do is a privilege, one I do not take it for granted. The plants soothe my soul with their green kindness; not to mention when my heart’s desire touches my skin or my fragile heart, you could kill me then and there. The emotional overload takes a hold of reason. That’s why I have the hardest time letting go; I feel the song that I sing, the person walking beside me. I cannot succeed at being indifferent because it all matters to me. It feels this hard because the intensity the emotions hold is beyond almost anyone’s imagination. It shouldn’t be as much, but it is.

It shouldn’t be this hard, but it is. It shouldn’t be such a constant struggle, but it is. Or is it? As long as we go on with or without the emotion overload, we can make it, we can live. Yes, it is this hard sometimes and what matters most is whether we carry on or not. It does feel this hard sometimes but so what? Giving up seems absurd and unreasonable. The longer I take getting up, the harder it will get. It is what it is and what you decide to do in spite of any obstacle will make or break you. It’s your choice and no one else’s.

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