In love

22 Jul

I’m in love. Just like that, it happened. Most of my posts were about this alluring energy that always escaped me. And then suddenly, just like the sun obviously rises every day, I was in love; madly so. How? I do not know. It just did. I hate to sound so generic but that’s exactly what it felt like.

His green eyes never looked so real; his smile never so white. It wasn’t at all what they tell you it is. It’s deeper. I won’t say better or worse because those adjectives should never be used to describe humans. It’s simply deeper, more complex.

The colors of the rainbow finally seem to make sense. You no longer question why red is on the outside, you’re fine because it simply is. Even when chaos surrounds, you want to smile. Life feels lighter and the days brighter. You can simply sit next to each other and have nothing bother you. I’m a recovering over-thinker and I never thought this could be so. I never thought I could just let it be.

Hearts aren’t as generic as you once thought they were. They are actually precious gems that must be protected at all costs and cherished constantly. You’re no longer reckless with what you say because there is a creature in your life that cares that actually listens to everything you say and how you say it. You no longer think that life is simply about the waiting. The waiting is indeed the hardest part about the living and in a blink of an eye, it becomes forgotten and almost nonexistent as soon as someone walks in the door and never lets you go.

You unexpectedly and slowly change. You remind yourself of the promises you made to yourself when you were single and honor them but always leaving room for change. If not, how could it bloom? It couldn’t. You think you’re tough until someone cuts you open and makes you face the softest sides of yourself. The sides you were trying to hide from because you were afraid of what you might find; only to find they were precisely the parts of yourself you needed to see the most.

Kisses become a regular part of your routine. Happiness becomes much more obvious and flowers seem to bloom in a much more natural way than they did before; they turn to the sun naturally.

You know and you remember who you used to be but you simply become a more beautiful version of yourself, you bloom. You feel understood, held and warm.

I’m in love. Just like that, it happened.

The point of it all

21 Feb

I’m reading a book about energy. How to keep it up and how to control it. I wish they would have taught this in school. I want to learn. Or better yet, unlearn.

Kids know it all. We know it all. We’re taught by those that do not know. They are trying to teach us how to be but nobody ever taught them. Some of them forgot; others never knew better. Maybe their parents knew. Maybe someday they’ll know.

Energy transforms our lives. Energy can save us from ourselves. When did we forget that the point of it all was to be happy? Yes, cars must be driven; food must be eaten; airplanes demand to be boarded. Places demand to be seen and money to be spent. But they should never become more important than our joy. When did we decide to pay that very high price? The price of peace. The price of joy. The price of life.

I’m not saying I’ve got this down. But at least I’m saying I want to. So many glorify the matrix we’ve created, we forget the point. Yes, the physical world can be touched but it’s only one dimension of life. I still don’t know any better. I catch myself craving more and more constantly. It’s almost as though it’s the ultimate test. A test I must pass if I truly want to be happy.

Children demand nothing, not at first. They simply are. They smile, they laugh, and only cry when they are actually in need. Remind yourself of that child. Remind yourself of your freedom. Improve your energy. No decisions can be made when you cannot see clearly. Unlearn the concepts that hold you back from being happy. Life might never be perfect but it can be perfectly enjoyed.

I want it all without falling into the trap of making it my only priority. I want to know better and be unapologetically joyful. Is that so much to ask? Happiness changes as much as we do, but if it’s connected to our energy, it can be stable. When we do not link our joy to things, we can maintain it for as long as we want.

It’s a complex concept to grasp but worth the try. If it makes you happy…it’s worth the shot. Results coming soon…

You, him, her

30 Jan

I want to be you. I like your hair and the way you move through the room. I want to be a mermaid. They swim around unworried about life. They’re always pretty and can go as deep as they please. I want to be you. You have beautiful, long blonde hair and everybody wants to touch it. I want your voice. You sing like an angel and can create melodies that make special souls stop and listen.

I want to be him. He always knows what he wants to do with his life and has more than enough extra cash in his pocket. I can’t seem to find those 25 bucks I keep losing somehow. I love the way he falls in love, uninterrupted. I like how his eyes stare when it’s inevitable to do so.

I want to be her. She’s one of those girls that always knew how to be fabulous and unapologetic. She’s poised and possesses a youthful wisdom that is as rare as a white butterfly flying through the sky and saying hello at random but perfect times. She keeps her skin sun kissed and soft. She smiles because she’s happy and I become her. She is inspiration.

I’m you, I’m him, I’m her. And most importantly I’m me. I don’t know when we got lost along the way and forgot that we get to be anybody. They cage us telling us that we’re only one person; that we can only do one thing. Nothing could be further from the truth. We’re too complex to simply be one single thing. If you can see more than one color, become the rainbow. Don’t allow anyone to cage you…not even those that love you. You get to be whoever you are; whatever your eyes get to see. You become what your endless imagination allows you to become. The people in your life are a part of that, but they are not it. You are it and only you. Society tries to cage us but we are the ones that say yes or no to that very limiting belief.

I’ve flown away from the cage and I can honestly say you can have the best of all worlds. You can enjoy earthly pleasures and still be a free bird. Your definition of freedom might change along the way and that’s a part of that liberty. Simply become whomever you want to be. And if you can’t own it, pretend. And if you can’t be it, fake it. Then, suddenly, almost out of nowhere you’ll wake up to find you are exactly who you want to be. It won’t be perfect but it’ll be the most glorious experience. And when that day comes, you’ll smile and all that will be left is sheer joy and an endless amount of gratitude. The only two emotions you want to feel when freedom has knocked on your door.

Be anyone, be anything, be.

Visibility

13 Jan

This is the first. This is the first time I can see him. He was there but I couldn’t see him. It turns out I was invisible. It turns out I couldn’t see myself. I realized I was invisible a few years back and started to freak out and started asking myself why. Instead of trying to become visible, I could not get over the fact that I was invisible. Maybe he was there but I couldn’t see him. I couldn’t see me.

It took me years to become visible. No one gave me the recipe. I was lonely in my invisibility. I did get to meet other invisible creatures and they were all quite interesting. Because I was invisible, I spent no time acquiring much. I don’t know how much faith I had in becoming visible. Not because I didn’t believe but because I became comfortable with not being seen. The hidden souls had an interesting pull. They listen to music that the visible can’t hear. They drink a lot of wine and talk about the pain all the time.

For an instant, I thought that was it. Except it wasn’t. I was forced to spend time with some visible creatures and as much as I tried to ignore them, they were screaming. They wanted me to come to life. Why? I wondered. They knew I wasn’t born to be hidden. They knew I could always cherish my invisibility powers but shine bright and rid myself of the fears.

I slowly started to show myself. It was a very slow process. It was a process that I wasn’t even aware was in progress. The transition was life changing. There were many losses, including parts of me. I lost touch with the invisible crowd. They kicked me out of their space when they realized what was happening. I didn’t even know it but they were starting to see me and that was breaking the cardinal rule.

I’ll never know where they are because I can’t easily see them anymore. They are gone. They will always have a special place in my heart and I remember their faces full of misery and false hope very vividly. I loved their music, their drama, their darkness.

And now it’s my first time. I get to see this beautiful green eyed creature and he is as alive as I am. Because I was formerly invisible and unaware of being so, it’s quite a fascinating experience. I am anything but one thing and he isn’t as complex but full of life and love; it’s mesmerizing. That’s the thing about the invisible ones; they have a certain kind of allure; but the visible ones are the allure. They are beautiful and unapologetic. They walk in and want to be seen.

I wasn’t sure if it’d be worth it to become visible; in certain ways it’s harder and more challenging. But then it happened and now I can’t wait to catch up. I want to do everything and go everywhere. I want to embrace life after I’ve slowly discovered myself and have walked into the light. I’m seen.

I’ll never judge the invisible ones. I’ll never judge the visible ones. I just think there’s a time and place for everything. Try not to waste too much time asking yourself why things are the way they are and work on figuring out how to become what you want to be deep inside. Choose your company accordingly.

Deep inside I wanted to be visible but couldn’t admit it. Now I am visible and the sights and sounds are positive and vibrant. I can’t believe I can see him as easily as he can see me. It’s yellow and it’s right. It’s obvious and it’s clear. It shouldn’t be confusing or negative. It should be beautiful and bright.

Who I’m supposed to be

11 Nov

I know who I’m supposed to be: confident, happy, strong, independent. I feel like I can have anyone. I feel powerful and in control of who I am. I walk in and everyone looks at me. Girls want to be me, men want me. I have a strong foundation and a small but very special group of friends.

I get to have it all. I work in art but with a fabulous successful life. I perfect my skills on a daily basis and never procrastinate. I have the ideal weight and don’t really have to worry about being healthy because I simply am.

I know exactly how to dress and what my look is. My past inspires me to inspire others. I have long hair and can travel as frequently as my heart desires to do so.

But then the evil forces take over.  I don’t know her name. Let’s call her Malia. She’s insecure, stupid, procrastinates and cannot seem to have her shit together. She goes on and on about her insecurities and is looking for approval from anyone and everyone.

I’m a Gemini, maybe that explains something to those who believe in that stuff. If it is true, I am in this constant battle between who I should be and how I sometimes feel I am not. Will it ever feel right? I do know that in those moments when I am who I know I’m supposed to be, life shines. The light is so bright, I can’t even stand it.

Maybe we’ll never be completely who we’re supposed to be, but better. The trials and tribulations make us more human and help us help others. I do know some people that seem to be perfect, I’m not one of them…and that’s OK.

I’m an artist and artists have the responsibility of feeling absolutely everything.

Knowing who I’m supposed to be is better than not having a clue. A few years ago I didn’t have a clue. I do not know why it has taken me so long but that’s fine too. As many books point out: you cannot go against what is. Try to become a better version of yourself little by little and try not to be too hard on yourself. I know that’s all I’m trying to do. And I know now I’ll get there somehow. I don’t know exactly how or when…but I’ll get there if it kills me. Good night and good luck.

Endings?

11 Oct

I’ve had a million beginnings.

Once upon a time there was a little girl. She only cared for purple and had a lovely lady watch over her. She’d tell her stories at night, so the little girl learned how to dream. They were mostly fairy tales. She started to dream. She wanted to dance, sing and get all the attention that these perfect princesses seem to naturally attract. Mandy was quiet but had dreams hidden inside. Boys never liked her, she was too strong and big for them. She’d hope there would be at least one that would come and play. He never showed.

Once upon this other time she was a teenage girl. She started to grow an interest for books, strange words, unique sounds and other weird creatures. Her loneliness made her creative. She completely forgot about the little boy that wouldn’t play with her. She was too young to remember. There were a couple of boys she fancied but they chose other girls and our dearest Mandy stood alone again. This one would be harder to forget.

Once upon any other time Mandy was in her mid twenties. She wasn’t just looking for love this time. Somewhere along the way she got distracted and lost her soul. She was looking for both now. She started with the soul first since she figured that’d be pretty useful for everything else. After trying really really hard, she found neither.

Once upon many other times our girl was tired and a few years older than before. She didn’t have a soul, she hadn’t found love but she did have a restless heart. It wouldn’t leave her alone. Here she was again, as usual, alone.

Once upon another time, she’s 30. She’s never known love. She’s the sun and recently found a moon. He doesn’t believe love exists. She likes him but isn’t sure if this is yet another perfect opportunity to be left stranded as usual in the middle of nowhere with barely enough water to survive. She running out of bandages to mend her broken heart. When will there be any sort of ending? A girl needs closure.

I guess sometimes we aren’t supposed to understand.

Once upon the perfect time…

It’s me

8 Oct

He picks me up and I ride alongside. We talk sometimes and remain silent at others. I try not to overanalyze. His voice is a fascinating one and I want to hear what it has to say.

“Here, here, here.” I hear a voice whisper. I look around and cannot see where it’s coming from.

I meet K for coffee and she has a million things to say. They are lovely things. She has a lot of money and can buy anything her heart desires. She’s the girl everyone wants to be.

“Here, here, here.” I hear it louder.

Izzy loves me dearly and always wants what is best for me. She gives me the best advice I’ve ever heard.

“Here, here, here.” It does not seem to stop.

He drops me off after our fourth date and makes me wonder whether he likes me or not. He has absurd concepts about the heart and how it beats. As ridiculous as to even blurt out that there is no such thing as love. I remain silent not knowing what that means and look up to the sky. There’s one beautiful star and it reminds me that I was built to survive.

“Here, here, here.”

Where is it coming from? Where’s the voice? It’s here. I’m on my own and I have to love it. Sometimes by chance and sometimes by choice, I have been on my own more often than not. I used to think it was a curse, maybe it could be a blessing. I do not want to need anybody to be happy. I don’t want to forget what time it is or where my spark is.

I’ve unconsciously been waiting to be saved when I’ve been the hero of the story all along. I don’t know how or when the plot took a twist and made me this powerful creature. I guess it was there all along, I just didn’t want to see it.

Who can save you? Who can love you? Who can be the best thing that ever happened to you? It’s you. Never forget it.

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