Faces & places

I’m in a place where travellers pass through constantly. Some are here for days, others for months, very few for years. “The more places you see, the better understanding you can have of the world” a traveller once told me. I completely respect this. Not everybody is lucky enough to travel the world for a year so I cannot say I truly know what if feels like. But from the experiences I’ve had, for me it’s been more about the faces. The places can make an immense difference, but the faces can change your life. I remember the faces of all the friends I’ve made, what they’ve told me, and the mark they have left in my life. Yes, we might have been sitting by the bay or chilling at home, hanging out by the beach or maybe even in beautiful San Francisco. But if it all became a blur and I couldn’t remember where we were, I’d remember the expressions they had when they were sad or when they smiled at me…I froze those frames and hold them with me.

So, for me, as important and wonderful as I think traveling is, the people you get to meet no matter where you are or go is what matters most. We’re all in this together and we all have different driving forces, but this is mine.

The faces have given me comfort when I’ve felt lonely. Our passion for places have made us meet too. But that moment when you feel you can actually connect to another is what has driven me to think this life is worthy. Not moving from place to place can be quite difficult, specially when you have a restless soul, but I want my difficulties to be someone’s relief. I feel I have had moments where I haven’t been able to do everything I wanted to do but this happens and all I know for sure is that whatever pain I go through, it will help others get through.

I want to be a face that helps others, a face that can smile at life no matter where I happen to be. I want to be the kind of face that would stop moving when I find another face that I think is worth sticking around for. The places have given me treasures, but struggle has made me. Sometimes leaving is easier than staying. For now, I have to stay and I know the faces I find will help me through the restlessness. I know that my mind can take me anywhere. I know that my decisions and how I use my brain can help me go anywhere. But if what is right is to stay then I’ll stay. You get to a point in your life where you cannot decide what you want, but what is right. Even when what is right makes absolutely no sense. It doesn’t make sense to stay but it’s what is right and that’s all I know for sure.

The places decorate the scene but the faces make it.

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Here & there

In that world I am queen. I was born with a gift and everything has been given to me. In that world they all want me and nothing seems that complicated.

In this world I am nothing, nobody. Here I only see what is around me…blinded by confusion. I don’t know what to be or how to be it.

In that world I own everything. I am the hero of the story, the wise one. I am young but somehow found a way to know how to dress and be. I am flawlessly fit and beautiful.

In this world it took me years to feel comfortable in my own skin. Here, I had to lose a ton of weight to feel adequate. In this world I feel invisible at times. The boys cannot seem to stay.

In that world, the prince is easily recognized by the white horse he rides in. Music seems to start playing as soon as we see each other for the first time.

In this world expectations have been broken more often than not, dreams change as constantly as people’s minds. It seems to be ordinary and mundane.

In that world it isn’t as perfect as I thought it would be but interesting and never boring. The colors and the rainbows surround me more often and I feel inside the glow.

In this world I feel as though I’m standing outside. I do have some sort of strength and never feel alone. Mistakes seem as easy to fall into as love.

I’m here and I’m there. But because this world is easier to touch, I get caught up in it. I mustn’t forget where the soul flourishes, where it breathes. I have to be here and I have learned to stop resisting what is. But I should as easily accept my soul’s desire to visit the other side.

The fantasy is as real to me as reality. I cannot seem to find a clear way home but all I can do is try. And when this world doesn’t seem to make sense I must visit the other one and find strength in knowing that it might never make sense but it is a beautiful mess and it’s mine.

Don’t let it

It’s not that hard, only as much as we allow it to get. It’s not that big, but just how close it actually is and how our focus is. It’s not a tragedy, it could even be a comedy instead. It’s an obstacle until we figure out the solution. It hurts, but it shouldn’t last.

I am currently still in a heartbroken state, might lose my job, gained a little weight and am dreading going back to a routine that is threatening to kill me. Everything reminds me of him and my mind tries to pull my dress up and mock me. I have to face my own demons, the hardest ones. It’s absolutely and utterly overwhelming until I decide it won’t be.

I must remember that it’s never really about what is happening but how you deal with it what makes a difference. I was about to break into tears because I thought I had the right to play the victim card until I decided I wouldn’t. Anytime the urge to complain or be the victim shows up, don’t let it. Whenever you think your life isn’t good enough, stop. Yes, it’s good to have goals and strive for a better life, but even more important than that is to protect our happiness. We should protect our happiness and peace as we do our loved ones.

I want to be happy with what I have no matter what. Why? Because I do not know how much time I have. If my life ends tomorrow, I want to be someone who didn’t let misery settle in. Someone who knew what it was all really about. Someone who enjoyed each and every moment and not taking it for granted. Someone who tried hard but most importantly lived passionately. And when the urge to get sad or give up sneaks up on you, smile at it, mock it, be better than it. You are better than that.

Today is the first day of a brand new year and I am determined to be happy, peaceful, accomplished, loved, loving, brave, strong and surrounded by those who matter most. And if any emotion, human or monster tries to bring you down, don’t let it. Just don’t. You have a choice, never forget that.

Siblings

Three years apart. He always knew what he wanted to be, she still doesn’t know. He gives away only what can be returned, she doesn’t even know what she has to offer. He decided to take the safer side of life and nobody told her flying wasn’t an option. They shared each other’s parents but decided to take different things into account. They shared grandparents and decided to admire different qualities from them both. She cherishes relationships as though the end of the world was around the corner…he has all his relationships stored in a box with other things he keeps but doesn’t use. She cannot seem to understand him but tries desperately to accept him. He doesn’t try to understand or accept that which he cannot touch or prove.

She cries when feelings get hurt, he saves his tears until pushed to the limit. Her books on the shelf are filled with dreams, rainbows, unicorns and messy lyrics. His bookshelf is full of math, teeth and equally squared equations. She believes in fairies, he believes that the concept of fairies shouldn’t even exist, it is a waste of time. She fights with a passion for equality even if it’s a constant battle. He can only see through his glasses and won’t share anyone else’s perspective. She loves wearing other people’s glasses. So far she’s worn purple, green, yellow and blue looking glasses. He only wears neatly cleaned see-through glasses and will never share, never.

She can be dramatic and messy. He’s organized and doesn’t waste time on what will take him nowhere. She is the queen of mistakes, he is the king of success in his field. She hasn’t even found a field where she can run freely…while he’s winning the shiny trophy. He has the opportunity to help her but will only do it if she has gold to offer. Unfortunately, she’s never liked gold and only has silver, he doesn’t like silver. Why take silver when you can have gold? he wonders.

She cannot seem to give up on her fairies. He cannot seem to stop criticizing those that believe in fairies. He wishes more people would just compete for the golden trophy and stop wasting time. She wastes time and writes poems and sings songs about it. Whilst he’s winning the game. And the referee loves them both, deeply.

He would kill a fairy if it’s in the way of him getting that trophy. She sits patiently by the colorful tree hoping the fairies will come and light the way home. He plays, she lives.

What is right?

You wake up and right then and there, the first decision presents itself for duty. What should I have for breakfast? Will I be good or bad today? Will I work out? Will I continue going to the job that I hate or start living a life I’m proud of? When will it be enough? Here’s the thing, we’ve reached this place where we are not connected to nature or life or anything anymore. We are on auto pilot and if it doesn’t stop, what’s at stake is our life. In my mind I picture the end and having God or life or the universe ask me…what did you do? Did you play it safe and follow the crowd or did you do what you were put on Earth to do?

That’s why a basic decision can make such a big difference. The sum of all the decisions we make is what we are. But here’s the best part, forgiveness. Right here and now we are forgiven for not living the life we know is true. Of course, first we must be sorry and then we must do something about it. But I do love how we can screw up and start all over again. I love that it is never too late because we are human. That’s another important fact we keep forgetting. But one thing I know for sure…you have to mean it. You have to snap out of it and begin life even if you’re afraid; even if you’ve been hurt. It could have been a parent that disappointed you or a spouse. I know how bad it can be…but that’s that. Other people’s wrongful actions should not affect your life. Do you realize how much power we give others by letting their dysfunction lead our lives?

If there is something you hate that you can change, you have nobody to blame but yourself. “I’m doing it for my loved ones”…many say. I get that, but why can’t you work at something you love for your loved ones? How you feel doing what you love is the greatest gift you could give those around you. Why would they want you stressed, tired and bored? It’s amazing but I know for sure now how I cannot do something I do not like and expect to be happy. There has to be something I like about it; it must look my values in the eye and smile knowing they’re on the same page. I could justify my decision, but I simply could not be happy. I don’t regret absolutely anything because of the lessons they so kindly taught. Because of the wrong decisions, I can finally see what’s right.

Today I want to have a healthy breakfast, I want to work out and be happy. Not because I feel like doing all of that, but because it is the right thing to do. When faced with a decision nowadays all I ask myself is: What is right? Then I take it from there. The results are starting to show and the inner peace it brings is invaluable. I encourage you to make the right decisions and live the right life for you, whatever that may be. Hardship might show up but you are brave. Doing what’s right is scary but doing what’s wrong and having to live with yourself is fatal.

Created chaos

So, I’m at this place in my life where things are starting to go right. After a tremulous transition…I’m in a place I quite like. It is a new change though. But the point is…I like it here. A promise of a better and bigger life feels closer and what do I do? I create chaos. I try to pick a fight with almost anyone. I try to ruin a beautiful moment. I try to create chaos! This happened yesterday. I started to lose my peace and then I stopped to see what was happening. I realized I am afraid of being happy. How terrible is that? Just as the book I’m reading says. “If you’re a true artist, you become an expert at being miserable.” There’s only one problem with that; I hate being miserable. I love being inspired and feel whatever I’m supposed to feel…but I am not willing to be unhappy. I think happiness is the ultimate goal and peace is the ultimate way to be.

The one good thing about this tiny breakdown I had yesterday was that I could see it for what it was: fear. And when you stare at fear in the face, it vanishes. It doesn’t want you to know who he is. Fear knows that if you face him, he ceases to exist. If you don’t let him take over, you love yourself and love destroys fear. Only one or the other can win. And sometimes we have a harder time loving ourselves. And so yesterday I loved God and asked him to protect me from the fear. He did. I hadn’t been able to sleep with Fear’s distractions. And last night, in an instant, I fell asleep and woke up ten hours later. It blew my mind. I woke up a new person and once more I was reminded how God is love. I’m not talking about anything other than true love.

When I’m afraid, I’m not being loving. When I create chaos, I destroy peace. When I run away, the problem doesn’t cease to exist; it grows. So why create problems where they do not even exist? There’s no reason whatsoever.

Fell from a cloud

When faced with a difficult decision it’s quite intriguing to decide what is best. It’s very easy for emotions to get in the way, people’s opinions cloud our judgment and the fear of wondering if regret will follow the decision we made is enough reason to be left paralyzed. What has played another important part in the process for me is the past. I’ve made an awful amount of decisions in the past that have quickly been followed by outcomes that have been disappointing and painful enough to make my heart skip a beat. I had to say goodbye to people I wasn’t ready to say goodbye to, I’ve left dreams undone, emotions unfinished. I’ve pictured different paths through the concept of what could have been and the difficulty it brings is quite unpleasant. I’ve based decisions on what I wanted, I tried to follow my heart and listen to the dreaming whispers. I fell from a cloud and found myself injured and right back where I had started. Now, I find myself waking up from the fall for a third time and just like last time; I am forced to create a home inside a dirty puddle of mud I’ve never been quite fond of.

I now realize how my ability to make a decision gets harder each time. Yes, I love the clouds…but are they worth climbing if it means I might fall all over again? Well, I have learned one thing from my former rides on the clouds; I ran away from the ground. I left things undone down here without hesitating to do so; and that can be very damaging in a whole different way. And here I am, in the dirt once more. But this time, I’m not repulsed by it. I know what it is but I think twice before leaving again. I do know I’ll leave again someday somehow; the dreams that live in the clouds are too beautiful to pass out on; but I can no longer run away. Funny how I’m not willing to run away anymore; I no longer want to rush into anything because the satisfaction that comes from concluding a chapter is a satisfaction I hadn’t known before.

Finding a way to make dirt a home has made me realize how sometimes we have to get dirty and stay for as long as it’s right in order to grow wings to fly once more. This is what happened to me in the past; I did not wait long enough to grow wings that were strong enough, long enough. And still, I got to dance with angels; I got to fly; even if only for a second.

My endless fear had always been to miss my cloud. I saw a cloud and took a ride on it as soon as I possibly could. Now I know how it’s OK not to hop on a cloud just because I can. I’ll take the cloud that comes along when I’ve finished learning my lessons here on the ground; when my wings are sturdy and ready. I wanted an easy fix and now, after many clouds and many falls, I know that there’s no rush. Yes, many things must change and they will. But if you actually want to live in a cloud…you have to know that it takes time. And if you wait to learn your lessons without wondering why you’re not up there yet; you’ll suddenly see how your wings grow little by little, until the right moment arrives. Your wings will have grown enough for you to be ready to soar. Then you’ll be able to bounce from cloud to cloud and have tea with angels any day of the week. That’s when you’ll know you’ve made it. Not only to be up there but to know you’re there to stay.