Beating through 

So many things bring us down. So many things kick us down. Yes. Life gets tiring and I have always let it beat me. It finds an excuse not to work hard. 

I’m trying to slowly and steadily take care of myself. It all starts there. Your skin, your body, your fuel, your teeth, your ideas. Simple things that are diamonds! We should take care of our diamonds because they are our instrument. 

The guy hurt you; a parent disappointed you; your friends betrayed you, you put yourself down. And suddenly, that’s enough to not care and give up. Terrible. That shouldn’t be and I can finally see it clearly. 

It’s time. Work out even if you’re tired. Wash your face even if you wanna go to bed. Eat healthy even if you’re craving those fries. It’s not worth it! Instant gratification is not worth it. It doesn’t make you happy in the end. I learned that the hard way. I’ve experienced it.

As I’m writing this, I realize how hard it is. And yes, it is really really hard. That’s why we don’t do it. Discipline takes work and energy but the payoff is huge. 

So yes, I’m utterly beat but I’m willing to finally push through and take myself to the limit. I’m willing to write more just for the sake of writing. I’m willing; are you?

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The girls

Audrey wakes up every morning, puts on her make up, chooses a dress, pulls herself together and smiles at life. She walks out and smiles at the palm trees that remind her of the beautiful ballet dancer she could have been. All the guys stare at her and her pretty smile. The dress she wears is full of flowers and it reminds her of the loveliness within. Walking the streets feel like a runway to her. Being admired is more than enough to make it through the day.

Nicolette only lives at night. She’s sexy and likes to get the attention from every attractive man. She shines whilst sipping slowly on a martini. Her ego is almost as big as the guys she’s attracted to seductiveness. The harder to get, the better, the more people she knows, the better; the more attention she gets, the better she looks. Her little black dress reminds her of glamour when she could have been a celebrity. All her friends are fabulous and all she needs to survive is the never-ending nightlife her soul craves. The light of the moon is all she longs for. She wants to marry the night.

Elizabeth craves knowledge. As soon as she wakes up, she needs to learn and read. She needs to spend time alone and not worry about the outer world that constantly overwhelms her. Writers and composers feed her soul. She likes quotes and the letters feed the words in her head. Elizabeth knows there’s nothing better than seeing every single angle of whatever situation she’s going through. She knows better than to care about that which does not matter.

Juliette has a melody in her head always. She sings because it’s the only way boys will listen to her calling. She desires the piano as much as a child craves sugary treats. A red head feeds the melody that began when she was born but was awakened as a teenager. She sings so that she can be heard, she dances so that the music never feels lonely as she does sometimes. Juliette’s hair flows like a melody through the wind. As long as she’s in a song, she’s happy…even if it’s the wrong song.

Mary is grounded and cannot lose track of what’s right and wrong. Her background is very conservative and she cannot help but be pulled from what’s wrong to what’s right. The unconventional is Mary’s worst enemy. She wishes she wasn’t as judgmental but knows that so long as she doesn’t go all the way, she’ll be fine. Her constant artistic friend reminds her how her past shouldn’t define her, if anything it can help her make it through alive.

Jesse loves to be fit. She runs so that her genes won’t catch up with her; sometimes they haunt her. Numbers are in her head and she can’t help but count what she has or hasn’t done. She dresses comfortably and knows how hard she has to work to defeat the demons that never seam to leave. It’s not about making them leave; it’s about making friends with them. She walks and sometimes runs. All she knows for sure is that she cannot stop, even if she feels like it.

If you have not yet figured it out, I am the girls. If you think I am one person, it’s simply a reflection of your naiveté. I try to keep them apart but being the soul sisters that they are, they pull each other together creating some sort of unique self. I have not yet found a creature that can deal with them all; especially not their heart. I have not yet found a creature that isn’t afraid. I have found creatures of the same sort; they have encountered the same obstacle. But maybe it’s not an obstacle but an opportunity. It’s an opportunity to look at life from a place of solitude and embrace not the one but the many wonderful things that we are. If you too are more than one, love them and let them breathe.

Necessary addiction

I have a terrible addiction. It tastes like heaven and gives me instant comfort. It changes its form and size. Flavor is what makes it attractive. This necessary addiction found me through genes and lack of will. Its ally is emotional imbalance and it finds a way to crawl back into my life when I least expect it. Drastic change does not help me cope with it. This necessary addiction is one I will have to live with for the rest of my life. Being an all or nothing kind of girl makes it that much harder to deal with. Being an extremist, feeds the addiction I so desperately want to get rid of.

Yes, food. Food is my necessary addiction. It has never gotten horribly out of control but neither has it ever gotten terribly under control. If I did not hold fashion so close to my heart, I might have given up on it already. If I didn’t value my health as much as I do, I’d be long gone by now. But I never give up because I truly do not wish to do so. But what I do want to give up on, is the up and down roller coaster I cannot seem to get off from. When will it stop? I am tired. I know it’s nobody’s fault but my own but why can’t it be easier than this? I’ve gone through immense change lately; but why does my weight have to suffer? Why is it put on the line when I know how hard it is to be here? I don’t know.

I wish I had a metabolism where I could eat whatever I’d like. I wish I could love the way I look no matter what. I wish I didn’t have to worry about the whole dilemma. I wish I had an addiction I could get rid of and not need for survival. But that is just wishful thinking. That is not me. I have to find a way to live with my addiction and control it instead of the other way around. Will it ever end? I don’t know. But I know life can be wonderful and I believe that this has a solution. Very few things in life don’t have a solution and this isn’t one of them. I think everybody is different with varied necessities when it comes to nutrition. I am still searching for what works for me. But I guess on a day like today, all I can do is keep my head up and remind myself not to give up. I know my addiction is a necessity and I cannot get rid of it altogether but maybe I can learn to live with it. If you can’t beat it, control it.