Say yes

She came, she conquered, she inspired. She believed in something and it became more than what she could have ever imagined. She worked hard and found something she loved. Sometimes the smallest things can inspire you to do more and be more. This is exactly what I want to do. I still haven’t found it. But day by day I feel closer to finding what it is I’m supposed to be doing. I must fight and push through and believe that it can and will happen.

Things are looking up and fear has tried to cripple in but I won’t let it. I want to say yes. Yes to life. Yes to love. Yes to finding and doing what I am passionate about. I will start with one single step and I’ll try to kick my own ass. I’m already getting fit, eating healthy and that in itself is a step in the right direction. I’m 32 and many times think it’s too late but that’s a complete waste of time. Whatever time I have left is time I have to get moving and become one of those kick as chicks I so much admire.

My life is anything but a straight line and it’s not figured out but that’s OK. So long as I keep going and believe that it can still happen it will, then it will. You have to be inside of life for it to find you. Inspiration has to find you working. Sophia Amoruso is a true inspiration. What I love about her story is that struggle shows up and she kicks its ass and moves on. I admire that beyond words. I will become a #GIRLBOSS if it kills me. Coming soon…

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Blindfolded

She’s in the middle of the forest and doesn’t know what’s going on. She has been blindfolded and her hands are tied behind her back. It’s daytime because she can feel the warmth. Lost she carries on without knowing where to go. All she instinctively knows she must do is find a path. How? She wonders. How will I be able to find it without my sight? She can’t. She simply can’t.

For years she carries on without knowing where she’s going or how to get somewhere she doesn’t even know exists. Until one very dark day, in the middle of the night she finds Mantra. Mantra seems to be quite dark but he isn’t. She hopefully expects him to take her to the path and tells him all about it. After carefully listening, he simple decided not to take her anywhere. And with one single word he devastated her. No.

She cannot understand why he won’t take her somewhere. He hangs around and starts to explain why he cannot help her. She’s hurt and disappointed, doesn’t want to hear anything he has to say.

After months of hearing him tell her how he can help in a different way, she finally decides to listen.

I will show you how to free yourself. I will show you how to find the path yourself. I will teach you to remove your blindfold and I’ll show you how to become completely liberated all on your own. She hated the idea at first and now, day by day she listens and she tries. She fails and continues to fail. She still cannot see. She first has to believe she can and then we will see what happens.

 

 

Inspiration

It doesn’t matter where it comes from or if it left. All that matters is that you create from wherever life seems to have put you, where you have put yourself. It all came flowing. The pain was unbearable and so it poured out of me. Now, inevitably, maturity finally came knocking on my door. I was wondering when I’d be willing to grow up a bit. Only a little bit though.

Now, I find myself having a hard time expressing myself because conflict was what moved me, what made the world go round. My dreams were still reachable and doable. I don’t know what they are now or what they’ve become. All I know is that here I am, writing. Here I am creating something out of thin air. Isn’t that what life is anyhow? Don’t we make it up as we go along? I know I have.

Rules seem to have escaped me. Life seems to have left me behind at times and I seem to be the young dramatic girl I once was. I am nothing and yet everything. I will always be a beautiful mess of contradictions. The only constant in life is change and I know that for sure. I see those around me plan and I am mesmerized by the idea. What is a plan? How does it work? How can one commit to one thing forever?

This confusion has led me to not get what I want. I didn’t know what I wanted so how was I to get it? It’s fine. Everything is fine and nothing is the end of the world. I do have one desire though. I hope to make a difference in this world and leave the Earth a bit better than I found it. Survival gets in the way, distractions present themselves all day long at many moments throughout the day. I’m trying as hard as I’ve been able to to ignore them and do more of this, more of love, more of life. I must cease to compare myself to others because I do not belong in this world and I should not desire to do so.

I’m in conflict in love. I’m trying to fight for my individuality whist sharing my space with another. He seems to want his things his own way and that’s fine. I’m just trying to find that perfect balance whilst achieving some sort of goal because my soul is tired of always wandering and have nothing concrete to show for myself.

The Wizard says I’m used to being uncomfortable and that all that matters is that I feel good for being me. He says that being me is enough success and that’s all that matters. What a lovely thought. Just writing it makes me feel better.

We shall see where this messy life ends up. I know I have to work harder, I also know I have to take it easy on myself and I know that I must be happy with what is because fighting is exhausting and I am very tired.

Here’s to writing again and never truly giving up. If we actually gave up, we wouldn’t get out of bed. And here we are, fighting the good fight for others that might have to face this thing called life.

The thought of you

The thought of you is haunting. It crawls in and it won’t let go of me. The memories last because they’re deep. The feeling has a name but I haven’t found it yet. The thought changes its form and it always takes your place. The thought of you smiles at me and knows. It knows what I’m feeling and how deep it goes. It had waited to find me because my heart had to grow big enough to feel you. Logic tries to deny me the pleasure of going in; today I won’t let it.

Passion grows and it shape shifts into trees and moments and experiences that never seem to end. I’m underwater and I’m up in the air. I’m here and I’m there and I’m everywhere and all I can see and think is you. I close my eyes and the thought is felt by the touch of your hand and that very unique smile on your face you have when you see me. It reminds me how much you love me even when you’re not close enough to hold me. It whispers lullabies that sound sweet and soft. It sometimes screams and makes me feel alive. The thought of you also reminds me of the challenges and it kindly tells me that love isn’t the absence of hardship but the growth it inevitably brings. I smile knowing that the path is lived tighter and closer than before because of them. I found the thought of you in my head and it was chasing me. You sometimes take a hold of me and I let you because it feels amazing and inspiring. Your eyes are leaves. As a child I always wanted a leaf because it is perfect and beautiful and sheds green and light wherever it happens to be; your eyes do the same for me. They shed green and light and give me hope even when hopelessness is trying to bring me down.

The thought of you reminds me who I was and who I am. It reminds me how deep down inside I knew all along what was real and what wasn’t. I thought I was insane for wanting more and wanting it as soon as humanly possible. It turns out the thought of you was real way before I met you. Having faith felt impossible at times because having you was necessary; and even though you were very close, we were worlds apart. The difficulties and mistakes from the past had to be lived and made in order to be able to finally see you. I probably passed by you a thousand times but I just couldn’t see you. You say I’m the invisible woman because you weren’t ready to see me. I couldn’t see you either. Now I see you, I feel you and I think you. Now you’re here.

The future is always unknown but the present is given and is meant to be enjoyed and acknowledged. The thought of you today needed to be felt. The thought of you keeps going and loves the red and the raw and the passion. The thought of you makes me smile and makes me want to be completely and absolutely me. It teaches me about compassion and growth and it reminds me how love should be. It isn’t perfect, it’s magical.

Find Never Land

Time is an illusion and Never Land is a place far away that some people have traveled to and many strive to go to. You would think that it’s packed with people cruising around the illusion and the dream but unfortunately only true purple people get to go. There are no short cuts to get there. It takes time, speaking up when you’re suppose to, not caring about the aliens that try to invade your privacy, etc. You also have to go through a lot of questioning. Questioning what you learn, what they tell you to do and almost everything to become purple. You basically have to realize that everything is upside down.

Another important part to find this place is taking the time to observe people’s true color. It becomes easier with practice and then you find purple people such as yourself that are also looking for this place but then you realize that the fact that you find other purple people makes this place look like Never Land. The reason why it’s called Never Land is because you may never know exactly what it looks like but then you also realize that you never needed to know. Once you make the decision, all the wonder starts and you get to see what heaven on earth looks like. There are many tunnels or instant passageways that take you to Never Land. It is different for every person. Some people are born knowing how to get there and they know what it takes and what they have to sacrifice. They know it’s not an option to give up on the journey since they raised their hand for the assignment. They know that it’s worth it. But then for some of us it takes a bit of time to realize we’re purple. And for many others it may even take a lifetime and even then, it’s not too late.

I’d like to encourage people to become purple or whatever color works for them, so they get to go to this marvelous place. Go through whatever you have to go through, even if it sometimes hurts. Whether it’s being different, experiencing a loss of a sort, dreaming big or being in the wrong song. This is what makes you and the more you make peace with your past, the easier the present moment becomes. And when you start to enjoy the moment, you’re in.

When I found Never Land, or more like created it, I don’t know how I did without it. It’s so peaceful, unique and windy that it makes me never want to leave. It has crystal clear water, I get to choose the weather and music plays without it having to stop. It is very colorful and time doesn’t matter. I get to compose, read, write and fall in love all the time in this wonderful place. Beauty is beyond words and people’s souls shine through like a ray of light. I sing and everyone can listen; I am constantly inspired and full of ideas when I travel to this place. Instead of sand you find gold dust and the sky is enchanted with clouds that have been painted personally for me. The trees grow as fast as sound and you never have to worry about anything ever again. This is how I feel when I go there. And sometimes I get to play with Red and she whispers beautiful stories into my subconscious.

Find your Never Land and you’ll never want to leave. I know I won’t.

Second opinion

Amy has pink hair because she always wanted to have a unique hair color. She never truly found her place in the world or maybe she did but no one ever told her. She was certainly an introverted extrovert and was born in a tiny country where she didn’t really belong. She didn’t even feel like her language was her own. She had big dreams and once she started living, she realized life wasn’t always what it seemed. She’s been outspoken; she’s followed her heart the best way she knew how but feels lost often. She’s given up but started over again and again.

Blake has black hair. He was born with it and wouldn’t have it any other way, there was no other color he could truly see, he was colorblind. He wanted to be a doctor and became one as soon as humanly possible. He found his place in this world because his place had been reserved in advance. He’s respectful and patient. He made reasonable decisions and has much to show for it.

I can see through both their eyes and they’re both powerful beyond belief. I understand Amy better but Blake is also understood.

He doesn’t care what she thinks of him. She cares a little bit what he thinks of her. She goes over it in her head, how it could have been. What if she would have found a better place sooner? What if she wouldn’t have spoken her mind as much as she did?

He has no regrets.

He is a world. She is a world. We can be opposites or similar and be fine with it. We can make mistakes or none at all and be happy. It does not matter where you’re from or what you believe in. There’s always a second opinion and another person that will have more or less than you do.

Amy and Blake grew up together and grew up to be quite different. It’s important to stay true to your individuality, no matter what that happens to be. If you fit the mold, there won’t be many second opinions. If you don’t, there will be many. Just know that he isn’t you and she isn’t you. You are you and you’ll slowly discover that it’s the only person that should matter. And until you accept yourself fully; then, and only then, can you let anyone else in.