Be an instrument

Emotions become me. The misery runs right through my veins and all I know how to do is cry, or maybe sing with all my heart. Then, the joy is a burst of emotions and I have to run and jump and scream; whatever I can to get by.

I can no longer become the feelings of the song that’s playing in my head. The verse of the poem runs through me like an endless river and I must let go of its enchanting waters.

I want to tell a story and no longer struggle with mine. My story is messy, complicated, unknown, unpredictable and a bit of an unorganized puzzle. I must let it be. Simply let the pieces come together naturally.

Everything has been put on hold because of the incessant need to feel. Not only through myself but also through the people I see and become what they feel. The places have used up my ability to express their welcoming warmth or absolute rejection. They take over me and it seems unbearable at times.

All the faces that smile and cry have used me to express their different shades of emotion. My friends and their problems have become mine and are bottled in a chamber of secrets I can no longer keep alive. I can no longer become you, him or her.

It’s time to become an instrument of what’s inside of me and transform it into different shapes and colors for others to see, feel and interpret. The stories must and always should be bigger than us. I cannot remain here, silent with everything to say. Not truly understanding but knowing their lessons within their insanity.

I will take what I have and create. I will not let the overflow of the river become me. It’s time to say thank you for the trust and become an instrument of it all and no longer b everything that keeps happening to me. It’s time to release what has been held hostage.

It’s that time to let go. It’s time to know that it’s not about what has happened to me but what I do with it and make it into something that could be very helpful for someone else. It’s that time to let it flow through me, into you; from where it begins, passing through me, out of me and hopefully into and out of you as well.

If you have the courage to create, know that it’s crucial to be an instrument for whatever message you know in your heart you have to share. There’s nothing to fear and know that nothing is worse than keeping it selfishly inside.

Spaces in between

I’m filling spaces that are empty. I’m truly trying to change my ways. When you rid yourself of what doesn’t serve you or when it’s taken care for you and certain things vanish, space is left.

It used to be a mourning of what was lost, what was taken, but it should have been a celebration.

The spaces are supposed to be there, they were created for a reason, maybe even on purpose.

I’m learning how to enjoy the spaces in between the learning and the living. This is not a lesson, simply a feeling; a necessity for space and a break. Living and feeling the way I do almost requires it.

It was easy to feel victimized when so many things didn’t work out the way I expected them to. I don’t know when or how I became entitled. We have no right to demand anything from life. All we can do with it is play our part the best way we can, enjoy the spaces in between roles and be grateful for the rest.

I am utterly tired of thinking anything or anyone should be better. I’m tired of being disappointed. I’m tired of having a lot of space between what is and what I think it should be.

All I can do is try, have faith and be happy.

I’m done fighting whatever is not there. If I fight, it’ll be for the right reasons and only if it’s truly necessary. I’m always caught in the middle and in between worlds and all I need is space and clarity to do what is right. Hopefully I’ll end up where I’m supposed to and know it all had a purpose; the good, the bad and all those tiny little spaces in between. All those spaces of uncertainty.

Saying goodbye

A lot is gone. Much has been taken. I feel nothing, there’s nothing to do. There’s nothing to feel. It has all been taken, piece by piece. I feel paralyzed. Being paralyzed isn’t as bad as you’d think. My heart has left me alone. It still tries to sneak in, but it has been mostly peaceful. I’m standing here in the middle of nowhere with an angel that whispers encouraging wisdom and a bit of a broken soul. I feel calm, I feel tired. I still have a lot to do and I just don’t know how or where to start. When so much vanishes and you still manage to survive, you realize you don’t need much to begin with.

I want to say goodbye. Goodbye not only to the friends I’ve lost but the pain I’ve allowed them to cause. Goodbye not only to the work but to the disappointment I allowed it to provide. I’m saying goodbye to the love I never got but thought I deserved. I want to say goodbye, not in a dramatic way but in the most honest way I can possibly say goodbye.

I must part ways with the feelings of inadequacy. I must say goodbye. I have had lovely moments, I have had a lot. I cannot continue being close with anything or anyone that makes me feel unhappy. I have a hard time honoring this beautiful mess but I must. Whenever you feel unpleasantness for being yourself or for moments from the past, try to honor them as if you’d choose them all over again.

I have to say goodbye to how I used to think. I have to say goodbye to frustration and emptiness. It has been quite loyal but we must part ways. I must embrace uncertainty and fearlessness.

I’m saying goodbye to a job and a city that I really liked. But I’m also saying goodbye to any form of attachment I ever had to it. If we get attached, we suffer. If I ask myself, why me? Then I’m saying that what is happening is bad and I have no right to do that. We have no right to do that, not anymore.

I’m saying goodbye to the pain, the attachment, the suffering, the expectations, my age, hopelessness, doubt, disbelief, comparison, emptiness, insecurities and much more.

I cannot continue asking myself what is right or wrong. I simply want to let things be and let go of whatever isn’t mine. Yes, it’s a tough goal but I can do it. I will work on whatever I can control and let go of what weighs me down. Saying goodbye shouldn’t be hard, it should simply be a part of life that we should embrace as much as we can.

Goodbye.