This is the end 

Hold your breath and count to 10…

What happens at 11? Why didn’t they tell us about 11. You give up and it’s over but then it’s not. You’re in a hole under the ocean, it’s the end except it was just not. 

When will I get tired of my own bullshit? When will enough be enough? How long will I wait to live the life I’ve always wanted?! 

I don’t know. I don’t know how much I can take of this mediocrity. Wake up! Wake up! Wake up! Do something! 

I don’t know what to do. My terrible habits are trying to kill me. My disregard for the future has finally appeared itself in the future and I don’t see much of what I wanted. I didn’t work hard, I didn’t stick to anything. Now I’m lost and with a feeling of doom. 

I’m really hoping this will have a happy ending but I’m sensing it’d be too far fetched. 

This is the end. Hold your breath and count to 10. Then count to 11 and picture yourself doing yoga. If you don’t have a happy place in reality, go to a happy place in whatever world you can create. I’m struggling with it. 

My imagination is shut because I’m feeling hopeless. My dreams seem to have vanished and my talent mostly goes unnoticed. I dream but I don’t do. I dream but I don’t do! As I don’t do, I age.

It’s here, the end. I feel like I have enough reasons to give up and yet! Life finds a way to keep me going. My mom, my nephew, Martin, love sometimes but not me. I’m gaining weight and having the hardest time loving me; but I’m working on it. 

I hope to return on a happier day when it’s not the end.

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Happy endings 

The story starts, continues and doesn’t end. Will it be a comedy or a tragedy? Stay tuned.

She doesn’t seem to care enough about her happy ending but more and more about the present moment. 

Will she be the hero of her story? Will she stay? Will she go? She makes it up as she goes along. She’s gone too long not knowing that she doesn’t know any other way. 

Yes, she had dreams and wants to make them come true but suffering seems a high price to pay.

Peace and joy should be the happy ending. When did we get confused? Disney had a big part of it. You’re suppose to live in a castle: luxury. Find Prince Charming: the perfect relationship. Be the fairest one of them all: flawless beauty. And be loved by the whole land: be what everyone else expects you to be. 

I think the story needs some mending and a better happy ending. It’s hard to not want what we were programmed to want. And there are things I don’t have that I desire which I hope to get. But I want to learn to be OK even when things aren’t OK. Mother has done this, so can I. 

Create your happy ending and ask yourself whether what you want is true or if it’s just been chosen for you. Question it.

For me, now, peace and joy in the present moment is my happy ending and I hope I continue to make it so on a daily basis.

Written in the stars

It was a wondrous day. She woke up and something happened.

It was a normal day. She woke up and nothing happened.

What fills our days with wonder? We do.

I have a wondrous mother. She wakes up and smiles. She’s been through thick and thin and still decides to look at the good. She’s a good witch.

I’m a combination between a good and bad witch. I have a bundle of emotions inside of me battling on a daily basis. My biggest enemy is inaction. I know I’m meant to be doing something great and I’m still a bit stuck. It’s OK. This is my magic. My magic is expressing myself; even if only one person reads, that’s my magic. I also sing. I also paint. I have colors and shapes trying to make their way out of my being. I apologize to those things for not having more time and discipline to let them out. I’m sorry I haven’t had more people listen. I swear I will keep trying if it kills me.

I am an artist. Saying that is hard. Who decided what you are? I guess it’s just what you want to do even if they don’t pay you. No one pays me to do this and here I am.

I have potions that make me be understanding and I am. I feel what the person next to me feels. I always have a sense that I’m in the wrong song but I sorta keep calm and carry on. There’s no room for everyone to be someone in this world but there is room for me because, once again, I am here. We are human beings; not human doings. When did we forget that? I always forget and if I’m not doing anything I feel guilty. Enjoying and living and pushing through is sometimes enough.

It’s either written in the stars or it’s not. You either do something or do nothing. You write your story on a daily basis and you decide what you do with it. I certainly want to do much more with it and all I truly want deep inside is to make my mom proud.

Follow your star and if you haven’t found it yet, write it.

Say yes

She came, she conquered, she inspired. She believed in something and it became more than what she could have ever imagined. She worked hard and found something she loved. Sometimes the smallest things can inspire you to do more and be more. This is exactly what I want to do. I still haven’t found it. But day by day I feel closer to finding what it is I’m supposed to be doing. I must fight and push through and believe that it can and will happen.

Things are looking up and fear has tried to cripple in but I won’t let it. I want to say yes. Yes to life. Yes to love. Yes to finding and doing what I am passionate about. I will start with one single step and I’ll try to kick my own ass. I’m already getting fit, eating healthy and that in itself is a step in the right direction. I’m 32 and many times think it’s too late but that’s a complete waste of time. Whatever time I have left is time I have to get moving and become one of those kick as chicks I so much admire.

My life is anything but a straight line and it’s not figured out but that’s OK. So long as I keep going and believe that it can still happen it will, then it will. You have to be inside of life for it to find you. Inspiration has to find you working. Sophia Amoruso is a true inspiration. What I love about her story is that struggle shows up and she kicks its ass and moves on. I admire that beyond words. I will become a #GIRLBOSS if it kills me. Coming soon…

Fall to fly

She came. She left. It was made and undone.

There are no rules, there are no cages but she’s not free.

Freedom is subjective.

Are we free when we cannot liberate ourselves?

Shall we try to fly when we’ve forgotten about our wings? 

Yes. We must fall and rise or we will never learn. Stubborn souls need to be obedient, need a guide.

I’ve ran around in circles with my freedom. I must obey yellow. I must connect.

Fly and fall. Learn. Grow. Be.

Choose the words you think, choose the words you say. Be more in control and it will truly set you free.

Fly little bird, fly. Even if you fall.

I don’t know much, except what I’ve felt. I’ve decided based on emotion and when I cannot remember why, I regret it. But when I do remember and I have a glimpse of clarity, I smile. 

I smile because I’ve gotten to chase happiness. And now I must be reminded that it’s sleeping inside me. Sleeping beauty must wake up and smell the roses. She must live and fly and fall and keep trying until one lucky day the wings will come out and she’ll fly. 

I have fallen but I must remember to keep jumping and fall until I finally fly. Because if I stop jumping, how could I ever fly? 

The battle 

Me: I hear you heart and please stop. I feel you and you hurt. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I haven’t been brave enough to pursue my dreams. I’m sorry failure has left me paralyzed. I’m sorry I couldn’t make better choices. Please forgive me, please stop. 

Heart: I forgive you completely but why are you giving up? I’m still beating and you know what that means? It’s not over. You can still pursue your dreams. Even if it’s more difficult, even if you feel you can’t do it again. If I’m still beating, then you can. So I know I’m broken and that makes it harder for you to carry on. I’m working on that. But even if we hurt, I know you can push through the pain and do what we love. Keep pushing, keep trying. And when you can’t and you don’t; that’s ok. But just try to picture what it’ll feel like when you’re successful and making a difference, when you’re fulfilling your calling; when you’re helping others. I know you hear and feel me; there’s a reason for that. Don’t ignore me. If anything, acknowledge me and talk to me; just don’t be indifferent to my desires. They are real and they are beautiful and they are authentic and can give you what you want. Do not let fear get in the way. He is someone you definitely shouldn’t listen to. And the details in between such as jobs, money, what others think, do not matter; not even a little. What people who love you say matters, what I say matters, when you see your greatness, that matters. Focus on what matters and don’t care about unimportant endeavors. They’re just there on the wall, they’re not the main performance. You know what it is; stop forgetting. And don’t silence me. At least hear me And give me a voice! I’m here for you to listen; for you to feel alive. Thank you. xx

Broken dreams 

It decided to be born by accident. It wasn’t planned. It started with a desire and died as an idea. Once upon another time the voice lived. It still lives in a dream and doesn’t know how to become real. Its creator is struggling with the living. And so it patiently waits to be brought forth. 
The closest it got to becoming was in a small town full of broken souls. Everyone was lost enough so that the dream hostess did not care enough about the judgment and just sang.
Life got in the way, as it usually did, and the almost dream got lost once more. It’s been silent for yet another year. In the shelf it remains. 
It’s a broken dream, it’s many broken dreams. Where do they go? The desire to make them happen isn’t always enough and they become passive. They remain in a world created by wandering souls. 
It’s a day when the dream remains lost but not forgotten. It will be waiting to come forth until the desire dies or burns brighter. I wait for the day where the voice can scream and be heard. I’ve been silent all these years and silence is an interesting teacher. I’m trying to learn and hold the desire in my heart. 
And to those dreamers that feel like giving up, don’t. Even if you want to and think you should, don’t. I have nothing else to say except: don’t. 

You, him, her

I want to be you. I like your hair and the way you move through the room. I want to be a mermaid. They swim around unworried about life. They’re always pretty and can go as deep as they please. I want to be you. You have beautiful, long blonde hair and everybody wants to touch it. I want your voice. You sing like an angel and can create melodies that make special souls stop and listen.

I want to be him. He always knows what he wants to do with his life and has more than enough extra cash in his pocket. I can’t seem to find those 25 bucks I keep losing somehow. I love the way he falls in love, uninterrupted. I like how his eyes stare when it’s inevitable to do so.

I want to be her. She’s one of those girls that always knew how to be fabulous and unapologetic. She’s poised and possesses a youthful wisdom that is as rare as a white butterfly flying through the sky and saying hello at random but perfect times. She keeps her skin sun kissed and soft. She smiles because she’s happy and I become her. She is inspiration.

I’m you, I’m him, I’m her. And most importantly I’m me. I don’t know when we got lost along the way and forgot that we get to be anybody. They cage us telling us that we’re only one person; that we can only do one thing. Nothing could be further from the truth. We’re too complex to simply be one single thing. If you can see more than one color, become the rainbow. Don’t allow anyone to cage you…not even those that love you. You get to be whoever you are; whatever your eyes get to see. You become what your endless imagination allows you to become. The people in your life are a part of that, but they are not it. You are it and only you. Society tries to cage us but we are the ones that say yes or no to that very limiting belief.

I’ve flown away from the cage and I can honestly say you can have the best of all worlds. You can enjoy earthly pleasures and still be a free bird. Your definition of freedom might change along the way and that’s a part of that liberty. Simply become whomever you want to be. And if you can’t own it, pretend. And if you can’t be it, fake it. Then, suddenly, almost out of nowhere you’ll wake up to find you are exactly who you want to be. It won’t be perfect but it’ll be the most glorious experience. And when that day comes, you’ll smile and all that will be left is sheer joy and an endless amount of gratitude. The only two emotions you want to feel when freedom has knocked on your door.

Be anyone, be anything, be.

Find Never Land

Time is an illusion and Never Land is a place far away that some people have traveled to and many strive to go to. You would think that it’s packed with people cruising around the illusion and the dream but unfortunately only true purple people get to go. There are no short cuts to get there. It takes time, speaking up when you’re suppose to, not caring about the aliens that try to invade your privacy, etc. You also have to go through a lot of questioning. Questioning what you learn, what they tell you to do and almost everything to become purple. You basically have to realize that everything is upside down.

Another important part to find this place is taking the time to observe people’s true color. It becomes easier with practice and then you find purple people such as yourself that are also looking for this place but then you realize that the fact that you find other purple people makes this place look like Never Land. The reason why it’s called Never Land is because you may never know exactly what it looks like but then you also realize that you never needed to know. Once you make the decision, all the wonder starts and you get to see what heaven on earth looks like. There are many tunnels or instant passageways that take you to Never Land. It is different for every person. Some people are born knowing how to get there and they know what it takes and what they have to sacrifice. They know it’s not an option to give up on the journey since they raised their hand for the assignment. They know that it’s worth it. But then for some of us it takes a bit of time to realize we’re purple. And for many others it may even take a lifetime and even then, it’s not too late.

I’d like to encourage people to become purple or whatever color works for them, so they get to go to this marvelous place. Go through whatever you have to go through, even if it sometimes hurts. Whether it’s being different, experiencing a loss of a sort, dreaming big or being in the wrong song. This is what makes you and the more you make peace with your past, the easier the present moment becomes. And when you start to enjoy the moment, you’re in.

When I found Never Land, or more like created it, I don’t know how I did without it. It’s so peaceful, unique and windy that it makes me never want to leave. It has crystal clear water, I get to choose the weather and music plays without it having to stop. It is very colorful and time doesn’t matter. I get to compose, read, write and fall in love all the time in this wonderful place. Beauty is beyond words and people’s souls shine through like a ray of light. I sing and everyone can listen; I am constantly inspired and full of ideas when I travel to this place. Instead of sand you find gold dust and the sky is enchanted with clouds that have been painted personally for me. The trees grow as fast as sound and you never have to worry about anything ever again. This is how I feel when I go there. And sometimes I get to play with Red and she whispers beautiful stories into my subconscious.

Find your Never Land and you’ll never want to leave. I know I won’t.

What’s left

I can’t stop dreaming sometimes. My day dreams are so real sometimes that I forget it’s a dream for a second. There’s a split of a second where I’m there and when I realize I’m really not…I STRUGGLE. It is so wonderful that realizing I’m not really there is like falling from a CLOUD. Sometimes I cannot channel this disappointment and I get frustrated.

But this bruised soul will be REBORN and START from scratch. Let’s see what I can do with the pieces and the time that’s left. Let’s see what happens with the bruises and the imperfections. I just hope that I get to taste the stage. I have savored it so many times in my head that I just want to know what it tastes for real. I play so hard my invisible piano sometimes that my ARM starts to hurt. I don’t want to be a VICTIM. If I did that, I would be no better than the rest. Yes, I completely screwed up by taking years to figure out what I already knew. Yes, I was lazy and did not discipline myself to do what I love. But it’s time to MEND my broken spirit. I wish I could know what will happen and how it will happen, but it would be no fun that way. Sometimes mending what’s bruised ends up being the greatest gift. It doesn’t hurt as much anymore. I resisted life and now I let it be.

I need music, I need words, I need passion and I need love. I’ll work on being happy and going with the flow of life and what will be left will be what shines through.

Can I go back in time? No. So let’s see what I can do with what is left of me. I have a feeling it’s beautiful and it’s BRIGHT.