Just give

I demanded love. I expected it. I thought I deserved it. I do but being entitled is never fair. Not only does it keep good things away, it hurts you. I grew up being very self centered, I still am. But now I want to reach another level. I want to give; I want authentic happiness. I want to be better, I truly do.

After many disappointments, I was contemplating giving up. Then I realized that it’s just as selfish as thinking I should have more than what I do. I want you and when you don’t, I get angry. Then, I convince myself that I don’t want you anymore and become cynical and insecure. I question life. I no longer want to play games, not with you or myself.

I was reminded today of the importance of giving. Not in an obvious way though. The voice has been telling me to work on my art and work on my purpose, on what I love. I have been resisting it because of how I feel. Am I happy enough? Am I good enough? Can I succeed? The problem, once again, became the I. It doesn’t matter if I feel completely ready, willing or confident. What matters is how many people I can reach, how many people I can help, how many people’s pain I can ease, how many people I could even inspire. I write because I want to give. I sing because I want to give, I want to connect. I teach because I want to give and I love because I want to give everything inside of me.

It is crucial to remember the difference between doing what we stubbornly want and what is right. Today I want it to be the last bad day and it can be. It can be because it should never really be just about me. It should be about you, about us and about the stories we can tell, the difference we can make. It’s illogical to think as small when life is endless.

We’re all in this together. We do hurt each other and we’re flawed but if we believe in ourselves as a whole, there is hope. If we find a way to just give and not expect anything in return, we’re saved. The big picture creates a much more beautiful image than a single one can.

This is, unfortunately, easy to forget. But it is impossible to get rid of. We were born to bond and if we sometimes feel we can’t do it for ourselves, then do it for someone else…even if it’s someone you don’t know. It becomes grander and selfless. We get to see and feel life from a higher angle. Give as much as you can and know that it’s the one thing you won’t ever regret.

Stick together

I have been selfish in the past, sometimes I still am. Today is my one-year anniversary of living in a beautiful, well-preserved Spanish Baroque influenced city in the Central America. All I can feel is gratitude. It has given me the opportunity to come back to life. It might not be perfect, but it’s magical and full of opportunities.

I have fallen in love, fallen in lust, gotten jobs, had my heart horribly broken, lost weight, enjoyed the company of authentic friends, taught, celebrated, laughed and cried. It has been fantastic and yet challenging. But I have learned to live life. I have learned to be happy with what I have. I have found the way to do what feels right and almost completely let go of everything else. I have understood how to care but not suffer.

And I have come to understand that if you can’t do it for yourself, you should do it for another. Do it to help them out someday. Do it so that they don’t give up in whatever odd path they find themselves in. You have no idea how much it’ll mean. I sometimes wonder what went wrong and if I could have done something differently but then I remember there’s nothing to regret and that I’m never really alone. We’re all in this together. I get a feeling that someone is going through the exact same situation and then I share and feel better.

Without directly knowing how, I know the struggle and the fight will be well worth it. I’m grateful for what I’ve lived through, for the wonderful people I’ve met and the sights and sounds that have pulled me back here another year.

Because of it, I am inspired to keep writing, to keep believing and know that whatever is meant to be, will be. I believe that more than ever. It’s hard to let go, but whatever is yours, no one else can have. So, when it comes to choosing passion; do it for you and do it for another. This living thing makes more sense if we stick together. The consequence of that choice for me has been peace. And peace is the greatest thing I’ve ever experienced. If you know you’re not alone, you’ll realize there’s nothing to worry about and that there’s nothing to lose.