Fooled

The more I know, the more I open my eyes and realize how fooled I have been. It’s almost as though everything I thought I wanted was just an illusion and I can’t remember where it began. I can’t believe how surreal this is. My mind has been playing tricks on me and I have finally called its bluff.

Now I know why. Why I went through the struggle, why people act the way they do, why they can’t see what I see and why I am where I am at this point in the scenario usually called life. I can see why I am me and how it has all found a way to unfold itself the way it has. And even without knowing why it all happened, I’m done being fooled. A love fool, a life fool. My heart has multiplied itself so that I can keep giving it away wholeheartedly. I would love nothing more but to be able to say that it won’t mend itself for me to give it away all over again, but it will and I will. I hope my heart can find a way to forgive my recklessness.

It has been building up. You cannot know how far you can go unless you’re pushed to the limit. I had been pushed to the limit and learned about half of what I could have. I have been thrown off the edge and decided I’d learn about seventy percent of the lesson it held within its painful awakening. And now it came back again and I’m determined to learn its lesson entirely. I know now that a lesson unlearned keeps coming back to haunt you. It presents itself in different forms. Every time the unexpected happens, it’s here to teach you…but only if you’re willing to learn.

I will never strive for perfection because there is no such thing…not amongst the living. Society used to be a pair of crutches that held me up when I couldn’t get up on my own. The crutches can be a curse because you get accommodated and play it safe. It pushes you to be like the rest, to be adequate. And anybody who knows me knows that adequate is just not my favorite color.

Choosing not to open your eyes is dying in the midst of the living. Why then are we amongst these dead souls that can’t find the path of truth? They seem to be fooled into living lives they care nothing about. It’s not our job to know; it is our job to live as fully as our hearts allow us to, to be the unique souls we were meant to be and hope that it will inspire and help people do the same. I have decided to be fooled by no one, not even by myself. The concepts I had decided to believe were untrue and painful. This time I know better, this time I cannot be fooled because the ideas I’ve adopted have finally set me free to choose what is right.

Changing faces

You fell in love with a face and cannot forget the eyes with which he saw you, the mouth with which you were deeply kissed. You cannot get over the hair you stroked whenever you desired to do so, the smile containing the perfectly aligned teeth. You cannot get over that face. But now I realize how faces change. We hold on to faces but it’s not right. We do not fall in love with the face; we fall in love with the soul. It takes a while to forget the face and maybe we never really do. But then another face comes along and you’re able to love it even more so. It’s because the soul moved into another face. For now, it’s the black hair and brown eyes I cling to, it used to be blonde and blue eyes. And maybe soon enough it’ll be brown and grey eyes. The faces change and that’s why we should not hold on to them. They’re as constant as change itself. We just have to wait and the waiting is the hardest.

We hold on to faces because the soul hasn’t found its way into another one yet, a face we feel is worth loving. But don’t worry if you have to let go, it’s just a face. As you can see, there are many. Similar souls are harder to come by but they do come by, especially if you believe it. Whilst I write this, I remind myself. Let go of the changing faces. If this face isn’t here, let it go. If this face isn’t right, let it go, you cannot go against what is.

Yes, the moments are hard to let go of because it is one single face that is stuck in our mind. We cannot even conceive of the notion that there will be another. But just remember it’s not the face, it’s the soul and soon enough it’ll inhabit a different body, a different face. So don’t worry about the face, it’ll change and the next one might just be that right soul that will stay and that should make your beautiful face smile.

Immune

I’m awake and the bathroom is tiny, I can barely fit. I close my eyes and focus, then I open them again and I’m in a beautiful luxurious bathroom where the tiles smile at me and its message relaxes your every sense.

The next moment he’s here, just being with me. Even without knowing what to do, he’s here and pretty good at liking me, maybe even loving me. Then the moment after that, he’s completely gone, a ghost almost. Was he ever here? Did he exist? He has vanished.

I wake up and it is beautiful and everything makes sense. I go to bed and wake up the next day and it was all taken away, driven away like the snow. Today I’m in love, tomorrow I’m heartbroken; it doesn’t matter.

Immunity is what I really crave. I want to be able to be happy with or without you. I want utter joy no matter where I am in this world, no matter what is happening. I want to feel detached from the results. I want to be and be happy at that. Life is too changing to place happiness on its moods, on its drifting winds.

In my dream I am immune. I wake up and have it all and that makes me smile. The next day I wake up and don’t have it all anymore but I’m still happy and I can still smile. I am immune to desire. The needing isn’t a requirement for happiness.

Today I woke up to this message and I encountered a wish worth making; A wish that could actually bring permanence, a wish that would make me immune to suffering. The funny thing is, that wish can be a reality if I work hard enough to use my thoughts in my advantage. We choose what we’re immune to, we choose how to live. We choose how attached or detached we can be from what is touchable.

I know how much easier it is said than done, but it’s still reachable and possible. I know the next choice I make will determine what I’m immune to. And today I open my eyes and no matter what surrounds me, I’m happy. I am happy because I can be. I am happy because I am immune to anything that can take away something as precious as joy.

100 Days

It’s been one hundred days that I’ve been able to share. Without knowing who would read, I shared. This is a good reflection of life. Sometimes we create without knowing who will listen, who will come, who will care. I’m at a point in my life where I simply need to create. I do not know how it will unfold, but I must do it. I must take this untraveled road. The unconventional path seems to find me wherever I go. It has caused pain, but it has caused great joy. Most people my age seem to have figured it out somehow but that’s fine. I am me and I do feel there’s something I have to say, that I have a purpose in this world.

Thank you for existing. Thank you for reading. If it wasn’t for people like you, life wouldn’t be as colorful. I love living in a time where I can communicate with anyone, anywhere. Yes, I do believe technology has separated us all but on days like today, it brings me closer. I feel closer to helping, even if it’s only one soul.

Success means different things to different people. The most successful human being I know is my mother. She is dressed in happiness, no matter what. It’s easy to get swept away by anything that is not sheer joy. But then I look at her and realize there isn’t that much more. Yes, there seems to be a lot to accomplish, a lot to hold, but there isn’t much to be but happy. If we find a way to be happy no matter what is happening, I believe a life is saved.

I crave love, my soul weeps for it at times (as I’m sure you can tell from my many posts). But in spite of all the wanting, being happy gets me closer to my heart’s desires somehow. I believe it shouldn’t be that hard. It isn’t. But first we must strip ourselves from all the wrongful thinking we’ve been taught by society, people and experiences. We have to believe and know that happiness wasn’t created to be pursued, but to be had. Words are easier but actions follow. And if you feel like you can’t, just act as if and soon enough it’ll be a habit and you might have just saved your own life. I know that’s what I want. And that’s why I love it here. I not only get to share, but also discover what’s been inside all along: a beautiful and unique voice that has a lot to say. Thank you for breaking the silence, thank you for reading.

Missing

I saw you in my dream last night. My brain is trying to tell me that I’m supposed to miss you but I don’t. Maybe I do but I’m convinced that I don’t. After leaving many places and faces, having them miss me and express to me how missed I am makes me smile. You haven’t once told me you missed me and that forces me not to miss you. I can’t miss you, I won’t.

When you miss someone, you should let him or her know. When something means a lot to you, you should recognize its hole. I recognized how much I missed you and you still couldn’t, you didn’t. I’m at the point in my life where so much has happened; I simply cannot miss what isn’t there. I know the mistakes I’ve made, I know how dramatic I can be, I know how lost I seem to be. But I also know that what is missed isn’t you, it can’t be.

I don’t believe it should be this hard. I don’t believe it should be that confusing. When the heart is involved, it’s a no brainer. I was wired in a very unconventional way. I do not like the way this world works. I miss a world I was never a part of. I miss not caring and not having to prove myself. And then I realize I create this world. If I miss living in an unconventional way, then it’s time to stop missing it and just create it for myself. Who’s to say I can’t?

I’ve stopped missing you because in this beautiful perfect world I create, there’s no missing, there’s just living. If you left, you’re not worth missing. If you choose logic over passion, missing you is wasting youthful minutes of my precious time. The brain gets in the way and you still crash my dreams sometimes but that does not mean that I miss you. I know this because it’s my choice. I choose who to miss and who not to miss.

There’s nothing missing because there’s just so much. I don’t seem to have much to show for myself but then I turn around and realize I have everything to give. Everything is there for me to use and create my world. Now I’m ready and today I’m missing no one, I’m missing nothing.