Happy endings 

The story starts, continues and doesn’t end. Will it be a comedy or a tragedy? Stay tuned.

She doesn’t seem to care enough about her happy ending but more and more about the present moment. 

Will she be the hero of her story? Will she stay? Will she go? She makes it up as she goes along. She’s gone too long not knowing that she doesn’t know any other way. 

Yes, she had dreams and wants to make them come true but suffering seems a high price to pay.

Peace and joy should be the happy ending. When did we get confused? Disney had a big part of it. You’re suppose to live in a castle: luxury. Find Prince Charming: the perfect relationship. Be the fairest one of them all: flawless beauty. And be loved by the whole land: be what everyone else expects you to be. 

I think the story needs some mending and a better happy ending. It’s hard to not want what we were programmed to want. And there are things I don’t have that I desire which I hope to get. But I want to learn to be OK even when things aren’t OK. Mother has done this, so can I. 

Create your happy ending and ask yourself whether what you want is true or if it’s just been chosen for you. Question it.

For me, now, peace and joy in the present moment is my happy ending and I hope I continue to make it so on a daily basis.

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I am crashing 

I’m stuck in a pattern. Has this ever happened to you? You realize the same thing happens once and again. What am I suppose to learn universe? Please tell me and I’ll read up. I’m lost. I must confess I’m lazy. I don’t believe in doing anything for money. I refuse to sell my soul. I thought energy was the most important currency; it is. But money’s power cripples in and leaves me speechless. 

I’m falling down without a sign of a parachute. It’s not that bad. I enjoy the wind and the words that pop into my head while I fall. There are things that keep me from crashing into the ground. 

I am crashing and falling down but I’m wishing and hoping to create the tools to make a hole in the ground that will take me to Wonderland through the rabbit hole. I don’t want to crawl up the building that leads to the boring office, I wanna find my way to Wonderland. Please show me the way universe; please shed the yellow light. I need it. 

I am crashing down but maybe it’s just what’s suppose to happen; at least that’s what I need to believe. Go on gravity, bring it. I won’t fight you, I’ll come crashing and it’ll be epic.

Beating through 

So many things bring us down. So many things kick us down. Yes. Life gets tiring and I have always let it beat me. It finds an excuse not to work hard. 

I’m trying to slowly and steadily take care of myself. It all starts there. Your skin, your body, your fuel, your teeth, your ideas. Simple things that are diamonds! We should take care of our diamonds because they are our instrument. 

The guy hurt you; a parent disappointed you; your friends betrayed you, you put yourself down. And suddenly, that’s enough to not care and give up. Terrible. That shouldn’t be and I can finally see it clearly. 

It’s time. Work out even if you’re tired. Wash your face even if you wanna go to bed. Eat healthy even if you’re craving those fries. It’s not worth it! Instant gratification is not worth it. It doesn’t make you happy in the end. I learned that the hard way. I’ve experienced it.

As I’m writing this, I realize how hard it is. And yes, it is really really hard. That’s why we don’t do it. Discipline takes work and energy but the payoff is huge. 

So yes, I’m utterly beat but I’m willing to finally push through and take myself to the limit. I’m willing to write more just for the sake of writing. I’m willing; are you?

Daydreams

I woke up and decided that today I’ll skydive. I get there and there are some skydiver friends. I decide to be brave and just do it. The guys are really nice and supportive. I do some cool stuff up in the air and everyone, including myself, is impressed.

The next day I’m at Burning Man and I’m super fit and have the perfect weird clothes I’m suppose to parade around. Fashion is life. I walk around and I’m friends with all. There is peace and joy in my heart. 

The next day I decide I want to sing. I gather a group of people and I sing. A local radio station owner hears me and asks if I’d like to be on one of his shows; I gladly accept. 

I’m a painter and I start to put my work out there. My paintings get sold fairly easily and I am over the moon and cannot believe this is happening to me!

In my free time I enjoy taking photos. I go out with my semi professional camera and take mesmerizing pictures. Some of them make it into cool websites and people really love them; I do too. 

The next day I decide it’s time. I’m going to publish my book and it’s gonna help so many people that the word gets out and Ellen Degeneres finds out about it and invites me to her show. I’m psyched but mostly extremely happy to be making a difference through my art. 

I daydream these stories daily. I wish and I hope and reality still does not compare. I do paint, I do have a book, I do take photos with my semi professional camera and I do sing. But why can’t I put myself out there? I don’t know. 

Daydreams keep me alive and I long for the day when my daydreams and real life become one. I swear my heart is in the right place and I will continue to improve my energy so that I attract opportunities to shine and do what I was put here to do: art.

The battle 

Me: I hear you heart and please stop. I feel you and you hurt. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I haven’t been brave enough to pursue my dreams. I’m sorry failure has left me paralyzed. I’m sorry I couldn’t make better choices. Please forgive me, please stop. 

Heart: I forgive you completely but why are you giving up? I’m still beating and you know what that means? It’s not over. You can still pursue your dreams. Even if it’s more difficult, even if you feel you can’t do it again. If I’m still beating, then you can. So I know I’m broken and that makes it harder for you to carry on. I’m working on that. But even if we hurt, I know you can push through the pain and do what we love. Keep pushing, keep trying. And when you can’t and you don’t; that’s ok. But just try to picture what it’ll feel like when you’re successful and making a difference, when you’re fulfilling your calling; when you’re helping others. I know you hear and feel me; there’s a reason for that. Don’t ignore me. If anything, acknowledge me and talk to me; just don’t be indifferent to my desires. They are real and they are beautiful and they are authentic and can give you what you want. Do not let fear get in the way. He is someone you definitely shouldn’t listen to. And the details in between such as jobs, money, what others think, do not matter; not even a little. What people who love you say matters, what I say matters, when you see your greatness, that matters. Focus on what matters and don’t care about unimportant endeavors. They’re just there on the wall, they’re not the main performance. You know what it is; stop forgetting. And don’t silence me. At least hear me And give me a voice! I’m here for you to listen; for you to feel alive. Thank you. xx

The thought of you

The thought of you is haunting. It crawls in and it won’t let go of me. The memories last because they’re deep. The feeling has a name but I haven’t found it yet. The thought changes its form and it always takes your place. The thought of you smiles at me and knows. It knows what I’m feeling and how deep it goes. It had waited to find me because my heart had to grow big enough to feel you. Logic tries to deny me the pleasure of going in; today I won’t let it.

Passion grows and it shape shifts into trees and moments and experiences that never seem to end. I’m underwater and I’m up in the air. I’m here and I’m there and I’m everywhere and all I can see and think is you. I close my eyes and the thought is felt by the touch of your hand and that very unique smile on your face you have when you see me. It reminds me how much you love me even when you’re not close enough to hold me. It whispers lullabies that sound sweet and soft. It sometimes screams and makes me feel alive. The thought of you also reminds me of the challenges and it kindly tells me that love isn’t the absence of hardship but the growth it inevitably brings. I smile knowing that the path is lived tighter and closer than before because of them. I found the thought of you in my head and it was chasing me. You sometimes take a hold of me and I let you because it feels amazing and inspiring. Your eyes are leaves. As a child I always wanted a leaf because it is perfect and beautiful and sheds green and light wherever it happens to be; your eyes do the same for me. They shed green and light and give me hope even when hopelessness is trying to bring me down.

The thought of you reminds me who I was and who I am. It reminds me how deep down inside I knew all along what was real and what wasn’t. I thought I was insane for wanting more and wanting it as soon as humanly possible. It turns out the thought of you was real way before I met you. Having faith felt impossible at times because having you was necessary; and even though you were very close, we were worlds apart. The difficulties and mistakes from the past had to be lived and made in order to be able to finally see you. I probably passed by you a thousand times but I just couldn’t see you. You say I’m the invisible woman because you weren’t ready to see me. I couldn’t see you either. Now I see you, I feel you and I think you. Now you’re here.

The future is always unknown but the present is given and is meant to be enjoyed and acknowledged. The thought of you today needed to be felt. The thought of you keeps going and loves the red and the raw and the passion. The thought of you makes me smile and makes me want to be completely and absolutely me. It teaches me about compassion and growth and it reminds me how love should be. It isn’t perfect, it’s magical.

In love

I’m in love. Just like that, it happened. Most of my posts were about this alluring energy that always escaped me. And then suddenly, just like the sun obviously rises every day, I was in love; madly so. How? I do not know. It just did. I hate to sound so generic but that’s exactly what it felt like.

His green eyes never looked so real; his smile never so white. It wasn’t at all what they tell you it is. It’s deeper. I won’t say better or worse because those adjectives should never be used to describe humans. It’s simply deeper, more complex.

The colors of the rainbow finally seem to make sense. You no longer question why red is on the outside, you’re fine because it simply is. Even when chaos surrounds, you want to smile. Life feels lighter and the days brighter. You can simply sit next to each other and have nothing bother you. I’m a recovering over-thinker and I never thought this could be so. I never thought I could just let it be.

Hearts aren’t as generic as you once thought they were. They are actually precious gems that must be protected at all costs and cherished constantly. You’re no longer reckless with what you say because there is a creature in your life that cares that actually listens to everything you say and how you say it. You no longer think that life is simply about the waiting. The waiting is indeed the hardest part about the living and in a blink of an eye, it becomes forgotten and almost nonexistent as soon as someone walks in the door and never lets you go.

You unexpectedly and slowly change. You remind yourself of the promises you made to yourself when you were single and honor them but always leaving room for change. If not, how could it bloom? It couldn’t. You think you’re tough until someone cuts you open and makes you face the softest sides of yourself. The sides you were trying to hide from because you were afraid of what you might find; only to find they were precisely the parts of yourself you needed to see the most.

Kisses become a regular part of your routine. Happiness becomes much more obvious and flowers seem to bloom in a much more natural way than they did before; they turn to the sun naturally.

You know and you remember who you used to be but you simply become a more beautiful version of yourself, you bloom. You feel understood, held and warm.

I’m in love. Just like that, it happened.

The point of it all

I’m reading a book about energy. How to keep it up and how to control it. I wish they would have taught this in school. I want to learn. Or better yet, unlearn.

Kids know it all. We know it all. We’re taught by those that do not know. They are trying to teach us how to be but nobody ever taught them. Some of them forgot; others never knew better. Maybe their parents knew. Maybe someday they’ll know.

Energy transforms our lives. Energy can save us from ourselves. When did we forget that the point of it all was to be happy? Yes, cars must be driven; food must be eaten; airplanes demand to be boarded. Places demand to be seen and money to be spent. But they should never become more important than our joy. When did we decide to pay that very high price? The price of peace. The price of joy. The price of life.

I’m not saying I’ve got this down. But at least I’m saying I want to. So many glorify the matrix we’ve created, we forget the point. Yes, the physical world can be touched but it’s only one dimension of life. I still don’t know any better. I catch myself craving more and more constantly. It’s almost as though it’s the ultimate test. A test I must pass if I truly want to be happy.

Children demand nothing, not at first. They simply are. They smile, they laugh, and only cry when they are actually in need. Remind yourself of that child. Remind yourself of your freedom. Improve your energy. No decisions can be made when you cannot see clearly. Unlearn the concepts that hold you back from being happy. Life might never be perfect but it can be perfectly enjoyed.

I want it all without falling into the trap of making it my only priority. I want to know better and be unapologetically joyful. Is that so much to ask? Happiness changes as much as we do, but if it’s connected to our energy, it can be stable. When we do not link our joy to things, we can maintain it for as long as we want.

It’s a complex concept to grasp but worth the try. If it makes you happy…it’s worth the shot. Results coming soon…

You, him, her

I want to be you. I like your hair and the way you move through the room. I want to be a mermaid. They swim around unworried about life. They’re always pretty and can go as deep as they please. I want to be you. You have beautiful, long blonde hair and everybody wants to touch it. I want your voice. You sing like an angel and can create melodies that make special souls stop and listen.

I want to be him. He always knows what he wants to do with his life and has more than enough extra cash in his pocket. I can’t seem to find those 25 bucks I keep losing somehow. I love the way he falls in love, uninterrupted. I like how his eyes stare when it’s inevitable to do so.

I want to be her. She’s one of those girls that always knew how to be fabulous and unapologetic. She’s poised and possesses a youthful wisdom that is as rare as a white butterfly flying through the sky and saying hello at random but perfect times. She keeps her skin sun kissed and soft. She smiles because she’s happy and I become her. She is inspiration.

I’m you, I’m him, I’m her. And most importantly I’m me. I don’t know when we got lost along the way and forgot that we get to be anybody. They cage us telling us that we’re only one person; that we can only do one thing. Nothing could be further from the truth. We’re too complex to simply be one single thing. If you can see more than one color, become the rainbow. Don’t allow anyone to cage you…not even those that love you. You get to be whoever you are; whatever your eyes get to see. You become what your endless imagination allows you to become. The people in your life are a part of that, but they are not it. You are it and only you. Society tries to cage us but we are the ones that say yes or no to that very limiting belief.

I’ve flown away from the cage and I can honestly say you can have the best of all worlds. You can enjoy earthly pleasures and still be a free bird. Your definition of freedom might change along the way and that’s a part of that liberty. Simply become whomever you want to be. And if you can’t own it, pretend. And if you can’t be it, fake it. Then, suddenly, almost out of nowhere you’ll wake up to find you are exactly who you want to be. It won’t be perfect but it’ll be the most glorious experience. And when that day comes, you’ll smile and all that will be left is sheer joy and an endless amount of gratitude. The only two emotions you want to feel when freedom has knocked on your door.

Be anyone, be anything, be.

Visibility

This is the first. This is the first time I can see him. He was there but I couldn’t see him. It turns out I was invisible. It turns out I couldn’t see myself. I realized I was invisible a few years back and started to freak out and started asking myself why. Instead of trying to become visible, I could not get over the fact that I was invisible. Maybe he was there but I couldn’t see him. I couldn’t see me.

It took me years to become visible. No one gave me the recipe. I was lonely in my invisibility. I did get to meet other invisible creatures and they were all quite interesting. Because I was invisible, I spent no time acquiring much. I don’t know how much faith I had in becoming visible. Not because I didn’t believe but because I became comfortable with not being seen. The hidden souls had an interesting pull. They listen to music that the visible can’t hear. They drink a lot of wine and talk about the pain all the time.

For an instant, I thought that was it. Except it wasn’t. I was forced to spend time with some visible creatures and as much as I tried to ignore them, they were screaming. They wanted me to come to life. Why? I wondered. They knew I wasn’t born to be hidden. They knew I could always cherish my invisibility powers but shine bright and rid myself of the fears.

I slowly started to show myself. It was a very slow process. It was a process that I wasn’t even aware was in progress. The transition was life changing. There were many losses, including parts of me. I lost touch with the invisible crowd. They kicked me out of their space when they realized what was happening. I didn’t even know it but they were starting to see me and that was breaking the cardinal rule.

I’ll never know where they are because I can’t easily see them anymore. They are gone. They will always have a special place in my heart and I remember their faces full of misery and false hope very vividly. I loved their music, their drama, their darkness.

And now it’s my first time. I get to see this beautiful green eyed creature and he is as alive as I am. Because I was formerly invisible and unaware of being so, it’s quite a fascinating experience. I am anything but one thing and he isn’t as complex but full of life and love; it’s mesmerizing. That’s the thing about the invisible ones; they have a certain kind of allure; but the visible ones are the allure. They are beautiful and unapologetic. They walk in and want to be seen.

I wasn’t sure if it’d be worth it to become visible; in certain ways it’s harder and more challenging. But then it happened and now I can’t wait to catch up. I want to do everything and go everywhere. I want to embrace life after I’ve slowly discovered myself and have walked into the light. I’m seen.

I’ll never judge the invisible ones. I’ll never judge the visible ones. I just think there’s a time and place for everything. Try not to waste too much time asking yourself why things are the way they are and work on figuring out how to become what you want to be deep inside. Choose your company accordingly.

Deep inside I wanted to be visible but couldn’t admit it. Now I am visible and the sights and sounds are positive and vibrant. I can’t believe I can see him as easily as he can see me. It’s yellow and it’s right. It’s obvious and it’s clear. It shouldn’t be confusing or negative. It should be beautiful and bright.