Escapee

It’s happening. This is real. Life is finally unfolding. By unfolding I do not mean it’s perfect, I mean it makes more sense. I’m getting to sing, to write, to photograph and witness people at their best. They are still human and flawed but that will never really change. I used to be in prison. Life was more about doing what I was told; I lived through it without being aware of what was actually happening. Now I am out and responsible for every single one of my minutes. The beauty in this freedom is indescribable but interestingly enough, a huge responsibility. Because I did not know of such freedom and bliss, I have overeaten, overslept, over partied and over everything. What would you do if you’ve just been released from prison? After a few months of such liberation, I’m searching for the perfect balance.

Because I am in love with my newfound freedom, I find myself going through the pictures in my head of what I have been able to witness after having escaped those closing walls from my past. I had no idea what I was missing out on. What is unfolding before me, tastes sweet and precious. Living it once just won’t do. I can spend hours going back to the moments I so much enjoy, the faces I get to meet. I cannot seem to get enough of this living life to the fullest situation; it’s intoxicating. The fear of having to go back to prison makes it dangerous and exciting. But even if the fear is strong, the urge to fly overpowers it. Playing it safe is the greatest risk after all.

Now I must find a way to enjoy but also be responsible, let go of the idea that I must figure it all out. I must learn moderation. Now that I am out, I realize the many programs that were forced on me in prison. I can honestly say I didn’t know how to think or be, only what I was told I should do. The only one good thing that I did learn was discipline. Because there was so much time to waste in there, to you had to be organized with your time in order to survive, you had to be in shape.

If you’re not out of your prison yet and feel locked in, get out. If you’re out, find your own bliss. No one person is the same from the other. Let’s run away and let’s breathe. Let’s live wildly and healthy. I do believe it’s possible to have it all. The happier you can become with yourself, the happier the people that walk into your life will be, the better the lessons will taste. If you resist the lessons, the more they will come back. The more you wallow about the past, the less you’ll live today.

I am moving towards trying to find the balance that I know will feed my soul. So long as I forgive myself for not having tried harder to escape, I’ll be able to build from it instead of holding it against me. I know that time was wasted but all I have is now. All I can do is learn, move on and soar.
Much of my time is spent simply enjoying the freedom. Those who were born free easily take it for granted and I know I never will. The prison is unforgettable but maybe, just maybe, it gave me one of the greatest gifts: the ability to appreciate true freedom. And that’s something I know not everyone gets to experience.

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That girl

She has convinced herself that she doesn’t need him. But on days like today, she misses him dearly. Maybe the programs in her head are winning. She should know better than this. Instead of writing about it, she should be focusing on becoming better but is not. Here she is feeling fragile, sorry for herself and in a loneliness she cannot get out of.

 Today I’m that girl. That girl that feels like she needs the guy; that girl that decides to go to the party just to see if he’ll be there. I’m that girl that only cares about having him hold her and wipe off all the tears that have been shed by all the heartaches. I’m the girl that is jealous of the guy that doesn’t even care about her. Yes, today I’m weak and unlike anyone I’d like to recognize.

 But so what? I feel like nowadays there is too much pressure to be a strong, independent amazing woman. Don’t get me wrong; I’m all about girl power. But sometimes we’re as sensitive as the softest lullaby. All we want is to be held and taken care of. We were created to be loved and pretending that it doesn’t matter seems unnatural and painful.

 It’s this moment that takes me to the future of when I’ll marry you and not be able to believe that you actually exist. I cry because the moment in my head is so touching and then I am pulled back to reality and it makes me terribly sad because you’re not yet here. And even worse, the fear of not finding you takes my breath away. I talk to an angel and she assures me you exist and will show up. I hope, I truly do.

 Yes, I’m that girl and I don’t know much but I know that all I can do is embrace it. Most friends have either settled or given up, I don’t want to do either. I don’t want to settle and I don’t want give up. I don’t know under which category I’ll fall. I’ll probably have to create my own category as usual. As cool as that sounds, it’s tiring. It’s exhausting to have to create your own world, your own love because the ones that already exist simply make no sense.

Today I am that girl that wishes it wasn’t so hard and that love would be as obvious as night and day. 

My tattoos

“Sights and Sounds pull me back down another year. I WAS HERE. I WAS HERE.” –Tori Amos

There was a time when the world made no sense to me. The world outside was never understood and barely accepted. Instead of living in it, I decided to create my own. I maybe met a couple of souls that understood and all we could do was drink wine and share our insides. Right then and there we poured ourselves out and decided to enjoy the silence. I’m the luckiest girl because the most special creatures reveal themselves to me and as soon as I see their beautiful ink, I tattoo them all over my body and never forget every single inch of their being. Yes, my memory can be cruel at times but in times like these, I love it. I remember every single one of you. Now it all makes a little more sense.

Here are my tattoos; An angel that gave me life and is a constant light no matter which path I find myself in; she is who I want to become; a childhood friend who is trustworthy of the key to every single one of my secrets; a twin who’s my exact opposite, he protects me from the evils of the world, as impossible as it seems. Wonderful Los Angeles creatures that helped me see beauty from within and to hear the voice that had been there all along. A Christian boy that saved me from myself; perfect timing we had. You gave me music, so much beauty. A make up artist that painted the world with watercolor hope; San Francisco girls that taught me about compassion. An unconventional chef that not only sweetens the world with her bluntness but also saves puppies. A communicator that loves love; a psychologist that quietly sneaked her wit into my world. An underwater creature that makes a difference and many teachers that have made life not only grammatically correct but also properly lived; a kick ass bartender with a lifetime of wise stories to tell. And the new souls that have shown me a strong scene and will make this one unforgettable, literally.

So yes, I have lived and fully. I have had spaces of loneliness and misunderstandings. I have finally fallen in love, if only for a second. I have felt the pain but I’ve felt the joy. I am the queen of trying and failing. I couldn’t, even if I begged, take any of it back. I have seen different angles of the same scenes and I love them all. It’s never truly what it seems. I like to change the looking glass often so I can taste every single color in the box. I haven’t physically moved as much but have changed my mind several times. I have heard the music, I have danced, and I have seemed insane. The images are engraved and the memories stored. I have also tried too hard and sometimes never hard enough. I am anything but one thing and my own company has also been an influencing one. Thank you for existing and thank you for being. Every single second, minute and moment wouldn’t have been as amazing without you.

A second

A second lasts a lifetime every time I wake up. It takes me a very long second to remember my identity and how I’m feeling. I still sometimes look for something to worry, something to obsess about. Am I on the right path? Should I be proud of this life I’ve chosen to live? Some seconds remind me of loneliness, others remind me of sheer joy. The second today reminded me how tricky the brain is at night. It takes an entire day to fill the head with thoughts. Some are true; others are trying to fool you.

As soon as that one second is over, I am reminded of what’s happening. At this very moment in my life there’s no deep wound or emptiness of being lost. After that one second I usually cease the day and get the biggest cup of coffee known to mankind, I play a little music and decide whether I’ll eat healthy today or get a chocolate croissant. Am I fit enough to be as confident as I know I should be? Yes? Let’s be content with my body. No? Let’s work ourselves to exhaustion. Is there an object of my affection? What are my friends up to? All these questions need to be answered and figured out as soon as possible. Then, as soon as enough living is done, I must write about it and hopefully find someone else who understands. If someone does I feel warm. If nobody does I feel blue.

But for a mere second in the waking morning, I’m empty. I’m nothing and it feels amazing. For that one second I am nobody and there are no expectations, I’m ageless and the soul can take a breath that’ll last until the next time it wakes up to consciousness. Then that one second is over and the scanning begins. First I must identify myself, then the decision making process follows. Everything I see, read, process and learn becomes a part of what is acknowledged after that one precious second where I’m blank.

Today that one second lasted longer than usual and I could not remember who to be or what to believe in, it was liberating. Maybe the more I rid myself of the programs in my head the freer and happier I’ll get to be. Who says we’re anything? We should only be and have that be enough. Not just for a second but as long as we want it to be. We have a purpose but we shouldn’t care so much about ourselves.

A precious second can be a lifetime and we can let it be.