The pretending

I want to sing when I’m teaching. I want to listen to music, always. I pretend to feel what I don’t feel. I’ve learned to pretend. I’ve always been very proud of what I’ve said no to but by saying no, what have I said yes to?

What if I never feel like I’m not pretending? What if pretending is what life becomes? I’ve always claimed to be authentic, real…the only way I truly know how to be. But lately it has been causing pain and people’s distance. Is it right or should I just pretend to fit in the box…at least for a bit? I’m bluffing. I can’t pretend. I can’t be anything but this restless soul that takes over me. It has caused pain, I know it, but I cannot pretend. Except if it’s work. I might not know a lot, but I know I need money to survive. Working produces money and therefore I must pretend. Fake it till you make it.

I’m not going to play the victim card and pretend it’s just me. Almost everybody must pretend. The dentist has to pretend to like the difficult patient. The artist has to pretend to be happy enough with his conflicted soul. The administrator has to pretend to like the very difficult neighbor. We have to be nice to those that drive us crazy. Sometimes, we must pretend. Most people don’t even wonder why. I do. I don’t know why but I wonder. I wonder about everyone and everything around me. It gets lonely but it’s quite entertaining.

It’s time to pretend who I want to be. I can be too real, too honest. This time I want to be happy. This time I want to pretend who I want to become. They say we must be careful whom we pretend to be because it’s who we’ll become. Well, yesterday a student told me I am one of the happiest girls he knows and I smiled. I might struggle but if I’m happy, I’m doing something right. I am happy when I’m not thinking too much of myself. Next time I’ll help others. Next time I’ll pretend whenever I feel that I can’t carry on.

Don’t worry if you feel you’re pretending. If you’re pretending to be happy or to make the most out of a difficult situation, you should be proud. Be proud to pretend. But if you’re pretending and it kills you, let go of the act. It’s hard to know the difference but deep down inside you know.

I’m too honest with myself and my best friend. She suffers when I suffer and I suffer when I suffer. I must pretend the emptiness is gone and soon enough it will be. Pretending doesn’t truly have to be a bad thing; it can save your life. It can help you become who you always wanted to be.

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What I remember

It’s easy to forget. It’s easy to let go of wonderful things we got to see, experience, feel, suffer, understand and simply live through. It can be painful but also very beautiful. It should all be worth celebrating. It’s good to know how far we are capable of going in a year or so. Some things you’ll understand, others you won’t. That’s fine because being understood isn’t really the point. This is the homage of what I’ve gotten to witness. I hope it encourages you to make a list of your own and honor the living you’ve done.

• The Civil Wars merged their beautiful conflicting voices to create a beautiful fusion of passion and expression. I listened. I loved them.
• I fell painfully out of love.
• I understood love a bit better, only a bit.
• I sang, a lot. I sang and was reminded of the voice I was given. It was blissful.
• I lost a lot of the fear.
• I lost one of my closest friends that had hurt me in the past and that I had forgiven only to have him hurt me all over again. Oh well.
• I lost and made new friends.
• I fell in lust a few times.
• I tried controlling situations that weren’t meant to be controlled.
• I was admired and disrespected.
• I was left in the jungle alone, without shoes. I found my way back after getting lost. Crazy and true.
• I made many mistakes with people but learned about humanity, how flawed we can all be.
• I still didn’t learn to play an instrument. Maybe next year.
• I got my first article published and it felt as amazing as I thought it would.
• I got my camera, my beautiful camera. It shows me the world in a beautiful way.
• I was a professional photographer for a magazine, emphasis on the ‘was.’
• I gave up on love a little, not enough to give up on it completely…but close.
• I felt, breathed, and endured pure passion, the reddest kind. The kind of passion that is trying to pump out through your heart. The most heart wrenching and wonderful kind.
• I was inspired by beautiful images.
• Antigua showed me its beauty and stayed loyal to me.
• I started a photography blog.
• I still love my mother the most. She gets me.
• I was finally able to live on my own in a house that I love.
• I got terribly sick a few times.
• I lost and gained weight.
• I felt beautiful and ugly.
• I took many naps; they were good.
• I read books, but not nearly as many as I would have liked.
• I partied, a lot.
• I learned, a lot.
• I cried, a lot.
• I’m still alone and still trying to figure that one out.
• A close friend got married and had a baby.
• I still didn’t finish my book, I think about it all the time though, it lives in me.
• I have Twitter, Tumblr, Pinterest and love them all in a very unique way.
• I started working online, dream come true.
• I became much more independent.
• I bought pretty things that made me smile.
• I started to need less than usual.
• I drank a lot of coffee and it hugged me with its warmth and bitterness.
• I’ve gotten to know people from all over the world, literally.
• I’ve kissed frogs.
• I fed my musical addiction.
• I let go just a little bit more than I held on.

Many things to celebrate and think about happened. I hope it inspires you in some weird way to celebrate your unique self and the life that you lived.

Where I am

I crave nothing anymore. But having wanting everything for so long, it makes it difficult to let go of. I might not be completely where I want to be but I’m certainly further along than I was a year ago. That’s easy to forget.

I tend to easily want more. I tend to easily compare myself to others and I tend to easily question the past. I’m trying to love where I am; I’m trying to create a world that makes more sense.

We are here, wherever here is. We made decisions and we are where we are. I always wonder of what could have been but there is no point in that. All I have is here and all I can work with is here. I’m tired of wasting time; I’m tired of questioning the way things are. It feels as though it’s a lost battle. It’s a battle without where no one can win.

I want to make the most of what I have and where I am. I want to be accepting. Yes, there are goals to accomplish, dreams to catch and people to love. But for now, there are moments to be accepted and embraced.

And if where I am isn’t good enough, let’s simply create a place that is more beautiful, with more trees and creatures that make no sense to others, but are oddly beautiful to us.

Where I am is here and here should be good enough. Where I am is unexpected and that should be fine. Where I am is not knowing why I haven’t fought for my dreams hard enough and being OK with that. I’m also standing alone and ready to let go of what my very programmed head thinks could have done better.

Something’s missing here and I’m not sure what it is. I have felt it before, some sort of intuition that tells me something is coming, that something is out there for me to grab. I’m ready to find it and take it. I’m ready to bring it with me and continue the path that makes complete sense.

Look around and enjoy where you are. Look around and embrace it. Life flies by and letting it all in is the greatest decision. Even if it’s not perfect, take it in. And if what’s around you isn’t enough, leave. If you want to see more, go see more. Save and go. It shouldn’t be as complicated as most people think it is.

I am here and I am happy. I want to see more so I’ll work towards seeing more. I want to love so I’ll love whatever is worth loving, including myself. I’m here and here is where I long to be.

With a bottle of wine

He brought over a bottle of wine for our last date. We never drank it so it sat there lonely, reminding me of yet another guy that wasn’t the right one. The bottle sat there for a while. It’s incredible how much importance we can give a thing that doesn’t matter. It’s fine; I have learned, I have lived.

I have recently discovered several dysfunctional patterns within myself. I thought I was a victim, I thought something was wrong with me. I’m not perfect but I do want to be happy. I have failed but I do want to succeed.

I was saving the bottle of wine to share with a friend but I never heard back from any friends. I was saving the bottle of wine and didn’t think much of it. It sat there by itself, waiting for a moment.

Tonight, I opened it and celebrated by myself. I celebrated my mistakes, my soul, and my life. I celebrated my endless amount of imperfections. I celebrated not knowing how it will unfold but being happy because of it. I celebrated being single most of my life. I hold on tightly to what I think I should want. I hold on tightly to the way things should have been. Tonight I let go. Tonight I embraced life the way it should be embraced.

All I want is to be happy, to remember and be remembered. Yes, it can be complex but all we truly should be, most of the times, is grateful. I have seen many things, I have travelled and I have learned what I do not want. I have learned desire and not having what I want most. I have lived.

With a bottle of wine, I embrace who I am and what I’ve been through. With a bottle of wine, I’m letting go of what I was not yet ready to learn. I am trying to be as good as it gets. I am trying to find a balance and it feels right.

I no longer go out seeking for approval…I am trying to go out and be myself. I am trying my best and my best is good enough, finally.

Thank you for what I have, who I am and what I’ve seen. Tonight I celebrate the living, the dreaming, the pain and the love. Today I celebrate solitude and not knowing. Tonight I might not have it all figured out but I’m certainly happy to be who I am, where I am and in bliss with my own company. Tonight everything and everyone is enough.

Tonight, with a bottle of wine, I celebrate. Cheers.