All I need

My life has gotten to the point where it all has seemed to go wrong, but oddly enough it feels right. Love was stolen from me, promises broken & obstacles decided to get a wee bit bigger. But it feels O.K. Why? I wonder. Well, it’s all inside us. We keep thinking it’s outside but we have the power and we choose how to fight and how strong we will be.

I feel blessed. Blessed because whenever I resist making the hard but right choice, I linger…I wait and then it’s handled for me. It’s scary how much I’m loved. I have angels making the decisions, taking the plunge when courage escapes me.

Today one more thing was ripped away. It was something that kept me safe in the cage. It was something that wasn’t ugly but it definitely wasn’t right. Life is unfolding itself in a way I couldn’t even imagine and it’s time to step up. It’s time to choose passion. Even if I don’t know how it’ll all unfold, I know it’s time and that’s why peace has settled in. Peace is always the best indicator.

There are many things I want but there isn’t much I need. What I do need is love, understanding, respect and expressing myself through what God gave me. I have a lot to say and I will be heard. I’m ready to stop the silence. I’m ready to be happy with what is mine and what is right. I don’t need much and realizing this has been the greatest treasure I’ve ever found. Life is here and now. What comes next is entirely up to me. I have my mentors, my friends and my weapons to fight. I’m good to go. I’m strong and ready to fight. Ready to survive, to thrive. I know my survival will serve a greater purpose and that’s all I really need.

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Just float

I have been trying to make it fit. The dress is beige and two sizes too small. I don’t like the dress or really even want it. It just so happens to have been made by a well recognized designer and given to me by my brother. And, in my mind, if he gave it to me, I should make it fit. The beige dress was one of three dresses I’ve tried on and, as much as I tried, none of them fit.

Art is a scary choice to make when surrounded by scarcity. If lawyers, doctors and dentists keep trying to pull me in with their logical success, how can I float enough to be able to reach art? You have to be willing to let go of the gold, even if it keeps you safe and is shiny, you have to let it go and float.

If I ever commit to sitting for long periods of time so that it eventually helps me float, I have to make sure my heart is in; otherwise I’m out.

I’m in the river now. After all these dresses I’ve tried on and taken off out of sheer desperation, I’m taking a swim in the familiar river. For so long I’ve been trying to go against its current because I thought it was the only way to survive. But all you have to do sometimes is stop the struggle, float and look at the beautiful sky that’s been up there for centuries, just waiting to be admired and always willing to inspire.

And once you float and realize how peaceful it is, you shouldn’t stop. Float, just float.

I don’t know why I kept trying to make something too small fit me. I guess I meant well. The designer gets frustrated and so do I at times. When will it fit? Until the perfectly made dress arrives and I know it’s right. And until that happens, I’ll keep wearing the beautiful dresses that have already been created and have a beauty of their own.

I turned back the clock

Youth is an obsession. So I decided to go back and take a look. It’s 2003. I get to make new choices. Last year I graduated from High School, it’s today back in time. I’m 18 years old. Everything is exactly the same except I know what I know now.

What would I do? If I think that because of the pain the twists and turns have caused, I’d get the urge to stay in the box of a more conventional life. But if I think of the lessons I’ve learned because of that same pain…then I’d run away even faster from it.

If going back and changing my crazy decisions means not having met the people I’ve met, then I’d write down all the “mistakes” so that I could carefully make the same ones all over again.

Regarding my love life, I’d care less knowing that the right guy will see me and never let me go and I’d tell myself not to worry about it. That’s pretty much it regarding that. It doesn’t matter as much as society says it does, neither does youth.

I’d appreciate myself more. I’d be more present when I talk to others.

But the big question would be: would I take any of it back? No. Even after the heartache and regrets; no I wouldn’t.

Truth be told, I still feel 18 and probably will for a while. I do believe that age should never get in the way of starting over.

I am younger then but I’m better now. I am much better emotionally, physic ally & spiritually.

It’s 2003 and I get to make new choices but interestingly enough, I would make the same ones, even with the pain it brings, even with the struggle, even with the heartache. And without even knowing how it’ll all turn out, there should never be anything to change. Because life wasn’t created to be perfect but to be appreciated and learned from. And that I know I have.

I turned back the clock and I like it more now, much more.

Tiny red pill

Should I or shouldn’t I take this pill? It’s been proven to make you forget everything.

This pill is illegal but because I’m in this third world country, that you decided to leave, I could easily acquire it. It’s been proven to make you forget every single detail.

I’ve gotten to the point where having you here in my head is unbearable. I understand its end, but my heart won’t. That’s why they created this pill. The tiny red pill will make you forget the love that has been lost. It’s been proven to make you forget everything; the love, the pain, the struggle.

You couldn’t say you loved me right after I foolishly decided to give you my heart. You could cry but you couldn’t say you loved me, you just couldn’t; maybe you didn’t. The tiny red pill can remove the beautifully perfect moments I so selfishly won’t let go of. It’s been proven to ease the pain, the pain of the empty loneliness.

Since you left, I’ve felt invisible. Others cannot seem to see me, even if I wear red lipstick, they cannot taste my words. I cannot seem to know if I love or hate you but your indifference has cornered me into wanting to forget you. The pill could help me forget; forget what you never said.

It’s not just you but my inability to find the real you. It’s your face I cannot forget but it’s what you represent what causes all this pain, all the suffering. The tiny red pill can make me forget it all, past and present.

But if I do, I wouldn’t be brave, I wouldn’t be me. I cannot seem to figure it out. I cannot seem to find the real guy, the one that sees me and could never let me go. He who couldn’t let me go even if he tried.

I cannot seem to completely escape the prison of my mind. But as bloody and intense as it gets, I have to fight. I cannot bring myself to take the tiny red pill that could erase it all. Why? Because even as lost and invisible as I feel at times, when I’m seen, believe you me, you’ll never forget it; you’ll never let go. And that is worth the pain, worth the fight.