The crashing

It all comes crashing down. It all falls apart and you think you won’t survive. You think it’s all over; except it isn’t.

Disappointment. Heartbreak. Unexpected pain. I used to be lost without it. I still struggle with it. It all comes crashing and you want to know why and you’re in denial and you fight it and you cope.

When you’re in your thirties and you still have the same struggles as you did in your twenties, you wonder what is wrong. Except maybe nothing is actually wrong. Maybe we crash and we can stare at the crash and waste away wondering why instead of just fixing the car and moving on.

This is a very enlightened me because when the shit hits the fan, I shout and scream and struggle and take my time coping with what has been destroyed in front of me.

It’s a crash; it’s painful. You feel lost and you don’t know what will happen next. So what? The crashing is unexpected, the pain is real and you either suffer and stay there or suffer for a while and move on. Take your time, look at the crash, fix it, and move on as soon as you’re ready. Not a second sooner or later. Just be kind to yourself because it’s easiest to destroy yourself instead of just seeing it for what it is: a crash.

This too shall pass and hard times happen. Breathe and let it be.

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This is the end 

Hold your breath and count to 10…

What happens at 11? Why didn’t they tell us about 11. You give up and it’s over but then it’s not. You’re in a hole under the ocean, it’s the end except it was just not. 

When will I get tired of my own bullshit? When will enough be enough? How long will I wait to live the life I’ve always wanted?! 

I don’t know. I don’t know how much I can take of this mediocrity. Wake up! Wake up! Wake up! Do something! 

I don’t know what to do. My terrible habits are trying to kill me. My disregard for the future has finally appeared itself in the future and I don’t see much of what I wanted. I didn’t work hard, I didn’t stick to anything. Now I’m lost and with a feeling of doom. 

I’m really hoping this will have a happy ending but I’m sensing it’d be too far fetched. 

This is the end. Hold your breath and count to 10. Then count to 11 and picture yourself doing yoga. If you don’t have a happy place in reality, go to a happy place in whatever world you can create. I’m struggling with it. 

My imagination is shut because I’m feeling hopeless. My dreams seem to have vanished and my talent mostly goes unnoticed. I dream but I don’t do. I dream but I don’t do! As I don’t do, I age.

It’s here, the end. I feel like I have enough reasons to give up and yet! Life finds a way to keep me going. My mom, my nephew, Martin, love sometimes but not me. I’m gaining weight and having the hardest time loving me; but I’m working on it. 

I hope to return on a happier day when it’s not the end.

The fighting

Fighting has become something people are good at. One wins the other loses. Or so they think. But who wins really? We fight, we get exhausted and then we feel horrible. The true winner is the one that does not engage; not even when there’s enough reason to, not even when we think we should. 
Don’t get me wrong, you’ll never let anyone disrespect you. But the best moment for that is after the anger, after anything has or hasn’t happened. Just after, later. 
Don’t engage. Let it be. Let it go. 
You’d think I’m only talking about fighting with your couple, with a friend or even an enemy. I’m also talking about yourself. Stop fighting with yourself. You’re the one you attack the hardest. “You’re not good enough.” “You’ve made too many mistakes.” “You can’t do it.” These are just a few of the many horrible things you tell yourself. Stop. The lower self will attack you and you must learn not to engage and be kinder. Be more loving. I know you think you’ve fallen behind in life but even if you have, that’s not good enough reason to be tough. As I’ve said before, there’s never a good reason to fight, to attack, to hurt. 
Feel the emotions, let them move you towards something positive and then LET THEM GO.
It’s a hard task to embark on. It’s hard because we’ve grown used to fighting and winning. Win and enjoy your glory but don’t drag your emotions through the gutter. The less you fight, the more enlightened you’ll feel. The more enlightened, the better the life. 
A woman hates you and wants to fight. What do you do? You don’t do anything. You don’t ask for any favors, you pretend she doesn’t even exist. Why? Because this will protect your peace. And your peace is a treasure that you should protect at all costs. 
Don’t engage. Let it be. Let it go.

I am crashing 

I’m stuck in a pattern. Has this ever happened to you? You realize the same thing happens once and again. What am I suppose to learn universe? Please tell me and I’ll read up. I’m lost. I must confess I’m lazy. I don’t believe in doing anything for money. I refuse to sell my soul. I thought energy was the most important currency; it is. But money’s power cripples in and leaves me speechless. 

I’m falling down without a sign of a parachute. It’s not that bad. I enjoy the wind and the words that pop into my head while I fall. There are things that keep me from crashing into the ground. 

I am crashing and falling down but I’m wishing and hoping to create the tools to make a hole in the ground that will take me to Wonderland through the rabbit hole. I don’t want to crawl up the building that leads to the boring office, I wanna find my way to Wonderland. Please show me the way universe; please shed the yellow light. I need it. 

I am crashing down but maybe it’s just what’s suppose to happen; at least that’s what I need to believe. Go on gravity, bring it. I won’t fight you, I’ll come crashing and it’ll be epic.

Beauty and the beast

She was lovely but secretly broken. He seemed lovely but was secretly a beast. 

We go around living and these brains of ours make choices for us. Choices based on our past and how it was all dealt with back then. What are we supposed to do with that? I guess we should tame the beast inside us as much as we can. 

His beast is easy to recognize; hers is a bit more hidden  because I she a flower growing up that taught her to take care of that inner wilderness. A flower that’d tell her how pretty she was even though others would say otherwise. The flower believed she’d bloom into something mesmerizing, something beautiful. 

He never had a flower. The beast was raised by wolves and didn’t know how to go about it. 

They grow up and meet. They both have beasts that fight. Their character coexists and now and then you can smell the flower’s scent trying to spread joy. There is passion and there is much love to be had.

Will the beasts be tamed or will they run wild? That is what everyone wants to know what there’s a beauty and a beast.

What we wish for

We’re a generation of control freaks. We think we know what we want. We work relentlessly until we get it and sometimes it’s not what we thought it would be. It’s great to have a goal but when that goal involves someone, all bets are off.

I was ready, you weren’t. You’re ready, I’m not. It’s off and there’s no way to truly control emotions. It’s up, it’s down. It comes, it goes.

I recently watched 13 Reasons Why and it shocked me to my very core. Not only the sad reality of what could be happening in schools, but how  hard it is to get along, to respect each other and love each other. Why? I don’t know. I was bullied and thought life would get much easier once I got out of high school. It did and it didn’t. I didn’t have a bully telling me my inadequacies, I became my own bully. I’m slowly and steadily trying to become kinder, not to do that. It’s hard to do after losing friends, feeling lonely and not truly finding a path.

After all, he has been the only romantic interest that has truly taken a chance on me. I’m here and you’re there and you want me there but in a way where I forget about myself more than I know how. Should I go? Should I stay? That is the question. I’m terrified of loneliness. I’m terrified of rejection. I’m in my 30’s and I have the same fears I had in high school. Maybe that’s why that show shocked me as much as it did.

I don’t know what to wish for anymore. I guess the best path is to take it day by day trying to choose self love and peace. And if things fall apart, they were supposed to. And if they don’t, they weren’t supposed to.

One thing I do know for sure: this life was given to us to be lived. Even if it’s painful and hard, we never give up. And if we feel like we utterly failed ourselves and others; we get up and try again until we get it right. And I’m gonna keep wishing and hoping even when I feel like I can’t. I refuse to believe there’s no happy ending. There has to be. There will be. I believe. I know.

Hurt

Just when things finally get good, it comes crashing down. Why? Why? Why?

It doesn’t matter why. The important thing is what we do with what was broken when everything fell apart. Why do we hurt each other? To protect ourselves. People who hurt the hardest are the ones that are hurting the most. But why do we have to endure their childhood pain? That’s not fair. 

But here I am; in love with an emotionally hurt human and I’m hurt and I don’t know what to do. How much should we forgive? How much is normal? There is a lot of good but when the pain comes out to rear its ugly head, it’s a monster. And I’ve always been terrified of monsters. I usually ran away from them as fast as I could when I was little. It’s not as easy as an adult. This adulting is hard. I’m way too old to be dealing with the issues I deal with. But hey! Here I am. Still figuring out what to do with my life, in my thirties and hanging out with the emotionally damaged. Who knows? Maybe I’m one too. But I really try not to be.

I’m hurt, in pain, in silence and know nothing except that I must move forward even though I don’t know where forward is. I guess you’re suppose to carry on even when you’re blindfolded, otherwise life goes on without you. It has before, believe me I know. The bleeding will eventually stop. It always does.

But for now, keep cool, wipe away the tears and carry on anyway you can.

Blurry 

It’s a day she can’t remember. She remembered taking a break but had no clue as to how long she’d been resting. 

She had to get up and fight the good fight. What was the fight again? What am I fighting for? She forgot. She had a short term memory problem and that didn’t allow her to plan much. 
Just get up! She heard a voice. It was blurry and confusing. She felt a bit older and more tired. Is it worth it? Can I do this? It’s still blurry. Her vision has been compromised. 

And still, she carries on slowly. She doesn’t know what else to do except survive. Is that enough? Is surviving good enough? She’s forgotten how but she will carry on.

And she hopes and prays that the vision becomes clear and precise because she’s been lost for a while and it’s time. It’s definitely time.

Inspiration

It doesn’t matter where it comes from or if it left. All that matters is that you create from wherever life seems to have put you, where you have put yourself. It all came flowing. The pain was unbearable and so it poured out of me. Now, inevitably, maturity finally came knocking on my door. I was wondering when I’d be willing to grow up a bit. Only a little bit though.

Now, I find myself having a hard time expressing myself because conflict was what moved me, what made the world go round. My dreams were still reachable and doable. I don’t know what they are now or what they’ve become. All I know is that here I am, writing. Here I am creating something out of thin air. Isn’t that what life is anyhow? Don’t we make it up as we go along? I know I have.

Rules seem to have escaped me. Life seems to have left me behind at times and I seem to be the young dramatic girl I once was. I am nothing and yet everything. I will always be a beautiful mess of contradictions. The only constant in life is change and I know that for sure. I see those around me plan and I am mesmerized by the idea. What is a plan? How does it work? How can one commit to one thing forever?

This confusion has led me to not get what I want. I didn’t know what I wanted so how was I to get it? It’s fine. Everything is fine and nothing is the end of the world. I do have one desire though. I hope to make a difference in this world and leave the Earth a bit better than I found it. Survival gets in the way, distractions present themselves all day long at many moments throughout the day. I’m trying as hard as I’ve been able to to ignore them and do more of this, more of love, more of life. I must cease to compare myself to others because I do not belong in this world and I should not desire to do so.

I’m in conflict in love. I’m trying to fight for my individuality whist sharing my space with another. He seems to want his things his own way and that’s fine. I’m just trying to find that perfect balance whilst achieving some sort of goal because my soul is tired of always wandering and have nothing concrete to show for myself.

The Wizard says I’m used to being uncomfortable and that all that matters is that I feel good for being me. He says that being me is enough success and that’s all that matters. What a lovely thought. Just writing it makes me feel better.

We shall see where this messy life ends up. I know I have to work harder, I also know I have to take it easy on myself and I know that I must be happy with what is because fighting is exhausting and I am very tired.

Here’s to writing again and never truly giving up. If we actually gave up, we wouldn’t get out of bed. And here we are, fighting the good fight for others that might have to face this thing called life.

The battle 

Me: I hear you heart and please stop. I feel you and you hurt. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I haven’t been brave enough to pursue my dreams. I’m sorry failure has left me paralyzed. I’m sorry I couldn’t make better choices. Please forgive me, please stop. 

Heart: I forgive you completely but why are you giving up? I’m still beating and you know what that means? It’s not over. You can still pursue your dreams. Even if it’s more difficult, even if you feel you can’t do it again. If I’m still beating, then you can. So I know I’m broken and that makes it harder for you to carry on. I’m working on that. But even if we hurt, I know you can push through the pain and do what we love. Keep pushing, keep trying. And when you can’t and you don’t; that’s ok. But just try to picture what it’ll feel like when you’re successful and making a difference, when you’re fulfilling your calling; when you’re helping others. I know you hear and feel me; there’s a reason for that. Don’t ignore me. If anything, acknowledge me and talk to me; just don’t be indifferent to my desires. They are real and they are beautiful and they are authentic and can give you what you want. Do not let fear get in the way. He is someone you definitely shouldn’t listen to. And the details in between such as jobs, money, what others think, do not matter; not even a little. What people who love you say matters, what I say matters, when you see your greatness, that matters. Focus on what matters and don’t care about unimportant endeavors. They’re just there on the wall, they’re not the main performance. You know what it is; stop forgetting. And don’t silence me. At least hear me And give me a voice! I’m here for you to listen; for you to feel alive. Thank you. xx