Cease to exist

If you’re not next to me, you no longer exist in my world. Yes, sometimes I find you running in my head but the proof does not sustain itself for me to believe that your existence is real. I’m done chasing ghosts. I’m done sending messages through doves that hold not proof of being delivered. I want to be done being an energy waster. When will it be enough for me to understand that so long as I cannot see you, you don’t exist…not for now? It helps to focus on any other endeavor to understand that as attractive as you may be, if you’re not here, you cease to exist.

The ghosts around me that aren’t really there are horribly flawed. They were never taught how to be or how to live. They care about every single little thing that does not matter. It turns out he hurt her terribly and I never thought he’d do so. I heard she decided to give up and just become like the others even though she’d been given the chance to live. I heard he’s aging and refuses to believe in anything that’s real. She forced herself on someone that couldn’t give her what was right.

Wonderland is showing itself to me again and I don’t want its fun to be ruined by people that don’t really exist, that don’t really matter. The ones that do exist and are a part of the wonderful tapestry of life are magnificent and that’s all I should need to carry on. I’m letting go of anything that my mind has led me to believe is a necessity when all it does is feed the ego monster. The ego can trick you not only into believing that someone that’s not there is, but it can also make you believe that without the attention your worth decreases.

I cannot see you here next to me and I’ve decided that makes you not exist. Not in a pessimistic way just in a present way. So long as I cannot see you, I cannot give you the attention because it would be a waste of time and energy. And as soon as you decide to show yourself, I’ll be ready and happy to know that I didn’t waste time with ghosts that mean well but have nothing to give. If it doesn’t add value to the equation, take out the numbers that make no sense, the ones that aren’t odd enough to become even. They will cease to exist and I’m staying put until it all adds up in my world.

The girls

Audrey wakes up every morning, puts on her make up, chooses a dress, pulls herself together and smiles at life. She walks out and smiles at the palm trees that remind her of the beautiful ballet dancer she could have been. All the guys stare at her and her pretty smile. The dress she wears is full of flowers and it reminds her of the loveliness within. Walking the streets feel like a runway to her. Being admired is more than enough to make it through the day.

Nicolette only lives at night. She’s sexy and likes to get the attention from every attractive man. She shines whilst sipping slowly on a martini. Her ego is almost as big as the guys she’s attracted to seductiveness. The harder to get, the better, the more people she knows, the better; the more attention she gets, the better she looks. Her little black dress reminds her of glamour when she could have been a celebrity. All her friends are fabulous and all she needs to survive is the never-ending nightlife her soul craves. The light of the moon is all she longs for. She wants to marry the night.

Elizabeth craves knowledge. As soon as she wakes up, she needs to learn and read. She needs to spend time alone and not worry about the outer world that constantly overwhelms her. Writers and composers feed her soul. She likes quotes and the letters feed the words in her head. Elizabeth knows there’s nothing better than seeing every single angle of whatever situation she’s going through. She knows better than to care about that which does not matter.

Juliette has a melody in her head always. She sings because it’s the only way boys will listen to her calling. She desires the piano as much as a child craves sugary treats. A red head feeds the melody that began when she was born but was awakened as a teenager. She sings so that she can be heard, she dances so that the music never feels lonely as she does sometimes. Juliette’s hair flows like a melody through the wind. As long as she’s in a song, she’s happy…even if it’s the wrong song.

Mary is grounded and cannot lose track of what’s right and wrong. Her background is very conservative and she cannot help but be pulled from what’s wrong to what’s right. The unconventional is Mary’s worst enemy. She wishes she wasn’t as judgmental but knows that so long as she doesn’t go all the way, she’ll be fine. Her constant artistic friend reminds her how her past shouldn’t define her, if anything it can help her make it through alive.

Jesse loves to be fit. She runs so that her genes won’t catch up with her; sometimes they haunt her. Numbers are in her head and she can’t help but count what she has or hasn’t done. She dresses comfortably and knows how hard she has to work to defeat the demons that never seam to leave. It’s not about making them leave; it’s about making friends with them. She walks and sometimes runs. All she knows for sure is that she cannot stop, even if she feels like it.

If you have not yet figured it out, I am the girls. If you think I am one person, it’s simply a reflection of your naiveté. I try to keep them apart but being the soul sisters that they are, they pull each other together creating some sort of unique self. I have not yet found a creature that can deal with them all; especially not their heart. I have not yet found a creature that isn’t afraid. I have found creatures of the same sort; they have encountered the same obstacle. But maybe it’s not an obstacle but an opportunity. It’s an opportunity to look at life from a place of solitude and embrace not the one but the many wonderful things that we are. If you too are more than one, love them and let them breathe.

A new happening

It’s easy to fall into the trap of only writing when feeling blue. Pain is so overwhelming and eluding, it’s easy to fall into its power and want to share a bit of the burden with others. Maybe that way it becomes bearable and if you’re lucky you can even make it bearable for others.

But it’s just as important to share moments like this one. Life is happening and unfolding in a way that forces me to be nothing but grateful. Yes, I should always be grateful I know. But right now I have so much to be grateful for. For whatever reason I had a hard time not only finding what I love to do but also being able to do it. Having an older brother have it all together didn’t help much but his perfection is nobody’s fault. I still somehow let hope shine through and now I feel like it’s finally happening, I cannot believe it. It makes me want to do more, breathe it all in little by little.

Yes, it can all change in an instant but having felt this passion and love is more than what I could have asked for. Where I live is where I long to be. The melody in my head has finally been heard, if only by a few. The words I write are finally read and no longer misunderstood. One soul still has an empty space in mine but there is just so much to be blissful for, I no longer feel entitled to ask for more.

I want to say thank you every day…even when I don’t feel like it. I want to remember always how fortune is on my side and here to stay. There is still much work to be done but this beginning has filled my soul with light and it’s more beautiful than words could ever express. I know I get to choose where I go from here and there’s no way of knowing how it’ll unfold but this first step is a beautiful one and I intend to taste all its glory. Thank you for inspiring me with your existence. Thank you to the artists that have made life colorful. Thank you mother for the unshakable faith that carried me through. I finally have an idea of what I never knew I always wanted. The path is beautiful and I feel fearless to walk it proudly.

Once Upon Another Time

Once upon another time you wouldn’t have been here and I might not have been there. This moment could have become something beautiful instead of it rapidly become nothing. Once upon another time I was with someone else when I met you and we recognized each other and that moment will forever live in Never Land. Once upon another time you could’ve been a man and not have a Peter Pan complex refusing to grow up. You could have given me the benefit of the doubt and not hold anything against me.

Never Land is filled with doubt and fear. Anything that stops us from living fully goes to a place where existence is killed. I tell myself how if it’s meant to be, it will be. But I can’t help but wonder about what could have been. I wonder where all the moments that didn’t happen go. What if all the fairy tale endings do exist but they’re just not here? What if the boy would have been a man? What if the girl wouldn’t have stolen his heart and he could still be whole? These are all moments living somewhere else. But unfortunately we live here; in a land where what couldn’t have been is invisible and, for most, lost forever. For me, they’re there. I can feel those lost moments but I find comfort in knowing they are someone else’s now, in a different place and time.

Once upon another time I could not write about this and pretend, like almost everyone does, that it’s all perfect and pretty. I could remain silent, keeping my thoughts to myself fearful of the judgment. But that once upon a time wouldn’t be me and it wouldn’t be real and maybe it’d be easier but there’s a driving force inside that screams for me to share. Yes, once upon this time is intense, dramatic and emotional. But all I can do is give a voice to how I feel. I want to sing for those who can’t. I want to live in a land where I can make it a little easier on someone else. I want whatever I go through to have a purpose, even if it means not getting what I want. I’d still choose once and again to be open and free to say whatever I feel I must; and there’s no other time to do that but here and now.

The chosen one

There are four manlike creatures in front of me. I am obviously in a place that looks like Wonderland and feels like heaven. The weather is kind and I’m almost as beautiful as I’d like to be. I’m sitting on a beautiful bench but I cannot seem to be able to move my feet. I want to talk to them all but I cannot move. They all see me and sometimes come talk to me. When they do, I usually say the right thing but then, as usual, the wrong thing happens to slips through the cracks. The blonde one is very handsome and when he does not sit next to me, the other female creatures catch him. He knows how popular he can be and I’m not sure he knows I can see him out and about. I’m sitting in a bench that has the perfect view. I can see what they are all doing. I love being by myself but then I get lonely and want their company. The blonde isn’t right but because they all want him, the desire grows. You’d think I’d know better by now, but I guess the lesson didn’t fully sink in.

Then there’s the brunette. He’s a puzzle. He can see me more clearly and might have less female creatures pursuing him…but he’s a puzzle. Because he has more years hiding under his hair, he’s more strategic. I don’t know where I was when all the game playing and strategic planning was taught, must have skipped school that day. I like this dark haired one but I’m not sure exactly what’s happening.

The other two guys are a blur. I cannot seem to be able to describe them because they only exist in the future. If the two guys that seem to exist in the present cease to come visit me, the two future manlike creatures will become completely visible and real. I don’t know why but I feel utterly frustrated when they don’t choose to be with me. Not only do I want to be the chosen one but I want to be the only one they can see. Growing up I never truly felt chosen by the opposite sex. Yes, I think I still have that issue growing in the garden where my bench happens to be. I want one of them to join me and never want to leave my side.

But in spite of who joins me or not, I shouldn’t be focusing on what they’re doing or not. I shouldn’t care as much. What I should be focusing all my energy on is getting my feet to work again and choose for myself. Get up and decide who’s worthy of my time and attention. I might not be the chosen one, but I’m the chooser. Being the chooser should be the ultimate goal. Why do we wait for that other person to choose us? Why should I be OK with waiting for one of them to join me? Why do we wait for the approval that should be given by no one but ourselves? I’m fed up with the insecurities and the games. Yes, they exist and you can be a part of it as much as you’d like. But never give any of your worth to anybody else. It’s difficult not to care but waiting to be saved or chosen is worse. Once you get right again and find a way to get your beautiful feet to function properly; walk, run and then fly. Once you do, it won’t matter if you’re chosen. You’ll instantly become one of the even more precious ones that can choose to be whomever they want, be with whomever they please and live the life you’ve chosen and never knew you always wanted. And I truly believe that’s the right choice.