For my munchkin

He’s innocent and perfect. He doesn’t know right from wrong. He’s the purest form of love I’ve known. He smiles happily and showers everyone with joy. 

I’d been going through a low season and was having a hard time keeping calm and carrying on. Then he appeared and it was a reminder to do it for him. Sometimes we cannot be kind to ourselves but then let’s do it for someone else. 

More people than we know is inspired by us. More people than we know need our love. More people than we know need our positive vibrations. Let’s give it. How? Simply by being happier, by not complaining, by being calm, by enjoying what we have. Simple things make a huge difference. 

I’m singing, I’m painting, I’m writing and enjoying immensely. And when you can do more, do more. But the point of it all is to be positive and grateful for what we have NOW. I still fail at this simple lesson but it’s OK. Today I’m doing it for him and I feel happy. 

If doing it for yourself doesn’t seem enough, do it for someone else and feel the shift. I’ll keep trying to do my best and be happy with what comes my way. Thank you munchkin; I love you deeply and thank you for inspiring me to be more and give my best. 

Beauty and the beast

She was lovely but secretly broken. He seemed lovely but was secretly a beast. 

We go around living and these brains of ours make choices for us. Choices based on our past and how it was all dealt with back then. What are we supposed to do with that? I guess we should tame the beast inside us as much as we can. 

His beast is easy to recognize; hers is a bit more hidden  because I she a flower growing up that taught her to take care of that inner wilderness. A flower that’d tell her how pretty she was even though others would say otherwise. The flower believed she’d bloom into something mesmerizing, something beautiful. 

He never had a flower. The beast was raised by wolves and didn’t know how to go about it. 

They grow up and meet. They both have beasts that fight. Their character coexists and now and then you can smell the flower’s scent trying to spread joy. There is passion and there is much love to be had.

Will the beasts be tamed or will they run wild? That is what everyone wants to know what there’s a beauty and a beast.

What we wish for

We’re a generation of control freaks. We think we know what we want. We work relentlessly until we get it and sometimes it’s not what we thought it would be. It’s great to have a goal but when that goal involves someone, all bets are off.

I was ready, you weren’t. You’re ready, I’m not. It’s off and there’s no way to truly control emotions. It’s up, it’s down. It comes, it goes.

I recently watched 13 Reasons Why and it shocked me to my very core. Not only the sad reality of what could be happening in schools, but how  hard it is to get along, to respect each other and love each other. Why? I don’t know. I was bullied and thought life would get much easier once I got out of high school. It did and it didn’t. I didn’t have a bully telling me my inadequacies, I became my own bully. I’m slowly and steadily trying to become kinder, not to do that. It’s hard to do after losing friends, feeling lonely and not truly finding a path.

After all, he has been the only romantic interest that has truly taken a chance on me. I’m here and you’re there and you want me there but in a way where I forget about myself more than I know how. Should I go? Should I stay? That is the question. I’m terrified of loneliness. I’m terrified of rejection. I’m in my 30’s and I have the same fears I had in high school. Maybe that’s why that show shocked me as much as it did.

I don’t know what to wish for anymore. I guess the best path is to take it day by day trying to choose self love and peace. And if things fall apart, they were supposed to. And if they don’t, they weren’t supposed to.

One thing I do know for sure: this life was given to us to be lived. Even if it’s painful and hard, we never give up. And if we feel like we utterly failed ourselves and others; we get up and try again until we get it right. And I’m gonna keep wishing and hoping even when I feel like I can’t. I refuse to believe there’s no happy ending. There has to be. There will be. I believe. I know.

Inspiration

It doesn’t matter where it comes from or if it left. All that matters is that you create from wherever life seems to have put you, where you have put yourself. It all came flowing. The pain was unbearable and so it poured out of me. Now, inevitably, maturity finally came knocking on my door. I was wondering when I’d be willing to grow up a bit. Only a little bit though.

Now, I find myself having a hard time expressing myself because conflict was what moved me, what made the world go round. My dreams were still reachable and doable. I don’t know what they are now or what they’ve become. All I know is that here I am, writing. Here I am creating something out of thin air. Isn’t that what life is anyhow? Don’t we make it up as we go along? I know I have.

Rules seem to have escaped me. Life seems to have left me behind at times and I seem to be the young dramatic girl I once was. I am nothing and yet everything. I will always be a beautiful mess of contradictions. The only constant in life is change and I know that for sure. I see those around me plan and I am mesmerized by the idea. What is a plan? How does it work? How can one commit to one thing forever?

This confusion has led me to not get what I want. I didn’t know what I wanted so how was I to get it? It’s fine. Everything is fine and nothing is the end of the world. I do have one desire though. I hope to make a difference in this world and leave the Earth a bit better than I found it. Survival gets in the way, distractions present themselves all day long at many moments throughout the day. I’m trying as hard as I’ve been able to to ignore them and do more of this, more of love, more of life. I must cease to compare myself to others because I do not belong in this world and I should not desire to do so.

I’m in conflict in love. I’m trying to fight for my individuality whist sharing my space with another. He seems to want his things his own way and that’s fine. I’m just trying to find that perfect balance whilst achieving some sort of goal because my soul is tired of always wandering and have nothing concrete to show for myself.

The Wizard says I’m used to being uncomfortable and that all that matters is that I feel good for being me. He says that being me is enough success and that’s all that matters. What a lovely thought. Just writing it makes me feel better.

We shall see where this messy life ends up. I know I have to work harder, I also know I have to take it easy on myself and I know that I must be happy with what is because fighting is exhausting and I am very tired.

Here’s to writing again and never truly giving up. If we actually gave up, we wouldn’t get out of bed. And here we are, fighting the good fight for others that might have to face this thing called life.

Meant to be

It’s a struggle until you unlearn what was taught to you by the passing voices in the halls of the school or the college you never went to. By the authority figures that think they’re doing you good by making you fit into the box. Boxes aren’t for everyone.
The leaves fall year after year and our expectations are left hanging on the wall as an art project because no one told you it’s never going to be the way you thought it would be.

 
We create beliefs and hope that most of them are positive instead of negative. You know what you don’t want, and so you venture out thinking that you’ll find what is perfect. But more than finding perfection you find life. You’re left between the cracks and you think that’s a bad thing but then you realize that that’s what makes you; that’s what makes art.

 
Those who can see beyond what is happening and have the understanding of a wallflower are the ones that are screaming on the inside. They’re the ones with opinions and all they want is to be heard.
Once in a blue moon you find one of the others and smile knowing you’re not alone. Sometimes one of the others turns away because the light is too bright for the darkness.

 
And then one day you’re woken up to a beautiful mess and all you know for sure is that it’s yours. The pieces, the colors, the memories, the moments aren’t there to be judged but observed and acknowledged. The books read will forever be stored in your hard drive. The opportunities missed will forever live in a parallel world.
The events waiting to happen and the stories untold are waiting for you to step in and bring them to life.
The love is felt by a beating heart and the pain has evaporated the tears but not without leaving a tiny scar on the left side of your brain.
It’s overwhelming and it’s all a part of it. It’s completely undone and touched poetically by the talkative sky. It’s here and it’s yours and it doesn’t have an ending; very much like this story.
It goes on and on until it’s easy to transition into what is meant to be.

The thought of you

The thought of you is haunting. It crawls in and it won’t let go of me. The memories last because they’re deep. The feeling has a name but I haven’t found it yet. The thought changes its form and it always takes your place. The thought of you smiles at me and knows. It knows what I’m feeling and how deep it goes. It had waited to find me because my heart had to grow big enough to feel you. Logic tries to deny me the pleasure of going in; today I won’t let it.

Passion grows and it shape shifts into trees and moments and experiences that never seem to end. I’m underwater and I’m up in the air. I’m here and I’m there and I’m everywhere and all I can see and think is you. I close my eyes and the thought is felt by the touch of your hand and that very unique smile on your face you have when you see me. It reminds me how much you love me even when you’re not close enough to hold me. It whispers lullabies that sound sweet and soft. It sometimes screams and makes me feel alive. The thought of you also reminds me of the challenges and it kindly tells me that love isn’t the absence of hardship but the growth it inevitably brings. I smile knowing that the path is lived tighter and closer than before because of them. I found the thought of you in my head and it was chasing me. You sometimes take a hold of me and I let you because it feels amazing and inspiring. Your eyes are leaves. As a child I always wanted a leaf because it is perfect and beautiful and sheds green and light wherever it happens to be; your eyes do the same for me. They shed green and light and give me hope even when hopelessness is trying to bring me down.

The thought of you reminds me who I was and who I am. It reminds me how deep down inside I knew all along what was real and what wasn’t. I thought I was insane for wanting more and wanting it as soon as humanly possible. It turns out the thought of you was real way before I met you. Having faith felt impossible at times because having you was necessary; and even though you were very close, we were worlds apart. The difficulties and mistakes from the past had to be lived and made in order to be able to finally see you. I probably passed by you a thousand times but I just couldn’t see you. You say I’m the invisible woman because you weren’t ready to see me. I couldn’t see you either. Now I see you, I feel you and I think you. Now you’re here.

The future is always unknown but the present is given and is meant to be enjoyed and acknowledged. The thought of you today needed to be felt. The thought of you keeps going and loves the red and the raw and the passion. The thought of you makes me smile and makes me want to be completely and absolutely me. It teaches me about compassion and growth and it reminds me how love should be. It isn’t perfect, it’s magical.

In love

I’m in love. Just like that, it happened. Most of my posts were about this alluring energy that always escaped me. And then suddenly, just like the sun obviously rises every day, I was in love; madly so. How? I do not know. It just did. I hate to sound so generic but that’s exactly what it felt like.

His green eyes never looked so real; his smile never so white. It wasn’t at all what they tell you it is. It’s deeper. I won’t say better or worse because those adjectives should never be used to describe humans. It’s simply deeper, more complex.

The colors of the rainbow finally seem to make sense. You no longer question why red is on the outside, you’re fine because it simply is. Even when chaos surrounds, you want to smile. Life feels lighter and the days brighter. You can simply sit next to each other and have nothing bother you. I’m a recovering over-thinker and I never thought this could be so. I never thought I could just let it be.

Hearts aren’t as generic as you once thought they were. They are actually precious gems that must be protected at all costs and cherished constantly. You’re no longer reckless with what you say because there is a creature in your life that cares that actually listens to everything you say and how you say it. You no longer think that life is simply about the waiting. The waiting is indeed the hardest part about the living and in a blink of an eye, it becomes forgotten and almost nonexistent as soon as someone walks in the door and never lets you go.

You unexpectedly and slowly change. You remind yourself of the promises you made to yourself when you were single and honor them but always leaving room for change. If not, how could it bloom? It couldn’t. You think you’re tough until someone cuts you open and makes you face the softest sides of yourself. The sides you were trying to hide from because you were afraid of what you might find; only to find they were precisely the parts of yourself you needed to see the most.

Kisses become a regular part of your routine. Happiness becomes much more obvious and flowers seem to bloom in a much more natural way than they did before; they turn to the sun naturally.

You know and you remember who you used to be but you simply become a more beautiful version of yourself, you bloom. You feel understood, held and warm.

I’m in love. Just like that, it happened.

You, him, her

I want to be you. I like your hair and the way you move through the room. I want to be a mermaid. They swim around unworried about life. They’re always pretty and can go as deep as they please. I want to be you. You have beautiful, long blonde hair and everybody wants to touch it. I want your voice. You sing like an angel and can create melodies that make special souls stop and listen.

I want to be him. He always knows what he wants to do with his life and has more than enough extra cash in his pocket. I can’t seem to find those 25 bucks I keep losing somehow. I love the way he falls in love, uninterrupted. I like how his eyes stare when it’s inevitable to do so.

I want to be her. She’s one of those girls that always knew how to be fabulous and unapologetic. She’s poised and possesses a youthful wisdom that is as rare as a white butterfly flying through the sky and saying hello at random but perfect times. She keeps her skin sun kissed and soft. She smiles because she’s happy and I become her. She is inspiration.

I’m you, I’m him, I’m her. And most importantly I’m me. I don’t know when we got lost along the way and forgot that we get to be anybody. They cage us telling us that we’re only one person; that we can only do one thing. Nothing could be further from the truth. We’re too complex to simply be one single thing. If you can see more than one color, become the rainbow. Don’t allow anyone to cage you…not even those that love you. You get to be whoever you are; whatever your eyes get to see. You become what your endless imagination allows you to become. The people in your life are a part of that, but they are not it. You are it and only you. Society tries to cage us but we are the ones that say yes or no to that very limiting belief.

I’ve flown away from the cage and I can honestly say you can have the best of all worlds. You can enjoy earthly pleasures and still be a free bird. Your definition of freedom might change along the way and that’s a part of that liberty. Simply become whomever you want to be. And if you can’t own it, pretend. And if you can’t be it, fake it. Then, suddenly, almost out of nowhere you’ll wake up to find you are exactly who you want to be. It won’t be perfect but it’ll be the most glorious experience. And when that day comes, you’ll smile and all that will be left is sheer joy and an endless amount of gratitude. The only two emotions you want to feel when freedom has knocked on your door.

Be anyone, be anything, be.

Visibility

This is the first. This is the first time I can see him. He was there but I couldn’t see him. It turns out I was invisible. It turns out I couldn’t see myself. I realized I was invisible a few years back and started to freak out and started asking myself why. Instead of trying to become visible, I could not get over the fact that I was invisible. Maybe he was there but I couldn’t see him. I couldn’t see me.

It took me years to become visible. No one gave me the recipe. I was lonely in my invisibility. I did get to meet other invisible creatures and they were all quite interesting. Because I was invisible, I spent no time acquiring much. I don’t know how much faith I had in becoming visible. Not because I didn’t believe but because I became comfortable with not being seen. The hidden souls had an interesting pull. They listen to music that the visible can’t hear. They drink a lot of wine and talk about the pain all the time.

For an instant, I thought that was it. Except it wasn’t. I was forced to spend time with some visible creatures and as much as I tried to ignore them, they were screaming. They wanted me to come to life. Why? I wondered. They knew I wasn’t born to be hidden. They knew I could always cherish my invisibility powers but shine bright and rid myself of the fears.

I slowly started to show myself. It was a very slow process. It was a process that I wasn’t even aware was in progress. The transition was life changing. There were many losses, including parts of me. I lost touch with the invisible crowd. They kicked me out of their space when they realized what was happening. I didn’t even know it but they were starting to see me and that was breaking the cardinal rule.

I’ll never know where they are because I can’t easily see them anymore. They are gone. They will always have a special place in my heart and I remember their faces full of misery and false hope very vividly. I loved their music, their drama, their darkness.

And now it’s my first time. I get to see this beautiful green eyed creature and he is as alive as I am. Because I was formerly invisible and unaware of being so, it’s quite a fascinating experience. I am anything but one thing and he isn’t as complex but full of life and love; it’s mesmerizing. That’s the thing about the invisible ones; they have a certain kind of allure; but the visible ones are the allure. They are beautiful and unapologetic. They walk in and want to be seen.

I wasn’t sure if it’d be worth it to become visible; in certain ways it’s harder and more challenging. But then it happened and now I can’t wait to catch up. I want to do everything and go everywhere. I want to embrace life after I’ve slowly discovered myself and have walked into the light. I’m seen.

I’ll never judge the invisible ones. I’ll never judge the visible ones. I just think there’s a time and place for everything. Try not to waste too much time asking yourself why things are the way they are and work on figuring out how to become what you want to be deep inside. Choose your company accordingly.

Deep inside I wanted to be visible but couldn’t admit it. Now I am visible and the sights and sounds are positive and vibrant. I can’t believe I can see him as easily as he can see me. It’s yellow and it’s right. It’s obvious and it’s clear. It shouldn’t be confusing or negative. It should be beautiful and bright.

Endings?

I’ve had a million beginnings.

Once upon a time there was a little girl. She only cared for purple and had a lovely lady watch over her. She’d tell her stories at night, so the little girl learned how to dream. They were mostly fairy tales. She started to dream. She wanted to dance, sing and get all the attention that these perfect princesses seem to naturally attract. Mandy was quiet but had dreams hidden inside. Boys never liked her, she was too strong and big for them. She’d hope there would be at least one that would come and play. He never showed.

Once upon this other time she was a teenage girl. She started to grow an interest for books, strange words, unique sounds and other weird creatures. Her loneliness made her creative. She completely forgot about the little boy that wouldn’t play with her. She was too young to remember. There were a couple of boys she fancied but they chose other girls and our dearest Mandy stood alone again. This one would be harder to forget.

Once upon any other time Mandy was in her mid twenties. She wasn’t just looking for love this time. Somewhere along the way she got distracted and lost her soul. She was looking for both now. She started with the soul first since she figured that’d be pretty useful for everything else. After trying really really hard, she found neither.

Once upon many other times our girl was tired and a few years older than before. She didn’t have a soul, she hadn’t found love but she did have a restless heart. It wouldn’t leave her alone. Here she was again, as usual, alone.

Once upon another time, she’s 30. She’s never known love. She’s the sun and recently found a moon. He doesn’t believe love exists. She likes him but isn’t sure if this is yet another perfect opportunity to be left stranded as usual in the middle of nowhere with barely enough water to survive. She running out of bandages to mend her broken heart. When will there be any sort of ending? A girl needs closure.

I guess sometimes we aren’t supposed to understand.

Once upon the perfect time…