Forgotten

My roommate and good friend just unexpectedly moved out of what he frequently called home. He fell in love, got his heart broken and couldn´t take things not working out the way he had expected. It truly has been shocking to watch. I recently had my heart broken as well but decided to move on with my life in spite of the ache. Comparison is useless but my point is that we need to remember what unfortunately easily becomes forgotten. As soon as I stop drowning in what has just happened to me, I remember what I had forgotten. I start to remember how strong I am, how I can get through anything and how it could be much worse. Some people let us go and we feel undervalued, unloved. Nothing could be further from the truth. Just because someone rejects us or chooses not to be with us, does not mean we are worth less than we actually are; this is very important to remember.

When our heart is broken, our judgment is clouded…but then that voice whispers what we had forgotten into our subconscious. It´s important we remember what we so easily forget. Today I felt sad and then I remembered how important it is to do what I love and what I´m good at. If I´m feeling blue but doing nothing that makes me happy, how real is the pain to begin with? We have to push ourselves to take the files that have been forgotten and remember their existence is there to help us. On my file I find teaching, writing, reading, singing, listening to music, walking, learning something new, and spending time with loved ones. Whenever I´m having a hard time, that space should be replaced with what I love and then instead of feeling sorry, I feel happy and grateful to get to do what I love.

If we´re not willing to help ourselves, who will? I will never know why we tend to be negative and allow ourselves to dig a whole knowing it will take us nowhere but further from the light. What´s forgettable can easily save our lives. If we do not make an effort to remember what we have forgotten, we let go of our valuable lives and the dreams found within them. 

My good friend decided to ignore what we easily forget. He decided not to see what was created to be remembered. It´s ok if we forget who we are or what we hold dear, but it’s never ok to leave it forgotten and abandoned. Forgetting frustrates me but I always find a way to remember and be back on track. I beg of you to please remember. Don´t allow the dark side of your mind to take over your life and its dreams. Life was not created to be hidden from it; it was created to be lived…even if it hurts; and that should never be forgotten.

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Worth

It´s easy to get off track; it´s easy to want something and forget what it´s all really about. I hold my life very dear and I find it annoying when I´m the one that forgets how precious and worthy it is. When someone disrespects us, we allow it to happen. I´ve put myself in a situation I don´t like but then I remember my worth and all the beautiful colors and shapes my life carries in its pockets and I remember. I love to write, I love to sing, I love to listen and observe. I love to teach and I love to evolve. I love to read and I love to grow in the most unlikely circumstances.

They insert a chip inside our brains saying we cannot possibly end up alone or there is clinically something wrong with us. I was raised in a conservative society where judgment was strong. As much as I like to believe I´ve broken free from the cage, the strong energy belonging to the constraining environment I grew up in, cripples inside my brain now and then. I have to remind myself constantly of who I am and what I truly believe in. Yes, I have made mistakes but never big enough not to keep being myself and knowing there´s nothing wrong.

I wish romance was as easy as friendship. When it comes to attracting friends, I´m a pro and I feel really lucky to have the friends that I do; past present and even future. No matter what I`m going through, I have loved ones reminding me how valuable and wonderful I am, I do not take it for granted.

I´ve felt lonely lately and that´s OK. I´m tired of resisting what is. I thought I could beat myself to death asking myself whether I´ve done something wrong or not. I used to wonder if I was good enough. And then I look at myself honestly and I clearly see my worth. I still wonder what drives us to forget our worth; what drives us to question who we are and what we deserve.

I know I´m complex and my life has been an unconventional one. But at the end of the day, I never want to be the person that plays the victim but instead survives and comes out better and stronger no matter what. It´s easier said than done, but the more I believe who I want to be, the more likely I´ll become her. I do feel I´m on my way and I hope I get to be who I´ve always wanted to be soon enough. And until then, I´m happy with who I am; with or without you.

As my good friend Nick would say, remember what is worth your time and what isn´t and when it´s not, let it go…as simple as that.

Not one or the other

I am the queen of mistakes. I’m also the queen of drama. I’m the queen of complicated and my crowns go on and on. I moved to L.A when I was 19 thinking I’d make it as a recording artist. When I realized how hard it was, I ran away. I came back to this third world country and hated it. I realized soon enough I had made a horrible mistake that I could not undo. Then I had the opportunity to go to a really good college but decided it wasn’t for me and studied random interests instead. Later I realized it was a mistake. I ran away again and moved to Buenos Aires. I thought it would be perfect and when it wasn’t I ran back home again. I’ve been brave, and I’ve been weak. I took a chance and also changed my mind constantly.

Am I brave or am I weak? I am neither, I am both. It doesn’t matter what I am or am not. We try to define what we are and we are too many things; never meant to be labeled. I thought I had to know whether something had been a mistake or not. Nothing really should be a mistake. Maybe a mistake was supposed to happen and then instantly its existence is no longer defined as a mistake but as what was meant to be. I do think we tell ourselves everything happens for a reason to make us feel better. What’s wrong with that? We should do anything and everything to make ourselves feel better. When something makes us feel horrible, not allowing it to bring us down is healthy. It’s ok to feel sad but it’s not ok to let it control our lives.

I am one thing and then I become its complete opposite. I know what I want but that doesn’t mean I’ll get it. Life was never meant to be understood, simply lived. Experiences are imprinted in our souls and we cannot construct a cage around us by trying to define what we are. I am not one thing, I am not the other either. I am many things and their shape, color, texture and melody changes constantly. Try not to fit into the box on purpose. Then, and only then, will your life start to be as amazing as you had hoped it would be.

Piece of the puzzle

I wake up and my mind starts to scan for thoughts. It immediately turns to you and frustration takes a hold of me. Then it comes, the light. I cannot control you or anybody else at that. Just because you choose to live a life I don’t agree with does not mean I should too. I want to control that which was created to be controlled. All I can manage is what I have. Endless amount of time has gone into asking myself why it is the way it is. What I did not know before was that the result of that energy spent was pointless. I will never know why so many have disappointed me, it’s not my job to know why; it’s my job to work on becoming better with every passing experience.

I want a healthy and beautiful body. I want to be the best teacher I can be. I want to go to school to actually learn and grow, not to pass a class. I want to feel beautiful. I want to sing and I want to write. I want to dress in many colors or maybe black and white. I want to be the kind of person that inspires others to be happy. All of these things I can control by trying my best. When it comes to others, I can accept them as they are and know that every single soul that has crossed my path has had a purpose. Yes, I’ve been hurt; but wallowing in a reality that brings pain doesn’t allow me to move on with my life.

I wake up and I try to remind myself what I can and can’t control. Just because you’re there, doesn’t mean you get to spread into every single area of my life. Just because I feel lonely doesn’t mean other parts of the puzzle aren’t as precious or important. I cherish my life and I do not like it when I think I have a right to look down on it just because someone didn’t cherish it enough to be a part of it. Maybe I cannot see it now but his piece of the puzzle would not have fit into the big picture anyhow. That’s why I have to stop trying to make a piece fit when there are other pieces ready to be a part of the beautiful picture of my life. Yes, I wish you would have been a piece of the puzzle but I know that when it fits, it fits. When it doesn’t, you cannot force it. Make sure the pieces of your puzzle make sense and fit perfectly. Once you have a clear view of the image that is coming together, you’ll be glad you didn’t force it.

If only…

I wish I could make you love me. I wish I didn’t feel as intensely as I do. Is this the greatest blessing or the greatest curse? I cannot seem to be able to stop the crying and yet, deep inside, I know that it’s just life happening and there’s absolutely nothing I can do about it. I met him and I didn’t even know. If only I had known he was gonna leave me like this. Indifference can kill me slowly and miserably. If only I could let it go. I wish I could learn how to change and move on. I wish I knew how to cope with the feeling that overwhelms me without a warning.

I wish I could make you love me but then again, should I? If I know I’m worthy of love, I should know that if someone cannot love me, then maybe he’s not worthy of the precious love I have to give. This is much easier said than done. I wish I could easily put into practice what I preach. If only I could get through this knowing that it will be OK again and that I will love again. Why is it so easy to forget? I wish we could remind ourselves how this too shall pass. But no, I’m inside a glass full of water and I’m drowning as if I were the only person in the world that has ever gone through a heartbreak. I guess his absent broken heart makes mine ache even more than it normally would.

If only I could rise above the drama and let it go. If only I could have someone to love for once. I guess it could be something that I’m doing or that I’m not doing. For now, I’m not getting what I want and all I can do is force myself, against my will, to believe that it will be OK and that somewhere somehow there is someone who will not only love me but  will do it the right way. I’m not asking for perfect, I’m asking for passion and commitment and not an ounce of doubt in both our hearts.