Where’s the sense?

Everything is felt when I breathe. Everything you do is remembered. You let me go, it felt as though you let me go easily. You forgot about me. I moved on but haven’t really forgotten.

Mistakes have been made; mistakes are trying to define me. They haunt me whenever I have free time. Regrets love to show up and ruin my good fortune of forgetting.

In my youth, I had no idea. I don’t know how I could have been so clueless. I don’t know how I could not have known better.

Love’s absence has become as much a part of me as my jet black hair. My hair has made happier though, freer.

Hopelessness is trying to take over. It takes away my voice, my vision, almost my passion. It reminds me how little I’ve accomplished even if it seems to be plenty to an outsider.

I’m afraid horrible thinking habits will become an unbreakable pattern.

As I form these words, I feel confused. Confused by being uncertain for so long. I know it’s not so, but almost everyone floating around me seems to know more than what I was told. They get to live a life and I feel paused.

I always try to write a positive twist in, but today I’m not sure. I’m also good at making things darker than they actually are and I’m not sure I will do that either. The urge to give up seems easier, more logical. I wish my restless heart could give up on that which does not seem to be given to me. I wish I could give to my heart, it truly means well.

I wish to never become utterly hopeless. It can always get worse, I could officially be depressed. I could officially let the darkness settle in and take a seat in my crazy, overactive brain.

Friends left, family left, he left, expectations left, even I left myself. I’m trying to come back but haven’t found a way to do that anymore. I have tried to make the right choices but I guess I thought I’d be somewhere else than where I am.

The end of the year slaps me in the face. It always tries to make me over think and I don’t appreciate it. I never truly feel as though I’ve succeeded. When will it end? When will it make more sense? When will the expectations match some sort of reality? Should I let go? Should I hold on? Should I be hopeless or hopeful? I honestly do not know anymore.

I want to not care, I want nothing. I want you but I don’t want to want you. I feel tired. I’m very tired. I guess something will unfold, good or bad. In the meantime, I’ll remain. I’ll breathe. All I can do is wait, breathe and maybe something will make some sense. Some sort of sense.

Good thing

We’ve been programmed to think something is good or bad. We’ve been programmed to label. This is something I still struggle with. I still want to be labeled, as odd as that might seem. I still want to be what is expected from me. I still want approval from my very accomplished older brother.

I never truly feel thin enough, pretty enough, young enough or almost anything enough. That’s OK.

This past year has been, by far, one of the most unpredictable years of my life. Mostly good, maybe bad. This isn’t a complaint. What is is what I want. I’ve grown to love this concept.

I got a job as a writer and photographer, and later in the year I sort of lost it. I started off the year in love, fell out of love. I looked for another love in all the wrong and right places and it left me drained and lonely. I started off the year thinner than I am now. My hair wasn’t as pretty as it is now and I used to have roommates where now I live happily alone. I had amazing, trusting friends, whereas now…they are gone. Some hurt me, some didn’t. I sang a lot and it made me smile…I then was briefly silenced by illness. I danced and didn’t care what people thought as much as I used to. I also got a global job that has opened endless amounts of opportunities.

As I said before, a lot happened. And this was just a little bit of the many things that happened. A couple of weeks ago, I decided I was going to hide out and take a little break from the world. From the outside, it would seem I’m sad or in mourning or maybe even depressed. I truly don’t believe that’s the care. I was thinking how maybe I’m giving up. Giving up on love, my dreams, my expectations, and my life. But, again, I don’t think so. I am trying not to be overly emotional and make whatever decisions are right at this very moment. I am still trying to figure it out.

I am easily hard on myself and think how “most people” have already sorted it out by now. So what? This is exactly my point. Nothing matters as much as they’ve told us. Don’t give up but let go. There is an enormous difference between giving up and surrendering. Surrender to whatever you believe in. Surrender to the idea that things aren’t perfect and that they might never be. Surrender and know that it’s acceptable not to know. Let it come to you instead of chasing it around.

So, I might not be at the best point in my life, but I am more accepting than I thought I ever could be. And it might seem like I’m giving up but I’m not. I’m surrendering and that’s a good thing. I’m letting go and that’s a good thing. I’m letting it be and that is a very good thing.

Finally

The pain no longer scares me. I stand alone, I stand lonely and I’m not afraid. The plans changed once again and I’m finally fine with it. If everything falls apart maybe it’s supposed to.

They teach us to fear loneliness. They teach us to always want more. If you do not have it all or at least trying to get it all, happiness isn’t an option. The concepts have been engrained deeply. The lies have been told so many times and in such a convincing way, it makes it difficult to go against them.

I do still crave, I still desire. There are still many things undone but I’m no longer willing to suffer. And better yet, I’m no longer going to let it get in my way.

I have been let down by creatures I never knew would. I have been unloved and loved. I have experienced many emotions…and they no longer hurt. They are no longer an excuse. I have finally let go. I have not yet figured it out and I’m not there yet…but I am letting go. Holding on is a full time job and I quit.

Everybody surrounds me, they don’t understand. And those that do understand cannot stand by me. I know it’s not personal but it’s still surprising. We were born to bond…that’s difficult to shake.

I got ready for myself. If the mask was on, I had to go out and impress someone else. Now I wear what I wear for myself…I do whatever feels right in the moment. I’m trying to build something. I don’t know what I’m building but it’s something and even if I’m blindfolded, I have to try and build this. I don’t have much to go on but I’m finally finding some sort of strength that is yelling to keep going.

I got lost and finally decided not to fear it. I thought that by getting I would certainly get found, I didn’t. But instead I’ve learned to coexist with myself and my very haunting mind. It makes life bright; it can also make it dark. But as dark as it gets, the hope always wins. Even when there’s a reason to give up and even the will to do so, I won’t…I can’t.

I’ve finally arrived to a place I no longer fear. The path is unknown but the better my choices, the more the path forms itself in front of me. I must blindly follow it, even when I can’t see it.

Ask enough

We don’t ask enough. I’ve been wanting to sing. I don’t play an instrument yet, so I must depend on musicians. I haven’t completely used my ability to ask. I haven’t asked enough where to find these instrument players.

I want to become a better writer, so I must write. If I feel there’s something to discover, I should ask and explore. It’s easy to remain silent, motionless, stuck. If we could only ask others or even ourselves what we must know, we’d move forward; we’d get answers. I get stuck in the mud easily. I get stuck in the grass too. I am trying to stay away from tricky surfaces that try to pull me in. I shouldn’t wonder why it has been difficult, I should just ask myself what I should be doing and go ahead and do it.

Life is easier when you ask. If we do not ask what we deeply are curious about, what’s the point? We’ll never know. And even if we sometimes do not like the answer, we will have the satisfaction to have asked. It’s better to know.

Regrets are my kryptonite. I waste valuable time thinking of what could have been. I throw time in the trash when I’m wondering if I’m good enough or not. It doesn’t matter. All I have to do is make good art, as Neil Gaiman so obviously states. And if you cannot believe you are wise enough or even good enough, pretend you are.

If you don’t know, ask. If you want to create, create. Life won’t stop for you and you should be grateful it doesn’t. It was created in a unique way. It’s not our job to question it but to do what we were put here to do no matter what unfolds around us. Mistakes will be made, embrace them. Break free from what has been programmed but isn’t so.

I’ve been a confused little child for a long time. Sometimes I forget about being lost and create pretty little things. Then I remember and feel insecure once more.

But now, I’m done.

I ask you to ask yourself what you feel is right. I ask you to follow your calling. It’s ok to leave whatever isn’t for you behind. If it isn’t for you, maybe it belongs to someone else. I still struggle. I’m getting closer to the beautiful mountain at the end of the tunnel but it’s important to always ask yourself if the decisions you are making get you closer or further away from where you want to be.

I will ask myself more often these valuable questions. And if I don’t have the answers, I’ll ask someone else. And if you ask enough, it will be revealed in the end.

I woke up

We believe our dreams because of how they present themselves. Hypothetical situations we don’t question because we can see them happen. We aren’t as doubtful in our dreams because they’re right there. Sure, I can fly. I finally found love, why not? I was once in a hole with clouds, makes sense. Some are from a while ago, others are new; but dreams are timeless, we are timeless.

I had a dream about that guy that plays Neville in Harry Potter. Why him? I don’t know. I had even forgotten his existence. I am fond of dreams that are worth remembering or maybe that are odd enough to make you wonder. So, we were walking with a group of friends somewhere through England. Neville was a total geek. I thought my friend from San Francisco Kelsey liked him…so I asked her what the deal was. I asked and she responded: “Don’t you know how in love with you he is?” I had no idea what she was talking about. We went out to gather with the rest of the group and Neville held my hand. Confused, I didn’t accept it and we kept walking. He kept walking by my side though. He smiled. Then he tried once more to hold my hand and I accepted. It felt right. I remember laughing incessantly; he made me laugh…he made me happy. The others seemed a blur, but they were friends. For an instant he stood behind me and he touched my stomach in a loving way. I did not understand why but later on I realized he was right for me. But I still wasn’t sure if I’d commit to him. We both had to go somewhere. And so, after walking through what looked like a street with shops combined with an airport…we parted ways. He went into the men’s bathroom and I into the women’s. As soon as I walked into the bathroom, it hit me. Yes! I do want to be with him. He’s a geek, but I wanted him to be mine. The joy was unlike anything I’ve felt in “real” life. It made me happy, I lit up. Ready to tell him how I actually felt, I woke up.

Another dream I remember is lions chasing me. I wasn’t too scared but worried. Not only that they’d catch me but also that the lions wouldn’t be happy if they didn’t. As soon as the situation was about to sort itself out, I woke up.

I also dreamt that I was unwillingly pregnant, it was horrific. I didn’t even know how it had happened and the concept was baffling. How could it be? Who’s the father? I woke up.

We were moving somewhere else and I was petrified. Trees constantly appear in my dreams. The place we were moving to had tall trees but no friends. I woke up crying.

One of my favorite dreams was one that inspired me to write beautiful stories. There was adversity, the colors weren’t as bright but they felt whole. I don’t know if that was an actual dream, or a waking dream. I am, after all, a professional daydreamer. I found this calling early on in life and it’s beautiful but also energy and time consuming. The dreaming is interesting, it’s constant, it’s fascinating. And just when I’m about to know more, I wake up.

Just give

I demanded love. I expected it. I thought I deserved it. I do but being entitled is never fair. Not only does it keep good things away, it hurts you. I grew up being very self centered, I still am. But now I want to reach another level. I want to give; I want authentic happiness. I want to be better, I truly do.

After many disappointments, I was contemplating giving up. Then I realized that it’s just as selfish as thinking I should have more than what I do. I want you and when you don’t, I get angry. Then, I convince myself that I don’t want you anymore and become cynical and insecure. I question life. I no longer want to play games, not with you or myself.

I was reminded today of the importance of giving. Not in an obvious way though. The voice has been telling me to work on my art and work on my purpose, on what I love. I have been resisting it because of how I feel. Am I happy enough? Am I good enough? Can I succeed? The problem, once again, became the I. It doesn’t matter if I feel completely ready, willing or confident. What matters is how many people I can reach, how many people I can help, how many people’s pain I can ease, how many people I could even inspire. I write because I want to give. I sing because I want to give, I want to connect. I teach because I want to give and I love because I want to give everything inside of me.

It is crucial to remember the difference between doing what we stubbornly want and what is right. Today I want it to be the last bad day and it can be. It can be because it should never really be just about me. It should be about you, about us and about the stories we can tell, the difference we can make. It’s illogical to think as small when life is endless.

We’re all in this together. We do hurt each other and we’re flawed but if we believe in ourselves as a whole, there is hope. If we find a way to just give and not expect anything in return, we’re saved. The big picture creates a much more beautiful image than a single one can.

This is, unfortunately, easy to forget. But it is impossible to get rid of. We were born to bond and if we sometimes feel we can’t do it for ourselves, then do it for someone else…even if it’s someone you don’t know. It becomes grander and selfless. We get to see and feel life from a higher angle. Give as much as you can and know that it’s the one thing you won’t ever regret.

Concept of happiness

“Never apologize for knowing what you want.”

I jumped the gun. I know what I want and if anything will waste my time, I’m not in. It could have been a mistake, it could not have been.

Happiness isn’t what I thought it would be. After not only feeling disappointed but also becoming it, I’m done. I’m done holding on to what I thought would make me happy. Whenever something is out of reach, I let it go. Whenever someone isn’t sure about me, I’m done.

This is a hard concept to accept. This is hard. Whenever someone would ask me if I was happy, I’d have to have everything figured out to be honest about it. Now, things are as absurd as they’ve always been, but the difference is that I’m done. I’m done caring. Caring too much is the path to disappointment. Not caring enough can be just as bad but a more peaceful path.

More than happiness; I want peace. More than holding on; I want to let go. I cannot live the way I used to. I cannot try to impress others with what I’ve done or haven’t done. Everybody wants to define you, even I do. Whenever I find myself feeling inadequate, I suffer. Whenever I look to someone else to make me happy, they fail me. The never-ending lesson continues to be one of solitude. It’s one where I have to find a way to be happy and enough no matter who surrounds me or where I end up.

The bad ones will hurt you; the good ones will hurt you. I don’t feel hopeless, I feel alone and strong. I feel tired but willing. I no longer enjoy playing the victim card but am still surprised to find everybody to be almost the same as everyone else. I don’t like to blame, I like to understand.

I want to completely change whatever concept of happiness I had. I never want to find myself comparing myself to anyone else. I never want to feel inadequate or insufficient. I want to be my own hero. I want to be strong enough to endure whatever I’m supposed to. And if it gets lonely, man up and know it’s not the end of the world. And if I feel sorry for myself, stop and stare at those who have done it before me and carry on. It’s easy to get caught up in our own little bubble. Yes, we’re grand but only when we become greater than ourselves.

Happiness changes and maybe that is the ultimate goal. It’s not about having it all or getting the guy; it’s about being happy no matter what happens. It’s about understanding that life isn’t perfect but it teaches us and always gives us the opportunity to grow and inspire others to do the same. That’s where I’m at and the only place I truly should crave to be.

Unclaimed dreams

I never knew they were there. I never knew their meaning. All I did was survive and make it through the day. The days were sunny and pretty but I didn’t know what dreams meant. Then someone told me about them but I still wasn’t sure about their worth, I still didn’t understand. Then someone told me I had a voice and I semi believed them. So with a semi belief in myself, I chased a dream that was a monster…a monster I sort of wanted but still wasn’t sure of its existence; I didn’t really want it badly enough.

Then I started to encounter many things I didn’t want. I started to try. Because so many people talked about these so-called dreams, I decided to find one. I tried and failed. I tried and found something else. I met people, some with dreams and some without them. Others hadn’t only found them but held them in their hands. Others knew what their dream was but were empty-handed.

And so, I found out about success. No one had told me about this either. All I was taught was to seize the moment and enjoy life. Funny how this is a dream for many and for me it was a habit. But because I, as almost anyone else, live in a world called society, I started to care about being successful. Turns out I didn’t have much to show for myself and I came from a highly successful family that had a very strict policy not only about success but on how to get there step by step.

I then discovered passion somewhere in the south. I discovered what people look like when they not only find what they love, get to do it but are also passionate about it. Now it wasn’t only about finding and doing it; it was mainly about doing it passionately. These people were the most beautiful creature I had ever seen. They shined and breathed emotion. They enchanted me with their power.

Now I’m in between several worlds. I have tasted several colors and flavors. I have seen more than most. I have gotten very close to pure passion. I have been far away lost in Never-land. I have gone and come back. I find the path but somehow lose track of where I should be.

This time I can see the dream. It’s not specific, but I can feel it. It’s on the shelf waiting for me to read it just as an eager book waits for its reader. This time the desire is pumping out of my chest. This time I know I will get there…I simply don’t know exactly how. But I believe and it’s enough to rest easy. The thoughts escape me and then I must chase them around the forest, collect them and organize them enough to create the beautiful dream that is scattered in my brain. It’s still messy and unclaimed, but it’s mine and it’s beautiful. Soon we will find each other and live the life we’ve slowly created. One I never knew I had dreamed of all along.

Ill

I have never been this sick. The pain numbs my thoughts, the infections is trying to take over my body. Everything moves slowly and my life is at a pause. I had other things to do but my body could not show up. There’s a lot at stake, but when you can’t, you can’t.

It has opened my eyes. I have never really known what it means to be ill. I have always been healthy and when you don’t know, you easily take it for granted.

Walking is a challenge, sleeping comes and goes. Eating isn’t always an option and drinking water has never felt so hard.

I have never felt this way. The weakness reminds me of the strength I use to have.

And it’s only a week and it’s only temporary. People are daily fighting for their lives. They’re enduring the pain without even knowing if they’ll make it through. That blows me away.

To those fighters out there, I feel you. To those survivors, I feel you. To those who endure the pain, I’m with you. It’s amazing what we can endure. It’s incredible what we’re capable of. To those of you who have helped, my endless gratitude.

And if it should teach us anything, is that life is precious, life is short and we must do what we love, surround ourselves by those who matter and be our own best friends. Try to help others and remember this too shall pass. One way or another, it will pass.