You were there

You were in my dream last night, almost everyone else was there. I remember feeling neglected by you and talking to someone else and then you grabbed my hand forcefully and pulled me aside. At first, I was happy feeling like you cared and you did. And then you started yelling at me, you were really mad. You said: “You don´t get to control this, you don´t get to choose the order in which this happens or how you get to know me.” Also, “why are you sending me pictures of rings and wedding dresses, that´s not you!” You looked me in the eyes and this anger was frustration because I was ruining it. I was trying to control something as uncontrollable as love. You were as beautiful as ever and as difficult as it was to endure, you being mad at me made me happy. You cared enough to tell me. You actually talked to me and in that moment, I knew I was wrong and that I could make it right.

I woke up and it made me sad, not seeing you anymore. I miss you. But it opened my eyes to what I’m trying to do, control. Whatever has to happen will and I mustn’t forget that.

I miss you and because I do, I am trying to control what is not in my power. You let go and I don’t know how. I do not want to feel sorry; I do not want to regret this. Some days I wish we wouldn’t have met, other days I wish I could forget and have the eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. But then I realize how the struggles force us to grow.

Let’s say that in this dream I find myself in a river and I have to swim in order to survive. I do not know how I got there but that’s where I am. Do I ask myself why I’m in the river or do I just swim? I swim and after I survive, I realize how strong I am. I never knew I could possibly have the strength to go through the struggle until I actually do. And I know that the struggles I’ve had have had a reason. I want to be able to help others with their struggles and how could I possibly help them if I don’t know what it feels like?

You were in my dream last night and I learned about myself and love. It also made me realize how hard a broken heart aches but that’s OK. When someone reaches out to me searching for comfort and understanding, I will certainly know how to help. If they tell me their nightmares are haunting them, I will smile knowing it will be fine and that I’ve been there. If you can’t go through the struggle for yourself, do it for others. Maybe the purpose of the pain is to make us all be more connected.

I saw you in my dream and you were lovely and you were honest.

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Send it elsewhere

This is something from about a year ago. I still believe and feel it.

Last night I saw a guy I have a huge crush on. The thing about me crushing on someone is that it’s dangerous simply because I love stories. I start to wonder what he’d say if I come over and flirt. Or what he’d say if he came over only to reveal his utter belief in love at first sight. I easily lose my mind and fall into a hole of dysfunction. I started to think of all the times I took a chance and got burned. It hurt. And instead of dwelling on my failure, I wondered. Where does all the love we feel but is never corresponded go? I truly hope there’s a beautiful place for it…where whatever you want, you get. A place that is not here, but elsewhere; a place where passion and expression is taken care of and never rejected or hurt.

It just pains me to think of someone loving wholeheartedly and not getting anything in return. Maybe if we knew of a place where that love belongs, then we could breathe easier and simply let it be. Believe you me; there’s nothing I know less or more than love. I can easily tell you I believe one thing and completely contradict it tomorrow.

Even the letting go is excruciating. Why? Because how do you let go without giving up completely? How do you try without appearing desperate? Those who have it easy are freaks of nature and I’m not even sure if I’d like to be that. The only thing that’s helped me cope with unreturned love is not addressing any attention to it. Not making it bigger in my head and always knowing (even when I feel like I can’t) that it exists and it’ll happen when it’s supposed to. Anyhow, that’s not the point of this.

The point is that whenever you give love or have feelings you do not know what to do with and don’t feel as if it’s right to act on it…send it elsewhere. The only way I can think of is in any other area of your life. Give it to kids that always appreciate authentic love. Give it to your mother. Give it to someone who’s having a terrible day or maybe a friend that’s always there for you. It’s ridiculous, but I’ve been giving my all at my job, (even if it’s not perfect) to my loved ones and it’s as if I’m loving myself and feeling amazingly great by doing so. That’s all that matters. Wondering when you’ll be loved is in some twisted way pushing it away. Being selfish about love is an oxymoron. And I know how hard it can be; especially when we were programmed to crave for two instead of one. That’s all I know today.

And if all fails, just think of somewhere pretty where the love given, without even a smile in return, goes. A place where heart shaped flowers grow. Kisses happen without any agenda hidden in the lips. A place anyone would rejoice to float in. That makes me smile and feel better instantly.

It’s not you, it’s love

I have had the hardest time getting over you. I am hurt and mad at you. I never heard from you and not knowing why has killed me softly. I have been torn and not sure if I should erase you from my mind. Something won’t allow me to completely eliminate you, I like you. I think you’re an OK guy that’s afraid of love and that’s that. I just saw your picture and it hit me, it’s not you, it’s love. I’m not hurt or mad at anyone but at something. It’s something that’s inside me that I cannot let go of. Love hasn’t been what I have expected it to be and I feel hurt by that. No human being is capable, especially you, of hurting like this. We each have a life and our filters are altered by our very own experiences and colors.

You haven’t done anything wrong but live your life the best way you know how. It’s not you, it’s love that I’m mad at. I guess it’s just easier when we have a face and a soul to blame for our pain and loneliness. You needed distance to move on with your life and there isn’t more to it than that. I saw your picture and it didn’t melt my heart, it actually reminded me of things I didn’t like about you. I did not like how you took me for granted and couldn’t really see me. It reminded me how you never invited me to go with you under the sun.

Yes, you kissed me and it was wonderful but it wasn’t enough. I know I want it all and more but maybe that’s not such a bad thing. The absence of love is hard but knowing where the pain comes from is reassuring. You never really cared that much and that shouldn’t hurt me, it is what it is. Your life is about what you’re doing and not what you’re feeling. Someday you will have to face your emotions and I hope you can cope. I deal with my emotions because I’d rather do it now and not have a midlife crisis when I’m older.

As painful as it is, I would much rather go through the pain sooner rather than later. I want to forgive love. I do not want to be angry anymore and because I know me, I know I’ll find a way out of this and I will be happy and you will see my happiness but only from a distance. Because when I do meet the right guy, I want him to not only love my beautiful mess but I want him to be a part of it without a doubt. I am done being upset at you because it’s not you at all, it’s love. Love is a powerful force and I know that I will somehow figure it all out and it will all make sense in the end. And I hope you find a way to melt your icy heart. I cannot care about you, I can only care about me. I just have to separate your face from love’s. Your face has nothing to do with love.

It’s not you, it’s love.

Dying

Some days I feel like I’m going to die. I get an urge to tell those that I love how much they mean to me as if the end was near. I’m actually running out of time. Aren’t we all? As crazy as it sounds, I don’t think it’s that insane. But then I look at so many around me, especially men…they don’t like it when I say everything I feel or when I’m impulsive and have these urges to be open with my heart. To them, I’m a basket case. It really doesn’t matter except when it hurts like Hell and I end up not getting what I want, love. I remember each and every guy that has hurt or disappointed me and I still cannot seem to shake off the feeling that I’m dying. By some sort of miracle I still believe there will be a guy who appreciates how I seize the moment and he will do the same with me. But so far, they don’t get me. Lately I’ve realized this is the problem. Most guys don’t get me and it’s important that they do. I know how peculiar I can be, but not so much so that no one gets me. My friends and family seem to embrace my insanity and I truly do not take it for granted.

Not saying how I feel seems almost impossible. I know I am easily misunderstood but it shouldn’t be that hard. If someone doesn’t get me, they shouldn’t get to be in my life. I seem to hold on to those that do not appreciate me and this is something that must change. I know my heart and I know how much love it has.

I’m dying and I do need others to survive the living but I guess I just have to wait until someone knows that we are all dying too and that life is too short to waste. Each and every moment is precious and I cannot find another way to be. And in spite of all the pain, I know it’s worth it to be the way I am. I don’t know how or why but I just know that the day will come where I will be understood; not just by him but by many.

So if you know that we’re dying and cannot seem to hold it in, don’t. Surround yourself by those that seize the moment and aren’t intimidated by your fearlessness. The fears in my heart belong to someone else. When I am truly honest, I know how to be and I mustn’t forget that. Against all odds, I will continue to be myself and I encourage everyone else to do the same. When I say that we’re dying, it’s just a reminder of how important it is to live and live passionately.

What you never said

You’re usually in San Francisco even though you might live in Colorado. The color of your eyes change; depends on the day and the light. All the things you never said are engraved in my mind, as real as you. You can’t help but love me because of how unique I am. We go to all sorts of places, our friends are great. When you look at me, I am no longer troubled because there’s nothing to worry about.

Tomorrow we might go to another perfect place and we dress similarly. You never knew you could love like this. I always knew you were the one, even if it took you a while to recognize who I was.

This time I can’t remember where we are, but I remember you. I forgive you for taking so damn long to find me here. You almost didn’t make it on time. I’ll never forget when you didn’t say how you loved us because the world stopped when we were together and because our love wasn’t perfect but real and real was meant to last forever.

I don’t know why I want you in this world so much. Maybe because this is where I have to spend most of my time or maybe because I can remember what happens here more than there. I want you here, I’m selfish like that.

You never said you loved me but Imagination told me you did and I believed her. Imagination is an old friend that has given me great joy, how could I not trust her? She gets to talk to you and create beautiful moments I cannot seem to forget. Yes, I miss what I haven’t seen in this world but I’m hoping that if it’s in my head, it will soon be in my hands.

I remember what you never said and I’ll never forget. And when you’re here, I’ll be grateful because I knew; and for now that’s enough. Until then, I will never forget what you never said because it’s as real as the air I can touch.

Perception

We forget how different we are from each other. We’re connected but how we perceive our world makes all the difference in the world. It’s absurd to be offended when someone doesn’t act the way we expect them to…he or she perceives the world in a way we will never know. We shouldn’t try to understand why they do what they do, but instead know that we weren’t created to know their perception and simply understand how everyone’s outlook is different. I am reading about Alfred Adler. I don’t know much but what I have been able to understand is that he believes that we cannot take anyone’s word for what happened because the same thing could happen to two people and their experience can be completely different and have a different impact in their lives.

Why then do we expect to understand why others act in a certain way when we could never understand? I find this fascinating. This is why psychology is so interesting, it explains why we are how we are and even helps you cope. I like how Adler’s purpose is to help you become more empathetic. It has even helped me feel better about a recent heartbreak. Thinking I have a right to be upset at someone because they don’t act in a way I think is best has become a bad habit. But what do I know? It’s not an excuse because I know what I deserve, but all I should know is that the person’s perception is an unknown world to me and his world and mine cannot coexist for the time being.

Whenever something doesn’t work out with someone it’s important to remember how unique their perception is. It’s important to remember that every person’s perception is influenced by their own experiences, therefore creating a unique way of seeing and dealing with the eventualities of life. My truth is different from yours and from anyone else’s. This was groundbreaking because I do tend to expect people to get me and act in a way that makes sense to me. In the end, I want to meet someone who gets me, loves me and doesn’t hurt me. All I have to do is find someone with a perception similar to mine but never expecting it to be exactly the same because that is clearly impossible. Siblings are the perfect example. Siblings can be very similar and be raised in the same way but their perception can be so different that their lives can end up being opposites.

Perception is everything and the next time someone does something you don’t understand, just know they don’t know anything but their own perception. Just find someone whose perception mixes well with yours and you’re set. In the end, it’s not what happens to you but how you deal with what happens to you what matters most.

Concepts

When I graduated High School I had no idea who I was or what I wanted to do. I did know I was inadequate and different from anyone else in my class. I also knew I didn’t like the concepts I had learned in school and liked even less the ones I found in college. I chose a career that others thought would make sense for me. After one semester, against all odds, I decided I didn’t want what everyone else wanted. Some sort of bravery or stupidity came over me. Choosing the unconventional path can be great but very challenging; especially when I didn’t know how to be unconventional. It felt as though I had woken up and had forgotten how to walk and had to learn all over again. I had been taught by society how to be and how to think and having to start a life I knew nothing about was strange. The concepts of who you’re supposed to be are programmed into your brain and I have found them quite haunting.

I think some concepts work and others shouldn’t even exist. Everything is relative because the concept of marriage can be wonderful but it is not for everyone. I constantly ask myself whether I truly believe in something or if I believe it because I’m supposed to believe in it. The concepts I ran away as a teenager have come back to try to catch me. Age is a strong concept and everything and everyone reminds me of age as I get older. The thing about age is that you can’t feel it. I am 28 and the concepts are trying to tell me how old I am and how I should have done certain things by now. This is a concept I don’t believe in and yet I can feel it.

I want to be free of anything that doesn’t make me happy. I want to believe in the concept of letting it be. Yes, I ran away from what was expected of me…but why does that have to be a bad thing? At the time, I did what my heart and soul told me to do. I should be as proud of that as I would be if I would have graduated with honors. People need proof of what they have accomplished. I cannot prove what I have learned but I can feel it and that should be enough. I do not want to live according to other people’s rules. I know I live in this world and there are certain concepts I must follow but I want to do it for the right reasons, to gain the knowledge to help others and encourage them to create their own path. At 28 I decided to go back to school and start from scratch…it’s been interesting. Because many others have concepts of what you should and shouldn’t do or be, I throw them off. My life is upside down and my initial reaction is thinking this is a bad thing but I cannot imagine it any other way. And this is very difficult to admit but true nonetheless. This beautiful mess has made me, me. I just wish the pain wasn’t so lonely at times.

Fear is the ultimate enemy. Whenever I care for concepts I know I don’t believe in, it’s fear. Whenever I fear my mistakes have interfered with what was meant to be, it’s fear. This is a concept I don’t believe in and don’t ever want to believe in. We must choose between fear and love every single day of our lives. The choice should be a no brainer and have that be the concept we repeatedly believe in.

On a clear day

Work out, eat healthy, good thinking, kindness, understanding, a little craziness and expression makes a good day. Getting over someone or something is one of the hardest things to experience. Then, unexpectedly, the day comes when you feel good again and you smile harder because you won’t take it for granted. When in Hell, you have to keep going. Unfortunately Hell is intense and doesn’t allow you to remember that ‘this too shall pass’ and then, against all odds, the light comes out again and it never looked as beautiful as it does now. The light shines deeper, art is accentuated by more of its own beauty, music’s melody sounds sweeter and peace becomes the most precious asset to possess. Life seems greater. Why? Because it is; the struggles inevitably hold lessons hidden inside their pain. The question is whether or not you’ll see it.

The clarity brought by a good day after the struggle is a miracle. I have had a hard time letting go of absolutely everything and anything. I have concepts in my head of what it should be like and letting go has been nearly impossible. An acute sensitivity to my surroundings made experiences in my youth stick. They are so stuck, I cannot shake them out. The Devil gladly helps the concepts stick so that I won’t see what’s really there; life without any labels, rules or definitions. I catch myself thinking or acting in ways I know aren’t me, not the real me at least. I catch those little demons whispering ideas of insecurity and worry into my subconscious and the degree of absurdity of what they say would make anyone laugh and cry simultaneously; that’s how absurd it is.

On a clear day I feel grateful for getting to live. I don’t question anything; not the mistakes or the pain that’s been suffered. Energy isn’t wasted but used. I don’t worry about an unknown future, as if someone guaranteed it would all work out and all I have to do is enjoy the ride. Why can’t we trick our minds into doing just that? Live. And if you happen to have more or less, at any given time, it wouldn’t matter because you already have a piece of paper saying it will all work out perfectly.

Tristan and I always say how feeling the way we do is a blessing and a curse. But when I look at those that are neither blessed nor cursed I realize how that adds up to nothing in the end. Yes, we suffer and feel intensely but on a clear day such as today, I get to feel the heart and the beauty of life. I get to see and be inside the glow of anything that was meant to shine. Words escape me at times but feelings never do. I know how wonderful this feels and that’s why I will never be fine with those who choose fear instead of love. The dimensions your life can reach when you open your eyes are timeless. I don’t know much but, on a clear day, this I know for sure.

Help!

I need somebody, maybe even myself. I need a book or maybe a good cup of coffee. We go through events in life where we forget to ask for help or to help ourselves. I can waste time checking Facebook when I should be writing or reading. Every little decision makes a difference in how we feel. I watch TV all day instead of working out and then I feel like crap and think I get to complain? I’ve learned to stop. And now I’m at the point where help is necessary. My dysfunctional habits and I no longer get along…a marriage gone wrong and I am ready for a divorce. Loved ones help more than words can say. Knowing that they understand and that I’m not alone is bliss. Life feels heavy when we feel alone. And I am not, most of us aren’t.

Even if you feel you don’t have anyone, you still have yourself. I have a dear friend that went through Hell by herself and kept going until she found the light again. If we’re alive, we have somebody. Doing it alone is much harder, but never impossible. Besides, now a day you can get help in support groups and even online. I know the globalization has made us feel lonelier, but it’s because of how we use the technology. If you use it the right way, it can be an amazing opportunity to find what you’re looking for.

I believe in therapy, even if things are fine. Life was built in a confusing way, challenging at times. I know it’s not my place to know it all but I can get help in figuring it out, have peace above all.

Help! I need somebody…even if the help is simply being kinder to myself and others. Just admitting that we want help is a huge step. Get help, help yourself, be the help for others. I had the hardest time arriving where I am emotionally. I still have no clue what it’s all about or why it’s gone the way it has. But what I can do is help myself know that it can be beautiful just the way it is. And if I start to treat my days kinder, the months will be nicer and the years will be a blissful experience.

Good & Bad

Sometimes we choose what is bad for us. Sometimes we fall for those who hurt us. Sometimes we destroy ourselves with our minds and think it’s OK. It is not. The good and the bad should be distinguished easily. The good and the bad should never become one. I have fallen for wrong guys. I have hurt myself with food and dysfunctional thinking. I have chosen to look away when the hurting happens and then wake up to find that I’m bleeding and then all my energy must go into healing. We are the sum of our decisions. We are what we decide to be. Life will hurt sometimes but how long it lasts is up to us. Why do I keep forgetting that? Why do some of us hurt more than others? I am sensitive to how you look at. I remember every single glance, every single word. And once the experience decides to cease its existence, I replay it in my head over and over again. Memories that never happened start to play in my head, wishful thinking. I hope for the job of my dreams, the love of my life and everything happening exactly the way I think it should.

When my expectations don’t meet my reality, I start to dig a hole and my coping mechanism starts to get out of control, I become someone else. When I become someone else, I get needy, insecure and stupid and start believing concepts I know deep inside are not true. When it comes to something as uncontrollable as love, I’m screwed. When it comes to heartbreak, I feel clueless as to how to feel better; I’m done.

It will be OK somehow, I tell myself. I watch Isabel and she inspires me. She controls nothing and lets it be. That’s what I want. I want to let go of my life as if it’s not even mine. I want to pretend as if all I have to do is live it and create the big picture only with the moment at hand, piece by piece. It’s when I hold on to what should be or shouldn’t be that I forget the difference between the good and the bad. I want to look at the good in everyone and everything and let go of the bad or anything that serves no purpose in my life. Hearts are fragile and stubborn, at least mine is but they can heal and love again, trust again. This is a reminder to myself of how good can win and that, in the end somehow, it will.