Prove it

I have known the believers and the non-believers. I’ve met amazing people on both sides and horrible people on both sides as well. When religion goes against something or someone you hold dear, it can tarnish the whole experience. My gay friends tend to be very anti religious. I completely understand why. The very religious kind of people tend to frown upon many things I believe to be right. It is a very gray are. I recently watched Contact; what a wonderful movie! Jodie Foster’s character is the easiest to love and yet she does not believe in a greater power because it can’t be proven, she says. Matthew McConaughey’s character, who is very spiritual,  asks her if she loved her father and she replies “of course.” Then he says: “prove it.”

It shouldn’t be about doing what they tell you to do or not believing in this or that. I believe you can be completely spiritual and scientific. I believe there can be a middle ground. Extremist do not help the cause though. Nobody can simply agree to respect each other and let it be.

And as much as I love all my friends and family, I have come to the conclusion that for me, believing is always better than not believing. The emptiness that can come from thinking that you’re alone and hopeless is unnecessary. The happiest people I know are believers. The thing about most of the non-believers is that they do not care that much about being happy; their priorities are different. That’s why it’s important to know what is important to you and then live according to that. Being happy is one of my greatest priorities and that’s why I know that having faith is the best way to go. Maybe others rejoice in simply being. I truly want to respect the differences. What I will never support is hate or disrespect. Now that is something I can prove is dysfunctional and unnecessary.

I cannot prove the love I feel in my heart or why I believe in a greater power. That’s why I love faith and always will. I love not having control over absolutely everything, it humbles me. I know what I believe in and I will not prove it because I don’t have to. If something is real and honest, then there’s no need to prove absolutely anything. Those that need proof aren’t truly sure of what they believe in; that I truly believe. And I feel comfort in knowing I was not meant to know it all or prove what I know in my heart to be the truth.

Hearts desire

It sneaks up from nowhere. The infamous redhead says: “What I want is not to want what isn’t mine.” That has been one of my favorite quotes since always. Wanting what I can’t have seems to be a never-ending cycle with nowhere as its destination. And then there’s the desire towards me that I do not know what to do with. The ones that want me and I cannot seem to find a way to want back. It happens. Non corresponded love goes around. If only it would be easier to manage. I know how it feels to want something or someone you cannot have. That’s why I find it just as hard when someone wants me and I don’t. The last thing I want is to hurt those that were amazing enough to take a chance on me. If only we could decide what and who we want. The heart wants what it wants.

In the end, I feel grateful. I am in touch with my heart…it is very loyal to me. It can get very lonely but if I know it’s not the real thing, why keep going? I’ve had many experiences witnessing those couples that make sense but aren’t right for each other. It only takes one person to be disconnected from their heart to end up in the wrong relationship. What’s devastating for me is when it’s someone you love and care about. What if you feel deep within that the person they’re with isn’t right but you can’t explain how you know that…you just feel it. You try to explain this to them and they look at you as if you’re insane, specially the logical types.

Knowing what we desire and what feels right is quite the challenge. It can get lonely, sad, frustrating; but I believe it’s better to know. I’d rather keep searching for what my heart desires than give in. Desire sneaks in unannounced and if it does not give you what you want, it hurts. But remember how fortunate you are. Those that do not know might never get the chance to live life to the fullest and that’s the real tragedy. We cannot tell others how to live their lives but we certainly can live our lives the best way we know how. And then maybe someday, somehow  we’ll end up having everything our hearts desire and more.

The worry effect

It needs not a reason or a purpose. It cripples its way in your sleep and when you wake up you’re loaded and ready to do the most pointless activity ever created: worry. It feels as though a monstrous spider crawls and finds a way to your brain; that’s how scary worry is to me. I’ve never liked spiders and I do not think I will anytime soon. Worry is as creepy as a spider. It finds a way to frighten you without actually attacking…just by its mere existence. The Evil forces created it, I’m sure of it. Just as wonderful as joy and happiness feels, worry is one of the bad ones. Worry is horrible because it’s fear disguised as something “acceptable.”

The secret society has accepted worry as a way to be responsible, don’t let it fool you. Worrying has absolutely nothing to do with responsibility. Responsibility has some percentage of good in it…worry on the other hand, is pure evil in its very core.

For once in my life I feel as though I have nothing to worry about and what does worry do to a former worrier? It attacks. You see, that’s why it annoys me completely. It whispers into my ear  when I’m asleep how it is OK to worry and that I should accept it as normal. Not this time. I am fed up. It is not chronic or worth losing sleep for, but I am losing at least one minute per day; minutes lost that I will never get back. I have made up my mind. I’ve deciphered that worry’s root is evil, why waste energy and time on it? I believe I can do without it and I will. How? I don’t know. But I know I can replace worry with almost anything and it’ll be time put to better use. So I will write, I will work out, take a walk, (which is a privilege I recently acquired) post, talk to friends, etc. All better investments than the masked fear.

The worry effect will not get the best of me because in the past, today and tomorrow all it has to offer is absolutely zero.  I consider myself smart enough to know that if there’s nothing there, what’s the point of it all? Don’t let worry be a part of your life; pretend as if it is nonexistent.  Indifference is the key, it will kill it. That’ll teach it to leave you alone. Yes, we have responsibilities…but will the worry effect help? No. I am done and hope to find in this new found life without worry’s existence, freedom from the chains that held me back. Now I’ll be free to do anything because without worrying about what might happen, absolutely anything is possible and that is simply fabulous. I can’t wait.

Never settle

I thought I was too busy to find you. I used to think I was always at the wrong place and missed you by a few seconds. Turns out that is untrue. I have had a hard time getting it right, but deep inside I know. I know what ‘meant to be’ feels like. I know how my soul smiles and tells me when the person in front of me is right. The frogs dress up and look good. Sometimes they’re even princes. But unfortunately he’s not the prince for me; but I’m sure he’s someone else’s prince. Some guys are frogs and will never truly be right for anybody else. Others are amazing guys that simply aren’t right.

I feel grateful for the souls I’ve encountered. I do feel lonely at times but never too lonely that I would settle for another girl’s prince. What if she’s waiting for him? What if I’m getting in the way of true love? I could never do that. A hopeless romantic knows better than to interrupt crazy, meant to be, blissful love.

The confusion is having your mind reason with your heart. Love wishers to like how it’s just enough. But it truly isn’t. I might have been screwed by all the fairy tale non sense, but I’ve never been screwed by my instincts. As painful as it would be to admit, I’d rather be alone than with the wrong person. But what I desperately have to hold on to is believing that the right one is out there and that, against all odds, we’ll find each other.

I’m a sucker for love, thus encouraging every single person not to settle. The pressure can be suffocating sometimes but do not give in. And whist I give this advice, I realize I’m just advising myself. Friends and even my own inner voice keep telling me how I don’t give guys a chance, how I should wait to get to know someone before blowing them off. But what if I know early on  that the spark isn’t there? I’ve never been good at prolonging what doesn’t feel right; a never ending bittersweet roller coaster. And every single time this happens, I ask myself whether I’ll find the right guy. I sincerely hope so and I hope most find their soul mates too. And I truly believe that with all the matters of the heart, you’ll know when you see it and you’ll be glad you didn’t settle.

Not knowing

There is a good and bad side of not knowing. Not knowing if I’m good enough at what I do, not knowing how and when I’ll find love…not knowing if I’m making the right decisions career wise and simply the not knowing. I do love to have things under control and the entire not knowing deal screws me up. But you know what? If we knew everything, then maybe we wouldn’t even get out of bed. The unknown has its reasons and the greatest thing about not knowing is faith. All we can do is give everything we can and then the rest is up to God; or whatever you believe in. So how do I not worry about the stupid stuff? How do I trust more? Just by growing; the more I grow and realize what really matters, the less I stress about the small insignificant stuff.

Sometimes we think that knowing it all will give us the peace and happiness we want and that’s completely false. The not knowing keeps us going, makes us fight and makes us be surprised of how life can be much better by not knowing and having things fall into place along the way. I usually think that maybe I’m not good for anything…but truthfully I have to know that I’m good at everything. Making mistakes does not mean that we suck…it just means that we’re learning and growing. I think mistakes were created for growth. People, who think they know it all, have no clue whatsoever.

All I know is this: Life is about laughing and making the most out of what we have. It’s about being brave and knowing that you tried even though you fail. I just want to do everything and have no regrets. I know if I trust and believe, things just happen. Of course that there are things that I still don’t understand, but I’m really not supposed to. I realize now that the 20’s is the “search” decade. We search for who we are, what we believe in and for the meanings. So I’m starting to learn what really matters and how to let go of that which I do not know. Sometimes we just have to let things be and not try to control them.

At the end of the day it’s all about doing what feels right not about knowing it all. The knowing is a good tool, but the feeling is on top of it. You can’t explain it, you just feel it. The knowing is the mind and the feeling is the heart…and everything that’s good in life is in my heart, so I should trust it more than anything else.

A while ago…

I just ran into these words I wrote a few months ago. It amazed me how different I feel. The misery from the past can give a new kind of bliss in the present. It’s good to remember, when in trouble, how we can pull through almost anything. Here’s my past reminding me how much happier I feel and how I actually moved on to find a place that is closer to Neverland. Now I have air to breathe, a home I cherish, music encouraging me to sing, the freedom I so deeply craved and words that are finding their place through my fingers and I am stunned by the beauty of the possibility. The book that never found its ending will find its way soon. I guess the pain is simply part of the process. And now I leave you with a somewhat dark day from my past…

6:58

I look at the time and it’s 6:58 and it obviously makes me think of the always admired redhead. Where does our spark go when we hate being who we are? Absolutely nowhere. That’s just it; we try to run from ourselves because what we fear most is not a place or a time…it’s ourselves. “Doubting if there’s a woman in there somewhere” she says. I’ve doubted that more than once. So indecisive, so lost, unloved by the opposite sex, unwanted by a home. 6:58 and I’m here, here, here. In a dark space where the black has seemed to outwit the light. I don’t like it here. My mistakes are eating my brain away.

7:22

And then the angel comes out to speak to the devil in me. The angel inspired by beautiful friends and a lovely mother. The angel that tries to find a ray of hope in the dark. It can seriously take minutes to flip the switch. I can cry and then instantly smile. Is this insanity? I don’t know. I’m seriously just relieved my fingers are typing words. I’ve been so low that I have done nothing that means anything. I’m not proud of me, I’m proud of my hands. Hard on myself as always. I’ve been cutting myself with food. It hurts deeply and I cannot seem to stop. Maybe it’s time for therapy. Coming back to the place I deeply feel is not for me for a third time seems to be more than I can handle. No music to play makes me feel as if I’m a deaf music fanatic. And then I put my issues into perspective and I know it’s no big deal…it sure feels like it though. The inadequacy chokes me; leaves me with no air.

7:26

I hope to come back soon. For better or worse, writing is a comforting friend. I simply don’t want to face the demons inside. I don’t want to think about the past, the future and sadly not even the present. But I do know I want to be someone my mom’s proud of and I’m not her at the moment. I have a book that’s halfway home and it seems to have lost its way…just like her author. But hopefully they’ll both create a new path where haunting ghosts from past mistakes and comparisons to others will cease to exist. I do hope; against all odds. And I am grateful for what’s real in my life; even the pain. I would just appreciate it if my thoughts and regrets would release me from this prison so that I can be free to live.

Arrived

It’s the feeling you get when you know it’s right. It can be a person or a place or an event. You’ve simply arrived and your soul smiles because without having figured it all out, you just know. You know you’ve arrived. All the decisions that didn’t make sense, start to help you feel better because of where you’ve arrived.

Well, I’ve arrived here and there’s nowhere I’d rather be. In consequence of this feeling, I want to live this life the best possible way. I want to feed my body what it needs. I want to surround myself by those who I respect and cherish. I want to give everything I can and more. I want to become who I have always wanted to be. Worries have escaped me because of where I have arrived at this very moment.

Decisions can get very confusing. But all I did this time was work with what I had. I always wanted to escape this country and it blinded me from seeing a beautiful place that is close to home. Sometimes we cannot see what is right in front of us. The first step is a step in the right direction. I cannot say with certainty that this is it. But I can say that this is the right place for me right now. It feels closer to my heart. And sometimes creating beauty with what we have is exactly what leads us to bliss. I am done running away. That doesn’t mean I won’t move to the right place at the right time; it means I have finally learned how to let it be.

Doing what feels right is what has taken me to a place where I never knew I always wanted to be. Now, I’ve arrived and I can honestly say it’s one of the greatest feelings I’ve experienced. Now that I’m here, I understand why I’ve fought so hard for what I love. Believe me, it’s worth it.

Frozen

It is hard to admit you’re an artist. So instead of saying anybody is an artist or not, let’s just say some choose to express themselves for a living, interpreters. I am an interpreter. I am fascinated by music and how I choose to listen to it. This is why I love poetic artists. The ones that always leave space in art for the imagination. Tori Amos is one of my favorite interpreters. She has a way of seeing and expressing what she calls sonic shapes. I cannot even imagine what she sees but I am sure it is full of wonder, mystery and beauty. The interpreters of life know there’s more than the eye can see. They know better than to say that anything is what it is. If even we are in constant change, how could we possibly expect for life or experiences not to change? I love knowing but I also love not knowing. Exploring makes life exciting. This is why I know I will always share my time with people who wonder, those who know that they cannot possibly know it all. Those that know the dimensions of life. They are the ones and only ones who can freeze time. Most worry about how time slips through or how it will never be what it was. But the expression of the emotions remain frozen. What we think at this very moment can be frozen if it’s expressed one way or another. The songs are frozen. The writings are frozen. All the wisdom from our ancestors is here with us. We simply must wonder enough to look and melt it so that they can become a part of our heart. Their frozen moments can be the greatest source of inspiration so that we too can leave moments in a timeless space.

I am reading Piece by Piece, Tori’s book. I have read the first chapter and already I’m mesmerized by how much she knows. She knew it was her responsibility to know where she came from and share the blood that runs through her veins. She was born to be an interpreter. But there is one thing she insists upon. She wants her audience to find their own voice. This is something crucial and yet difficult to remember when you admire someone as astonishing as Tori. Many of her fans love her so much, they have forgotten to think their own thoughts or sing their own songs. I want my life to remain frozen one way or another. I do not know how far I’ll get but I know I want to do everything in my power to leave behind what I’ve learned and loved. The lessons learned in the time given to me.

That is why it is so important to stay true, to live life and be who you know you should be. The quotes are everywhere and something inside wakes up when they show up. Why? Because we are all unique and have a voice…at least the interpreters do. We have to use our voice not just because it makes us feel alive but because there are many other interpreters that will follow and will need to fall back on history. They will need to know they are not alone and that many other fighters have existed before them, the brave ones. Yes, the interpreters are the brave ones. They are brave because they put themselves under a light where critique is welcomed. They go against the odds and know it’s worth it. Their legacy will forever remain frozen. I believe Tori’s thoughts in her head are frozen through her sonic shapes. Her voice has inspired me to listen to my own. My mother is an interpreter of love. She knows how love works and finds the best way to give back; truly inspiring. Some are interpreters of love, others of music, and so on… I hope I get to express my voice through words and melody. I hope I can live out my legacy so that what remains frozen inspires others to defend our kind; the brave ones at heart. The spirit found in those that interpret is fragile but kind. Their heart is passionate and strong. Tori leaves her music and inspiration in time and in the hearts of those who listen to her. My mother leaves her love and lessons here and in endless generations. I hope I can leave everything I am. Yes, the interpreters are the brave ones. If you are one, be brave. It is not just the right thing to do but your responsibility to leave your memories frozen in time.

Sleeping to dream

He’s tired because he has to live without her. He wants to go back to sleep so that he can see her and be with her. He’s tired and so am I sometimes. I’m tired of having to live without you. Jason knew what it was like and I still know. Day by day I’m more realistic. Being a dreamer feels as if it’s a straight line to nowhere, specially here. Yes, the dreamers are tired but at least they know they are. I do sleep to dream about you but deep inside I know you exist and that in itself makes the loneliness less lonely. You think you’re really different and then you doubt and wonder if maybe you’re ordinary. But, from where I stand, most people aren’t really feeling or being. As long as I’m willing to try, I don’t care if that makes me special or not; it’s real and that’s what matters to me most. And when it comes to boys and girls, I am an amateur. I meet a guy and my head is in the sky and then I fall and I’m hurt and the bruise encourages me to stop dreaming about love. But the problem is that I forget and then the next guy comes along and there I go again, doing the dreaming.

Most adults aren’t dreamers and that’s when the child within dies. I really try to hold on, but sometimes it’s hard. Why? Because it’s easier to get the job, get the guy; be popular and having it “all” by being typical. My mind has been polluted by the people and by society. Day by day I remind myself what it’s really about. It’s a constant reminder I must take one in the morning and one at night. Love is primal and yet we’ve found a way to complicate the most natural element on Earth. It’s amazing the powers we humans have.

That’s why the dreams about love and you are still alive, hope sustains them. They are alive and in constant change, just as I am. What I thought I wanted a while ago has nothing to do with what I see when I go to sleep now. And as romantic as it sounds, when I truly see him, I’ll know and he’ll smile knowing too. And that’s when we’ll be able to share the dreams we see when we sleep.

I am really going to try to keep believing that my reality will catch up with the visions in my sleep. Until then I will keep sleeping to dream about you. Hey, if you showed up in my dreams, who’s to say you won’t show up here? I’m sure I’ll see you around somehow. Wear a red rose or something so that you’re easier to spot. What is meant to happen will in fact happen. In the end I’m grateful for the dreaming. The dreaming is beautiful and it is a window to the soul. Who says the world of wonder isn’t as real as this one? Who decides what is real to you and what isn’t? You do. You decide what is and what isn’t. I am sleeping to dream about you but that doesn’t make me sad, it makes me hopeful. I simply love you and that’s why I want you in both my worlds. I’ll see you there and soon I’ll see you here as well. I enjoy every minute of the dreaming because it splashes color to this very black and white world I’m currently in.

What is right?

You wake up and right then and there, the first decision presents itself for duty. What should I have for breakfast? Will I be good or bad today? Will I work out? Will I continue going to the job that I hate or start living a life I’m proud of? When will it be enough? Here’s the thing, we’ve reached this place where we are not connected to nature or life or anything anymore. We are on auto pilot and if it doesn’t stop, what’s at stake is our life. In my mind I picture the end and having God or life or the universe ask me…what did you do? Did you play it safe and follow the crowd or did you do what you were put on Earth to do?

That’s why a basic decision can make such a big difference. The sum of all the decisions we make is what we are. But here’s the best part, forgiveness. Right here and now we are forgiven for not living the life we know is true. Of course, first we must be sorry and then we must do something about it. But I do love how we can screw up and start all over again. I love that it is never too late because we are human. That’s another important fact we keep forgetting. But one thing I know for sure…you have to mean it. You have to snap out of it and begin life even if you’re afraid; even if you’ve been hurt. It could have been a parent that disappointed you or a spouse. I know how bad it can be…but that’s that. Other people’s wrongful actions should not affect your life. Do you realize how much power we give others by letting their dysfunction lead our lives?

If there is something you hate that you can change, you have nobody to blame but yourself. “I’m doing it for my loved ones”…many say. I get that, but why can’t you work at something you love for your loved ones? How you feel doing what you love is the greatest gift you could give those around you. Why would they want you stressed, tired and bored? It’s amazing but I know for sure now how I cannot do something I do not like and expect to be happy. There has to be something I like about it; it must look my values in the eye and smile knowing they’re on the same page. I could justify my decision, but I simply could not be happy. I don’t regret absolutely anything because of the lessons they so kindly taught. Because of the wrong decisions, I can finally see what’s right.

Today I want to have a healthy breakfast, I want to work out and be happy. Not because I feel like doing all of that, but because it is the right thing to do. When faced with a decision nowadays all I ask myself is: What is right? Then I take it from there. The results are starting to show and the inner peace it brings is invaluable. I encourage you to make the right decisions and live the right life for you, whatever that may be. Hardship might show up but you are brave. Doing what’s right is scary but doing what’s wrong and having to live with yourself is fatal.