Success

Success is not giving into what they tell you to believe in. Success is gray. Success isn’t the same for everybody. You can feel success even at your lowest point, even when you feel you can’t succeed. It surprises me how we talk of success and never stop and realize what it means to us. Sometimes we don’t even know that what we thought success was isn’t even close to what it is. Sometimes what we think this unencumbered word is isn’t even real.

For me, success is almost the lack of it. Don’t get me wrong, it’s great. I simply think it shouldn’t be thought of as much as it should be lived. It shouldn’t be worth obsessing over as much as it should the path we’re currently on. The less I think of success, the more I feel it. The more I simply enjoy who I am, the less I strive to chase. I plan, I desire and I will have it all. But it won’t be further than it should be and it won’t be brighter than it is now.

I want to rejoice in what I have and who I’ve become. I never want success to feel beyond reach because it isn’t. I want to enjoy the rain and the sun. I want to be happy with my body. I want to forgive and love no matter how many times my heart has been broken. I want to be flexible and laugh as much as humanly possible.

I want to make my peace with where I am. I want to only be me because I couldn’t be someone else even if I tried really hard. I want love and I want it now. I want pretty things and I want to travel. Wanting is as crucial as having, so long as we never forget what a success we already are. How could we possible forget? Life almost seems as though it was created for us to forget only so that we can remember all over again.

Well I’m remembering and what I found is a lot, overwhelmingly so. But it’s beautiful and it’s bright.

Success is fighting for what you believe in, letting go when you should, forgiving and letting go of ridiculous expectations. It’s always believing in love and enjoying the moment. It’s that hot cup of tea and feeling connected. It’s all the possibilities and the lack of comparison. It’s starting over and being proud of yourself. It’s questioning and letting go of that which remains unknown. It’s reading an inspiring book and knowing you’re never alone.

It changes and it should. It’s as unique as you are and it shifts and changes according to the colors and rainbows in your head.

It should only be defined by you and for you. It’s whatever makes you happy and whatever you want it to be.

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What it was

You try to reach for it and as soon as you grab it, it disappears. Was I dreaming?

He’s standing in front of me. He’s about to tell me how much he adores me and a loud noise distracts me and I cannot listen to his words that I assume will be terribly sweet.

She finally lost all the weight she wanted to lose only to find it didn’t matter as much as being healthy did. She misses her skin sometimes because it kept the douchebags out, but knows it’s still her and has the power to know who to let in. She can always become her own once more and connect to the source.

And now there’s nothing that hurts inside her. There are loose ends and scars but no more pain. What made it go away? She knows she worked hard on this but keeps forgetting how she got there.

It was probably that book her mom gave to her and told her how amazing she was born to be. Or it was probably also that song she couldn’t stop listening to because the pianist had a voice that knew exactly how she was feeling.

And all the lost memories with friends must have helped. And having them walk in and out as they pleased probably also helped her know how nothing is the end of the world; not even betrayal from the ones she trusted.

Maybe all the uninterested gentlemen that probably weren’t all that also had something to do with it. And the mistakes, and the love, and the laughter. And every single moment that led her to where she is, probably gave her the power to undo all the wrongdoing that had been done.

And maybe now she can let love in. And maybe now she won’t get in the way of herself. She won’t sabotage her very own happiness. And maybe all the bad things simply don’t matter. And all the things she thought would kill her ended up saving her life.

It’s probably not what they told us it would be. It’s not better or worse either. It’s not bigger nor smaller. The paint isn’t even paint, it’s a material you created with your limitless mind. The collage is still forming itself right before our eyes. We cannot stop it, but we can embrace it.

It’s not like anything they told you it would be. But it is unique and it’s yours. And that’s all you will ever need. What it was is everything you have become and it’s glorious. It’s marvelous and it’s yours.

Into the green

She closes her eyes, opens them and finds herself surrounded by life. The flowers bloom, she forgets some of their names but remembers their scent perfectly. She takes off her red lovely shoes for an instant to connect with the grass. The lilies tell her their secrets and she rejoices in their wisdom.

The violets wake her up with kisses and she smiles in solitude. The trees grow taller and stronger. They remind her of the power hidden within. She picks some apples, pineapples and papayas, willingly swallows them piece by piece and it makes her skin glow. The colors of the fruit remind her of a dress she wore when she was back in the city. She then takes a swim in the river. The rocks have a very specific message and even though they’re hard on her, it’s all tough love. There’s nothing in nature that doesn’t possess love. The soil keeps her grounded and reminds her of humility.

Later on, she eats some zucchinis and spinach for lunch and the green makes her grow a wee bit taller. After so much communication, she gets an urge to follow a path. She follows her instincts and finds a beautiful one in the woods. She isn’t sure where it leads to but she trusts it, she’s unafraid. Birds accompany her with a song and fly above watching over her.

Suddenly, there’s a tiny and cozy little cabin. The path had been uphill but not hard enough for her to stop. She walks in and there are flowers on the table. The walls are old but not abandoned. The scent is strong but soothing. No one seems to be home; she oddly knew it was her own. She takes off her shoes once more and opens the window.

In solitude she remained and found a closet full of vintage dresses she used to wear. All full of color and one white one. She put on the white one and went out for one last walk before it would get dark.

The path on the other side was downhill. It led to a lake. Once again, close to the water she could clearly see the fish and how in harmony they swam, never questioning a thing. The dandelions convinced her to sing and so she did. She sang a soothing lullaby in the midst of the green and she smiled. It might have seemed as though she hadn’t accomplished much but she did. She got to see the flowers bloom, the trees grow, the birds sing, the fish swim and a tiny home become hers and fit her just right.

Will someone show up soon? She doesn’t know. But she does know how blissful this tiny corner of the world makes her and that’s all she could truly ask for. She’s grateful for everything and more.

E goes to bed and cannot wait to discover more flowers, more colors and shapes she hasn’t yet figured out. The stars tuck her in. She can’t wait to keep learning, to explore and simply live. In the midst of madness it’s incredibly easy to forget to live and acknowledge how that in itself is a privilege.

Be there

I’m finally there. I’m at the top of the mountain. I still have a few pounds to shed and what seems to be an endless amount of lessons to learn. I still have money to make and people to inspire. I still haven’t seen it all or have been to every single place my soul longs to be. There is still love to find. And yet, I’m there.

But I am also done. I’m done not celebrating who I am. I’m done caring when caring isn’t truly welcome. I recently gained weight…again. I recently made a mistake…again. But I’m done paying attention to it. What happens when I do is a vortex. I go into the shadows and take quite a while. I get there, it gets worse and I dance with the demons that try to make me stay. I won’t be there anymore.

Staying in the light can be difficult. It shouldn’t be but it is. I need to work on staying under the glow on a daily basis. I have to know that happiness should be the easiest choice. And after being in the light for a while now, I realize how lovely and peaceful it is. The fairies guide the way, the trees whisper lullabies. I like the sun; I like it better than the darkness. Because I’ve seen both I sometimes forget. It’s easy to forget who you are when you are so many things, when opposites pull you from one side to the other. When life hasn’t been laid out for you, you have to create a path where no one has ever been. It’s not as bad as it sounds, it just is.

I might not know much but I do know what I’m done with. I’m done taking too long feeling sorry for myself, I’m done liking you more than I like me. I’m done with regret and I’m done with deep pain. And even if I want to be done with it and it still shows up sometimes, I won’t play.

I’m done giving up when it gets tricky. I’m done caring about age. I’m done crying for too long. I’m done with silence. I’m done looking back and wondering what happened. I’m done wanting to be what I’m not. I’m done with comparison. I’m done with the concepts that were pushed into my brain when I was I kid. I’m done thinking it should be better than it is.

I’m done because I can be and I want to be. It might not be over but at least I know that I’m done and willingness is a force to be reckoned with. Once you make up your mind, the door is open and it becomes possible. It’s just getting to that point that’s hard sometimes. But I’m there. And I invite you to be done with anything that makes you feel less than what you are. Anything that gets in the way of your beautiful spirit, rid yourself of it. Create a place where nobody, not even yourself can tamper with. It doesn’t matter how; just trust it’s the right thing to do and be done living a life less adequate than what you know deep down inside you deserve.

Marry me

You’re lovely. I never saw it before but I do now. You glow and smile and I finally love you. I hadn’t seen you because you were hiding. I didn’t embrace you because you were afraid to bloom. I love you inside out.

With this ring, I commit to you. Not because I must but because it’s right. The time has finally come for me to commit to you. The time has finally come to wear a ring to remind me that you’re worth loving, always. I know there will be good times and bad, but I’ll stay. I know you’ll smile and cry and I’ll be there.

I’m marrying me because how could I possibly let another world in when I haven’t fallen in love with my own?

It has become such a cliché to say love yourself, it truly has. I didn’t like hearing it so I didn’t pay much attention to it. But now, more than just the love, I’m committed. How dare I mistreat myself that way? How dare I not forgive myself? I don’t know and it doesn’t matter. All that matters is that I’ve bloomed and I can see it now. I’m still in the early stages of the relationship but I know I’m in love. And just like I thought, it was easy. I’ve never truly believed it’s supposed to be hard. I’m not saying commitment doesn’t take up space and energy, but I’m saying it’s worth it.

It feels like any other relationship. You have to invest time, emotion and attention. I still try to go back to my old ways and then I remember how wonderful it feels to be in love. It makes you feel like you can do anything, be anything. The right kind of love doesn’t make you fear a thing or wonder if you made the right choice. You just know.

Marry you. Marry who you’ve become and even your mistakes. See it as a relationship. Not to find someone else but simply because you can. Do it because it won’t be frustrating to look for anyone outside yourself. It still might sound a bit generic and that’s fine. Don’t do it if you’re not ready or if you don’t believe. But if you get to that point in your life when enough is enough and nothing but love can save you from yourself, do it. I’m not going to tell you why or how amazing it is; I’m just going to tell you that I did it and it makes me happy. That’s all I truly know for sure. And I think that’s a good enough reason.

Put a ring on it and have it remind you not only of the love you have for yourself but also of what you believe in. And if anyone outside yourself doesn’t respect what you hold dear, you don’t need them to love you.

And if someone incredible comes along, make sure you never forget your commitment to yourself. Never forget that you married yourself first. It’ll make all the difference in the world.

Hers and mine

This concept came to me whilst I admired a red head’s music. A singer songwriter at heart, I not only listen to her music; I breathe it in, I feel it pass through me. I shiver as the piano makes that very grand sound. She has compared playing the piano to breathing. I can only imagine that it’s because it comes so naturally to her and because without it she simply couldn’t live, it wouldn’t be her. I see her and it’s inexplicable. For the longest time I wanted to be her. How could I not? Her enchanting talent, her message, and her strength were empowering. Especially to a little girl who wasn’t sure who she wanted to be.

But now I want to be me. I want my voice to be heard. Not with desperation, but with a certain calmness that only maturity can bring. I wanted to be anyone but myself and that is the opposite of what my desire should have been. The one true reason I admire the people that I do is because they are unapologetically themselves. Why then would I strive not to do the same?

Most people who know me well enough say that music is the path for my voice to be heard. But I can see several paths. I can see a straight line and a zigzag. I can see the moments when it’s downhill and the uphill cliff. I want to try the fruit from different trees, not just one. I might not be able to try it all, but at least some. I love the music, but I also love the words. I love the images and also the designs. I strive to be myself and every single shade in between.

This time I will do it and I will do it right. I will rid myself of confusion and doubt. I will let go of the fear and finally embrace who I am. So far, it’s been quite liberating. I guess the only obstacle to become me, was me.

Yes, her voice is enchanting and has a very unique message from Peggy. But mine can be just as great. Admiration can blind us into forgetting about ourselves and our expression. It’s no one’s fault. It’s our job to fall in love with this body we’re in. It’s our job to be infatuated with the creature that is us. Because if we aren’t madly in bliss with the experience we’re having, what’s the point of life? It’s incredible how we give our power away when we should protect it.

Her voice inspired me to find my own and for that I am forever grateful. Just never forget, in the midst of the madness, that more than looking up to anybody…you should look up to yourself. Then suddenly, your worries won’t be a burden; they’ll slowly vanish. You’ll breathe easy and know there’s nothing better than being your own.

Projection

She made a horrible mistake. She doesn’t know how she got here and she’s lost. She lost her home and her head. Not sure why, but she did. She was lost and because of it, she hurt herself. Pain was caused because she thought she knew better than this.

He never made a mistake. He doesn’t know why but he never took a chance on life. He had a home and never left the nest. He wasn’t sure why but he never did it, the living thing.

She bled and had red in her hands.

His hands were perfectly clean, so he decided to make her bleed instead. He had too much pain hidden within so he didn’t know what else to do but make her bleed too. She thought she let him in because he understood. But it turns out he only made her bleed more. He didn’t do it on purpose, but he did do it.

Because he had a paralyzing fear to live, he gave her a brand new scar. Because his pain was unbearable, he projected himself unto her.

They thought they were the same, but they were not. She was light, he was darkness; she was life, he was death. They played happily together for a while until their opposite sides called them back. It was time to go home for supper.

It was time for her to step into the light fully. It was time for him to hide in his cave where he felt safe. Little did he know; his demons were hiding in the darkness. What will happen to him? She would never know.

They make us suffer, the hurters. They feel entitled to hurt others because they’ve been so badly hurt. They make those who are the closest, bleed. They might never change but distance between what’s right and wrong should become obvious.

Don’t play with her blood, don’t mess with her head. You might love her but if you can’t love her right, let her heart remain pure all on its own. You might need somewhere to project your heartbreaking story, but her heart is not the place.

I will let you go because your part in my story is over. And I hope you find a way to stop internally bleeding and start projecting a happier story. One with a bit more light in it.

Heaven on my tongue

I don’t think I’ve ever been closer to Heaven than I am now. The clouds are fluffy and soft. It’s quite nice up here. The best thing about it is that it’s not what I thought it would be; it’s better. The puzzle is coming together. I used to feel like it was the hardest thing to be different. It ended up saving me from myself and the monsters that weren’t even there; they were a lie. Staying true to my being has been the greatest gift I’ve been given. I didn’t always hold up my end of the bargain, but I am now.

I sometimes teach and there is nothing more rewarding than having students tell you that you have made a difference in their lives, that you have helped them. Listening to words of gratitude, love and appreciation is inexplicable.

Creating smiles is a wonderful endeavor. It makes me realize that making a difference in this world, whether it’s with a melody, a flower, deep words, designs, colors or by sharing a lesson; is what I really want to do with my life. It’s what we should all do to some extent. I have been privileged with a knowledge that is beyond me and I know that there’s a reason for that. Knowing what I’ve seen has allowed me to brighten up someone’s day sometimes. A simple gesture, the right attitude or a good sense of humor can turn things around and people show their appreciation. And once you reach this point in your life and realize that the secret to happiness is inside, there isn’t much more to it. It’s a daily choice and once you start honoring the light, you know that there’s no other way to be. Everything simply starts fitting and things that used to cause worry, now have vanished.

I am well aware of what I want to do but the big difference now is that the here and now is the source of the joy. Being present can truly change you, but it does take time to understand this. Patience wasn’t always my friend. Because when I say time, I don’t mean the time that everyone seems to be obsessed about; I mean meditation, reading, breathing, silence, creating and making the right choices. Everything is upside down & once you make your peace with that and open your eyes, your life reaches new standards and the chains are cut loose. Your heart is free. The authenticity and spirit in you are out, open and ready to play.

In my time during the living, it has been a compilation of experiences, angels, difficulties, books, lessons, mistakes, trying and inspiration of all kinds. You are pushed to the limit of Hell and in return, you choose Heaven. If I wouldn’t have gone through Hell, how would I have recognized Heaven? The Great Divorce is a wonderful book to read about this. Take the parts that make sense and make something pretty. Listen to what I have to say or don’t. Make your own choices and don’t apologize for them. Sometimes some people will be hurt by your mere existence and that’s not your fault, it’s theirs. Live fully even when the glass is half full. I don’t know much but I know how it feels and that is a miracle in itself.

Voiced

Today, I sing. Today isn’t perfect but right. Today, I have a voice and won’t be left silent.

Only when you’re left silent and alone do you truly appreciate your voice and honest company. After you’ve felt it, you can’t go back. You cross over to the other side and trust you’ll somehow find your way. It’s sometimes dark and unknown but beautiful in how it blooms.

It makes you tremble, it makes you doubt, even fear. But you should still walk through. I couldn’t do it. I wanted to walk into the other galaxy and shine but wasn’t ready. I’m slowly learning to be kind, to be fine.

Today, I sing. Today, I not only sing but cherish it more than words can say. I had a voice and I lost it. I had a voice and I didn’t believe in it. I had a voice and started to love it. I have a voice and today is the day when I sing again.

How beautiful it is to have a voice; to be heard, to live. Once you get to know who you are you feel like you shine, you must walk through the door and float.

It took me forever to get here but I am here. I’m not her but I get to be me. I’m not perfect but today I get to sing. I’m on my own and finally at peace with what I’ve grown into.

It can get tricky but it is crucial to find your voice. It might be big or tiny but it’s yours and nobody else has the message you have, so fear nothing. It sounds generic at times but it’s true.

Question whatever doesn’t make sense and make up your own rules. You’ll be surprised how it finds a way to word itself out. Voice your thought, voice your message and you might inspire others to venture out and find who they really are.

You might be close or far, far away, that doesn’t matter. All that matters is that you get there. Get there even if you must face demons and monsters. Get there and then the piece start to finally fall in the right place. Find your sound and the voices in your head will start making much more sense.