I’d like to say

I have been loved. I have been hated. I have felt successful and a complete failure. I want more and I truly want less. I feel as though I have this whole living thing pegged until I have a day that reminds me how little I can know. Regrets are something I do not believe in, and yet, they haunt me. I have heard sweet words and bitterness has also tried to tear me apart.

My best friend said he’d be there no matter what. Time passed and he doesn’t want to see me anymore. The man I loved couldn’t seem to say he loved me back. He made me feel endlessly loved but society programmed me to want to hear words that shouldn’t even exist. Sometimes I want what I know isn’t right. Sometimes I read and smile because of who I have become. I feel proud to have held my ground. And sometimes I feel lonely and I feel like crying. I make others laugh and it makes me realize how wonderful I am. I cry.

I want to sing but I still haven’t written my own songs. I have a melody that carries me through although I still sometimes feel utterly silent. I have come a long way and know how far I am capable of going. But what if you don’t make it? My oldest brother loves to remind me. I trip on a stone only to find that the road ahead seems as long as the one left behind. Someone holds my hand whilst another blindfolds me. I can feel you but I can’t see you.

I would like to say that I’d wish life were easier but I would probably be lying. I would like to say I know what I believe in but sometimes I forget. I’d like to say that I try to avoid drama but it brings my heart alive when it tries to die on me. I can be more than just one thing. I’d like to be more like my mother and I wouldn’t be lying whatsoever. I’d like to say I didn’t know my father but I did. I’d like to say I haven’t pushed love away but I couldn’t keep a straight face.

I know what I know and I am who I am. Some people seem to have figured it out early on, I’m not really one of them and I accept that fact. I hope dearly to become a story. Not only an interesting storyteller but an inspiring one as well.

I might be as imperfect as the day is long but I would like to say that I have become a combination of colors, shapes and shifting shadows of light that cannot seem to figure out completely how to be.

I’d like to say more than what words were ever able to create. But for now this shall suffice. And even what I have to say will pass and so shall the moments, as quickly as I am capable of changing my mind.


I’m not in love

We live to breathe. We live to strive. We live to seek. We live to find. Sometimes we even live to love. Today is the day of independence; the day where solitude is celebrated and questioned. No, I’m not in love. We try to survive. We know not what will come and yet we’re here. I’m not in love.

I don’t know much but I know that I am not in love. It makes me feel somewhat lost. It makes me feel somewhat inspired. At times it feels it’s by chance. At times it feels it’s by choice.

Should I be ashamed by such a statement? Should I be looking for someone to love? I don’t know.

As many other endeavors, I don’t know. But I do know that of all the things I currently do not know much about, this is the one I know the least of. This is that one thing that I have to stop myself from writing constantly about. I think it is a combination of nature and nurture.

I am well aware of its nature and how we are born with some sort of innate right to be loved. But I do feel influenced at times. I feel influenced by all this mass media that is trying to run me over. I feel as though I should either want it or die. I don’t want to die. I want to live. I want to live with or without you. I want to be happy with or without you.

On nights like tonight I want not to want you. I want not to wonder. I only crave that which is and could be but not that which isn’t.

We should question everything. We should want not only what we think we want but also what we should want. Control isn’t ideal but it is useful. I want to stay true to myself and yet know the difference between what is real and unreal. You are real but wanting to control your timing seems unreal and selfish.

I am here and I am not in love. Sometimes I can cope and sometimes I feel as though I am the lead character in the opera of my life and that my heart cannot seem to beat without you. Fascinating opposites seduce me as usual.

But tonight I am not in love and it pains me yet it frees me. What this all means still intrigues me and I will continue to search and witness its attraction for as long as I shall live. It will and can come but until it does, I will wonder and I will be intrigued by its mystery and absence; by its passion and constraint.

It is puzzled and it shall make sense somehow; even if it kills me, even if it rains.

I live here

I live in a cloud. Unaware of what is happening underneath, I float. Only those who cannot stand seeing me utterly unaware of what is happening on the ground, try to bring me down. I do unfortunately understand why they can’t stand me. After very hard work and having much to show for themselves, they feel entitled to impose what they have on others.

Some cannot stand your decisions, others your happiness. I can’t stand them not standing me. I can honestly claim an honest intent not to tell others what decisions to make. Maybe my lack of ability to decide anything for sure is what has made me empathetic towards those decision makers. I do have an idea of what is a bit better than worse but I have no right to know better.

I know how illogical my life can be; I don’t always understand it either. Because I live in the clouds, everything I own comes and goes; it never really stays. The pretty flowered dress floated to some other cloud for the day and I can’t force it to stay. It inevitably finds its way home. So when the claimer asks what I have to show for myself, I don’t really have much concrete to show, it’s abstract. I can describe it though.

I know how much more I could have done but I haven’t. All I can do is what I’m doing. All I have is what I have. I do believe in learning and trying hard but I don’t believe in regret, not anymore. I used to regret a lot of what I had become only to find how pointless it is.

I do not know much about a lot but I do know that I live here and my mind has tried to grasp as much as it wants. I intend to try and wish to have the will to do what is right for this path of mine. I want a good life, one full of flowers and to be and inspiration to others. I know how flawed I can be but that has also made me human. I want to smile at life knowing I’ve taken from it as much as it has been able to give me.

I live here and I might not have everything you want to see but I have a soul that has some words to share and pretty things to admire whenever they decide to migrate back from cloud 9.

I hope to create and always live in a state of bliss. I hope to have many visits from lovely angels and never be foolish enough to put my feet on the ground; the clouds are more entertaining and bouncy. The people up here are constantly smiling.

I am here and I live happy. I live here and I am happy. I think that’s more than I can say for a lot of other souls, especially those not built to float.