The crashing

It all comes crashing down. It all falls apart and you think you won’t survive. You think it’s all over; except it isn’t.

Disappointment. Heartbreak. Unexpected pain. I used to be lost without it. I still struggle with it. It all comes crashing and you want to know why and you’re in denial and you fight it and you cope.

When you’re in your thirties and you still have the same struggles as you did in your twenties, you wonder what is wrong. Except maybe nothing is actually wrong. Maybe we crash and we can stare at the crash and waste away wondering why instead of just fixing the car and moving on.

This is a very enlightened me because when the shit hits the fan, I shout and scream and struggle and take my time coping with what has been destroyed in front of me.

It’s a crash; it’s painful. You feel lost and you don’t know what will happen next. So what? The crashing is unexpected, the pain is real and you either suffer and stay there or suffer for a while and move on. Take your time, look at the crash, fix it, and move on as soon as you’re ready. Not a second sooner or later. Just be kind to yourself because it’s easiest to destroy yourself instead of just seeing it for what it is: a crash.

This too shall pass and hard times happen. Breathe and let it be.

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This is the end 

Hold your breath and count to 10…

What happens at 11? Why didn’t they tell us about 11. You give up and it’s over but then it’s not. You’re in a hole under the ocean, it’s the end except it was just not. 

When will I get tired of my own bullshit? When will enough be enough? How long will I wait to live the life I’ve always wanted?! 

I don’t know. I don’t know how much I can take of this mediocrity. Wake up! Wake up! Wake up! Do something! 

I don’t know what to do. My terrible habits are trying to kill me. My disregard for the future has finally appeared itself in the future and I don’t see much of what I wanted. I didn’t work hard, I didn’t stick to anything. Now I’m lost and with a feeling of doom. 

I’m really hoping this will have a happy ending but I’m sensing it’d be too far fetched. 

This is the end. Hold your breath and count to 10. Then count to 11 and picture yourself doing yoga. If you don’t have a happy place in reality, go to a happy place in whatever world you can create. I’m struggling with it. 

My imagination is shut because I’m feeling hopeless. My dreams seem to have vanished and my talent mostly goes unnoticed. I dream but I don’t do. I dream but I don’t do! As I don’t do, I age.

It’s here, the end. I feel like I have enough reasons to give up and yet! Life finds a way to keep me going. My mom, my nephew, Martin, love sometimes but not me. I’m gaining weight and having the hardest time loving me; but I’m working on it. 

I hope to return on a happier day when it’s not the end.

The Forces 

 In a storm sometimes we find clarity. When all has been taken is when you have to remain. I love the dramatic moments in your life. I love that you keep surviving against all odds. I even like that you’re stubborn and take yourself to limits you never thought you’d go. Why? Because you’re a writer. You get to experience the best and the worst. You get to see different colors and you get to feel trapped! How many people could identify with that? A lot. 
Write your pain. Write your stubbornness. Write what only you can. Look into becoming who you want to be. Stop getting in the way of yourself. Failure has been your loyal friend and you’ve grown accustomed to pain. That’s fine. Just don’t let it become you. Know that it’s outside of you. Talk to your failure. Talk to your pain. It shows up and people think it shouldn’t be there. But it is there! So don’t ignore it and don’t become it. Talk to it. Tell it it’s wrong and that you can do what you want. Tell it that it’s sometimes right but that just because you’ve failed so many times, doesn’t mean it has to be that way forever. 

Love yourself more than you love anyone else. Stay or go. It doesn’t make a difference. But try not to let it become you. You are not your relationship or lack of relationship. You are you and it’s magnificent. Keep walking the journey with yourself. Keep trying. 

In the end, all that matters is that you do something that makes you happy, that you keep going, that you inspire others, that you don’t compare your journey to anyone else’s and that the people around you support that path in a positive way. 

And if you’re not there and you’ve lost your path…go find it. It’s never too late to be who you want to be. And if you don’t make it, do your best to get as close as possible. 

I know you lack energy to do this. That’s OK. Don’t beat yourself up about it. Just do as much as you can and keep trying until you die. And if something or someone brings you down; let it or them go. 

You’re going to have to be brave. Be brave. You have better tools and a couple more skills. You always have a constant angel and now you have me, your goddess. And also, this time, you have a wizard that assists you. The forces are with you. Keep strong and carry on my lovely. 
  

I am crashing 

I’m stuck in a pattern. Has this ever happened to you? You realize the same thing happens once and again. What am I suppose to learn universe? Please tell me and I’ll read up. I’m lost. I must confess I’m lazy. I don’t believe in doing anything for money. I refuse to sell my soul. I thought energy was the most important currency; it is. But money’s power cripples in and leaves me speechless. 

I’m falling down without a sign of a parachute. It’s not that bad. I enjoy the wind and the words that pop into my head while I fall. There are things that keep me from crashing into the ground. 

I am crashing and falling down but I’m wishing and hoping to create the tools to make a hole in the ground that will take me to Wonderland through the rabbit hole. I don’t want to crawl up the building that leads to the boring office, I wanna find my way to Wonderland. Please show me the way universe; please shed the yellow light. I need it. 

I am crashing down but maybe it’s just what’s suppose to happen; at least that’s what I need to believe. Go on gravity, bring it. I won’t fight you, I’ll come crashing and it’ll be epic.

Written in the stars

It was a wondrous day. She woke up and something happened.

It was a normal day. She woke up and nothing happened.

What fills our days with wonder? We do.

I have a wondrous mother. She wakes up and smiles. She’s been through thick and thin and still decides to look at the good. She’s a good witch.

I’m a combination between a good and bad witch. I have a bundle of emotions inside of me battling on a daily basis. My biggest enemy is inaction. I know I’m meant to be doing something great and I’m still a bit stuck. It’s OK. This is my magic. My magic is expressing myself; even if only one person reads, that’s my magic. I also sing. I also paint. I have colors and shapes trying to make their way out of my being. I apologize to those things for not having more time and discipline to let them out. I’m sorry I haven’t had more people listen. I swear I will keep trying if it kills me.

I am an artist. Saying that is hard. Who decided what you are? I guess it’s just what you want to do even if they don’t pay you. No one pays me to do this and here I am.

I have potions that make me be understanding and I am. I feel what the person next to me feels. I always have a sense that I’m in the wrong song but I sorta keep calm and carry on. There’s no room for everyone to be someone in this world but there is room for me because, once again, I am here. We are human beings; not human doings. When did we forget that? I always forget and if I’m not doing anything I feel guilty. Enjoying and living and pushing through is sometimes enough.

It’s either written in the stars or it’s not. You either do something or do nothing. You write your story on a daily basis and you decide what you do with it. I certainly want to do much more with it and all I truly want deep inside is to make my mom proud.

Follow your star and if you haven’t found it yet, write it.

Beauty and the beast

She was lovely but secretly broken. He seemed lovely but was secretly a beast. 

We go around living and these brains of ours make choices for us. Choices based on our past and how it was all dealt with back then. What are we supposed to do with that? I guess we should tame the beast inside us as much as we can. 

His beast is easy to recognize; hers is a bit more hidden  because I she a flower growing up that taught her to take care of that inner wilderness. A flower that’d tell her how pretty she was even though others would say otherwise. The flower believed she’d bloom into something mesmerizing, something beautiful. 

He never had a flower. The beast was raised by wolves and didn’t know how to go about it. 

They grow up and meet. They both have beasts that fight. Their character coexists and now and then you can smell the flower’s scent trying to spread joy. There is passion and there is much love to be had.

Will the beasts be tamed or will they run wild? That is what everyone wants to know what there’s a beauty and a beast.

What we wish for

We’re a generation of control freaks. We think we know what we want. We work relentlessly until we get it and sometimes it’s not what we thought it would be. It’s great to have a goal but when that goal involves someone, all bets are off.

I was ready, you weren’t. You’re ready, I’m not. It’s off and there’s no way to truly control emotions. It’s up, it’s down. It comes, it goes.

I recently watched 13 Reasons Why and it shocked me to my very core. Not only the sad reality of what could be happening in schools, but how  hard it is to get along, to respect each other and love each other. Why? I don’t know. I was bullied and thought life would get much easier once I got out of high school. It did and it didn’t. I didn’t have a bully telling me my inadequacies, I became my own bully. I’m slowly and steadily trying to become kinder, not to do that. It’s hard to do after losing friends, feeling lonely and not truly finding a path.

After all, he has been the only romantic interest that has truly taken a chance on me. I’m here and you’re there and you want me there but in a way where I forget about myself more than I know how. Should I go? Should I stay? That is the question. I’m terrified of loneliness. I’m terrified of rejection. I’m in my 30’s and I have the same fears I had in high school. Maybe that’s why that show shocked me as much as it did.

I don’t know what to wish for anymore. I guess the best path is to take it day by day trying to choose self love and peace. And if things fall apart, they were supposed to. And if they don’t, they weren’t supposed to.

One thing I do know for sure: this life was given to us to be lived. Even if it’s painful and hard, we never give up. And if we feel like we utterly failed ourselves and others; we get up and try again until we get it right. And I’m gonna keep wishing and hoping even when I feel like I can’t. I refuse to believe there’s no happy ending. There has to be. There will be. I believe. I know.

Say yes

She came, she conquered, she inspired. She believed in something and it became more than what she could have ever imagined. She worked hard and found something she loved. Sometimes the smallest things can inspire you to do more and be more. This is exactly what I want to do. I still haven’t found it. But day by day I feel closer to finding what it is I’m supposed to be doing. I must fight and push through and believe that it can and will happen.

Things are looking up and fear has tried to cripple in but I won’t let it. I want to say yes. Yes to life. Yes to love. Yes to finding and doing what I am passionate about. I will start with one single step and I’ll try to kick my own ass. I’m already getting fit, eating healthy and that in itself is a step in the right direction. I’m 32 and many times think it’s too late but that’s a complete waste of time. Whatever time I have left is time I have to get moving and become one of those kick as chicks I so much admire.

My life is anything but a straight line and it’s not figured out but that’s OK. So long as I keep going and believe that it can still happen it will, then it will. You have to be inside of life for it to find you. Inspiration has to find you working. Sophia Amoruso is a true inspiration. What I love about her story is that struggle shows up and she kicks its ass and moves on. I admire that beyond words. I will become a #GIRLBOSS if it kills me. Coming soon…

Hurt

Just when things finally get good, it comes crashing down. Why? Why? Why?

It doesn’t matter why. The important thing is what we do with what was broken when everything fell apart. Why do we hurt each other? To protect ourselves. People who hurt the hardest are the ones that are hurting the most. But why do we have to endure their childhood pain? That’s not fair. 

But here I am; in love with an emotionally hurt human and I’m hurt and I don’t know what to do. How much should we forgive? How much is normal? There is a lot of good but when the pain comes out to rear its ugly head, it’s a monster. And I’ve always been terrified of monsters. I usually ran away from them as fast as I could when I was little. It’s not as easy as an adult. This adulting is hard. I’m way too old to be dealing with the issues I deal with. But hey! Here I am. Still figuring out what to do with my life, in my thirties and hanging out with the emotionally damaged. Who knows? Maybe I’m one too. But I really try not to be.

I’m hurt, in pain, in silence and know nothing except that I must move forward even though I don’t know where forward is. I guess you’re suppose to carry on even when you’re blindfolded, otherwise life goes on without you. It has before, believe me I know. The bleeding will eventually stop. It always does.

But for now, keep cool, wipe away the tears and carry on anyway you can.

Blurry 

It’s a day she can’t remember. She remembered taking a break but had no clue as to how long she’d been resting. 

She had to get up and fight the good fight. What was the fight again? What am I fighting for? She forgot. She had a short term memory problem and that didn’t allow her to plan much. 
Just get up! She heard a voice. It was blurry and confusing. She felt a bit older and more tired. Is it worth it? Can I do this? It’s still blurry. Her vision has been compromised. 

And still, she carries on slowly. She doesn’t know what else to do except survive. Is that enough? Is surviving good enough? She’s forgotten how but she will carry on.

And she hopes and prays that the vision becomes clear and precise because she’s been lost for a while and it’s time. It’s definitely time.