The thought of you

The thought of you is haunting. It crawls in and it won’t let go of me. The memories last because they’re deep. The feeling has a name but I haven’t found it yet. The thought changes its form and it always takes your place. The thought of you smiles at me and knows. It knows what I’m feeling and how deep it goes. It had waited to find me because my heart had to grow big enough to feel you. Logic tries to deny me the pleasure of going in; today I won’t let it.

Passion grows and it shape shifts into trees and moments and experiences that never seem to end. I’m underwater and I’m up in the air. I’m here and I’m there and I’m everywhere and all I can see and think is you. I close my eyes and the thought is felt by the touch of your hand and that very unique smile on your face you have when you see me. It reminds me how much you love me even when you’re not close enough to hold me. It whispers lullabies that sound sweet and soft. It sometimes screams and makes me feel alive. The thought of you also reminds me of the challenges and it kindly tells me that love isn’t the absence of hardship but the growth it inevitably brings. I smile knowing that the path is lived tighter and closer than before because of them. I found the thought of you in my head and it was chasing me. You sometimes take a hold of me and I let you because it feels amazing and inspiring. Your eyes are leaves. As a child I always wanted a leaf because it is perfect and beautiful and sheds green and light wherever it happens to be; your eyes do the same for me. They shed green and light and give me hope even when hopelessness is trying to bring me down.

The thought of you reminds me who I was and who I am. It reminds me how deep down inside I knew all along what was real and what wasn’t. I thought I was insane for wanting more and wanting it as soon as humanly possible. It turns out the thought of you was real way before I met you. Having faith felt impossible at times because having you was necessary; and even though you were very close, we were worlds apart. The difficulties and mistakes from the past had to be lived and made in order to be able to finally see you. I probably passed by you a thousand times but I just couldn’t see you. You say I’m the invisible woman because you weren’t ready to see me. I couldn’t see you either. Now I see you, I feel you and I think you. Now you’re here.

The future is always unknown but the present is given and is meant to be enjoyed and acknowledged. The thought of you today needed to be felt. The thought of you keeps going and loves the red and the raw and the passion. The thought of you makes me smile and makes me want to be completely and absolutely me. It teaches me about compassion and growth and it reminds me how love should be. It isn’t perfect, it’s magical.

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You, him, her

I want to be you. I like your hair and the way you move through the room. I want to be a mermaid. They swim around unworried about life. They’re always pretty and can go as deep as they please. I want to be you. You have beautiful, long blonde hair and everybody wants to touch it. I want your voice. You sing like an angel and can create melodies that make special souls stop and listen.

I want to be him. He always knows what he wants to do with his life and has more than enough extra cash in his pocket. I can’t seem to find those 25 bucks I keep losing somehow. I love the way he falls in love, uninterrupted. I like how his eyes stare when it’s inevitable to do so.

I want to be her. She’s one of those girls that always knew how to be fabulous and unapologetic. She’s poised and possesses a youthful wisdom that is as rare as a white butterfly flying through the sky and saying hello at random but perfect times. She keeps her skin sun kissed and soft. She smiles because she’s happy and I become her. She is inspiration.

I’m you, I’m him, I’m her. And most importantly I’m me. I don’t know when we got lost along the way and forgot that we get to be anybody. They cage us telling us that we’re only one person; that we can only do one thing. Nothing could be further from the truth. We’re too complex to simply be one single thing. If you can see more than one color, become the rainbow. Don’t allow anyone to cage you…not even those that love you. You get to be whoever you are; whatever your eyes get to see. You become what your endless imagination allows you to become. The people in your life are a part of that, but they are not it. You are it and only you. Society tries to cage us but we are the ones that say yes or no to that very limiting belief.

I’ve flown away from the cage and I can honestly say you can have the best of all worlds. You can enjoy earthly pleasures and still be a free bird. Your definition of freedom might change along the way and that’s a part of that liberty. Simply become whomever you want to be. And if you can’t own it, pretend. And if you can’t be it, fake it. Then, suddenly, almost out of nowhere you’ll wake up to find you are exactly who you want to be. It won’t be perfect but it’ll be the most glorious experience. And when that day comes, you’ll smile and all that will be left is sheer joy and an endless amount of gratitude. The only two emotions you want to feel when freedom has knocked on your door.

Be anyone, be anything, be.

It’s me

He picks me up and I ride alongside. We talk sometimes and remain silent at others. I try not to overanalyze. His voice is a fascinating one and I want to hear what it has to say.

“Here, here, here.” I hear a voice whisper. I look around and cannot see where it’s coming from.

I meet K for coffee and she has a million things to say. They are lovely things. She has a lot of money and can buy anything her heart desires. She’s the girl everyone wants to be.

“Here, here, here.” I hear it louder.

Izzy loves me dearly and always wants what is best for me. She gives me the best advice I’ve ever heard.

“Here, here, here.” It does not seem to stop.

He drops me off after our fourth date and makes me wonder whether he likes me or not. He has absurd concepts about the heart and how it beats. As ridiculous as to even blurt out that there is no such thing as love. I remain silent not knowing what that means and look up to the sky. There’s one beautiful star and it reminds me that I was built to survive.

“Here, here, here.”

Where is it coming from? Where’s the voice? It’s here. I’m on my own and I have to love it. Sometimes by chance and sometimes by choice, I have been on my own more often than not. I used to think it was a curse, maybe it could be a blessing. I do not want to need anybody to be happy. I don’t want to forget what time it is or where my spark is.

I’ve unconsciously been waiting to be saved when I’ve been the hero of the story all along. I don’t know how or when the plot took a twist and made me this powerful creature. I guess it was there all along, I just didn’t want to see it.

Who can save you? Who can love you? Who can be the best thing that ever happened to you? It’s you. Never forget it.

Yellow

After the mourning has passed, the colors seem to have faded and they’re splattered all over the world. But on an excessively bright day, in a very tiny town in the middle of nowhere, all I can see is yellow. Her favorite color was yellow. It hurts to mention her still because the wound is trying to scab but I must. I must because I don’t want to forget. I don’t want to forget the feeling of her presence. Her perfect hair, how she did her makeup and how when she saw me, there was only love. No matter what we did, she’d say that family was born forgiven. Last night I dreamt with her. She was alive and I was in shock. And I asked her what was happening and she said: “Sweetheart, I’m never going to die.”

I’m sure she’s kissing the lilies as she’s waking up. She looks around and whenever she wants to see yellow, it’s there; the perfect shade of yellow. Her youth is back and her high heels on. Her hair is yellow and her glasses gone. She’s surrounded by gold and the very few flaws she had here, gone. She’d like to talk to us and she will. Oh how she will.

It’s been cloudy here. I’ve been looking for stars but can’t find them. I’m excited for November. That was her month and that’s when all the stars decide to shine the brightest. This November I’ll be like a kid waiting to find the brightest star and not only talk to her but have her show me the way. The way to love,  the way to passion, the way to live.

Out of all the things she created on this Earth, one was the greatest: an angel with pink wings. This pink angel flies around helping others, expecting the best to happen. Many try to shoot her down because they do not like what they cannot understand, but they don’t succeed because they cannot really see her or her wings. She moves faster than light. You can’t kill what you can’t see. Only two people look up and can actually see her. And when they do, they’re mesmerized.

Yellow had to fight for her unique existence. Pink has to fight for hers. I probably will have to fight for mine, I already do. I can look at these three lives from the past present and future, I know their worth. And if fighting for survival means at least touching and saving one life, it’s worth it. I’ll do it.

Yesterday, the only color I could see was yellow. Today, it’s yellow and pink. I hope tomorrow purple will show up and then slowly all the colors of the rainbow will be back. It’s a slow process but it’s not about the speed, it’s about the beauty we’re able to capture in each and every moment. I’m capturing this one. It can be bright, it can be dark. But it certainly has an endless amount of love.

I’d like to say

I have been loved. I have been hated. I have felt successful and a complete failure. I want more and I truly want less. I feel as though I have this whole living thing pegged until I have a day that reminds me how little I can know. Regrets are something I do not believe in, and yet, they haunt me. I have heard sweet words and bitterness has also tried to tear me apart.

My best friend said he’d be there no matter what. Time passed and he doesn’t want to see me anymore. The man I loved couldn’t seem to say he loved me back. He made me feel endlessly loved but society programmed me to want to hear words that shouldn’t even exist. Sometimes I want what I know isn’t right. Sometimes I read and smile because of who I have become. I feel proud to have held my ground. And sometimes I feel lonely and I feel like crying. I make others laugh and it makes me realize how wonderful I am. I cry.

I want to sing but I still haven’t written my own songs. I have a melody that carries me through although I still sometimes feel utterly silent. I have come a long way and know how far I am capable of going. But what if you don’t make it? My oldest brother loves to remind me. I trip on a stone only to find that the road ahead seems as long as the one left behind. Someone holds my hand whilst another blindfolds me. I can feel you but I can’t see you.

I would like to say that I’d wish life were easier but I would probably be lying. I would like to say I know what I believe in but sometimes I forget. I’d like to say that I try to avoid drama but it brings my heart alive when it tries to die on me. I can be more than just one thing. I’d like to be more like my mother and I wouldn’t be lying whatsoever. I’d like to say I didn’t know my father but I did. I’d like to say I haven’t pushed love away but I couldn’t keep a straight face.

I know what I know and I am who I am. Some people seem to have figured it out early on, I’m not really one of them and I accept that fact. I hope dearly to become a story. Not only an interesting storyteller but an inspiring one as well.

I might be as imperfect as the day is long but I would like to say that I have become a combination of colors, shapes and shifting shadows of light that cannot seem to figure out completely how to be.

I’d like to say more than what words were ever able to create. But for now this shall suffice. And even what I have to say will pass and so shall the moments, as quickly as I am capable of changing my mind.

Pretty little stories

As lonely as it can get without another body, I’d take your story before I’d take you. You can become instantly unnecessary as soon as I become my own. I can see myself from the outside and it suddenly becomes easier, impressionably livable.

Your flaws are held against you. They make you cause pain. Your actions are sadly obvious. Completely unaware of what you’ve done. Yes, you can hurt but you don’t necessarily leave a mark. Whatever you had to say wasn’t worth including in the story because it wasn’t epic enough.

I can live without you but I can’t live without me. I can breathe underwater but I can’t take you with me. You don’t know what it takes to swim in the depths. The mermaids wait for no one and are willing to show themselves only to those who believe. They can guide you towards a world only a few get to see.

As uneasy as the others say I should feel, I’d never stay; not for long, not at all. You are now powerless against me. The more words I learn, the less I need yours. The more I understand, the less I need to.

Your presence is no longer required. Your chapter in the book was in the middle. It existed but is no longer necessary to write, to create. I must continue to swim and explore the story I can feel and touch with my imagination.

There is a story to tell. This one will only welcome those secure enough to contribute to the storyline. We get caught in reality too often; we forget why the stories are more important than us…they don’t age; maybe only in wisdom but never in time.

There is a story to tell and nobody matters more than the plot. It’s unique and it’s timeless.

We might age but what we get to tell remains for those who stay. We needn’t forget our responsibility to say, that which shouldn’t be forgotten. The mundane is easily taken into account when it only fills the gaps from one picture to the next. The moments worth capturing are the stories that will remain not only in our subconscious but in whichever form we choose to express our pretty little stories.

I feel you

I keep moving just in time for you to miss me. I finally arrive just to find you’ve left. But I can feel your energy and my presence has been acknowledged even after you’re gone.

Because you’re grand, I have to make space for your presence here in my head. Some will have to leave for you to fit in.

Many have unexpectedly walked out. I like to think it’s because my soul told them to do so. My body will miss parts of them but I must trust that which I can feel but cannot always touch.

You’ve taken longer than usual getting here, you never have been punctual; one of the many things I love to hate about you. I’ve strayed from the path whenever something shiny distracts me. Our bodies are aging but our souls are growing.

I can feel the joy only life can provide.

I do not need anyone to survive. I stand alone in the jungle but am no longer afraid. All I need, I have. Never to forget the creatures and the one beautiful angel sent from the clouds to guide me thorough.

I can feel you and you become me. I vibrate light and you smile because you can feel it, me.

I will remove myself from any obstacle that won’t let me see far enough to feel you. I will arrive to you and I will make your walking in as clear as the water I so much enjoy from the river; constantly moving. You will become the easiest decision I have ever made.

I will heal myself from the wars I’ve fought just in time for you to meet me halfway. What I’ve walked alone is as important as anything I could walk with you. Time ceases to exist when you focus on abundance, love and peace.

I can tap into you and the feeling is as beautiful as anything my vision could possibly grasp.

A lovely love letter

Dear you:

Today is a day to celebrate you. Today is a day where the person who keeps all the secrets of love, spreads her love another year. It’s a day in time that is paused so that all the living stops and stares at all the greatness that is you. I’ve always considered myself to be objective. And yes, you are in my life and I do know you very well, but I also know people and I know life and you are that one soul; A soul amongst a million others that was born to shine brighter than light itself.

I love you not only because of who you are but also because of what you do. I love how flawlessly happy you are. I admire your sense of selflessness and forgiveness.

Yesterday you were there. You knew me before I existed and I chose you because my soul craved the unconditional love only you could provide. As soon as I started to breathe, you were there and you smiled. You smiled because you knew it was meant to be, it was endless.

Today is where you were born to be. Your ability to be present is that of the enlightened ones. Here we are again and still as happy and strong as ever. Nothing has to change for our love to continue to bloom and grow. Today is a day in time where we stand and stare at the lessons and the memories. Thank you for continuing your long line legacy of love.

Tomorrow is less known, but equally wonderful. The picture I can see of myself always has you in it, no matter what I do or where I go. The images of love are as predictable as the love that inevitably unfolds before us. The messages you carry are as inspiring as life itself can be. You are the positive in any negative. You are the smile in the midst of the madness. You are here and I am grateful to be here with you.

Thank you for existing and proving that some things are meant to last and continue eternally. You’re the loveliest form of love I have ever known and I could never settle for less than what you’ve taught me to deserve. Have the loveliest day, with the loveliest things and all the lovely people that love you. I love you.

Me

My tattoos

“Sights and Sounds pull me back down another year. I WAS HERE. I WAS HERE.” –Tori Amos

There was a time when the world made no sense to me. The world outside was never understood and barely accepted. Instead of living in it, I decided to create my own. I maybe met a couple of souls that understood and all we could do was drink wine and share our insides. Right then and there we poured ourselves out and decided to enjoy the silence. I’m the luckiest girl because the most special creatures reveal themselves to me and as soon as I see their beautiful ink, I tattoo them all over my body and never forget every single inch of their being. Yes, my memory can be cruel at times but in times like these, I love it. I remember every single one of you. Now it all makes a little more sense.

Here are my tattoos; An angel that gave me life and is a constant light no matter which path I find myself in; she is who I want to become; a childhood friend who is trustworthy of the key to every single one of my secrets; a twin who’s my exact opposite, he protects me from the evils of the world, as impossible as it seems. Wonderful Los Angeles creatures that helped me see beauty from within and to hear the voice that had been there all along. A Christian boy that saved me from myself; perfect timing we had. You gave me music, so much beauty. A make up artist that painted the world with watercolor hope; San Francisco girls that taught me about compassion. An unconventional chef that not only sweetens the world with her bluntness but also saves puppies. A communicator that loves love; a psychologist that quietly sneaked her wit into my world. An underwater creature that makes a difference and many teachers that have made life not only grammatically correct but also properly lived; a kick ass bartender with a lifetime of wise stories to tell. And the new souls that have shown me a strong scene and will make this one unforgettable, literally.

So yes, I have lived and fully. I have had spaces of loneliness and misunderstandings. I have finally fallen in love, if only for a second. I have felt the pain but I’ve felt the joy. I am the queen of trying and failing. I couldn’t, even if I begged, take any of it back. I have seen different angles of the same scenes and I love them all. It’s never truly what it seems. I like to change the looking glass often so I can taste every single color in the box. I haven’t physically moved as much but have changed my mind several times. I have heard the music, I have danced, and I have seemed insane. The images are engraved and the memories stored. I have also tried too hard and sometimes never hard enough. I am anything but one thing and my own company has also been an influencing one. Thank you for existing and thank you for being. Every single second, minute and moment wouldn’t have been as amazing without you.

You

Words are heavy but actions are worth the weight of silver. Words are uttered into the wind and difficult to catch. Words crave to create gold but I’ve always been fond of the silver lining. Words are deceiving depending on how much meaning they contain within their letters. They lose meaning when actions reflect their opposite. Words have the power to make promises but only actions hold the key to keep them.

Actions are underrated and taken for granted. Actions reflect truth, always. Why would it matter whether you say I love you if what you do is what shines most. Actions remain floating in my subconscious and I replay the scenes over and over again. Actions have the power to remain as long as we crave for them to stay, even forever. Actions become infinite and that’s when it all becomes worthwhile.

The light wants you to stay but the darkness fears you won’t. I don’t want red to be blue without you but instead have a constant green that never vanishes. I want you to remain but more importantly, for you to desire to stay wherever my restless heart desires to be.

I asked what you wanted and you said: “you.”

You asked what I wanted and I said: “you.”

Desire should control its urges. I do not want more than what I have. I want you to fly but more importantly, I want you to be free. I want you near, but more importantly I want your happiness. I crave for this to last but even more so for it to be real.

I asked what you wanted and you said: “you.”

You asked what I wanted and I said: “you.”

You have shown me how to place more importance in the actions than in words. You have shown me what love should be like. You want me as much as I want you. You inspire me not to change. You proved me wrong when I doubted your existence. You walked in and gave me no choice but to jump into the volcano. As scary as it was, you made it inevitable. Your words sweeten the days and your actions paint the sky the color of joy.

I asked what you wanted and you said: “you.”

You asked what I wanted and I said: “you.”