When you put yourself out there again and your heart gets horribly broken. When you finally found someone you wanted to watch stars with over and over again and it’s ripped away from you, completely unnatural. When that same person can’t say how they feel after you’ve gone through the surgery to be able to give them your heart. I gave my heart away yesterday and it has been put away, on hold. He didn’t throw it away or play with it but he wasn’t sure. It’s that day when it aches and you really hope that one of those illogical legends that the end of the world is near can actually be true. You want the end to be close because thinking of any sort of beginning without love isn’t really worth having.
When you thought you had figured it out and a piece of the puzzle fit your very odd picture that you’re trying to create. And then you realize you were wrong, again.
Today is that day. The day my heart is on hold and breaking slowly since it needs my body to function. I let him go because I cannot keep anyone who doesn’t want to stay. I hope still that he will come back, whilst forcing myself not to be optimistic about something that almost always ends in sorrow.
It’s that day you dreaded. The day after his actions didn’t match his words, his promises had to be stolen before he actually made them. It’s a day when a lot of beauty is unfolding but the blindness of the love lost, clouds the judgement and is making new memories foggy. Sleeping seems impossible, eating optional and living unbearable. Without him life will go on but the heart that is in storage beats slower by the minute. As soon as I get back home I have to take it out of the box you put it in and live with it.
I wish I could say this is the last day like this but that would be a lie. Being a queen of attention to detail makes it that much harder to forget and eventually move on. You can forget and probably will soon enough. And the shining light inside reminds me how grateful I should be and even enjoy the excruciating pain given to me on that day that is today.
Today is that day when breathing is harder and walking is slower. A day when love is expressed all around me and even the air I breathe reminds me of you. Not just what obviously should remind me of your presence but even the things you’ve never seen or touched are filled with your presence because you’re here, in my head. The looking glass of my mind filters everything through you and it has the color of your skin and everybody seems to have the color of your eyes.
Today is that day when I’m here again, heartbroken but not broken.