The thought of you

The thought of you is haunting. It crawls in and it won’t let go of me. The memories last because they’re deep. The feeling has a name but I haven’t found it yet. The thought changes its form and it always takes your place. The thought of you smiles at me and knows. It knows what I’m feeling and how deep it goes. It had waited to find me because my heart had to grow big enough to feel you. Logic tries to deny me the pleasure of going in; today I won’t let it.

Passion grows and it shape shifts into trees and moments and experiences that never seem to end. I’m underwater and I’m up in the air. I’m here and I’m there and I’m everywhere and all I can see and think is you. I close my eyes and the thought is felt by the touch of your hand and that very unique smile on your face you have when you see me. It reminds me how much you love me even when you’re not close enough to hold me. It whispers lullabies that sound sweet and soft. It sometimes screams and makes me feel alive. The thought of you also reminds me of the challenges and it kindly tells me that love isn’t the absence of hardship but the growth it inevitably brings. I smile knowing that the path is lived tighter and closer than before because of them. I found the thought of you in my head and it was chasing me. You sometimes take a hold of me and I let you because it feels amazing and inspiring. Your eyes are leaves. As a child I always wanted a leaf because it is perfect and beautiful and sheds green and light wherever it happens to be; your eyes do the same for me. They shed green and light and give me hope even when hopelessness is trying to bring me down.

The thought of you reminds me who I was and who I am. It reminds me how deep down inside I knew all along what was real and what wasn’t. I thought I was insane for wanting more and wanting it as soon as humanly possible. It turns out the thought of you was real way before I met you. Having faith felt impossible at times because having you was necessary; and even though you were very close, we were worlds apart. The difficulties and mistakes from the past had to be lived and made in order to be able to finally see you. I probably passed by you a thousand times but I just couldn’t see you. You say I’m the invisible woman because you weren’t ready to see me. I couldn’t see you either. Now I see you, I feel you and I think you. Now you’re here.

The future is always unknown but the present is given and is meant to be enjoyed and acknowledged. The thought of you today needed to be felt. The thought of you keeps going and loves the red and the raw and the passion. The thought of you makes me smile and makes me want to be completely and absolutely me. It teaches me about compassion and growth and it reminds me how love should be. It isn’t perfect, it’s magical.

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Hers and mine

This concept came to me whilst I admired a red head’s music. A singer songwriter at heart, I not only listen to her music; I breathe it in, I feel it pass through me. I shiver as the piano makes that very grand sound. She has compared playing the piano to breathing. I can only imagine that it’s because it comes so naturally to her and because without it she simply couldn’t live, it wouldn’t be her. I see her and it’s inexplicable. For the longest time I wanted to be her. How could I not? Her enchanting talent, her message, and her strength were empowering. Especially to a little girl who wasn’t sure who she wanted to be.

But now I want to be me. I want my voice to be heard. Not with desperation, but with a certain calmness that only maturity can bring. I wanted to be anyone but myself and that is the opposite of what my desire should have been. The one true reason I admire the people that I do is because they are unapologetically themselves. Why then would I strive not to do the same?

Most people who know me well enough say that music is the path for my voice to be heard. But I can see several paths. I can see a straight line and a zigzag. I can see the moments when it’s downhill and the uphill cliff. I want to try the fruit from different trees, not just one. I might not be able to try it all, but at least some. I love the music, but I also love the words. I love the images and also the designs. I strive to be myself and every single shade in between.

This time I will do it and I will do it right. I will rid myself of confusion and doubt. I will let go of the fear and finally embrace who I am. So far, it’s been quite liberating. I guess the only obstacle to become me, was me.

Yes, her voice is enchanting and has a very unique message from Peggy. But mine can be just as great. Admiration can blind us into forgetting about ourselves and our expression. It’s no one’s fault. It’s our job to fall in love with this body we’re in. It’s our job to be infatuated with the creature that is us. Because if we aren’t madly in bliss with the experience we’re having, what’s the point of life? It’s incredible how we give our power away when we should protect it.

Her voice inspired me to find my own and for that I am forever grateful. Just never forget, in the midst of the madness, that more than looking up to anybody…you should look up to yourself. Then suddenly, your worries won’t be a burden; they’ll slowly vanish. You’ll breathe easy and know there’s nothing better than being your own.

Voiced

Today, I sing. Today isn’t perfect but right. Today, I have a voice and won’t be left silent.

Only when you’re left silent and alone do you truly appreciate your voice and honest company. After you’ve felt it, you can’t go back. You cross over to the other side and trust you’ll somehow find your way. It’s sometimes dark and unknown but beautiful in how it blooms.

It makes you tremble, it makes you doubt, even fear. But you should still walk through. I couldn’t do it. I wanted to walk into the other galaxy and shine but wasn’t ready. I’m slowly learning to be kind, to be fine.

Today, I sing. Today, I not only sing but cherish it more than words can say. I had a voice and I lost it. I had a voice and I didn’t believe in it. I had a voice and started to love it. I have a voice and today is the day when I sing again.

How beautiful it is to have a voice; to be heard, to live. Once you get to know who you are you feel like you shine, you must walk through the door and float.

It took me forever to get here but I am here. I’m not her but I get to be me. I’m not perfect but today I get to sing. I’m on my own and finally at peace with what I’ve grown into.

It can get tricky but it is crucial to find your voice. It might be big or tiny but it’s yours and nobody else has the message you have, so fear nothing. It sounds generic at times but it’s true.

Question whatever doesn’t make sense and make up your own rules. You’ll be surprised how it finds a way to word itself out. Voice your thought, voice your message and you might inspire others to venture out and find who they really are.

You might be close or far, far away, that doesn’t matter. All that matters is that you get there. Get there even if you must face demons and monsters. Get there and then the piece start to finally fall in the right place. Find your sound and the voices in your head will start making much more sense.

Longing

I always want more. I always long for someone, for something. I don’t know if this is my destiny but it’s how I feel. I’ve been trying to feel good and feel like I’ve somewhat succeeded. I don’t know how to stop longing for him. The problem with longing is how much we miss out. I almost missed meeting a great guy because I was longing for more, wondering and desiring the dream in my head. I want to be happy, I want to fly. I always wonder. I wonder about what could have been and what is. I am open to learning though, that saves me from myself. I never completely believe whatever I believe in. I am open to suggestions if it’ll make me happier.

I want to be zen. I want to be healthy and have a great body. I want balance and I want things to make just enough sense to be joyous. I want to be desired and loved. I long for him. I also think of him longing for me and I smile. He’s far away and I don’t know if I’ll ever see him again.

I long for a moment where there’s nothing more to long for. I do admire passion and know longing can be full of it. I have an artist’s soul and want people to feel even if it isn’t perfect. I don’t want to hide how I feel and be free.

There’s no conclusion but that I’ll sit in this tiny chair, reading a book and long for you. I’ll sing and hope that someday, somehow you’ll listen. I’ll sit here, waiting, smiling, crying and longing only for you and for me and what we could have been together.

I’m not in love

We live to breathe. We live to strive. We live to seek. We live to find. Sometimes we even live to love. Today is the day of independence; the day where solitude is celebrated and questioned. No, I’m not in love. We try to survive. We know not what will come and yet we’re here. I’m not in love.

I don’t know much but I know that I am not in love. It makes me feel somewhat lost. It makes me feel somewhat inspired. At times it feels it’s by chance. At times it feels it’s by choice.

Should I be ashamed by such a statement? Should I be looking for someone to love? I don’t know.

As many other endeavors, I don’t know. But I do know that of all the things I currently do not know much about, this is the one I know the least of. This is that one thing that I have to stop myself from writing constantly about. I think it is a combination of nature and nurture.

I am well aware of its nature and how we are born with some sort of innate right to be loved. But I do feel influenced at times. I feel influenced by all this mass media that is trying to run me over. I feel as though I should either want it or die. I don’t want to die. I want to live. I want to live with or without you. I want to be happy with or without you.

On nights like tonight I want not to want you. I want not to wonder. I only crave that which is and could be but not that which isn’t.

We should question everything. We should want not only what we think we want but also what we should want. Control isn’t ideal but it is useful. I want to stay true to myself and yet know the difference between what is real and unreal. You are real but wanting to control your timing seems unreal and selfish.

I am here and I am not in love. Sometimes I can cope and sometimes I feel as though I am the lead character in the opera of my life and that my heart cannot seem to beat without you. Fascinating opposites seduce me as usual.

But tonight I am not in love and it pains me yet it frees me. What this all means still intrigues me and I will continue to search and witness its attraction for as long as I shall live. It will and can come but until it does, I will wonder and I will be intrigued by its mystery and absence; by its passion and constraint.

It is puzzled and it shall make sense somehow; even if it kills me, even if it rains.

Magical duo

This is a tribute to him and her. The ones that keep fighting The Civil Wars that seem timeless but sadly will come to an end. They have put a spell on me with their melodic voices. The tension between their souls is almost as palpable as their chemistry. Why do we fight? How can we let go of something magical just because we can’t coexist? Must we let go of the love of our lives just because it’s complicated? I do not know what is happening in between their lives but I am a witness to their bittersweet musical interpretation.

They’re on the tip of my tongue and I feel no one can replace their braided souls. Yes, it makes sense that it would be complex for them to be able to compose such beauty in paper.

They decided to name themselves in honor of the wars we fight constantly. What I didn’t expect was for the war to become bigger than the magic. If I’m ever as lucky as to find that piece of the puzzle, I won’t be able to let go of it; it simply fits too perfectly. The Civil Wars were built on the tension and the passion. They could draw from the source of all the opposites we feel when in love and out of love. Falling for them was as inevitable as a dreamer following a dream. The flowers bloom and so does the girl with the red balloon.

The secret little stories uttered into the wind in the form of notes have had an impact on my life. They might love and hate each other but all I feel for them is admiration and gratitude for the inspiration they have brought out in me. The little black dress and the bow tie complement each other so well that it probably clouded their vision of what mattered most. I do not know them but know of what they have done and that’s enough to crave them long time.

Maybe from where they’re standing there’s only poison and not enough wine. From where they are, they have caught amnesia and have forgotten how much they can’t do without each other. But so long as the magic keeps flowing through, I’ll keep listening and hoping. The volcano has erupted but what has come of it is an endless supply of unforgettable whispers sung deep into my veins.

This is a tribute not just to the artists but also to the source that they were able to so clearly tap. Whatever happens; beauty, chaos and art happened because of something bigger than the people themselves. So long as the instruments of inspiration keep flowing through, this world will make sense; it always will.

You

Words are heavy but actions are worth the weight of silver. Words are uttered into the wind and difficult to catch. Words crave to create gold but I’ve always been fond of the silver lining. Words are deceiving depending on how much meaning they contain within their letters. They lose meaning when actions reflect their opposite. Words have the power to make promises but only actions hold the key to keep them.

Actions are underrated and taken for granted. Actions reflect truth, always. Why would it matter whether you say I love you if what you do is what shines most. Actions remain floating in my subconscious and I replay the scenes over and over again. Actions have the power to remain as long as we crave for them to stay, even forever. Actions become infinite and that’s when it all becomes worthwhile.

The light wants you to stay but the darkness fears you won’t. I don’t want red to be blue without you but instead have a constant green that never vanishes. I want you to remain but more importantly, for you to desire to stay wherever my restless heart desires to be.

I asked what you wanted and you said: “you.”

You asked what I wanted and I said: “you.”

Desire should control its urges. I do not want more than what I have. I want you to fly but more importantly, I want you to be free. I want you near, but more importantly I want your happiness. I crave for this to last but even more so for it to be real.

I asked what you wanted and you said: “you.”

You asked what I wanted and I said: “you.”

You have shown me how to place more importance in the actions than in words. You have shown me what love should be like. You want me as much as I want you. You inspire me not to change. You proved me wrong when I doubted your existence. You walked in and gave me no choice but to jump into the volcano. As scary as it was, you made it inevitable. Your words sweeten the days and your actions paint the sky the color of joy.

I asked what you wanted and you said: “you.”

You asked what I wanted and I said: “you.”

Dying

Some days I feel like I’m going to die. I get an urge to tell those that I love how much they mean to me as if the end was near. I’m actually running out of time. Aren’t we all? As crazy as it sounds, I don’t think it’s that insane. But then I look at so many around me, especially men…they don’t like it when I say everything I feel or when I’m impulsive and have these urges to be open with my heart. To them, I’m a basket case. It really doesn’t matter except when it hurts like Hell and I end up not getting what I want, love. I remember each and every guy that has hurt or disappointed me and I still cannot seem to shake off the feeling that I’m dying. By some sort of miracle I still believe there will be a guy who appreciates how I seize the moment and he will do the same with me. But so far, they don’t get me. Lately I’ve realized this is the problem. Most guys don’t get me and it’s important that they do. I know how peculiar I can be, but not so much so that no one gets me. My friends and family seem to embrace my insanity and I truly do not take it for granted.

Not saying how I feel seems almost impossible. I know I am easily misunderstood but it shouldn’t be that hard. If someone doesn’t get me, they shouldn’t get to be in my life. I seem to hold on to those that do not appreciate me and this is something that must change. I know my heart and I know how much love it has.

I’m dying and I do need others to survive the living but I guess I just have to wait until someone knows that we are all dying too and that life is too short to waste. Each and every moment is precious and I cannot find another way to be. And in spite of all the pain, I know it’s worth it to be the way I am. I don’t know how or why but I just know that the day will come where I will be understood; not just by him but by many.

So if you know that we’re dying and cannot seem to hold it in, don’t. Surround yourself by those that seize the moment and aren’t intimidated by your fearlessness. The fears in my heart belong to someone else. When I am truly honest, I know how to be and I mustn’t forget that. Against all odds, I will continue to be myself and I encourage everyone else to do the same. When I say that we’re dying, it’s just a reminder of how important it is to live and live passionately.

What you never said

You’re usually in San Francisco even though you might live in Colorado. The color of your eyes change; depends on the day and the light. All the things you never said are engraved in my mind, as real as you. You can’t help but love me because of how unique I am. We go to all sorts of places, our friends are great. When you look at me, I am no longer troubled because there’s nothing to worry about.

Tomorrow we might go to another perfect place and we dress similarly. You never knew you could love like this. I always knew you were the one, even if it took you a while to recognize who I was.

This time I can’t remember where we are, but I remember you. I forgive you for taking so damn long to find me here. You almost didn’t make it on time. I’ll never forget when you didn’t say how you loved us because the world stopped when we were together and because our love wasn’t perfect but real and real was meant to last forever.

I don’t know why I want you in this world so much. Maybe because this is where I have to spend most of my time or maybe because I can remember what happens here more than there. I want you here, I’m selfish like that.

You never said you loved me but Imagination told me you did and I believed her. Imagination is an old friend that has given me great joy, how could I not trust her? She gets to talk to you and create beautiful moments I cannot seem to forget. Yes, I miss what I haven’t seen in this world but I’m hoping that if it’s in my head, it will soon be in my hands.

I remember what you never said and I’ll never forget. And when you’re here, I’ll be grateful because I knew; and for now that’s enough. Until then, I will never forget what you never said because it’s as real as the air I can touch.

Worth

It´s easy to get off track; it´s easy to want something and forget what it´s all really about. I hold my life very dear and I find it annoying when I´m the one that forgets how precious and worthy it is. When someone disrespects us, we allow it to happen. I´ve put myself in a situation I don´t like but then I remember my worth and all the beautiful colors and shapes my life carries in its pockets and I remember. I love to write, I love to sing, I love to listen and observe. I love to teach and I love to evolve. I love to read and I love to grow in the most unlikely circumstances.

They insert a chip inside our brains saying we cannot possibly end up alone or there is clinically something wrong with us. I was raised in a conservative society where judgment was strong. As much as I like to believe I´ve broken free from the cage, the strong energy belonging to the constraining environment I grew up in, cripples inside my brain now and then. I have to remind myself constantly of who I am and what I truly believe in. Yes, I have made mistakes but never big enough not to keep being myself and knowing there´s nothing wrong.

I wish romance was as easy as friendship. When it comes to attracting friends, I´m a pro and I feel really lucky to have the friends that I do; past present and even future. No matter what I`m going through, I have loved ones reminding me how valuable and wonderful I am, I do not take it for granted.

I´ve felt lonely lately and that´s OK. I´m tired of resisting what is. I thought I could beat myself to death asking myself whether I´ve done something wrong or not. I used to wonder if I was good enough. And then I look at myself honestly and I clearly see my worth. I still wonder what drives us to forget our worth; what drives us to question who we are and what we deserve.

I know I´m complex and my life has been an unconventional one. But at the end of the day, I never want to be the person that plays the victim but instead survives and comes out better and stronger no matter what. It´s easier said than done, but the more I believe who I want to be, the more likely I´ll become her. I do feel I´m on my way and I hope I get to be who I´ve always wanted to be soon enough. And until then, I´m happy with who I am; with or without you.

As my good friend Nick would say, remember what is worth your time and what isn´t and when it´s not, let it go…as simple as that.