Written in the stars

It was a wondrous day. She woke up and something happened.

It was a normal day. She woke up and nothing happened.

What fills our days with wonder? We do.

I have a wondrous mother. She wakes up and smiles. She’s been through thick and thin and still decides to look at the good. She’s a good witch.

I’m a combination between a good and bad witch. I have a bundle of emotions inside of me battling on a daily basis. My biggest enemy is inaction. I know I’m meant to be doing something great and I’m still a bit stuck. It’s OK. This is my magic. My magic is expressing myself; even if only one person reads, that’s my magic. I also sing. I also paint. I have colors and shapes trying to make their way out of my being. I apologize to those things for not having more time and discipline to let them out. I’m sorry I haven’t had more people listen. I swear I will keep trying if it kills me.

I am an artist. Saying that is hard. Who decided what you are? I guess it’s just what you want to do even if they don’t pay you. No one pays me to do this and here I am.

I have potions that make me be understanding and I am. I feel what the person next to me feels. I always have a sense that I’m in the wrong song but I sorta keep calm and carry on. There’s no room for everyone to be someone in this world but there is room for me because, once again, I am here. We are human beings; not human doings. When did we forget that? I always forget and if I’m not doing anything I feel guilty. Enjoying and living and pushing through is sometimes enough.

It’s either written in the stars or it’s not. You either do something or do nothing. You write your story on a daily basis and you decide what you do with it. I certainly want to do much more with it and all I truly want deep inside is to make my mom proud.

Follow your star and if you haven’t found it yet, write it.

Nothing is something

I don’t know well enough to know. I don’t know anything anymore. After a never ending succession of events happening one after the other and getting them all mixed up in in my head, it’s gotten confusing. You’d think that things get easier, but that’s not always the case. You become more peaceful, more mature, and if you’re lucky maybe even wiser. But I guess easy isn’t always our desire. After carefully evaluating all the collections I’ve acquired throughout the years, it’s a fact that easier hasn’t been my favorite color in the crayon box. Sometimes it was on purpose, other times it wasn’t. Now I’m here and there’s a situation that’s nothing that could easily turn into something.

There’s a he involved and he is as complex and intertwined into himself as I am. Chaos? We will see. Should it be a nothing left as a nothing? Of course not. Will he leave it as a nothing? Time will tell.

There’s not much to do but ignore the ignorant voice in my head saying dreadful things and simply listen to the trapped butterflies. He seems broken but kind. He seems interested but distant. His actions speak louder than words.

He was sent from a different galaxy. The fact that I understand his brain could either be taken as a wonderful casualty or a horrible disaster. All I know is that he makes me laugh and keeps it interesting. That’s enough to let the nothing twist and turn into whatever it’s supposed to. All I have to do is get out of the way, which is extremely difficult for me.

Nothing is something when what use to bother you doesn’t as much; when you look forward to tomorrow even if it’s just an average day. It doesn’t have to be perfect, it simply has to be real.

Let anything and everything become something. Just let it. It’s a risk you’ll regret not taking. I didn’t even want to write about it thinking it would be giving it too much attention. This heart of mine is always screaming for attention. That’s OK. I only get to experience this life through being me and I should embrace that. Let life be, let life happen, let life smile when you least expect it. Let life show you a star after weeks of the cloudiest skies. I never want to forget how it all works. I don’t have it all figured out but I do feel happier than I have in a very long time. It’s probably the yellowed winged angel looking out for me closely from the heavenly sky.

Don’t be afraid and let it be something. It’s not about what it means to anybody else but you. Enjoy it.

Nothing

Sometimes there’s absolutely nothing to say. And yet, we force ourselves to fill the spaces of silence with anything. I want to be free from myself. I am excited to start the day, to eat healthy and work out. Simplicity is underrated. The moment you let go of everything and just lose yourself in the night is the moment everything starts to work out. Sometimes all we need is nothing. Less action; trusting without doing. Living without losing. It’s very powerful. Try it.

Sometimes doing nothing is harder than doing something. Not thinking when your mind is trying to drive you crazy is a breakthrough.

Some days I wake up and I don’t want to be me. Some days I wonder what could have been. I know it’s wrong just by the way it feels. I know dread isn’t the way to feeling fulfilled. Mother says I’m doing great, why then can’t I see it?

By doing nothing, something comes up. By thinking nothing, some positive note might presents itself. Let go and let flow. Do your best and then do nothing. I don’t know when we decided to control everything. I don’t know when it became so overwhelming.

Sometimes there’s nothing and that’s fine. Sometimes we should simple let go of what was never meant to be controlled.

Everything

I never knew what I wanted to be. For so long I didn’t know, it became a habit. I’ve been an event planner, a make up artist, a translator, an English teacher, a Spanish teacher, a fundraising assistant, a singer, a photographer, a writer, a blogger, and an entrepreneur. I’ve tried studying it all and I cannot seem to focus. I want to be everything.

I still haven’t found it. The balance I so desperately seek seems so close and yet so far. The perfect life seems to take a step back when it takes a look at my crazy decisions; it stays put. The perfect relationship puts me on probation when I show it what I have to show for myself; it doesn’t seem like much. I swear it’s completely my fault but I simply didn’t know any better. Can I fix it? Well, is there anything to fix? Having a logical, scientific and very successful older brother also doesn’t help my brain accept myself just the way I am. He has a lot to show for himself.

I do write well, I feel good when I write. But is that enough? I want success, I want joy; I want love. It’s always excluded. I thought having amazing friends made it worth it; they’re all gone. I have had awesome experiences, interesting friends and a beautiful connection with my mother. But where am I going when I don’t know where I want to go? I want to write, I want to sing and I want to move away from the tiny town I was born in. I need money to do all of that and I’m not really there. So, to do everything you apparently have to have a purpose. I swear sometimes I feel like I do have some sort of purpose. It leaves me stranded and I often feel lost again. I just don’t fully fit. Will this be my happily ever after? It doesn’t make me sad. I have hope and I know for a fact it’s never too late. I’m flakey but flakey has now made me feel stuck, again.

I will write because I need to. I will sing because I can. I will create. But I must find a more concrete path and find a way out. I want to do it all but I’m not sure if one life is enough. Especially not when I started when I did. That’s fine. I’m done resisting what is. But I do gradually want to move out of what it’s been. I want to keep all the good and change what’s been bad.

My mom thinks it’s being pessimistic but I simply think the future is too far away and sometimes changing little things in the present can make everything different. I don’t want to give up; I want to believe in miracles. I want to be a dreamer and a realist. Once again, be everything but in a smarter way. I honestly do not know if this makes any sense or if anything will truly change. But all I can do is try and if I fail again and again at least I’ll know I never gave up. I might not have found my place in this world but I’ll die trying and in doing so, I’ll be and feel everything I possibly can. So far, so good.

Nothing

I have nothing to write about and yet I’m writing and I realize it means everything. Nothing means peace. Nothing means no over-thinking. I realize that we human beings are very complicated. We have to have something to think about and find what’s missing…it’s unfair. I want to enjoy having nothing in my mind…except enjoying things as they are and that means I have everything. Of course things aren’t perfect…but I am perfecting myself. Of course there are things to do…but I realize that peace of mind is the greatest goal I’ve accomplished.

I’m grateful for my life…if it ended tomorrow…I would be happy because I lived; only one thing left…to love. The real kind of love and for it to be mutual. Yes it is always in my head, don’t know if it’s normal but I think it almost every day. I’m just happy that I’m whole being single so that when love arrives it will be a beautiful addition to my happiness as I will be to him.

I will enjoy nothing and everything; and when things get rough or lonely I’ll just know that with patience and confidence…it’ll pass and God made me strong and happy enough to overcome anything. I just know that I am me…and God has not made a single mistake in my life…so we’ll see what blessing come my way. I cannot wait to see what is next.