There isn’t much

I haven’t much to say but must speak. I am silent here standing by myself and I feel responsible. I feel I must keep calm and carry on. There have been obstacles and monsters…they didn’t kill me, so I must continue. I thought the monsters were my friends and I was wrong.

Today there isn’t much and that means a whole lot. Today I’m letting go of what is beyond my control.

It is as important to let go as it is to act. It is as crucial to be silent as it is to speak up.

There isn’t much but I’m doing this for someone beside myself. I no longer want to be selfish but selfless. Old habits die hard and letting go of myself will be complicated. I want to be better and know I can do it all; so can you.

Even when there isn’t much to do or say; move forward, start over and don’t look back. Know you’re not here to question but to live the unknown. Stop asking yourself why and simply think how.

There isn’t much left and yet here I am, giving you whatever is left of me. I trust you will take care of my soul better than I ever could. I love you and I trust you.


Pretty little stories

As lonely as it can get without another body, I’d take your story before I’d take you. You can become instantly unnecessary as soon as I become my own. I can see myself from the outside and it suddenly becomes easier, impressionably livable.

Your flaws are held against you. They make you cause pain. Your actions are sadly obvious. Completely unaware of what you’ve done. Yes, you can hurt but you don’t necessarily leave a mark. Whatever you had to say wasn’t worth including in the story because it wasn’t epic enough.

I can live without you but I can’t live without me. I can breathe underwater but I can’t take you with me. You don’t know what it takes to swim in the depths. The mermaids wait for no one and are willing to show themselves only to those who believe. They can guide you towards a world only a few get to see.

As uneasy as the others say I should feel, I’d never stay; not for long, not at all. You are now powerless against me. The more words I learn, the less I need yours. The more I understand, the less I need to.

Your presence is no longer required. Your chapter in the book was in the middle. It existed but is no longer necessary to write, to create. I must continue to swim and explore the story I can feel and touch with my imagination.

There is a story to tell. This one will only welcome those secure enough to contribute to the storyline. We get caught in reality too often; we forget why the stories are more important than us…they don’t age; maybe only in wisdom but never in time.

There is a story to tell and nobody matters more than the plot. It’s unique and it’s timeless.

We might age but what we get to tell remains for those who stay. We needn’t forget our responsibility to say, that which shouldn’t be forgotten. The mundane is easily taken into account when it only fills the gaps from one picture to the next. The moments worth capturing are the stories that will remain not only in our subconscious but in whichever form we choose to express our pretty little stories.

Piece of the puzzle

I wake up and my mind starts to scan for thoughts. It immediately turns to you and frustration takes a hold of me. Then it comes, the light. I cannot control you or anybody else at that. Just because you choose to live a life I don’t agree with does not mean I should too. I want to control that which was created to be controlled. All I can manage is what I have. Endless amount of time has gone into asking myself why it is the way it is. What I did not know before was that the result of that energy spent was pointless. I will never know why so many have disappointed me, it’s not my job to know why; it’s my job to work on becoming better with every passing experience.

I want a healthy and beautiful body. I want to be the best teacher I can be. I want to go to school to actually learn and grow, not to pass a class. I want to feel beautiful. I want to sing and I want to write. I want to dress in many colors or maybe black and white. I want to be the kind of person that inspires others to be happy. All of these things I can control by trying my best. When it comes to others, I can accept them as they are and know that every single soul that has crossed my path has had a purpose. Yes, I’ve been hurt; but wallowing in a reality that brings pain doesn’t allow me to move on with my life.

I wake up and I try to remind myself what I can and can’t control. Just because you’re there, doesn’t mean you get to spread into every single area of my life. Just because I feel lonely doesn’t mean other parts of the puzzle aren’t as precious or important. I cherish my life and I do not like it when I think I have a right to look down on it just because someone didn’t cherish it enough to be a part of it. Maybe I cannot see it now but his piece of the puzzle would not have fit into the big picture anyhow. That’s why I have to stop trying to make a piece fit when there are other pieces ready to be a part of the beautiful picture of my life. Yes, I wish you would have been a piece of the puzzle but I know that when it fits, it fits. When it doesn’t, you cannot force it. Make sure the pieces of your puzzle make sense and fit perfectly. Once you have a clear view of the image that is coming together, you’ll be glad you didn’t force it.

If only…

I wish I could make you love me. I wish I didn’t feel as intensely as I do. Is this the greatest blessing or the greatest curse? I cannot seem to be able to stop the crying and yet, deep inside, I know that it’s just life happening and there’s absolutely nothing I can do about it. I met him and I didn’t even know. If only I had known he was gonna leave me like this. Indifference can kill me slowly and miserably. If only I could let it go. I wish I could learn how to change and move on. I wish I knew how to cope with the feeling that overwhelms me without a warning.

I wish I could make you love me but then again, should I? If I know I’m worthy of love, I should know that if someone cannot love me, then maybe he’s not worthy of the precious love I have to give. This is much easier said than done. I wish I could easily put into practice what I preach. If only I could get through this knowing that it will be OK again and that I will love again. Why is it so easy to forget? I wish we could remind ourselves how this too shall pass. But no, I’m inside a glass full of water and I’m drowning as if I were the only person in the world that has ever gone through a heartbreak. I guess his absent broken heart makes mine ache even more than it normally would.

If only I could rise above the drama and let it go. If only I could have someone to love for once. I guess it could be something that I’m doing or that I’m not doing. For now, I’m not getting what I want and all I can do is force myself, against my will, to believe that it will be OK and that somewhere somehow there is someone who will not only love me but  will do it the right way. I’m not asking for perfect, I’m asking for passion and commitment and not an ounce of doubt in both our hearts.