For my munchkin

He’s innocent and perfect. He doesn’t know right from wrong. He’s the purest form of love I’ve known. He smiles happily and showers everyone with joy. 

I’d been going through a low season and was having a hard time keeping calm and carrying on. Then he appeared and it was a reminder to do it for him. Sometimes we cannot be kind to ourselves but then let’s do it for someone else. 

More people than we know is inspired by us. More people than we know need our love. More people than we know need our positive vibrations. Let’s give it. How? Simply by being happier, by not complaining, by being calm, by enjoying what we have. Simple things make a huge difference. 

I’m singing, I’m painting, I’m writing and enjoying immensely. And when you can do more, do more. But the point of it all is to be positive and grateful for what we have NOW. I still fail at this simple lesson but it’s OK. Today I’m doing it for him and I feel happy. 

If doing it for yourself doesn’t seem enough, do it for someone else and feel the shift. I’ll keep trying to do my best and be happy with what comes my way. Thank you munchkin; I love you deeply and thank you for inspiring me to be more and give my best. 

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Beauty and the beast

She was lovely but secretly broken. He seemed lovely but was secretly a beast. 

We go around living and these brains of ours make choices for us. Choices based on our past and how it was all dealt with back then. What are we supposed to do with that? I guess we should tame the beast inside us as much as we can. 

His beast is easy to recognize; hers is a bit more hidden  because I she a flower growing up that taught her to take care of that inner wilderness. A flower that’d tell her how pretty she was even though others would say otherwise. The flower believed she’d bloom into something mesmerizing, something beautiful. 

He never had a flower. The beast was raised by wolves and didn’t know how to go about it. 

They grow up and meet. They both have beasts that fight. Their character coexists and now and then you can smell the flower’s scent trying to spread joy. There is passion and there is much love to be had.

Will the beasts be tamed or will they run wild? That is what everyone wants to know what there’s a beauty and a beast.

The thought of you

The thought of you is haunting. It crawls in and it won’t let go of me. The memories last because they’re deep. The feeling has a name but I haven’t found it yet. The thought changes its form and it always takes your place. The thought of you smiles at me and knows. It knows what I’m feeling and how deep it goes. It had waited to find me because my heart had to grow big enough to feel you. Logic tries to deny me the pleasure of going in; today I won’t let it.

Passion grows and it shape shifts into trees and moments and experiences that never seem to end. I’m underwater and I’m up in the air. I’m here and I’m there and I’m everywhere and all I can see and think is you. I close my eyes and the thought is felt by the touch of your hand and that very unique smile on your face you have when you see me. It reminds me how much you love me even when you’re not close enough to hold me. It whispers lullabies that sound sweet and soft. It sometimes screams and makes me feel alive. The thought of you also reminds me of the challenges and it kindly tells me that love isn’t the absence of hardship but the growth it inevitably brings. I smile knowing that the path is lived tighter and closer than before because of them. I found the thought of you in my head and it was chasing me. You sometimes take a hold of me and I let you because it feels amazing and inspiring. Your eyes are leaves. As a child I always wanted a leaf because it is perfect and beautiful and sheds green and light wherever it happens to be; your eyes do the same for me. They shed green and light and give me hope even when hopelessness is trying to bring me down.

The thought of you reminds me who I was and who I am. It reminds me how deep down inside I knew all along what was real and what wasn’t. I thought I was insane for wanting more and wanting it as soon as humanly possible. It turns out the thought of you was real way before I met you. Having faith felt impossible at times because having you was necessary; and even though you were very close, we were worlds apart. The difficulties and mistakes from the past had to be lived and made in order to be able to finally see you. I probably passed by you a thousand times but I just couldn’t see you. You say I’m the invisible woman because you weren’t ready to see me. I couldn’t see you either. Now I see you, I feel you and I think you. Now you’re here.

The future is always unknown but the present is given and is meant to be enjoyed and acknowledged. The thought of you today needed to be felt. The thought of you keeps going and loves the red and the raw and the passion. The thought of you makes me smile and makes me want to be completely and absolutely me. It teaches me about compassion and growth and it reminds me how love should be. It isn’t perfect, it’s magical.

In love

I’m in love. Just like that, it happened. Most of my posts were about this alluring energy that always escaped me. And then suddenly, just like the sun obviously rises every day, I was in love; madly so. How? I do not know. It just did. I hate to sound so generic but that’s exactly what it felt like.

His green eyes never looked so real; his smile never so white. It wasn’t at all what they tell you it is. It’s deeper. I won’t say better or worse because those adjectives should never be used to describe humans. It’s simply deeper, more complex.

The colors of the rainbow finally seem to make sense. You no longer question why red is on the outside, you’re fine because it simply is. Even when chaos surrounds, you want to smile. Life feels lighter and the days brighter. You can simply sit next to each other and have nothing bother you. I’m a recovering over-thinker and I never thought this could be so. I never thought I could just let it be.

Hearts aren’t as generic as you once thought they were. They are actually precious gems that must be protected at all costs and cherished constantly. You’re no longer reckless with what you say because there is a creature in your life that cares that actually listens to everything you say and how you say it. You no longer think that life is simply about the waiting. The waiting is indeed the hardest part about the living and in a blink of an eye, it becomes forgotten and almost nonexistent as soon as someone walks in the door and never lets you go.

You unexpectedly and slowly change. You remind yourself of the promises you made to yourself when you were single and honor them but always leaving room for change. If not, how could it bloom? It couldn’t. You think you’re tough until someone cuts you open and makes you face the softest sides of yourself. The sides you were trying to hide from because you were afraid of what you might find; only to find they were precisely the parts of yourself you needed to see the most.

Kisses become a regular part of your routine. Happiness becomes much more obvious and flowers seem to bloom in a much more natural way than they did before; they turn to the sun naturally.

You know and you remember who you used to be but you simply become a more beautiful version of yourself, you bloom. You feel understood, held and warm.

I’m in love. Just like that, it happened.

Visibility

This is the first. This is the first time I can see him. He was there but I couldn’t see him. It turns out I was invisible. It turns out I couldn’t see myself. I realized I was invisible a few years back and started to freak out and started asking myself why. Instead of trying to become visible, I could not get over the fact that I was invisible. Maybe he was there but I couldn’t see him. I couldn’t see me.

It took me years to become visible. No one gave me the recipe. I was lonely in my invisibility. I did get to meet other invisible creatures and they were all quite interesting. Because I was invisible, I spent no time acquiring much. I don’t know how much faith I had in becoming visible. Not because I didn’t believe but because I became comfortable with not being seen. The hidden souls had an interesting pull. They listen to music that the visible can’t hear. They drink a lot of wine and talk about the pain all the time.

For an instant, I thought that was it. Except it wasn’t. I was forced to spend time with some visible creatures and as much as I tried to ignore them, they were screaming. They wanted me to come to life. Why? I wondered. They knew I wasn’t born to be hidden. They knew I could always cherish my invisibility powers but shine bright and rid myself of the fears.

I slowly started to show myself. It was a very slow process. It was a process that I wasn’t even aware was in progress. The transition was life changing. There were many losses, including parts of me. I lost touch with the invisible crowd. They kicked me out of their space when they realized what was happening. I didn’t even know it but they were starting to see me and that was breaking the cardinal rule.

I’ll never know where they are because I can’t easily see them anymore. They are gone. They will always have a special place in my heart and I remember their faces full of misery and false hope very vividly. I loved their music, their drama, their darkness.

And now it’s my first time. I get to see this beautiful green eyed creature and he is as alive as I am. Because I was formerly invisible and unaware of being so, it’s quite a fascinating experience. I am anything but one thing and he isn’t as complex but full of life and love; it’s mesmerizing. That’s the thing about the invisible ones; they have a certain kind of allure; but the visible ones are the allure. They are beautiful and unapologetic. They walk in and want to be seen.

I wasn’t sure if it’d be worth it to become visible; in certain ways it’s harder and more challenging. But then it happened and now I can’t wait to catch up. I want to do everything and go everywhere. I want to embrace life after I’ve slowly discovered myself and have walked into the light. I’m seen.

I’ll never judge the invisible ones. I’ll never judge the visible ones. I just think there’s a time and place for everything. Try not to waste too much time asking yourself why things are the way they are and work on figuring out how to become what you want to be deep inside. Choose your company accordingly.

Deep inside I wanted to be visible but couldn’t admit it. Now I am visible and the sights and sounds are positive and vibrant. I can’t believe I can see him as easily as he can see me. It’s yellow and it’s right. It’s obvious and it’s clear. It shouldn’t be confusing or negative. It should be beautiful and bright.

When?

You’ll be loved. Someday, you’ll be loved. Her mom assured her that she was worthy of love. The little girl believed her at first. Then someone broke her heart a little and she still believed.

12 years passed and she still hadn’t been loved. When? She wondered.

She learned the hard way to suppress the pain. Will it ever come? Will it ever happen? Who else has had to wait this long? No one she knew.

History has been painful but it helped her cope. If humans can endure so much, why can’t I endure the lack of love?

She saw a monster do horrible things and rip people’s hearts out and still…she wants to keep hers so that she can someday have stupid, crazy love. Even if it means suffering. Crazy, right?

She doesn’t get the urge to try as much anymore but her mother assured her that it’ll come back. When? No one knows. Time is strange sometimes. We cannot seem to wait. And sometimes the longer we wait, the harder it gets.

You’ll be loved. Someday you’ll be loved. When?

Ready?

She has had to go to Hell and back. Why? She doesn’t really know. The underworld fascinated her somehow. The darkness, the withering flowers that never seemed to die, Persephone, the green eyed monster that seemed to “get” her, the mermaid that kept her company when no one else would. It’s not as drastic as one might think.

The rain comes from the rivers and oceans above. The souls aren’t dead, just dark. The music isn’t that bad and there’s temptation wherever you look; kind of like the real world only never hidden.

When she was there, she started to forget about love. In some twisted way it felt good. When she was amongst the living, it seemed to be the only thing every single girl searched for, it was exhausting.

Once she went under, the urge went with it.

On a less than dark day, she noticed a ray of light. She knew once she stepped under the light, she could go back up. Not sure if she should or not, she did it. She said goodbye and was on her way back up. Was she ready? She wasn’t sure. She did it anyways. She started to talk to the living again and people started to walk in.

But love was the one thing she wasn’t sure she was ready for. It was the reason why she went under in the first place.

There isn’t an answer. All you can do is push through even if you’re not ready and trust yourself to do what’s best.

It’s not like anyone is ready to go to Hell but it happens nonetheless. We fight the demons, we swim against the current simply because we must survive. Then we learn and grow from it.

Be as ready as you can be and if you’re not, that’s fine too. Be happy with who you are and who you want to be. With or without anyone else.

Ready? Go.

The missing pages

I open up easily. People have torn me apart and I still open up. Sometimes too much and sometimes when I don’t even want to. I wonder how quiet people learned to be quiet. I wonder how people that have it together function. I honestly think it’s focusing on something that matters. It’s almost as if they have no time to think about themselves. I’ve had a million minutes to think of myself. It hasn’t been bad but it has been painful. It has given me a false sense of who I am. Except when I read or those brief winds that hit me and allow me to present myself as I am.

My kryptonite is when I meet an object of my affection. I want them to accept completely who I am, and so I start writing my story according to what I think they’d like. Recently, for the past four months, I have discovered there are missing pages in my book. I still do not know completely what they are, but they’re missing. Until I don’t write or find those missing pages, I cannot figure out how to be with someone. I’m not saying it’s impossible but I’m saying that these pages are the priority.

If I don’t look for them, fight for them or create them…who will?

We all have missing pages and we all have a puzzle to complete but we’re too busy sometimes living the life we think we should, we forget to fully find ourselves. I am honestly tired. I’m tired of chasing ghosts. I’d like to believe I shouldn’t instead of thinking that there’s something wrong with me and that’s why I cannot seem to catch them. I’d like to believe it’s better to stop and work on my beauty than search for someone else’s. I have bloomed slowly, too slowly. But I have bloomed. And now it’s time to continue growing and try to leave a mark in this world. I cannot let others stop me, not even those I feel I cannot live without. I want to feel invincible and peaceful. I want to choose the path of least resistance and then hopefully be able to find those missing pages and carry on without a doubt.

Maybe if I create a world of my own, the real one will start making sense. Maybe only until I find something that I’m looking for, someone will find me and I won’t have to end up alone after all. It doesn’t matter. All that matters is that I look, find, and create these missing pages. I can feel their presence. They had been missing for a while but I didn’t want to listen to them. Now I have and they are crucial in my development. I hope to find them soon and become whom I’ve always wanted. Let’s go and look now, it’s time. The tiny little pages wait for no one, not even for their owner. Wait too long and they’ll fly away forever, never to be found.

Happiness found

She wasn’t like anybody else. She did not give up on finding love in life and then she found it. Right then and there, she talked to him and knew. His honey colored glance sweetened her moments from then on. For once she didn’t feel uneasy and found a piece of happiness hidden in his soul. It wasn’t what she thought it would be, it was closer to what she never knew she always wanted.

His dream was to open a place where people could come and be themselves. He wanted to create a space for everybody to escape reality and enjoy whatever world their minds would take them to. He wanted something small but grand. He never knew that creating such a place would be as rewarding as it turned out to be.

She wanted a baby. Not because she was told she should have one but because deep from within she knew she was born to be a mother. As soon as her one and only baby was put in her arms, she was made. She trusted the voice from within that told her how caring and loving she could be to take care of another.

We’re told it’s supposed to be a specific career or pattern that’ll take us there. We’re told to find another person to guide us through the path for eventual bliss. I do crave love but then I refocus my vision from what’s lacking to other lovely events that bring joy and smiles. What if that’s it? What if it has nothing to do with what is bringing us happiness but just the fact that it’s shining and spilling into our lives? I get exhausted when I think about him. I start to sink when I cannot seem to have that which I crave but cannot touch.

And then, without a warning, there’s the flower that blooms, the little girl with the red balloon walking down the street that cannot control her excitement. There’s the kind stranger helping me get through the very narrow path. There are many colorful happenings that make life rich. I find happiness hidden in the most uncommon places and I know that the more I acknowledge its existence, the more it’ll reproduce itself throughout my waking time.

What if happiness changes? What if today it’s a place for me but a person for you? All he wanted was a simple smile from the girl that gets coffee from his corky Café. Today she smiled at him and he could have made a short film out of that story. What if we stop and stare at the details that flavor our days?

I have finally found you and because I’ve made this discovery, I will continue to appreciate that which can only be admired. We must unlearn the behavioral patters that try to distract us from the most precious finding which is one of the most simple but complex concepts; happiness.

That girl

She has convinced herself that she doesn’t need him. But on days like today, she misses him dearly. Maybe the programs in her head are winning. She should know better than this. Instead of writing about it, she should be focusing on becoming better but is not. Here she is feeling fragile, sorry for herself and in a loneliness she cannot get out of.

 Today I’m that girl. That girl that feels like she needs the guy; that girl that decides to go to the party just to see if he’ll be there. I’m that girl that only cares about having him hold her and wipe off all the tears that have been shed by all the heartaches. I’m the girl that is jealous of the guy that doesn’t even care about her. Yes, today I’m weak and unlike anyone I’d like to recognize.

 But so what? I feel like nowadays there is too much pressure to be a strong, independent amazing woman. Don’t get me wrong; I’m all about girl power. But sometimes we’re as sensitive as the softest lullaby. All we want is to be held and taken care of. We were created to be loved and pretending that it doesn’t matter seems unnatural and painful.

 It’s this moment that takes me to the future of when I’ll marry you and not be able to believe that you actually exist. I cry because the moment in my head is so touching and then I am pulled back to reality and it makes me terribly sad because you’re not yet here. And even worse, the fear of not finding you takes my breath away. I talk to an angel and she assures me you exist and will show up. I hope, I truly do.

 Yes, I’m that girl and I don’t know much but I know that all I can do is embrace it. Most friends have either settled or given up, I don’t want to do either. I don’t want to settle and I don’t want give up. I don’t know under which category I’ll fall. I’ll probably have to create my own category as usual. As cool as that sounds, it’s tiring. It’s exhausting to have to create your own world, your own love because the ones that already exist simply make no sense.

Today I am that girl that wishes it wasn’t so hard and that love would be as obvious as night and day.