Written in the stars

It was a wondrous day. She woke up and something happened.

It was a normal day. She woke up and nothing happened.

What fills our days with wonder? We do.

I have a wondrous mother. She wakes up and smiles. She’s been through thick and thin and still decides to look at the good. She’s a good witch.

I’m a combination between a good and bad witch. I have a bundle of emotions inside of me battling on a daily basis. My biggest enemy is inaction. I know I’m meant to be doing something great and I’m still a bit stuck. It’s OK. This is my magic. My magic is expressing myself; even if only one person reads, that’s my magic. I also sing. I also paint. I have colors and shapes trying to make their way out of my being. I apologize to those things for not having more time and discipline to let them out. I’m sorry I haven’t had more people listen. I swear I will keep trying if it kills me.

I am an artist. Saying that is hard. Who decided what you are? I guess it’s just what you want to do even if they don’t pay you. No one pays me to do this and here I am.

I have potions that make me be understanding and I am. I feel what the person next to me feels. I always have a sense that I’m in the wrong song but I sorta keep calm and carry on. There’s no room for everyone to be someone in this world but there is room for me because, once again, I am here. We are human beings; not human doings. When did we forget that? I always forget and if I’m not doing anything I feel guilty. Enjoying and living and pushing through is sometimes enough.

It’s either written in the stars or it’s not. You either do something or do nothing. You write your story on a daily basis and you decide what you do with it. I certainly want to do much more with it and all I truly want deep inside is to make my mom proud.

Follow your star and if you haven’t found it yet, write it.

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Say yes

She came, she conquered, she inspired. She believed in something and it became more than what she could have ever imagined. She worked hard and found something she loved. Sometimes the smallest things can inspire you to do more and be more. This is exactly what I want to do. I still haven’t found it. But day by day I feel closer to finding what it is I’m supposed to be doing. I must fight and push through and believe that it can and will happen.

Things are looking up and fear has tried to cripple in but I won’t let it. I want to say yes. Yes to life. Yes to love. Yes to finding and doing what I am passionate about. I will start with one single step and I’ll try to kick my own ass. I’m already getting fit, eating healthy and that in itself is a step in the right direction. I’m 32 and many times think it’s too late but that’s a complete waste of time. Whatever time I have left is time I have to get moving and become one of those kick as chicks I so much admire.

My life is anything but a straight line and it’s not figured out but that’s OK. So long as I keep going and believe that it can still happen it will, then it will. You have to be inside of life for it to find you. Inspiration has to find you working. Sophia Amoruso is a true inspiration. What I love about her story is that struggle shows up and she kicks its ass and moves on. I admire that beyond words. I will become a #GIRLBOSS if it kills me. Coming soon…

Fall to fly

She came. She left. It was made and undone.

There are no rules, there are no cages but she’s not free.

Freedom is subjective.

Are we free when we cannot liberate ourselves?

Shall we try to fly when we’ve forgotten about our wings? 

Yes. We must fall and rise or we will never learn. Stubborn souls need to be obedient, need a guide.

I’ve ran around in circles with my freedom. I must obey yellow. I must connect.

Fly and fall. Learn. Grow. Be.

Choose the words you think, choose the words you say. Be more in control and it will truly set you free.

Fly little bird, fly. Even if you fall.

I don’t know much, except what I’ve felt. I’ve decided based on emotion and when I cannot remember why, I regret it. But when I do remember and I have a glimpse of clarity, I smile. 

I smile because I’ve gotten to chase happiness. And now I must be reminded that it’s sleeping inside me. Sleeping beauty must wake up and smell the roses. She must live and fly and fall and keep trying until one lucky day the wings will come out and she’ll fly. 

I have fallen but I must remember to keep jumping and fall until I finally fly. Because if I stop jumping, how could I ever fly? 

Inspiration

It doesn’t matter where it comes from or if it left. All that matters is that you create from wherever life seems to have put you, where you have put yourself. It all came flowing. The pain was unbearable and so it poured out of me. Now, inevitably, maturity finally came knocking on my door. I was wondering when I’d be willing to grow up a bit. Only a little bit though.

Now, I find myself having a hard time expressing myself because conflict was what moved me, what made the world go round. My dreams were still reachable and doable. I don’t know what they are now or what they’ve become. All I know is that here I am, writing. Here I am creating something out of thin air. Isn’t that what life is anyhow? Don’t we make it up as we go along? I know I have.

Rules seem to have escaped me. Life seems to have left me behind at times and I seem to be the young dramatic girl I once was. I am nothing and yet everything. I will always be a beautiful mess of contradictions. The only constant in life is change and I know that for sure. I see those around me plan and I am mesmerized by the idea. What is a plan? How does it work? How can one commit to one thing forever?

This confusion has led me to not get what I want. I didn’t know what I wanted so how was I to get it? It’s fine. Everything is fine and nothing is the end of the world. I do have one desire though. I hope to make a difference in this world and leave the Earth a bit better than I found it. Survival gets in the way, distractions present themselves all day long at many moments throughout the day. I’m trying as hard as I’ve been able to to ignore them and do more of this, more of love, more of life. I must cease to compare myself to others because I do not belong in this world and I should not desire to do so.

I’m in conflict in love. I’m trying to fight for my individuality whist sharing my space with another. He seems to want his things his own way and that’s fine. I’m just trying to find that perfect balance whilst achieving some sort of goal because my soul is tired of always wandering and have nothing concrete to show for myself.

The Wizard says I’m used to being uncomfortable and that all that matters is that I feel good for being me. He says that being me is enough success and that’s all that matters. What a lovely thought. Just writing it makes me feel better.

We shall see where this messy life ends up. I know I have to work harder, I also know I have to take it easy on myself and I know that I must be happy with what is because fighting is exhausting and I am very tired.

Here’s to writing again and never truly giving up. If we actually gave up, we wouldn’t get out of bed. And here we are, fighting the good fight for others that might have to face this thing called life.

The point of it all

I’m reading a book about energy. How to keep it up and how to control it. I wish they would have taught this in school. I want to learn. Or better yet, unlearn.

Kids know it all. We know it all. We’re taught by those that do not know. They are trying to teach us how to be but nobody ever taught them. Some of them forgot; others never knew better. Maybe their parents knew. Maybe someday they’ll know.

Energy transforms our lives. Energy can save us from ourselves. When did we forget that the point of it all was to be happy? Yes, cars must be driven; food must be eaten; airplanes demand to be boarded. Places demand to be seen and money to be spent. But they should never become more important than our joy. When did we decide to pay that very high price? The price of peace. The price of joy. The price of life.

I’m not saying I’ve got this down. But at least I’m saying I want to. So many glorify the matrix we’ve created, we forget the point. Yes, the physical world can be touched but it’s only one dimension of life. I still don’t know any better. I catch myself craving more and more constantly. It’s almost as though it’s the ultimate test. A test I must pass if I truly want to be happy.

Children demand nothing, not at first. They simply are. They smile, they laugh, and only cry when they are actually in need. Remind yourself of that child. Remind yourself of your freedom. Improve your energy. No decisions can be made when you cannot see clearly. Unlearn the concepts that hold you back from being happy. Life might never be perfect but it can be perfectly enjoyed.

I want it all without falling into the trap of making it my only priority. I want to know better and be unapologetically joyful. Is that so much to ask? Happiness changes as much as we do, but if it’s connected to our energy, it can be stable. When we do not link our joy to things, we can maintain it for as long as we want.

It’s a complex concept to grasp but worth the try. If it makes you happy…it’s worth the shot. Results coming soon…

Visibility

This is the first. This is the first time I can see him. He was there but I couldn’t see him. It turns out I was invisible. It turns out I couldn’t see myself. I realized I was invisible a few years back and started to freak out and started asking myself why. Instead of trying to become visible, I could not get over the fact that I was invisible. Maybe he was there but I couldn’t see him. I couldn’t see me.

It took me years to become visible. No one gave me the recipe. I was lonely in my invisibility. I did get to meet other invisible creatures and they were all quite interesting. Because I was invisible, I spent no time acquiring much. I don’t know how much faith I had in becoming visible. Not because I didn’t believe but because I became comfortable with not being seen. The hidden souls had an interesting pull. They listen to music that the visible can’t hear. They drink a lot of wine and talk about the pain all the time.

For an instant, I thought that was it. Except it wasn’t. I was forced to spend time with some visible creatures and as much as I tried to ignore them, they were screaming. They wanted me to come to life. Why? I wondered. They knew I wasn’t born to be hidden. They knew I could always cherish my invisibility powers but shine bright and rid myself of the fears.

I slowly started to show myself. It was a very slow process. It was a process that I wasn’t even aware was in progress. The transition was life changing. There were many losses, including parts of me. I lost touch with the invisible crowd. They kicked me out of their space when they realized what was happening. I didn’t even know it but they were starting to see me and that was breaking the cardinal rule.

I’ll never know where they are because I can’t easily see them anymore. They are gone. They will always have a special place in my heart and I remember their faces full of misery and false hope very vividly. I loved their music, their drama, their darkness.

And now it’s my first time. I get to see this beautiful green eyed creature and he is as alive as I am. Because I was formerly invisible and unaware of being so, it’s quite a fascinating experience. I am anything but one thing and he isn’t as complex but full of life and love; it’s mesmerizing. That’s the thing about the invisible ones; they have a certain kind of allure; but the visible ones are the allure. They are beautiful and unapologetic. They walk in and want to be seen.

I wasn’t sure if it’d be worth it to become visible; in certain ways it’s harder and more challenging. But then it happened and now I can’t wait to catch up. I want to do everything and go everywhere. I want to embrace life after I’ve slowly discovered myself and have walked into the light. I’m seen.

I’ll never judge the invisible ones. I’ll never judge the visible ones. I just think there’s a time and place for everything. Try not to waste too much time asking yourself why things are the way they are and work on figuring out how to become what you want to be deep inside. Choose your company accordingly.

Deep inside I wanted to be visible but couldn’t admit it. Now I am visible and the sights and sounds are positive and vibrant. I can’t believe I can see him as easily as he can see me. It’s yellow and it’s right. It’s obvious and it’s clear. It shouldn’t be confusing or negative. It should be beautiful and bright.

Concept of happiness

“Never apologize for knowing what you want.”

I jumped the gun. I know what I want and if anything will waste my time, I’m not in. It could have been a mistake, it could not have been.

Happiness isn’t what I thought it would be. After not only feeling disappointed but also becoming it, I’m done. I’m done holding on to what I thought would make me happy. Whenever something is out of reach, I let it go. Whenever someone isn’t sure about me, I’m done.

This is a hard concept to accept. This is hard. Whenever someone would ask me if I was happy, I’d have to have everything figured out to be honest about it. Now, things are as absurd as they’ve always been, but the difference is that I’m done. I’m done caring. Caring too much is the path to disappointment. Not caring enough can be just as bad but a more peaceful path.

More than happiness; I want peace. More than holding on; I want to let go. I cannot live the way I used to. I cannot try to impress others with what I’ve done or haven’t done. Everybody wants to define you, even I do. Whenever I find myself feeling inadequate, I suffer. Whenever I look to someone else to make me happy, they fail me. The never-ending lesson continues to be one of solitude. It’s one where I have to find a way to be happy and enough no matter who surrounds me or where I end up.

The bad ones will hurt you; the good ones will hurt you. I don’t feel hopeless, I feel alone and strong. I feel tired but willing. I no longer enjoy playing the victim card but am still surprised to find everybody to be almost the same as everyone else. I don’t like to blame, I like to understand.

I want to completely change whatever concept of happiness I had. I never want to find myself comparing myself to anyone else. I never want to feel inadequate or insufficient. I want to be my own hero. I want to be strong enough to endure whatever I’m supposed to. And if it gets lonely, man up and know it’s not the end of the world. And if I feel sorry for myself, stop and stare at those who have done it before me and carry on. It’s easy to get caught up in our own little bubble. Yes, we’re grand but only when we become greater than ourselves.

Happiness changes and maybe that is the ultimate goal. It’s not about having it all or getting the guy; it’s about being happy no matter what happens. It’s about understanding that life isn’t perfect but it teaches us and always gives us the opportunity to grow and inspire others to do the same. That’s where I’m at and the only place I truly should crave to be.

I wish I had a tree…

You know how Joni wishes she had a river she could skate away on? I wish I had a tree I could climb away on. I’ve always been drawn to trees and I find the growth of their branches absolutely fascinating. There’s a beautiful one right in front of me right now and the very first time I saw it…I wished I could climb it. His branches seem so sturdy and strong; they swear to hold me. I wish I had a tree that went up to the sky and that way I could say hello to the clouds that are also my old friends. Trees and clouds makes me smile and they have been my constant companion since I was a little girl. Trees and clouds are everywhere; that’s why I love them. They remind me how no matter where I go, they have my back.

The wishful tree I climb in my mind forms branches for me. They don’t bend so that it’s easy…they bend so that it feels right. So that when I am able to climb a little higher, I know I made an effort and therefore get to touch a cloud in the sky. The green of my tree changes colors; depending on my mood. He loves the colors in my mind and asks no questions, it just grows so that I can climb a little higher.

I wish I had a tree that found a ground to grow on right here and now. Its pace of blooming would depend on my disposition to learn. Oh I truly wish I had this colorful, changing, growing lovely tree so that I could have some space between myself and this life that feels so overwhelming at times. When I climb my tree, all my worries and regrets would vanish from my mind…the wind would wash them away. I wish I had a tree that could listen to nature’s wisdom and grow according to her advice. I’d hug my tree and it would wrap its branches around me to keep me warm. It would take me wherever my heart longs to be. I wish I had a tree I could climb away on.