Happy endings 

The story starts, continues and doesn’t end. Will it be a comedy or a tragedy? Stay tuned.

She doesn’t seem to care enough about her happy ending but more and more about the present moment. 

Will she be the hero of her story? Will she stay? Will she go? She makes it up as she goes along. She’s gone too long not knowing that she doesn’t know any other way. 

Yes, she had dreams and wants to make them come true but suffering seems a high price to pay.

Peace and joy should be the happy ending. When did we get confused? Disney had a big part of it. You’re suppose to live in a castle: luxury. Find Prince Charming: the perfect relationship. Be the fairest one of them all: flawless beauty. And be loved by the whole land: be what everyone else expects you to be. 

I think the story needs some mending and a better happy ending. It’s hard to not want what we were programmed to want. And there are things I don’t have that I desire which I hope to get. But I want to learn to be OK even when things aren’t OK. Mother has done this, so can I. 

Create your happy ending and ask yourself whether what you want is true or if it’s just been chosen for you. Question it.

For me, now, peace and joy in the present moment is my happy ending and I hope I continue to make it so on a daily basis.

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Inspiration

It doesn’t matter where it comes from or if it left. All that matters is that you create from wherever life seems to have put you, where you have put yourself. It all came flowing. The pain was unbearable and so it poured out of me. Now, inevitably, maturity finally came knocking on my door. I was wondering when I’d be willing to grow up a bit. Only a little bit though.

Now, I find myself having a hard time expressing myself because conflict was what moved me, what made the world go round. My dreams were still reachable and doable. I don’t know what they are now or what they’ve become. All I know is that here I am, writing. Here I am creating something out of thin air. Isn’t that what life is anyhow? Don’t we make it up as we go along? I know I have.

Rules seem to have escaped me. Life seems to have left me behind at times and I seem to be the young dramatic girl I once was. I am nothing and yet everything. I will always be a beautiful mess of contradictions. The only constant in life is change and I know that for sure. I see those around me plan and I am mesmerized by the idea. What is a plan? How does it work? How can one commit to one thing forever?

This confusion has led me to not get what I want. I didn’t know what I wanted so how was I to get it? It’s fine. Everything is fine and nothing is the end of the world. I do have one desire though. I hope to make a difference in this world and leave the Earth a bit better than I found it. Survival gets in the way, distractions present themselves all day long at many moments throughout the day. I’m trying as hard as I’ve been able to to ignore them and do more of this, more of love, more of life. I must cease to compare myself to others because I do not belong in this world and I should not desire to do so.

I’m in conflict in love. I’m trying to fight for my individuality whist sharing my space with another. He seems to want his things his own way and that’s fine. I’m just trying to find that perfect balance whilst achieving some sort of goal because my soul is tired of always wandering and have nothing concrete to show for myself.

The Wizard says I’m used to being uncomfortable and that all that matters is that I feel good for being me. He says that being me is enough success and that’s all that matters. What a lovely thought. Just writing it makes me feel better.

We shall see where this messy life ends up. I know I have to work harder, I also know I have to take it easy on myself and I know that I must be happy with what is because fighting is exhausting and I am very tired.

Here’s to writing again and never truly giving up. If we actually gave up, we wouldn’t get out of bed. And here we are, fighting the good fight for others that might have to face this thing called life.

The battle 

Me: I hear you heart and please stop. I feel you and you hurt. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I haven’t been brave enough to pursue my dreams. I’m sorry failure has left me paralyzed. I’m sorry I couldn’t make better choices. Please forgive me, please stop. 

Heart: I forgive you completely but why are you giving up? I’m still beating and you know what that means? It’s not over. You can still pursue your dreams. Even if it’s more difficult, even if you feel you can’t do it again. If I’m still beating, then you can. So I know I’m broken and that makes it harder for you to carry on. I’m working on that. But even if we hurt, I know you can push through the pain and do what we love. Keep pushing, keep trying. And when you can’t and you don’t; that’s ok. But just try to picture what it’ll feel like when you’re successful and making a difference, when you’re fulfilling your calling; when you’re helping others. I know you hear and feel me; there’s a reason for that. Don’t ignore me. If anything, acknowledge me and talk to me; just don’t be indifferent to my desires. They are real and they are beautiful and they are authentic and can give you what you want. Do not let fear get in the way. He is someone you definitely shouldn’t listen to. And the details in between such as jobs, money, what others think, do not matter; not even a little. What people who love you say matters, what I say matters, when you see your greatness, that matters. Focus on what matters and don’t care about unimportant endeavors. They’re just there on the wall, they’re not the main performance. You know what it is; stop forgetting. And don’t silence me. At least hear me And give me a voice! I’m here for you to listen; for you to feel alive. Thank you. xx

Can’t stop what’s coming

Life ends. It always does. We cannot suffer because of this. We can be sad and then move on. We can cry, but then dry our tears. We can wear yellow, we can wear black. We can do whatever feels right. Those that live will judge. Those that part will be silent but never absent.

 Whatever you are doing, going through, feeling or wherever you may be; you have the power to dream. That means you can do anything. Know that your dreams are valid and worth this counted life.

 I have to believe in myself as much as my mother believes in me and as much as her mother believed in her. And so it goes. I hope I get to have a daughter. Only so that she knows what it’s like to be loved by a mother, a real mother.

 What I do know is that I’m reaching a point in my life where I’m done not believing in myself. I’m done caring about people that don’t matter and I’m done not loving being different. I am ready to love being an artist. I am ready to be as crazy as I can be. I am ready for love and I am ready to learn new things. I am ready to make my dreams come true. Taking your dreams and flying them to the sky can be a challenge. But now I’ll have an angel that always listens, one with beautiful purple hair. When on your way to the sky, you may encounter big birds, airplanes, storms and even aliens; but never stop. I don’t care if you are old, young or even stupid. There are angels that will help you when you cannot fly solo. Just the fact that you have dreams worth taking to the sky, makes you be ahead of almost everyone else. I don’t want to be a hypocrite and must admit that I haven’t protected my dreams as much as I should have but NOW I am ready to TAKE TO THE SKY.

 Even when the guards are calling my name and want to take me back to prison, I will break free.

 Today is a darker day and that’s why I wanted to talk about flying. Why do we see things the way they tell us we should? Purple got a bit darker today but that doesn’t mean that the light isn’t there; it always will be. When will we understand that it is not about what we see but about what we feel? The best you could ever do to anyone you love or that loves you is fight for your dreams, for what you know is right. I don’t know why this is so crucial but it just is. We have to keep it going for those that are coming.

 We can’t stop what’s coming, we can’t stop what is on it’s way. Don’t fear the end. Fear a life not well lived. Today is a day to celebrate a life well lived. One that gives us courage to live fully. Today she gives up her wings so that I can have mine. I’m eternally grateful and will never take the power for granted. 

Untouchable

I’m standing alone in an open field and close my eyes. I picture everything that could have been and for less than a second it doesn’t matter. But then, as usual, it comes rushing in. All the things I still cannot seem to touch. They’re there in my mind but remain unseen. I feel unfair to crave more than what I have. I feel inadequate when I feel as though I’ve failed to choose. It should be as easy as breathing and yet, it isn’t. I feel uneasy when I feel the responsibility of the words I could say to touch somebody else’s world. I might not have taken the crowded street, but I did take one single road and I have walked through it against all odds. I only have $20 to show for myself and I’m not quite sure if that’s enough to make it through.

Am I using my mind incorrectly that I have not yet attracted it all? Or am I just inhumanly impatient? I don’t know. But I do know I must carry on. I must pretend to touch whatever my heart desires.

What has she done? How did she get to have it all? Does she even know what she has found? Is my eagerness what’s pushing it away? I don’t know. I’m almost as afraid to do what I love as I am of not getting to do it.

Should I learn more or should I unlearn that which has been taught but misleading nonetheless?

Some things have shown themselves to me and I am grateful that they have. I have seen true beauty. I have tried to be as beautiful as I possibly can, too hard maybe. Today I wore no make up and didn’t do my hair. It was a bit liberating and I want to do it more often. I want to be a soul. I want to be beautiful and I want to have it all, especially love. I don’t know how I’ll get there, but I’ll never give up. I cannot let old patters dictate what I can and cannot touch. I will hold in my hands all the invisible gold dust. I just have to know that I can and will touch, feel and do everything and more. And someday, somehow, somebody will feel happier and less lonely because I was here. Maybe they won’t be able to touch me but I will touch them with my words, with a melody or an image that’ll comfort them just enough to carry on.

I desire terribly to be one of the fortunate I desperately admire. To walk in the shoes of the singers, the writers, the creators, the image capturers, the artists that have found a way to communicate beauty through expression. I’m sitting here by myself and wondering how to get it done. I try to grab the pen and it spills ink all over the page. All I can do is start over and keep trying until it works again. Keep singing until the voice is strong enough to be heard. Try impossibly until I get to touch and breathe this newfound dream that eludes and haunts my dark and bright moments.

When a singer doesn’t sing

She feels as if the enemy is covering her mouth and not only can she not speak but she can barely breathe. When she doesn’t sing, she feels as if a part of her soul vanishes and goes where unborn lives remain. The words that were meant to be sung remain in silence waiting for vocal chords to meet them halfway. When she doesn’t sing she becomes a disabler between herself and others. She’ll never know who could have listened if she would have sung. The voice isn’t even hers, but given to her as a gift. When she doesn’t sing, she’s selfish. She’s the kid no one likes that won’t share any of the yummy candy with the other kids. When she doesn’t sing, time escapes her instead of remaining in the place where the song becomes her and faces instantly recognize the present. When a singer doesn’t sing, she’s halfway home, in between dreams.

I wonder why I don’t sing out loud every day of my life. I wonder why I give priority to an endless amount of activities instead of knowing what not singing does to a singer. We forget how the uttered song is the matchmaker between the inevitable chemistry between lyrics and melody. Yes, many blessed ones sing all the time. Some of them sing for fame and fortune, others sing for the passion and many others sing without knowing why. I don’t sing. I don’t care how, when or where but if I don’t sing soon…the last part of my soul will find its way to the darkest place where dreams are lost.

Survival is brutal and gets in the way of doing what we love more often than not. But if we do what we don’t love, are we really surviving? Is that truly living? I don’t think so. Obstacles feel stronger than the clearance of the path. Why is this? I guess if we don’t have the struggles, we take it for granted. If we don’t stop singing, we never know how much we love it. The artist that succeeds easily might get it all; but will she ever know what all of it is?  No. When I sing I want to feel alive but more importantly I want to connect to those that know. Dreams change and it’s acceptable. But what we love to do is quite obvious. It doesn’t matter why we do it as long as we do it. It does not have to be all or nothing. Being a black and white girl myself I realize how the gray can be quite helpful. Sharing your voice sometimes is always better than never. And always is better than sometimes but never amounts to nothing in the end.

So if you’re a singer, sing. If you’re a painter, paint. If you’re a writer, write. Believe you me…I don’t know how. I’m in the process of trying to balance the surviving and the living. I admire those who do it. I deeply hope to join them soon. Because when I don’t sing or write…I’m not me and I love me. I miss me. I hope I get to be myself again soon, quite soon.

The Dreamer & the Dream Killer

Who will win? They both live inside me. I was born thinking all dreams came true. My mother is the ultimate dreamer. She taught me about dreams and I just thought it happened easily. Then the outside showed me its pain. I left my comfort zone and the dream killer started to create itself inside me.

I imagine the keyboard of the computer become musical keys and I rejoice in the moment of what I’m capable of seeing. As soon as the wonderful image finishes forming itself, the dream killer strikes back and starts to mock the dream. He says how that can’t happen and how it can’t be done. I wish the dreamer always won these little battles. But then again, there are no losers in my world. I know what is deep inside. The dreamer is what’s deep inside my soul and has been my old friend for a long time. The dream killer feeds itself from untouched dreams. And even if both of them are here…I know who’s stronger.

I just wish this dreamer of mine would relax. I know how important dreams and passions are; but sometimes we must be patient and know it’ll happen when it’s supposed to happen. How can I calm this dreamer friend of mine? I don’t know. Who knows? Maybe the dreamer and the dream killer can become friends and learn to respect each other. They are, after all, just trying to do their job.

The dream killer is a murderer but as long as I know he won’t succeed, there’s nothing to be afraid of. The dreamer is simply being and living in the moment and wanting to come out and live the passion. That’s wonderful too. I just want to make my peace with both and with neither. I just want to let it be. Yes, there’s a difference to be made. There are dreams to be lived. But suffering and torture are obstacles in enjoying the passing moment that doesn’t plan to return. The dreamer and the dream killer are figments of my imagination. I trust the life of my dreams will happen in accordance with time and place; in spite of whatever creatures haunt and play with my dreams.

Let’s keep looking

“If you haven’t found it yet, keep looking. Don’t settle. As with all matters of the heart, you’ll know when you find it.” -Steve Jobs

I posted this on Facebook yesterday and many people liked it. It made me wonder. We’re all looking for something. Some have found it, others haven’t, others think they have and others think they never will. And then someone with greatness such as Steve Jobs comes along and everyone has the urge to believe. I think life is a balance between fighting for your dreams and being happy in the meantime. This is an art. But there is something I’ve learned after years of lessons: no matter how much you have or where you are…you can be happy with what you have, right here and now. Believe you me; this is hard for me to say. I cannot seem to make sense of the place I’m in, people confuse me, love eludes me, dreams haunt me, money sometimes controls me, and decisions overwhelm me. But almost always you are where you are, you have what you have, you’ve done what you’ve done, you are who you are and there’s nothing better than making the most out of it. If you can change something you’re not happy with, do it. If you truly feel in your heart that you can’t, make your peace with it.

I was born a non-conformist and in some ways it’s a blessing because I do question all things. But in other ways it’s a curse because I find myself complaining about what is wrong in my life. Complaining is a plague I am currently in rehab for. The person that knows and loves me the most pointed out how much I complain and it slowly entered my brain for it to slowly understand how destructive it can be.

I see many people settle but then I also know how it feels to feel pressured by society and concepts in the brain lodged in since childhood and I get it. It’s not as easy as it seems but it should be simple. We should do what makes us happy, keep looking for what is best, always have faith, enjoy the moment and spend time with loved ones. I don’t know much but I know that much. I do waste time worrying about things I simply shouldn’t. But awareness is the first step towards change. If I don’t know what I’m feeling or what I’m doing, then there’s no way I can change it. I know when I’m worried, I know when I’m afraid, I know my mistakes, I know my lessons. And for now I want to enjoy the moment whilst looking for my dreams. I want to believe that anything is possible no matter where I was born. I want to stay true to my heart and not settle for anything but the best and what is right. And I want to know that everything happens for a reason and that if something didn’t work out it simply was not for me.

I want to know what is wrong but be able to be happy anyhow. I want to inspire others not just by what I do but by who I am. The way my mother has inspired me, the way Tori has as well. Greatness is inspiring. Steve was obviously great because of who he seemed to be and what he accomplished. But heroes are not just the ones everyone knows about. Heroes are you and me. Being happy and peaceful in the midst of madness is a miracle. Doing what is right for you is courageous. Let’s keep looking. Let’s.