Concept of happiness

“Never apologize for knowing what you want.”

I jumped the gun. I know what I want and if anything will waste my time, I’m not in. It could have been a mistake, it could not have been.

Happiness isn’t what I thought it would be. After not only feeling disappointed but also becoming it, I’m done. I’m done holding on to what I thought would make me happy. Whenever something is out of reach, I let it go. Whenever someone isn’t sure about me, I’m done.

This is a hard concept to accept. This is hard. Whenever someone would ask me if I was happy, I’d have to have everything figured out to be honest about it. Now, things are as absurd as they’ve always been, but the difference is that I’m done. I’m done caring. Caring too much is the path to disappointment. Not caring enough can be just as bad but a more peaceful path.

More than happiness; I want peace. More than holding on; I want to let go. I cannot live the way I used to. I cannot try to impress others with what I’ve done or haven’t done. Everybody wants to define you, even I do. Whenever I find myself feeling inadequate, I suffer. Whenever I look to someone else to make me happy, they fail me. The never-ending lesson continues to be one of solitude. It’s one where I have to find a way to be happy and enough no matter who surrounds me or where I end up.

The bad ones will hurt you; the good ones will hurt you. I don’t feel hopeless, I feel alone and strong. I feel tired but willing. I no longer enjoy playing the victim card but am still surprised to find everybody to be almost the same as everyone else. I don’t like to blame, I like to understand.

I want to completely change whatever concept of happiness I had. I never want to find myself comparing myself to anyone else. I never want to feel inadequate or insufficient. I want to be my own hero. I want to be strong enough to endure whatever I’m supposed to. And if it gets lonely, man up and know it’s not the end of the world. And if I feel sorry for myself, stop and stare at those who have done it before me and carry on. It’s easy to get caught up in our own little bubble. Yes, we’re grand but only when we become greater than ourselves.

Happiness changes and maybe that is the ultimate goal. It’s not about having it all or getting the guy; it’s about being happy no matter what happens. It’s about understanding that life isn’t perfect but it teaches us and always gives us the opportunity to grow and inspire others to do the same. That’s where I’m at and the only place I truly should crave to be.

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Concepts

When I graduated High School I had no idea who I was or what I wanted to do. I did know I was inadequate and different from anyone else in my class. I also knew I didn’t like the concepts I had learned in school and liked even less the ones I found in college. I chose a career that others thought would make sense for me. After one semester, against all odds, I decided I didn’t want what everyone else wanted. Some sort of bravery or stupidity came over me. Choosing the unconventional path can be great but very challenging; especially when I didn’t know how to be unconventional. It felt as though I had woken up and had forgotten how to walk and had to learn all over again. I had been taught by society how to be and how to think and having to start a life I knew nothing about was strange. The concepts of who you’re supposed to be are programmed into your brain and I have found them quite haunting.

I think some concepts work and others shouldn’t even exist. Everything is relative because the concept of marriage can be wonderful but it is not for everyone. I constantly ask myself whether I truly believe in something or if I believe it because I’m supposed to believe in it. The concepts I ran away as a teenager have come back to try to catch me. Age is a strong concept and everything and everyone reminds me of age as I get older. The thing about age is that you can’t feel it. I am 28 and the concepts are trying to tell me how old I am and how I should have done certain things by now. This is a concept I don’t believe in and yet I can feel it.

I want to be free of anything that doesn’t make me happy. I want to believe in the concept of letting it be. Yes, I ran away from what was expected of me…but why does that have to be a bad thing? At the time, I did what my heart and soul told me to do. I should be as proud of that as I would be if I would have graduated with honors. People need proof of what they have accomplished. I cannot prove what I have learned but I can feel it and that should be enough. I do not want to live according to other people’s rules. I know I live in this world and there are certain concepts I must follow but I want to do it for the right reasons, to gain the knowledge to help others and encourage them to create their own path. At 28 I decided to go back to school and start from scratch…it’s been interesting. Because many others have concepts of what you should and shouldn’t do or be, I throw them off. My life is upside down and my initial reaction is thinking this is a bad thing but I cannot imagine it any other way. And this is very difficult to admit but true nonetheless. This beautiful mess has made me, me. I just wish the pain wasn’t so lonely at times.

Fear is the ultimate enemy. Whenever I care for concepts I know I don’t believe in, it’s fear. Whenever I fear my mistakes have interfered with what was meant to be, it’s fear. This is a concept I don’t believe in and don’t ever want to believe in. We must choose between fear and love every single day of our lives. The choice should be a no brainer and have that be the concept we repeatedly believe in.