I am who I want to be

I’ve realized I have to be committed to who I am. Always and forever. Over and over I tell myself how much I’d like to be a writer, have my own business, make music, etc. And yet, it somehow feels like it’s never enough. Days are given to me with a beautiful subconscious mind to work with, books, movies and impressionable music. Even inspiration knocks my door often.

I like wearing lovely dresses, my hair down, leggings, scarves and boots. I am passionate about fashion and I like looking good. The life I want doesn’t seem to have been done by anyone else. It’s a combination of many things. And yet, sometimes I don’t bother to put in the work. I am getting better but I get restless. I don’t want to wait to be who I want to be. I don’t want to wait to be where I want to be. I want it all and I want it now

Why is it that we wait to fully become ourselves until we think we are in the perfect place and time? I am ready to be who I want to be; not what I think I should be. We have to act and be the way we want to be inside first, and then, hopefully, it’ll all fall into place on the outside.

Don’t wait until you get the promotion, act as if you already have it. Don’t wait to become your own boss, be a boss. Don’t wait until you’re at the perfect weight to feel beautiful, act as if you already are that person. Then you’ll be so sure of it, that it’ll happen.

Just the joy that comes from acting as the person you love to be is reason enough to do it. I walk in a room and I know I’ve arrived. I’ve had those moments. Sometimes I remember who I was born to be and I can feel sunshine.

Being insecure can be a disease. Insecurities lower your expectations of life and eventually make you miserable. Besides, if you truly know what you believe in and who you are, nothing should make you feel weak. Comparison is trying to kill my happiness but I won’t let it. I’ll defend it with my tiny gun. Yes, it’s tiny but it’s mine and it’ll do.

Don’t wait for your expectations to meet your reality. Create your reality so that the expectations can never be too great. And I must warn you, just because things sometimes don’t work out the way you expect them to, isn’t reason enough to feel sorry for yourself. Just because it takes time doesn’t mean you should give up. You have to know that sometimes it’s just not meant to be and there’s something you must learn from it. It’s very difficult to remember, but true and you must stay strong. If you act as if your reality belongs to you and no one else, then it’ll catch up to you. I know who I want to be. Here’s who I am:

I am happy, in love, peaceful, successful & free. I am beautiful, healthy, radiant & full of energy. I am enthusiastic. I am a great daughter, sister, friend, and human being. I am a writer, composer, entrepreneur, singer, and motivational speaker.

I am who I want to be.

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Under his shadow

I love him. I can honestly say I look up to him. So much so, I sometimes feel insecure when I’m around him. But I also always give him my opinion. We usually laugh and sometimes fight. He is, to me, extremely successful. In the blink of an eye he made very logical and strategic decisions that he knew would lead him where he wanted to get. So whilst I traveled around searching for my heart, he was investing time in his future. And now I sometimes feel he has what I’ve always wanted. He’s studied his way to his dreams and found true happiness. I wandered my way towards nowhere and got lost. It feels as though he’s walking towards the light and I sit in his shadow. I have not been persistent or decisive regarding my future and now I just want to claim one for my own? Yes. And I will. It’s never the end; it’s always a new beginning. We tend to give up without starting again.

She keeps saying how she knows I was born to shine; I wish I could see what she sees. I wish I could love me as much as she does. Maybe someday I will. Maybe I will make the right decisions to get to my very own destiny. What does get to me is how, if I make more logical decisions, I’ll be proving the conservatives right. But not really; being right or wrong gradually has become insignificant to me. Doing what feels right, on the other hand, is indispensable.

Yes, I’ve walked under his ‘perfect looking, smile-fixing, popular, charismatic, top of his class, successful, responsible’ shadow. But I know someday we’ll both get to walk towards the light and be successful in our own way. I know that the time under his shadow has helped me learn how to step into the light. I know someday, somehow I’ll have it all on the inside and on the outside and live under nobody’s shadow.

And when I create a shadow of my own, I’ll let everyone know there is no need to hide under anybody else’s shadow because each and every one of us has a unique light that we have to let shine on its own. Yes, being under his shadow has been hard but the lessons always follow hardship. I am ready to walk on my own and follow my colorful, unconventional varied path. Shadows might not be the best place to be under but those whose shadow we step under are an inspiration. They are someone to look up to and strive to be like. I do love him and I do look up to him. But now I’m ready to step out of his shadow and create one of my own.