After the mourning has passed, the colors seem to have faded and they’re splattered all over the world. But on an excessively bright day, in a very tiny town in the middle of nowhere, all I can see is yellow. Her favorite color was yellow. It hurts to mention her still because the wound is trying to scab but I must. I must because I don’t want to forget. I don’t want to forget the feeling of her presence. Her perfect hair, how she did her makeup and how when she saw me, there was only love. No matter what we did, she’d say that family was born forgiven. Last night I dreamt with her. She was alive and I was in shock. And I asked her what was happening and she said: “Sweetheart, I’m never going to die.”

I’m sure she’s kissing the lilies as she’s waking up. She looks around and whenever she wants to see yellow, it’s there; the perfect shade of yellow. Her youth is back and her high heels on. Her hair is yellow and her glasses gone. She’s surrounded by gold and the very few flaws she had here, gone. She’d like to talk to us and she will. Oh how she will.

It’s been cloudy here. I’ve been looking for stars but can’t find them. I’m excited for November. That was her month and that’s when all the stars decide to shine the brightest. This November I’ll be like a kid waiting to find the brightest star and not only talk to her but have her show me the way. The way to love,  the way to passion, the way to live.

Out of all the things she created on this Earth, one was the greatest: an angel with pink wings. This pink angel flies around helping others, expecting the best to happen. Many try to shoot her down because they do not like what they cannot understand, but they don’t succeed because they cannot really see her or her wings. She moves faster than light. You can’t kill what you can’t see. Only two people look up and can actually see her. And when they do, they’re mesmerized.

Yellow had to fight for her unique existence. Pink has to fight for hers. I probably will have to fight for mine, I already do. I can look at these three lives from the past present and future, I know their worth. And if fighting for survival means at least touching and saving one life, it’s worth it. I’ll do it.

Yesterday, the only color I could see was yellow. Today, it’s yellow and pink. I hope tomorrow purple will show up and then slowly all the colors of the rainbow will be back. It’s a slow process but it’s not about the speed, it’s about the beauty we’re able to capture in each and every moment. I’m capturing this one. It can be bright, it can be dark. But it certainly has an endless amount of love.


I wish I had a tree…

You know how Joni wishes she had a river she could skate away on? I wish I had a tree I could climb away on. I’ve always been drawn to trees and I find the growth of their branches absolutely fascinating. There’s a beautiful one right in front of me right now and the very first time I saw it…I wished I could climb it. His branches seem so sturdy and strong; they swear to hold me. I wish I had a tree that went up to the sky and that way I could say hello to the clouds that are also my old friends. Trees and clouds makes me smile and they have been my constant companion since I was a little girl. Trees and clouds are everywhere; that’s why I love them. They remind me how no matter where I go, they have my back.

The wishful tree I climb in my mind forms branches for me. They don’t bend so that it’s easy…they bend so that it feels right. So that when I am able to climb a little higher, I know I made an effort and therefore get to touch a cloud in the sky. The green of my tree changes colors; depending on my mood. He loves the colors in my mind and asks no questions, it just grows so that I can climb a little higher.

I wish I had a tree that found a ground to grow on right here and now. Its pace of blooming would depend on my disposition to learn. Oh I truly wish I had this colorful, changing, growing lovely tree so that I could have some space between myself and this life that feels so overwhelming at times. When I climb my tree, all my worries and regrets would vanish from my mind…the wind would wash them away. I wish I had a tree that could listen to nature’s wisdom and grow according to her advice. I’d hug my tree and it would wrap its branches around me to keep me warm. It would take me wherever my heart longs to be. I wish I had a tree I could climb away on.