Nothing is something

I don’t know well enough to know. I don’t know anything anymore. After a never ending succession of events happening one after the other and getting them all mixed up in in my head, it’s gotten confusing. You’d think that things get easier, but that’s not always the case. You become more peaceful, more mature, and if you’re lucky maybe even wiser. But I guess easy isn’t always our desire. After carefully evaluating all the collections I’ve acquired throughout the years, it’s a fact that easier hasn’t been my favorite color in the crayon box. Sometimes it was on purpose, other times it wasn’t. Now I’m here and there’s a situation that’s nothing that could easily turn into something.

There’s a he involved and he is as complex and intertwined into himself as I am. Chaos? We will see. Should it be a nothing left as a nothing? Of course not. Will he leave it as a nothing? Time will tell.

There’s not much to do but ignore the ignorant voice in my head saying dreadful things and simply listen to the trapped butterflies. He seems broken but kind. He seems interested but distant. His actions speak louder than words.

He was sent from a different galaxy. The fact that I understand his brain could either be taken as a wonderful casualty or a horrible disaster. All I know is that he makes me laugh and keeps it interesting. That’s enough to let the nothing twist and turn into whatever it’s supposed to. All I have to do is get out of the way, which is extremely difficult for me.

Nothing is something when what use to bother you doesn’t as much; when you look forward to tomorrow even if it’s just an average day. It doesn’t have to be perfect, it simply has to be real.

Let anything and everything become something. Just let it. It’s a risk you’ll regret not taking. I didn’t even want to write about it thinking it would be giving it too much attention. This heart of mine is always screaming for attention. That’s OK. I only get to experience this life through being me and I should embrace that. Let life be, let life happen, let life smile when you least expect it. Let life show you a star after weeks of the cloudiest skies. I never want to forget how it all works. I don’t have it all figured out but I do feel happier than I have in a very long time. It’s probably the yellowed winged angel looking out for me closely from the heavenly sky.

Don’t be afraid and let it be something. It’s not about what it means to anybody else but you. Enjoy it.

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I am who I want to be

I’ve realized I have to be committed to who I am. Always and forever. Over and over I tell myself how much I’d like to be a writer, have my own business, make music, etc. And yet, it somehow feels like it’s never enough. Days are given to me with a beautiful subconscious mind to work with, books, movies and impressionable music. Even inspiration knocks my door often.

I like wearing lovely dresses, my hair down, leggings, scarves and boots. I am passionate about fashion and I like looking good. The life I want doesn’t seem to have been done by anyone else. It’s a combination of many things. And yet, sometimes I don’t bother to put in the work. I am getting better but I get restless. I don’t want to wait to be who I want to be. I don’t want to wait to be where I want to be. I want it all and I want it now

Why is it that we wait to fully become ourselves until we think we are in the perfect place and time? I am ready to be who I want to be; not what I think I should be. We have to act and be the way we want to be inside first, and then, hopefully, it’ll all fall into place on the outside.

Don’t wait until you get the promotion, act as if you already have it. Don’t wait to become your own boss, be a boss. Don’t wait until you’re at the perfect weight to feel beautiful, act as if you already are that person. Then you’ll be so sure of it, that it’ll happen.

Just the joy that comes from acting as the person you love to be is reason enough to do it. I walk in a room and I know I’ve arrived. I’ve had those moments. Sometimes I remember who I was born to be and I can feel sunshine.

Being insecure can be a disease. Insecurities lower your expectations of life and eventually make you miserable. Besides, if you truly know what you believe in and who you are, nothing should make you feel weak. Comparison is trying to kill my happiness but I won’t let it. I’ll defend it with my tiny gun. Yes, it’s tiny but it’s mine and it’ll do.

Don’t wait for your expectations to meet your reality. Create your reality so that the expectations can never be too great. And I must warn you, just because things sometimes don’t work out the way you expect them to, isn’t reason enough to feel sorry for yourself. Just because it takes time doesn’t mean you should give up. You have to know that sometimes it’s just not meant to be and there’s something you must learn from it. It’s very difficult to remember, but true and you must stay strong. If you act as if your reality belongs to you and no one else, then it’ll catch up to you. I know who I want to be. Here’s who I am:

I am happy, in love, peaceful, successful & free. I am beautiful, healthy, radiant & full of energy. I am enthusiastic. I am a great daughter, sister, friend, and human being. I am a writer, composer, entrepreneur, singer, and motivational speaker.

I am who I want to be.

Ask enough

We don’t ask enough. I’ve been wanting to sing. I don’t play an instrument yet, so I must depend on musicians. I haven’t completely used my ability to ask. I haven’t asked enough where to find these instrument players.

I want to become a better writer, so I must write. If I feel there’s something to discover, I should ask and explore. It’s easy to remain silent, motionless, stuck. If we could only ask others or even ourselves what we must know, we’d move forward; we’d get answers. I get stuck in the mud easily. I get stuck in the grass too. I am trying to stay away from tricky surfaces that try to pull me in. I shouldn’t wonder why it has been difficult, I should just ask myself what I should be doing and go ahead and do it.

Life is easier when you ask. If we do not ask what we deeply are curious about, what’s the point? We’ll never know. And even if we sometimes do not like the answer, we will have the satisfaction to have asked. It’s better to know.

Regrets are my kryptonite. I waste valuable time thinking of what could have been. I throw time in the trash when I’m wondering if I’m good enough or not. It doesn’t matter. All I have to do is make good art, as Neil Gaiman so obviously states. And if you cannot believe you are wise enough or even good enough, pretend you are.

If you don’t know, ask. If you want to create, create. Life won’t stop for you and you should be grateful it doesn’t. It was created in a unique way. It’s not our job to question it but to do what we were put here to do no matter what unfolds around us. Mistakes will be made, embrace them. Break free from what has been programmed but isn’t so.

I’ve been a confused little child for a long time. Sometimes I forget about being lost and create pretty little things. Then I remember and feel insecure once more.

But now, I’m done.

I ask you to ask yourself what you feel is right. I ask you to follow your calling. It’s ok to leave whatever isn’t for you behind. If it isn’t for you, maybe it belongs to someone else. I still struggle. I’m getting closer to the beautiful mountain at the end of the tunnel but it’s important to always ask yourself if the decisions you are making get you closer or further away from where you want to be.

I will ask myself more often these valuable questions. And if I don’t have the answers, I’ll ask someone else. And if you ask enough, it will be revealed in the end.

Escapee

It’s happening. This is real. Life is finally unfolding. By unfolding I do not mean it’s perfect, I mean it makes more sense. I’m getting to sing, to write, to photograph and witness people at their best. They are still human and flawed but that will never really change. I used to be in prison. Life was more about doing what I was told; I lived through it without being aware of what was actually happening. Now I am out and responsible for every single one of my minutes. The beauty in this freedom is indescribable but interestingly enough, a huge responsibility. Because I did not know of such freedom and bliss, I have overeaten, overslept, over partied and over everything. What would you do if you’ve just been released from prison? After a few months of such liberation, I’m searching for the perfect balance.

Because I am in love with my newfound freedom, I find myself going through the pictures in my head of what I have been able to witness after having escaped those closing walls from my past. I had no idea what I was missing out on. What is unfolding before me, tastes sweet and precious. Living it once just won’t do. I can spend hours going back to the moments I so much enjoy, the faces I get to meet. I cannot seem to get enough of this living life to the fullest situation; it’s intoxicating. The fear of having to go back to prison makes it dangerous and exciting. But even if the fear is strong, the urge to fly overpowers it. Playing it safe is the greatest risk after all.

Now I must find a way to enjoy but also be responsible, let go of the idea that I must figure it all out. I must learn moderation. Now that I am out, I realize the many programs that were forced on me in prison. I can honestly say I didn’t know how to think or be, only what I was told I should do. The only one good thing that I did learn was discipline. Because there was so much time to waste in there, to you had to be organized with your time in order to survive, you had to be in shape.

If you’re not out of your prison yet and feel locked in, get out. If you’re out, find your own bliss. No one person is the same from the other. Let’s run away and let’s breathe. Let’s live wildly and healthy. I do believe it’s possible to have it all. The happier you can become with yourself, the happier the people that walk into your life will be, the better the lessons will taste. If you resist the lessons, the more they will come back. The more you wallow about the past, the less you’ll live today.

I am moving towards trying to find the balance that I know will feed my soul. So long as I forgive myself for not having tried harder to escape, I’ll be able to build from it instead of holding it against me. I know that time was wasted but all I have is now. All I can do is learn, move on and soar.
Much of my time is spent simply enjoying the freedom. Those who were born free easily take it for granted and I know I never will. The prison is unforgettable but maybe, just maybe, it gave me one of the greatest gifts: the ability to appreciate true freedom. And that’s something I know not everyone gets to experience.