What we wish for

We’re a generation of control freaks. We think we know what we want. We work relentlessly until we get it and sometimes it’s not what we thought it would be. It’s great to have a goal but when that goal involves someone, all bets are off.

I was ready, you weren’t. You’re ready, I’m not. It’s off and there’s no way to truly control emotions. It’s up, it’s down. It comes, it goes.

I recently watched 13 Reasons Why and it shocked me to my very core. Not only the sad reality of what could be happening in schools, but how  hard it is to get along, to respect each other and love each other. Why? I don’t know. I was bullied and thought life would get much easier once I got out of high school. It did and it didn’t. I didn’t have a bully telling me my inadequacies, I became my own bully. I’m slowly and steadily trying to become kinder, not to do that. It’s hard to do after losing friends, feeling lonely and not truly finding a path.

After all, he has been the only romantic interest that has truly taken a chance on me. I’m here and you’re there and you want me there but in a way where I forget about myself more than I know how. Should I go? Should I stay? That is the question. I’m terrified of loneliness. I’m terrified of rejection. I’m in my 30’s and I have the same fears I had in high school. Maybe that’s why that show shocked me as much as it did.

I don’t know what to wish for anymore. I guess the best path is to take it day by day trying to choose self love and peace. And if things fall apart, they were supposed to. And if they don’t, they weren’t supposed to.

One thing I do know for sure: this life was given to us to be lived. Even if it’s painful and hard, we never give up. And if we feel like we utterly failed ourselves and others; we get up and try again until we get it right. And I’m gonna keep wishing and hoping even when I feel like I can’t. I refuse to believe there’s no happy ending. There has to be. There will be. I believe. I know.

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